Someone please help!
Months ago now, I have been abducted by evil cultists in the dead of night and haven't seen daylight ever since. While they have not harmed me (so far), they made me a captive audience for their unspeakably gross rituals and stack the resulting leftovers in front of me. They also force their captive, nubile slavegirls to rub me down in entirely unappropriate ways, though at least this gets rid of the more enthusiastically piled-on remains and other nastiness (like the head priest's halitosis-scented mouthfroth).
Please, would a talented and beautiful lady rogue be so kind to rescue me from this unclean place of horror?
If liberated in a timely fashion, I would be very grateful. I should also mention that I am in possession of great wealth, of which I promise a talent of gold and two emeralds the size of hen's eggs will pass in the possession of my rescuer after my liberation.