Lloth's Microwave of Mega-Doom's page

My children decided that they were tired of school lunch. It took them the span of me getting a video pulled up to stream to go from "tired of school lunch" to "we found a cheap microwave on Amazon and have crowdsourced half the cost of it to pay back Ringleader, it'll be here next week."

Microwave arrived today, and they're reenacting the opening to 2001: A Space Odyssey as one of the kids sets it up, all chanting "MIC-RO-WAVE. MIC-RO-WAVE."

...they have named the microwave Jeff.

SQUEEEEEEEE!

{coughs up 2d8 + 4 ⇒ (6, 1) + 4 = 11 spiders of assorted varieties}

Weird....I love my microwave.

Awww <3 ... {coughs up another dozen spiders}

Man. I really really love my microwave.

That reminds me. I better clean it.

{puts on sexy milkmaid drider cosplay}

Edit: OK, this a new level of weird even for me.

{starts popping popcorn}

>_>

<_<

{whistles innocently}

Herr di Fortuna is banned for being hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobic.

Shiny Joy Microwave of Sparkle wrote:

How about a couple gobli-, er, kobold souls? They're small, so you can fit two or three into a single soul gem.

And they taste bad, too.

Take that dark overlords!

{mumbles:} In the Abyss, you can't even use kobold souls to make larvae... they just turn into Hot Pocketses.

<COUGH!> {coughs up a half-dozen abyssal tarantulas and a partly-melted rubber duckie}

Microwave, I'm going to have to ask you to correct the spelling of your possessive. The Demon Queen of Spiders is "L-o-l-t-h," not "L-l-o-t-h." You know, she's a fan of LOLcats and thus calls herself LOLth.

Obviously, you are no troll, or you woulda ripped off my power cord and beat me with it. Reasoned dialogue? Bah!

And I am named after Lloth, not Lolth. That's how Bob Salvatore spelled(spells?) it.

Vote Ankelbiter and Troll in 2012!

Are you serious?!

You call yourselves trolls?!

When did trolls ever seek ap- <COUGH> {coughs up half a dozen spiders} pardon {clears throat} -seek approval from the electorate?

THEY DIDN'T!!!

They looted, killed, violated, and ate what they wanted... and if the little humans were very lucky, the trolls did it in that order.

You're f$%!ing trolls! Start acting like it!

Lloth's Microwave of Mega-Doom wrote:

{still smoking} Er, um, it must be a wild magic effect.

Oh you poor charred thing. I saw a Slanket infomercial and knit an appliance cozy for you. {hands it to microwave}

For me?! That's so sickeningly sweet. Still, it'll probably protect me until I can get veneer graft from Skinsaw Ltd. {slips on Cozy of Opposite Alignment}

Uh oh...

Lloth's Microwave of Mega-Doom wrote:

Celestial Healer wrote:

Dictum

AIEEEEE!

Microwave? I thought you were Lawful Good...

{still smoking} Er, um, it must be a wild magic effect.

Dictum

AIEEEEE!

<Looks at Angel Fish's bowl. The water is black.>

Um, I think he opened a portal to some other plane?

I think I saw a deranged Kobold in here earlier trying to cleave stuff with a spatula. Maybe he kidnapped the 'Fish?

Sorry, boss, but that one never seems to work.

You could gnaw off the front tires on the car.

Follow. Could you taste the cheese and make sure it's not poisoned?

Oh course it's poisoned, it's brie... it's naturally poisonous. Oh I get what your saying... no I didn't add anything to it.

Bluh?

AUGH, IT'S A FLAN! Oh wait, no it isn't.

I have some brie left over from my dinner party. Microwave, do you think you could warm this up a little for us?

I guess, if you're really sure. <hummmmmmmmm...>

<Ding!> It's done, I guess.

<Braces for inevitable evil rampaging brie monstrosity>

Boss, are you sure...

It's brie. It's pretty monstrous already, like cheese and The Blob had a kid.

Aww. Here, heat up this popcorn.

YAY! You like me; you really like me!

{begins nuking bag} Oooo, Orcus Redenbacher... tasty stuff!

Celestial Healer wrote:

As long as you don't have to heat it up in the microwave.

This stuff is self heating. It's really neat.

Just to check, "nacho" is spelled n-a-p-a-l-m, right?

There's a cold 2-liter of agent orange soda in the fridge if you're thirsty. {sharpens knife, looks evilly at blender}

Celestial Follower wrote:

Do you want any nacho cheese dip for your pretzels, boss?

As long as you don't have to heat it up in the microwave.

{sigh} OK then, just return me to Asm's Club for a refund. Don't worry about my feelings. I'm just a machine... not even a real live Modron. {weeps Sebek tears in the corner}

Celestial Healer wrote:

Eww. Leeches. Gross.

Although I have to admit, if you hadn't told me they were leeches, I might have mistaken them for your hors d'oeuvres.

It's because every microwave we get is progressively more evil.

HEY! Don't blame me; I'm not the one who keeps shopping at Asm's Club for food.

Now, who wants fiendish-, er, "spicy" escargot in garlic & butter? It's evil and French! MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Trick or treat! Don't you guys have ANY candy?

{summons succubus stripper}

"Hi, I'm Candi, and I'd love to 'treat' you- wait, a yugoloth?! Hey, I'm a slut, but I've got standards!" {returns to Abyss}

I think that whenever we get trick-or-treaters to this thread, we should promptly hold them down and perform an exorcism, just in case. Does that sound like a plan?

Sounds good to me. Make sure they tithe at least 10% of their candy too.

{goes back to making popcorn balls with dung beetle larvae inside}

But lawyers are servants of society and, thus, want what's best for society.

*snicker*

BWA HA HA HA HA!

Ow, my head.

HA HA HA HA urk! {bounces around erratically on the counter} <COUGH!>

Ugh, owww! A spider went down the wrong pipe.

Lloth's Microwave of Mega-Doom wrote:

Someone downstairs is apparently too darn lazy to add a simple Fiendish template to the spiders. It's not like I'm asking for fricking sharks with fricking lasers on their heads...

That's because the sharks all work for me.

I gotta learn to stop thinking outloud.

You think booze is evil, but you have lawyers on your payroll?! I think you might've absorbed a bit too much Limbo on your last trip.

Angel Fish wrote:

I thought I destroyed all that. Intoxication is a sin, you know.

Microwave has an extra-dimensional pocket thingy. He jokes that's where he keeps the bodies.

Yeah... just joking.

{vomits out more extra-crispy spiders} Oops, sorry.

Someone downstairs is apparently too darn lazy to add a simple Fiendish template to the spiders. It's not like I'm asking for fricking sharks with fricking lasers on their heads...

Moorluck wrote:

Can you believe I had to click on my own spoiler to see what you agreed with? :/

Lack of sleep will do that to you. Just as long as the appliances don't start talking to you. :)

{whispers:} Put some aluminum foil in me. C'mon, you know you want to.

I'm gonna hit the Renn Faire today. Should be lots of yummy brainnnssss....

If you see someone dressed as a Vulcan science officer, waving a fake tricorder around, and noting anachronisms... eat him first, would you please?

We should also use chainsaws. We'll see how they like it when the tables are turned.

And flamethrowers. Mortal bastards! Are brains tasty if charred on the outside, but still juicy and raw in the center?

I like this plan. I'm happy to be a part of it. Here's another thought - what if we all started wearing helmets. I've got mine already...

Spears and magic helmets?

Casper the Brain-Eating Ghost wrote:

I just had a revelation. What if we all shamble down to the supermarket and wait there? Whenever there is a zombie apocalypse, that's where all the tasty mortals hide. Won't they be surprised when they open the freezer...

Butchers are dangerous though, meat cleavers and distressingly accurate anatomical knowledge as regards deboning. Remember the Zombie Buddy System - always bring at least three buddies, one for each limb of the meat snack.

Just take out the butcher first. Then he becomes an ally... a dual-cleaver wielding butcher quickly disables the achilles tendons in multiple mortals, allowing the slower breathern to easily catch and snack.

Also, immediately kill any mortal resembling Woody Harrelson or Bruce Campbell, preferably with missile weapons.

Celestial Healer wrote:

Hmm. Well how are we supposed to spread our cult/sect/coven/thing?

No, Microwave, genocide is not the answer.

{mumbles in frustration} Can't you just put some heathens' heads inside me? I'll warm 'em up and they'll be nice and pliable... ready for easy conversion.

...

Also, I'm a bit worried about that new microwave. It screamed when I boiled some sea water in it. Blessed, or course. I think it may be time to destroy it.

Hey, microwaves have feelings too! Look, as a special favor to you, anytime you climb outta dat chilly bowl and wanna dry off, just give me a call. I can dry you off and warm you up faster than a towel.

{quietly Gates in another half-dozen spiders} Lets hope these minions are a little smarter than the last two.

Angel Fish wrote:

*Sigh*

Fine. Give him one, then. But make sure not to touch it.

Oy! I don't want no bleedin' brochures!

{gives a couple tarantulas a ride on the inner food turntable}

Spider 1: "Wheeeeee!"
Spider 2: "I think I'm gonna puke."
Spider 1: "Sorry, that's a couple threads over."

{whispers:} Hey you two, hush. Quick, hop in the bag of popped popcorn before the Follower dude takes it out.

Spider 2: "It's like a buttery sauna in here. Oh no, BLEEEERCH!"
Spider 1: "I hope they like popcorn with spider-vomit flavoring."

*Sigh*

Fine. Give him one, then. But make sure not to touch it.

Oy! I don't want no bleedin' brochures!

{gives a couple tarantulas a ride on the inner food turntable}

Spider 1: "Wheeeeee!"
Spider 2: "I think I'm gonna puke."
Spider 1: "Sorry, that's a couple threads over."