Wayfinder #9 x2: I used the pre-gen PCs for The Foehammer Promise side-trek adventure (by Neil Spicer, + a bunch of great contributing artists), tweaked to be a band of dwarven outlaws in a home-brew I ran a few years ago (they were led by a custom gunslinger NPC villain). And another time, I ran the adventure itself as a one-shot, with the players choosing and using the pre-gens. We had fun at the table, and I enjoyed the art and maps, too. Wayfinder #15: I got to play The Witch-Tree Sacrifices side-trek adventure at Paizo Con, run by none other than the author himself, Tim Nightengale. It's a great adventure, and I really enjoyed that. Though it's been almost a year, I think of that adventure from time to time, and it's next on my list to run as a one shot. I've been meaning to do it for a while, but you know how it is with several APs going on at once. Wayfinder #16: My gm for the Iron Gods AP incorporated Krondarr in our adventure, an NPC from Weal or Woe: Pursue the Iron Princess (by Eric Hindley, with art by Frank Hessefort). We spent time with Krondarr, and fun was had by all.
I've looked forward to this contest every year since its inception, and this year's no exception. If you've designed monsters before, crafting and polishing an entry is a fun way to hone (and test) your skills. If you haven't, now is the time! Win or lose, advance or not, I guarantee you'll get satisfaction out of working on and completing a formal design. If you advance or win, well, that's just icing on the cake.
How about a (bonus) feat that reads something like this: --- Concealing Flourish You can conceal yourself from opponents in a single direction by flourishing a curtain or large piece of fabric. Prerequisites: Dex 13, Perform (dance) 1 rank. Benefit: While holding a curtain or similarly sized piece of fabric in one hand, as a move action, you can select one face of the square you occupy and twirl the fabric to block that face, providing total concealment from that direction until the start of your next turn. Any opponent you gain concealment against gains concealment against you. Large and larger creatures do not benefit from this feat. --- Draft only. Not checked for balance, or overlap with existing feats or abilities. Adapted from Kineticist's kinetic cover ability.
KC, This is a pretty cool item overall. I like the concept and visuals, and it's nice to see an inexpensive item (such items are a little under represented in the contest IMO). Template: Nearly perfect, but the aura should be faint not minor, and I agree with Jacob about "points of... " Mechanic: Seems pretty clear, but Jacob's question about the number of uses before re-filling is a good one. Regarding the ranged touch mechanic, I think I prefer it as you have it, rather than using the thrown splash weapon rules as Jacon suggests. I found "scalding damage" under the environment rules for boiling water, so it is a thing — I'm on the fence regarding Jarrett's concern about the damage type. Balance: Since it takes a round to heat the water, 1d4 damage seems low to me. From a player's perspective, that's pretty paltry, and if it were a little more, it still doesn't seem unbalanced or abusable. Writing: I'd like to see the first two sentences combined somehow for a smoother flow. Also, there are quite a few instances of "is" — I'd like to see more active verbs than "is" or "can be." PS: at the start, you say liquid, but then later it's water...I assume it doesn't transmute the contents to water...
Unit PFWF-016 wrote: 0 Magic Items. ZERO. UNACCEPTABLE. I have one nearly complete tech item (~200 words) that I can send in this weekend. Hopefully, you'll get a few more from other designers, so that if mine is accepted, it won't be lonely. It's unlikely, but if inspiration strikes and I have some free time on Sunday, there's a slim chance I could do another one or two, plus a fluffy intro to fill out a 750-word article.
Jace - lookin good, and I like the concept. There are a few things that jump to mind when I read this:
"When a snaring bullet strikes a creature, it deals no damage. Instead, it immediately transforms into a net that unfurls and entangles the targeted creature as if the creature were hit with a thrown net. The net has the same statistics as an ordinary net, except that it has no trailing rope. Whether or not the targeted creature remains entangled within it, the net dissolves and falls apart 1 minute after it unfurls." Let me know if you agree or disagree with my thoughts and/or wording.
Rusty Ironpants wrote: Thanks to everyone who turned up to play (joe, julius, james and michael). I hope everyone had as much fun as I did running the game for you all. Thank you Russ! I had a blast, and it was nice meeting you and the guys. I look forward to seeing the final release of your adventure, too.
On Monday, I offered to do an editing pass (minor or wholesale) on an item or items in this thread. I thought it would be a fun exercise and good practice at the various aspects of design. KC took me up on my offer for his stirgenest quiver. Well, I got carried away, and ended up doing more of a rewrite than an editing pass. I really like KC's concept, and found it very engaging to dig in. I make no claim that the rewrite is any better than KC's original, and instead hope that comparing the 2 versions will generate some good discussion. In general, I feel that rules language is my strongest area, and that my sense of mojo and balance both need work. With that being said... Here's my take on KC stirgenest quiver:
Stirgenest Quiver Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th Slot shoulders; Price 5,000 gp; Weight 4 lbs. Description Fashioned to resemble a hornet's nest, this larger-than-usual quiver is meant to be worn over both shoulders, and has several compartments allowing it to conveniently hold up to 10 pounds of any combination of arrows, crossbow bolts, or thrown weapons. Once per round, when its owner draws an arrow, crossbow bolt, or thrown weapon that deals piercing damage from the quiver, the projectile takes on the appearance of a stirge (including the insectoid creature's blood-sucking proboscis) for 1 round. During this time, if the projectile strikes and damages a living creature, the creature must succeed at a DC 14 Fortitude saving throw to avoid the projectile sinking in and becoming attached. A creature with one or more of these projectiles attached to it suffers a –1 penalty to its Constitution for each attached projectile. Removing an attached projectile is a move action that provokes attacks of opportunity. When making a ranged attack with a projectile or thrown weapon transformed by a stirgenest quiver, the attacker gains a +1 circumstance bonus on the attack roll (to a maximum of +5) for each projectile attached to the target creature. Attached projectiles that were drawn from another stirgenest quiver do not count for the purposes of this ability. Construction
What do you think?
Northern Wind’s Sting:
Jarrett, others have covered some of the language and formatting issues, so I won't address those aspects. I like the imagery and theme well enough, but the mechanics seem a little complicated. I think I'd like the dart more if its mechanics were more elegant, and its ability more unique (something with more of a wow factor when you successfully hit with the dart, possibly as a single-use dart). Shield of Gruesome Visions:
Kate, I think it's better after revisions, but there are still some areas that need work. First, I tend to agree with Mikko regarding the disconnect between its form and function. This relates to the general idea of slot affinity (for example magic headbands tend to relate to mental effects, boots lean towards movement effects, and so on). Putting that aside, for your item as-written, you could rearrange and reword some parts to be more concise. Here's one example: at the end you write, "The bearer can use the shield's ability three times per day." If you combined that with the paragraph's first couple lines, you could save some words and make the whole passage smoother to read. If I were tasked with editing that, I would start the paragraph something like this (very roughly), "Three times per day, upon making a successful shield bash attack, the wielder can cause the bloodstains on the shield's surface to coalesce into a disturbing scene as a free action."
Also, your price should not be exactly twice your cost, as both the price and cost need to include the value of a masterwork heavy steel shield.
Stirgenest Quiver:
KC, I really like the overall concept of arrows (and other ammo) taking on the qualities of stirges—it's a cool idea. Regarding the language and wording, I think it needs some work to make it more concise and smooth flowing.
Regarding the mechanics, what do you think of going with Con damage instead of a penalty, if the projectile isn't removed quickly (eg, at the end of its turn, a creature with an embedded projectile takes X)? As it's written, I assume the penalty lasts as long as the projectile is "embedded", but you might want to include text to that effect. Also, I like the bonuses for shooting at a target that already has "embedded" projectiles, but that part could use some re-wording, too. Overall, I know what's going on, but the mechanics in general could be more elegant. One other thing, did you consider going with more of a summoning or polymorph-type of effect, along the lines of, "If you're damaged by one of these projectiles, it becomes a stirge in your space (an attached stirge if you fail a reflex save)?
I notice when I'm trying to give feedback on items, especially once I know that I like the core concept, my first impulse is to start editing it in my head. I don't have the time to keep up with a large amount or quick turnarounds, but if anyone participating in this thread specifically asks for an editing pass, I'd be willing to do that (for a limited number, according to my time available). It would help me practice my editing chops, and the author and myself might both learn something in the process (eg, is it better or worse after minor or wholesale changes?).
Brigg wrote: Corset of Girth and Grace Hey Brigg, I like it. Seems pretty well written and solid overall. I'll point out two minor things. One, though I happen to like utilitarian items myself (over more flashy effects), I think I'm a bit of an outlier in that sense. For the contest, I think a lot of voters want something more exciting, and this isn't really active or cinematic. Seems like a good, solid, book item. And...space before "gp" in the cost. PS - Kim, I think pulling the strings is something that requires concentration and takes the full minute, rather than being an "action". (like a spell with a casting time of 1 minute)
Kate Baker wrote: Shield of Gruesome Visions Hi Kate, I think the other commenters addressed most of what I might have said, but I'll weigh in on two other things. One thing I would point out is that your description uses the passive voice ("is covered"). Sometimes, that's unavoidable, or even appropriate, but in this case, I think it would be better if it were more active. So, instead of saying the shield is covered, you might instead make the stains the main subject, and use a more active verb such as shift, drift, or flow. Purely as an example, it might be, "Faint blood stains slowly drift across the surface of this otherwise unremarkable +1 heavy steel shield." The other thing I noticed was that "activate the shield" sounds kind of plain, and doesn't specify a method or action type. When it comes to item activation, there are standard activation types such as use-activated, command, and so on. If it were activated on command, I wonder if it could target opponents within X feet that can see it (increasing the price though). If it were use-activated, maybe the "use" could be making a successful shield bash attack, and then the effect would target only the creature bashed.
Brigg, I really like this latest revision. It's lookin really good! At this point, it seems done or nearly done. If it were mine, I might boost the price very slightly, but pricing is kind of an art, and subjective, so I may be off base—it's priced within reason. Your point about the move action and action economy seems well thought out, especially since the contest is now votes-only. For interest only (not arguing for or against), I found this old thread that talks about magic item action economy. Seems like you've got a good handle on it.
Brigg wrote: Belt of Uncanny Movement Hi Brigg, I do like the mechanics better now...but, are you married to the move action? What about simply "on command"? Also, what do you think about combining the 1st three sentences in the 2nd paragraph into one smoother sentence? I think I agree with Belabras that a re-roll might be better, but I don't feel too strongly about that. If you keep it as automatic, you're missing a word in there: "succeed at (or on) a single...". Going back to the increased speed, I still prefer it as an increase to speed rather than a bonus. Flip through these results and these results. At a minimum, I think you should include "feet" in there somewhere. It looks like your language matches a dervish dancer's (bard) fleet ability (minus the the "land" part), and bonuses are used in some cases, so it's not wrong, but something just seems off about it to me.
Hi Brigg, overall, I like the concept, and the direction you've taken with making a belt-slot item that combines an ability bonus with additional powers. Often, items in the belt and headband slots get passed over by players/characters, because it's hard to give up the ability boost. Here's some things that jumped out at me, in no particular order: Visuals: Pretty good. The description is evocative, but I'd like the sentence better if it were pared down a little—there's a few too many adjectives and commas for my taste. "+10 enhancement bonus to his base speed": I didn't fully research this, but I suspect that increases to speed are more typically written like, "...increases (the wearer's/its wearer's/your) base speed by x feet" or "(the wearer's/your) base speed increases by x feet". I don't recall seeing "+X bonus to base speed", and suggest searching around a bit for the typical language (see this). This sentence: "The belt can be activated as an immediate action to double the enhancement bonuses provided by it." – reads a little awkward to me. Also, activating it as an immediate action doesn't seem quite in line with the typical activation methods (use, spell completion, command, etc). There are exceptions to this, such as boots of speed (free action, clicking heels), but I'm left wondering, how do you actually activate the belt? I get that it helps the evasion aspect, but I'm not sold on "can be activated as an immediate action". Evasion: As a player, this sounds great, but I'm skeptical about it for 2 reasons. One, it seems too good for the price, since it's virtually constant evasion, given the immediate activation and 10 rounds per day. Two, I'd generally avoid granting class features with an item, as it kind of steps on the toes of those classes. There's an RPGSS advice thread by SKR on the boards here that suggests the same, but I don't have the link handy right now (maybe someone can link that?) Finally, this is a very small item, but the "uncanny" in the name makes me think of "uncanny dodge". edit: spoiler tag removed (it wasn't working as I expected, and I had to run off to work)
C4M3R0N wrote: ... which version would be the most balanced (+3 spell levels, +2 or +1 to use a level higher for the touch)... Balance-wise, in my opinion your initial idea of a 1-to-1 ratio is too good (favorably unbalanced). Between +2 or +3 spell levels for each 1-level increase, though, I don't feel strongly either way.
Your idea to heighten the spell works as a basic concept. I might make it more costly, requiring 2 levels (or more) for each increase in the max level it can deliver. As an example: 4th to deliver 5th level spells, 6th to deliver 6th level spells, 8th to deliver 7th level spells, and that's it - no way to deliver 8th & 9th level spells. Maybe 3 for each increase instead of 2? Really I'm just winging it, with no particular basis other than limiting it compared to what you suggested. Maybe an extra 1d4 hp "cost" and hand's hit points for each of those steps? Changing or addressing AoOs just adds complexity... I would do nothing on that count, leaving the spell text as is other than level and hp adjustments.
|