Welcome back rant fans! This rant is about “Performance Anxiety”. Get your (expletive deleted) minds out of the gutter because I know that’s what you were thinking. This has more to do with the fact that I’ve been having a (expletive deleted) mental block when it comes to producing these rants. If you think you have been frustrated waiting to read the (expletive deleted) that I put into these (expletive deleted) rants, you can’t imagine how (expletive deleted) frustrated I’ve been with not being able to produce more of them. These seem simple enough, but there really is an art form to them. I can’t just start stringing together a random amount of (expletive deleted) words together and then post it. I mean I could, but I wouldn’t feel right doing it. I often wonder if I make these things go too long, or not long enough, or are they coherent, or too coherent, etc., etc. I mean it’s not like I’m being (expletive deleted) graded on these things. And for that matter only a small handful of people are actually reading them. I mean, you guys are awesome, it’s I’d like more people to read them. (Expletive deleted) listen to me. I sound like a whiney kid who doesn’t have any Facebook friends. Speaking of Facebook, (expletive deleted) that whole thing. Seriously, Facebook is the devil. You don’t believe me? Try this as an experiment. Unfriend any number of your friends and then count how long it takes them to contact you through some means with a comment like “What the (expletive deleted)? I thought we were friends?” or perhaps “Are you mad at me?” On a similar note, post something on someone’s wall to the effect of “I didn’t like this” and see how (expletive deleted) stupid the conversation gets. Facebook takes all the terribleness of the internet and allows your mom to read it. Where was I? Oh yeah, this is supposed to be about “Performance Anxiety”. As I’ve been reading this thread, I was offered the suggestion of just ranting about whatever came to my mind. “Holy (expletive deleted) on a pogo stick!” I exclaimed, “whatever would I do without the list?” Then it occurred to me. I've been using the list as a crutch. I haven’t been putting out many rants because I didn’t want the list to go away and at the same time I didn’t want to encourage new topics to be put on the list. Kind of insane right? Well go take your (expletive deleted) backseat (expletive deleted) psychology somewhere else. Geez, everyone thinks they can watch (expletive deleted) Dr. Phil and be a (expletive deleted) expert on the human condition. If you watch Dr. Phil, go punch yourself in the (expletive deleted) face right now. I’ll wait. Are you finished? Good. Because Dr. Phil is a (expletive deleted) quack. I mean he isn’t even a licensed therapist…or so I heard on the internet. Good (expletive deleted) lord this rant went to all kinds of crazy places. Alright, rant over.
Join me next time when I rant about…Being sick. I (expletive deleted) hate being sick. It’s the worst feeling in the world.
Welcome back rant enthusiasts! This rant is about Power Outages. Many of us have had to deal with this situation over the course of this winter and let me tell you it (expletive deleted) sucks. The only thing worse is… (Expletive deleted) I forgot to save my work and now I lost half of my rant. (Expletive deleted) (Expletive deleted) (expletive deleted)!!!! I know what you might be thinking, “how the (expletive deleted) can I lose a rant in the middle of a sentence”. (Expletive deleted) Microsoft Word autosave that’s how. Also, sometimes, I like stop typing in the middle of a sentence to make sure it’s funny or it has some semblance of coherentness. And besides who are you to judge me? Seriously, how the (expletive deleted) dare you! You, with your eyes staring into my soul and your constant request for these ridiculous topics that I rant about… I’m sorry, I’m just really upset about losing part of that rant. You see I had this whole bit about how power outages were like this whole (expletive deleted) government shutdown thing but now I can’t (expletive deleted) remember any of that stuff. That (expletive deleted) was gold and now it’s gone due to a (expletive deleted) power outage. You know, I think this (expletive deleted) rant is the current record holder the use of the phrase expletive deleted. That’s pretty (expletive deleted) impressive right there. Anyways, (expletive deleted) this (expletive deleted). Rant over.
Join me next time when I rant about…”Performance Anxiety”. What the (expletive deleted) does that have to do with any(expletive deleted)thing.
Welcome back rant fans! This edition of JMD031’s infamous rants is about Hot Weather, which is (expletive deleted) ironic because it is the middle of winter. But as the saying goes, on with the show. Hot weather is awful because it makes you sweaty and it drains you of your energy. It’s also difficult as (expletive deleted) to cool down. The only good thing about Hot Weather is it encourages women to wear less clothing. Lord only knows that we could always stand to have women wear less clothes. What? What do you mean that was a “sexist” comment? I’m a man and I like to look at women. Does that make me a “Neanderthal”? Whatever. You are just mad that I’m not afraid to say what’s on my (expletive deleted) mind. Man, you can’t say (expletive deleted) anything these days. I mean, (expletive deleted) you simply say one simple thing and some crazy (expletive deleted) has to get their underwear all in a (expletive deleted) twist. That really (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) me off. I don’t even remember what I was ranting about and I’m too (expletive deleted) lazy to look up 3 inches to find out. So now this rant is about people who (expletive deleted) get “offended” over every little thing that is said to them. GET A (expletive deleted) LIFE YOU (expletive deleted)!!! That’s pretty much all I have to say about that. I think I really summed that one up pretty well. Anyways, (expletive deleted) rant over.
Tune in next time when I rant about…Power Outages. Wouldn’t it be ironic if I had a (expletive deleted) power outage in the middle of that rant? How would I be able to
The further misadventures of the Lords of Chaos
This week we only had three players but it did not deter us from having awesome Lords of Chaos fun. Our Choatic heroes are traveling to Riddleport when they are assaulted by Scrags aka Water Trolls. They quickly dispatch these foes (ensuring not to let them get wet so that they don’t regenerate) using fire bombs from Oz-burn. This fight brings about the funniest conversation ever to grace a Lord of Chaos game. During the fight, one of the players rolled a critical hit and since we are using the Critical Hit deck, pulled the card that severed a finger. Why was this important? Because they decided to “plant it to grow a troll tree”. This spirals into a conversation about having an army of Trolls to fight for them. Then Pumba started talking more about getting the Air Ship and how they will then have to be “Air Pirates”. This leads to conversations regarding falling off the Air Ship, Air Trolls and their existence or lack there of, growing their own Air Troll, the existence of Air Trolls after they grow one, growing a second Air Troll so the first one doesn’t get lonely, ensuring that the Air Troll doesn’t fall off the boat, determining how what will happen if the Air Troll falls off the boat, etc., etc. This awesome conversation went on for about 30 minutes. Afterwards, they dock into Riddleport. I look up a description of this city in the ISWG and start to laugh as I realize that this is the perfect place for Lords of Chaos as there is little to no law influence. They make plans to get rid of the boat and purchase wagons to head to Bardapolooza. The Map tells them that they have to “help a friend” here in this city which they do not want to do. Ro-bert starts randomly killing people as they pass by but gets bored as no one tries to stop him. Pumba sets it up to get the boat sold and to purchase wagons for the trip. Then they meet up with Galdar the Sneaky Sneaky. Who is Galdar the Sneaky Sneaky? He is a former PC Lord of Chaos who has the Stick of Sneaky Sneaky that allows him to hide in plain sight. Anyways, he tells the party that he needs their help rescuing some other Lords of Chaos from “Imprisonment”!!!! (cue dramatic music). For those of you who do not know, Lords of Chaos do not care about dying as dying is part of the cycle of life. However, they fear imprisonment as they conclude that it is a fate worse than death itself. Anyways, they take a gate to another city and then commandeer a boat (while setting another boat on fire) and head off to this island prison that looks oddly like Alcatraz aka The Rock. They get close when their ship is attacked by the citadel on the island. They take off in the dinghy (lol, dinghy) and continue on. They make the climb up the sheer cliff thanks to Oz-burn’s Dire Bat mount and are immediately attacked by guards. As they make their way to the citadel they continue to attack guards along the way. Oz-burn, who used all of his bombs to start the fire on the other ship, downs his mutagen and charges headlong into combat before being mercifully cut down by two guards. This is tragic for two reasons, the party is down a player and I spent some time putting together “the man in red” as a NPC (using Hero Labs new monster creator *shameless plug*) and now I don’t get to use him. The party continues on with a man down and find the Warden. Before the Warden can say anything, Pumba shoots him in the face. After defeating the Warden, they begin to free all the prisoners and try to ensure that this place is blown up sky high. They also pick up a new member of the party, a Magus by the name of Suess who has the Black Blade archtype (I forget which one that was). Unfortunately, due to the hastiness of their escape, I determine that they are not really able to do enough damage to blow up the entire structure but the do cause a significant amount of destruction. They get back to Riddleport and head off to Bardapolooza. On the way to the festival, they encounter a Wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing (random roll on a random chart). They find out about his by hearing the screams of one of their crew and then later finding the half-eaten body of another crewmember. As they investigate the creature springs into attack mode and attacks Pumba. It manages to grapple him but he manages to escape. They then take it out using long range abilities as it has a ridiculously slow speed.
At Bardapolooza, a plan is enacted. They decide to create the largest pile of dead bards ever. They spend all 4 days of the concert setting up an elaborate trap set to go off on the last day during the final show. As they stand about half a mile away from the stage to get a good view of the carnage, they run into several other Lords of Chaos and find out about the Dread Pirate Jimmy. Apparently, not only did he live, but now he’s looking for revenge. Whatever, they have bigger things to worry about, like what are they going to do after they get an airship. Also, Cyril the Bard is also killed during the finally (mainly because the player doesn’t want to play a bard anymore). The game ends here with just a short journey through orc infested territory and the country of Ustalav before getting an airship.
Been a while since anyone posted in this thread. Here is the latest from my Lords of Chaos game.
So we pick up our Chaotic heroes as they are moving to dock in the Capital city in Cheliax, Egoarian a hive of scum and villainy…no wait that is something else. This place just has things like Hellknights, Devils and other Law related adversaries. But they must go here for this is where I decided to put the Oracle that will tell them where they can get an airship. Before docking they all decide to “pretend to be Champions of Law” in order to “blend in”. They arrive at the dock and head to the nearest bar which happens to be owned by another Lord of Chaos (Metaplot side note: All of the Lords of Chaos from every other game I have ran that my players have played are being pulled to Golarion for diabolic reasons) but is unknown to the players at this time. When they get in, Cyril the Bard almost gets killed by a guy named Jack who kills people randomly based on what the first letter of their name is (today’s letter was W). Narrowly escaping death, Cyril meets back up with Pumba to get the info about the Oracle. Meanwhile, Oz-burn gets pulled into a side room where he meets another Lord of Chaos named Sparky. Sparky is a goblin sorcerer who has a tendency to blow things up because he is addicted to the sound that explosions make. Together they devise a plan to “deliver bombs to people while dressed up like little girls”. Thus Goblin Girl Scouts are born. Meanwhile, Ro-bert is wandering around town and sees a Hellknight walking around. He asks the Hellknight where he got the “cool armor” and the Hellknight pretty much dismisses him as a lower being. Undaunted, Ro-bert looks for a magic shop that will sell him “cool looking armor with spikes on it”. He finds a magic shop, purchases armor and changes right there in the middle of the shop. Back to Cyril and Pumba for a bit, they get information about where the Oracle is and head in that direction. They also become worried as they are told about the presence of Sparky. Undaunted, they head straight to the Oracle, ensuring that everyone knows what “great Champions of Law we are”. Now back to Oz-burn, after almost getting found out at the bar, Sparky and Oz-burn head out into a back alley and make their way through the city. They meet up with Samurai Jack, get some dresses and begin delivering “cookie boxes”. They convince five different people to accept their “cookie boxes” and then get the heck out of dodge. Now back to Ro-bert, he hears all these explosions, begins heading towards them, ends up walking into a different bar where everyone happens to be and promptly kicks down the door. The bartender gets mad and yells at Ro-bert “You are going to have to pay for that” and then is promptly murdered by Ro-bert. The party then heads to the Oracle. The Oracle tells them that they have three options for getting an Airship but before he tells them that he begins to tell them about why they are on Golarion in the first place. The party, starts to become bored and state that they “don’t care”, are informed that there is a wizard named Gorhen that is bringing all of the Lords of Chaos to this world in order to gain access to the Gates that they utilize/protect. After a “so what does that have to do with us” kind of thing, the party is informed that they will stand the best chance of taking this guy out because of the airship they are going to be obtaining. They then request to be told about the three options in the most random way possible (I don’t completely recall the order but it was something like “tell us the second one first, then the second half of the first one and don’t tell us the third one unless you can sing it”). They are told that there is an island with an individual who has an item that will help them find what they are looking for, a fully functional airship already exists in the south of Garund but is missing the keys to start it and finally that there is a person called “The Artificer” who will help them make their own. They decide to go with getting the item and then finding “The Artificer”.
As they leave the Oracle’s place they are attacked by none other than Albert Gore. Yes, the former Vice President was out to get Pumba, aka ManBearPig. For those of you who don’t watch South Park, I suggest watching the episode with Al Gore. Anyways, he ambushes them with some minions. The party makes pretty short work of the minions and Pumba and Mr. Gore get into a shooting match that ends with Mr. Gore casting invisibility (I made him an Inquisitor) and running away. They then had an uneventful boat ride to an island out in the middle of nowhere. There they met a girl named Dora and her friend Boots the Vanara (please no hate mail). Dora had two magical items that would help them on their way a map and a backpack. Ro-bert noticing that this young girl was impeding their progress quickly initiated a fight and the party dispatched the two friends. They then came across a Tanuki named Swiper who showed up, swiped one of their items, threw the item over the hill, and then disappeared (again, no hate mail). With their new found items in place they find out that they have to go to Riddleport, travel through Ustalav and end up at Castle Arrrrgh in Numeria to find The Artificer. The game ends here for the night. Next time the party will have an adventure in Riddleport followed by Bardopolooza the annual festival of Bards from across the land.
James Jacobs wrote:
Absalom has never fallen to an attack, remember. It's a tough place to take, and ripe for the picking or not, it's not a place that even a runelord can simply just walk in and take.
One does not simply walk into Absalom.
Ok, here is a rundown of what happened in my last Lord of Chaos game. It is quite long and I have broken it down into three parts for your benefit. For those of you who missed the first part you can check it out here.
The adventure began with everyone "on a boat" [insert Lonely Islands music here] heading for Nex. The player who played the bard before couldn't make it but one of our other regulars showed up to play. His character is a Goblin Alchemist who has the Fire Bomber Archtype, rides around on a Dire Bat and makes his bombs look like pumpkins. Oh and his name is Oz-burn and he was "punched into this world by a guy in red tights". (Pause for laughter)
Moving on. The new guy just happens to be "flying around" and saw a ship that he thought would be fun to "blow up". The other players on the ship happen so see something off the "port bow". Oz-burn decides to "send a greeting" to the ship by throwing a bomb. Pumba sees Oz-burn and grabs an oar. He attempts to "bat" the bomb back at Oz-burn but I thought it would be funnier if it exploded on impact "Daffy Duck style". The rest of the party then realizes this new person is another Lord of Chaos and welcome him. The boat continues down the river into the country of Nex. They consider stopping at the next town until they find out from the crew that the next town is "where the country trains all of their wizards for war". They decide to "skip this town" and "steal from ships up river". They get about a day away from the town when they come across a storm. They are attacked by three large lightning elementals. They decide they are going to use the ship's cannons to help defend themselves...but the lightning elementals are really fast and go first. They do manage to hit one of them with the cannon and I describe it in a manner of a cartoon character getting hit with a cannonball (hole through the waist). They defeat the lightning elementals and move on. The next day they come across a ship who "is in need of supplies". They "offer to help" and then promptly disembowel the ship captain when he steps aboard their ship. Now they have two ships and two crews. This is vital to the plot later. Also important are the "first mates" on both ships. The first one they all call "Jimmy" but it is obviously not his real name. The other first mate is called Vorhees and that is his real name. Also important is the fact that this ship was from Taldor. OH and one last thing, they designed a flag for their pirate ship that is a skull with bat wings holding a gun to it's head, with a piece of bamboo crossing a spoon and having binary in the background. Lastly, they rename the boats "The Titanic" and "The Maelstrom". Moving on. They finally arrive at the capital of Nex, Quantium.
They unload and give both crews "shore leave" and decide that they will not cause any major "disturbances" for at least 24 hours. They go where every adventurer goes...to an inn! This inn was called the "Prancing Bugbear". Inside they meet up with another Lord of Chaos. This particular Lord of Chaos is named Lucious and his big claim to fame was that he one time summoned a piano in the middle of a fight on a boat and then threw the piano off the side to finish off the bad guys. He also has a habit of writing songs about "fornicating with bartender's wives." From him they find out that they have more options for getting their airship to include talking to "an Oracle", finding a magic item and convincing someone to build it for them. They decide to try all three. They think about what supplies they'll need for the boats, when Lucious suggests they take one of the "Gates". The Gates are essentially portals that exist throughout the world and can take you anywhere you want but they sometimes take you where you “need” to be and the move constantly. This particular one had moved. They met up with Lucious’ traveling companions Tallis “Swiftblade” and Ahlrick who are other Lords of Chaos. Which is speaking to the beginning of what’s to come later on in the game. They decide to play a gambling game for cannons and Lucious ends up owing the party one cannon. Since they don’t have any cannons they are kind of in a bind. Anyways, the party decides that they will help the other Lords of Chaos out and give them a boat.
Pumba and Lucious plan to blow up the “Titanic” and steal the “Ruby Prince” mainly because a main understanding of being a Lord of Chaos is that you can screw over anyone but you at least try to be lenient towards other Lords of Chaos. There is a lot going on at this point and everything comes to a head. Essentially, morning comes, the boats head out, The “Titanic” is destroyed, “The Dread Pirate Jimmy” is blamed for everything, and Lucious and his crew obtain the “Ruby Prince”. A few things happen in the PCs favor when everything is all said and done. First of all, Lucious and his crew realize that the “Ruby Prince” actually has the “Ruby Prince” of Osirion which means that while he’ll be able to return the prince for a reward, they won’t be able to keep the ship. Secondly, during the events of them taking the ship, they slaughtered the crew which left them with no one to man the ship. Finally, Ro-bert drops the bomb that they don’t have any supplies and is willing to trade them to the other boat…for a price. So basically the PC’s end up with all the cannons they need, at no cost to them, got rid of the “bad first mate” and got to pull one over on the other group. Speaking of the “bad first mate” they were very proud of themselves that they “provided a recurring villain for the game” even though I’ve pretty much determined that if “Jimmy” did survive, he would avoid these guys at all costs.
Ok, time to wrap this up…I’ve been spending far too much time on it and it’s like a small novel that few people are actually going to read. The party leaves Quantium, makes a quick stop in Absalom where Pumba picks up a monkey, a cat and a parrot, and then continues on to Cheliax to find the Oracle. Before they get to Cheliax they find a “mysterious island”. This “mysterious island” is an illusion created by some Aboleths (which brings me to a small side bar about ensuring you completely read the stat blocks before deciding to throw any old creature at your PCs). Anyways, three of them go to check out this “mysterious island” and when they get close enough to actually interact with it make will saves and all of then pass except Ro-bert. So, Ro-bert is now trying to get out of the boat to “bring the boat to shore” while everyone else is trying to keep him from leaving. Then they start getting charmed to go into the water. Ozburn is flying around on his bat and he sees something in the water and drops a bomb on it. A fight ensues and the party manages to kill one of them while the other two that were “observing” leave. They can’t quite figure out why this thing was trying to make them come into the water in the first place. Anyways, the game ends here for the night because it was late and people wanted to leave.
Join me next time when the party will meet up with the Oracle and wreak havoc in Cheliax.
Don't forget Evil Basketweaving.
Awesome start to the game. Something that will help you guys is to just do the first thing that comes to your mind. If one of you wants to start a rutabega farm, go ahead. If you want to travel halfway across the world just to get back 5g from that guy who owes you money, start packing. Essentially, do all the wild and crazy things you never get to do in regular games. We had one game where the group decided to make some money by participating in an arena tournament. Two of the players decided to "throw the last fight" and forgot to tell everyone else. They eventually lost after turning on each other and causing mass confusion amongst the other party. There was also another time when one of the characters was a cleric who worshipped one of his older characters and went around "rescuing" children from orphanages. Needless to say, hilarity ensued...even if it was a bit disturbing at times.
Tomorrow we will be playing the Lords of Chaos game. Another player will be able to make it and he's already made his character. He is going to be a Goblin Alchemist named Oz-burn who rides around on a Dire Bat and throws bombs shaped like pumpkins. I really gave this guy a lot of props for ingenuity on this one. I'll post a game report on Sunday.
Welcome back rant fans! Sorry for the long hiatus, but I’ve been busy as a (expletive deleted) bee in a (expletive deleted) field of flowers. This rant is about “Spam that the e-mail filters fail to catch, or spam that cleverly dodges the nets during its annual spawning runs up long Alaskan rivers or both”. Wow that is a (expletive deleted) mouthful. Basically this rant is about spam. Whether it comes in your e-mail or is the product that is considered “food”, spam (expletive deleted) sucks. It is even worse when your supposed “spam filter” doesn’t catch it, or worse, your “spam filter” catches important emails. Essentially, while the “spam filter” is a nice feature, it can be pretty (expletive deleted) dumb sometimes. What really makes this bad is how (expletive deleted) stupid the spam is that does get through the filter. It’s like the thing has an automatic “This email is too stupid to be spam” function that you just can’t switch off. Then there is the spam you get because you “ordered from this site”. For example, I get emails from Best Buy all the time just because ONE time I ordered something off their site and in order to do so I HAD to set up a (expletive deleted) account with them. What right do they have to essentially force me to sign up for their (expletive deleted). I mean there is a matter of convenience but that is distracting me from the anger I should be expressing about (expletive deleted) spam. Anyways, spam “the food” sucks too. Spam in this fashion is the equivalent of dog food. Think about it. This is meat, that has been canned, and is supposedly “safe for human consumption”. Most meat needs to be refrigerated but not Spam. Spam practically never goes “bad”. It’s like a twinkee. When the apocalypse happens all of the food that will be available will be twinkees and spam. So I hope you really like (expletive deleted) canned meat with some kind of (expletive deleted) gelatin on top of it because that will be all you get. Anyways, since I’ve started to diverge into paranoid conspiracy territory, it’s time to close this rant.
Join me next time when I rant about “Why Gruumash is so Awesome?”. Seriously…how did this even become a (expletive deleted) topic. I assure you this will not be anything like the TOZ rant.