Grarnold Smurfenegger's page

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Us it time for us smurfs yet?

Tirq is banned for stealing mattress tags when it is clearly prohibited.

Tirq is doubly-banned for telling me that hiring a maid was a good idea.

Tirq is triply-banned for telling me it was safe to prank Chuck Norris on the set of the Expendables II: Geriatric Boogaloo. Thankfully, I had planted evidence blaming it on Bruce Willis.

President of the We Can Forget It For You Wholesale club (and also a client)

Mr. "The Sorting Hat Says 'Ask Again Later'"

{shuffles stack of papers} And now time for your emails and tweets...

I thought a Warlock was the son of a Magus...

So he's half-gish on his poppa's side?

I blame Skynet.

And Danny Devito.

Gruumash is banned for using "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named"'s plastic surgeon.

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Grarnold Smurfenegger: You're in your room, surfing on Paizo.com, when all of a sudden you look up...
BigNorseWolf: What one?
Smurfenegger: What?
BNW: What forum?
Smurfenegger: It doesn't make any difference what forum, it's completely hypothetical.
BNW: But, how come I'd be there?
Smurfenegger: Maybe you're playing a PbP. Maybe you want to optimize a PC. Who knows? You look up and see a moth, BigNorseWolf. It's crawling toward you...
BNW: Moth? What's that?
Smurfenegger: {irritated by interruptions} You know what a Mothman is?
BNW: Of course!
Smurfenegger: Same thing.
BNW: I've never seen a Mothman... But I understand what you mean.
Smurfenegger: You reach down and you flick the moth into an OTF political thread.
BNW: Do you make up these questions, Mr. Smurfenegger? Or do they write 'em down for you?
Smurfenegger: The moth lies trapped in the thread, its SAN draining from the trolls' comments, beating its head against the rhetorical wall, smurf's dancing and singing everywhere. It can't escape. Not without your help. But you're not flagging.
BNW: {angry at the suggestion} What do you mean, I'm not flagging?
Smurfenegger: I mean: you're not flagging! Why is that, BNW?

Welcome back. Mind the rots, they've made a mess of things here.

Tosses an M4 over to the goggle-eyed kid

"Watch your six. Them rots are quick and nasty. Skull shots only."

Is this gonna be a standup fight, sir, or another bughunt?

Pizza?

Hawaiian style, with pineapples and ham/spam, is dangerously socialist... everyone knows that.

No, no, no.

1) Baldwin is secretly the superhero, Bloviator. (Don't let him start monologuing or your ears will explode.)

2) Murdoch has an imaginary dog Billy and is a top helicopter/airplane pilot.

Well, it floats, so it must weigh the same as a duck or witch, right?

Is this question on the Citizenship Exam?

If you knew how much wood went into the cask, then this might help.

Tide powder is actually miniature dehydrated Martians... after rehydrating, they scrub your clothes clean in gratitude, then escape into the sewers where they regroup and plot the coming invasion.

Tide liquid is the magic-laced blood from freshly-squeezed Smurfs.

That's 10.

TEN, TEN BOTFLY FANS!!! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! {thunder and lightning in the background}

It's also a known fact that Papa Smurf had an inappropriate relationship with Smurfette. Remember, Smurfette was created by Gargamel, so when Papa met her she was literally days old. Papa Smurf has not revealed his true age, but it is estimated that he is several centuries old. Clearly, it is highly unethical for him to have a physical relationship with someone so young, and I believe that disqualifies him becoming the next US president. He isn't even married, so who would be the First Lady? Smurfette? We would have to call her the First Mistress.

Oooo, ouch.