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Gem Inspector

GoatToucher's page

223 posts. No reviews. No lists. No wishlists.


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Draight should not rule this city because he once shot a little old lady out of a catapult.


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Ring of Visibility


when making breakfast


Draight is an avid swimmer, and has all of his considerable body hair meticulously plucked from his body daily by a halfling body servant named Herold.

Each day, Herold hopes for death, but death never comes.


JB always wanted to play the trombone but... you know...

-tiny arms-.


particularly wise tactic


Invisible Pants


JB should not rule this city because his tiny arms are ill suited to cutting ribbons with ceremonial scissors and digging with ceremonial gold plated shovels.


EM should not rule this city because he is clearly the evil mirror universe twin of -our- equinoxmaster!

That, and I saw him punch a three year old girl. In the teeth.


Bracers of Amore +4


a good idea


Pulg once ate a pony. He found the colorful balloons on its flank to be the most delicious part.


Yes. The text is blue and underlined, which means that it is a link. You click on it and it takes you to a webpage.

The next poster would never hurt me like the others do.


Draight should not rule this city because he regularly poops on statues.


Belt of Thunderous Incontinence


Brokeback Belt


Ring of Confections +1


Questions:
1. Did you hear about the elf diabolist?
2. Why is that -No Good-?
3. What is Elmer Fudd's favorite book of the bible?

Answers:
1. Not as long as you'd think.
2. Every Tuesday, weather permitting.
3. A flaky crust.


pulled pork sandwiches


Belt of Mighty Constipation


Aquatic Cumberbatch


Belt of Tumblr


Scab of Protection


Wand of Buttering


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He wants you to think it's a helmet, but Draight has actually been nearly completely devoured by an eagle-man.


I married one, and I wear the other all the time.

The next poster comes to us from the Far Shores.


Yes. Working at Disney I worked in both Chip and Dale costumes. Then a T-Rex at my antique desk.

The next poster once ate a manatee.


Granted. Now the Devil will start playing hell with your allergies. Expect post-nasal flesh eating beetles by this evening.

I wish I had a tiny piano and a twelve inch pianist.


Granted. The closet, the Ikea, the tri-state area, and the world are consumed.

I wish I knew what to do with all these limes!


And that whim is for them to dance... Dance... DANCE!

The next poster tastes great on crackers.


Jurassic Bard... WINS!

The next poster uses to tag womp rats in his T-16 back home.


Deadly Juggs: Or not. - //description redacted//

Delay Poison - Prevents use of Performance: Hair Metal for 1 hour/2 lvls.


Blindness/Deafness/Whackness - Makes subject blinded, deafened, or played out.

Borrow Four Tuna - 'Nuff said.

Chain of Curdition - Creates a floating chain of cheese.

Continual Flame War - Caster makes a controversial statement (Paladins shouldn't be limited to lawful good./Monks are the worst class./Rogues aren't that bad.) All creatures within earshot begin arguing for 1 rnd/lvl. Inability to speak a common language is not an obstacle.


Accept Afflecktion - Caster gains +10 competence bonus on the use of the Performance skill using his own original material. Suffers a -5 penalty when performing the material of others. Permanent until dispelled.

Argonize - Target doesn't react.

Aggravate Afflecktion - Target is affected as by spell Rage and is overwhelmed by thoughts of how much more successful and admired his close friends are.

Blessing of the Mole' - 1 ally/level gains darkvision, a rich, creamy texture, and chocolate overtones. Target is also a good accompaniment to enchiladas.


Lightening Bolt - Counters the effects of Gravity Bow.


Granted. Rainy Day Golf sweeps the nation.

I wish I had the last of the Seven Artifacts of Amash-Katuul so I could open the gateway between worlds.


Smeagol's Splendor - Target makes a Fort save or looses all but 1d4 teeth.

Lifetime Channel - Caster expends one use of Channel energy ability. Targets in area must make a Will save. Paladins and mothers are Fascinated for 1d2 hours. All other targets are Nauseated for the same amount of time.

Status Update - Monitors condition, position, recent meals of allies.


The Darkness - All targets in a 10' radius must make a Will save or believe in a thing called Love.

Death Nell Carter - Kills dying creature, summoning an undead star of 1980's musicals and television.

Defending Jeff Smith's Seminal Graphic Novel Bone - +10 enhancement bonus to Performance: Oratory when extolling the virtues of graphic novels as a legitimate art form.

Disfiguring Douche - When asked "Do you even lift, Brah?" mystical energies cause all of a target's sleeve tattoos to burn away, causing 1d8 fire damage per arm, plus 1d4-1 Charisma damage.


Bear Grylls' Endurance - One touched creature can survive for one day/level drinking only his own urine.

Blinding Ray Romano - A beam of energy travels through time, space, and dimensions to sear the eyes of an aging comedian to great comedic effect.

Book Ward Bond - One tome is protected from theft and damage by a celestial gunslinger.

Cure Moderate Political Beliefs - Causes Neutral character to shift one place on the alignment continuum for 1d4 hours +1/3 lvls. Roll 1d10: 1-5 Chaotic, 6-10, Lawful


Admonishing Ray Romano - Your voice travels through time, space, and dimensions to inform an aging comedian how disappointing his career path has become to great comedic effect.

Kool-Aid - +1 on attack rolls and saves against fear, +4 enhancement bonus to damage when attempting to break down doors and walls.

Arrow of Law & Order - In the world of Golarion the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The inquisitors who investigate unholy incursions and the paladins who smite the offenders. These are their stories. - +1 bonus/3 lvls to Smite Evil/Destruction Judgement damage when attacking with a bow or crossbow.

Augary Busey - Questions are answered cryptically by a man addled by a head injury and chronic drug use.


Gruumash is banned due to an unauthorized Swayze reference.


Fortuna - adj. descriptive of spices and seasonings as appropriate for the preparation of sport fish.

Skeezbozzle


:takes a drag off an E-Sissyl: Granted, but I will instead start touching Republicans In Name Only (RINOs) as determined by the Tea Party. Look out, Chris Christie!

I wish I could teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.


Know the Enemy Mine - Caster receives +20 enhancement bonus to Knowledge (80's Science Fiction).

Mighty Fist of the North Star - Make an unarmed strike attack roll against a target, who must make a fortitude save or die from headsplosion.

Swallow Your Fear Factor - Allows caster to gain sustenance from insects, as well as animal genitals and anuses. Provides +5 bonus on the Hagfish Challenge.

(That's not me being gross. Look it up. That show was weird.)


Deathwatchmen - Reveals how near death subjects within 30 ft. were... thirty-five minutes ago.

Detect Marianne Faithful - Give the caster a ten round warning before a bard performs "The Memory Remains" giving him the opportunity to say yes, or at least say hello.

Divine's Flavor - Makes any food taste like a long dead morbidly obese drag queen.

Endure Elementary - Allows caster to tolerate lower quality adaptations of the works of Arthur Conan Doyle for 10 rounds/level.

Hawaiientropic Shield - Covers caster with a thin layer of oil that protects him from the effects of Sunlight.


Led Zeppelin Blades: Helpful for when you reach the western shore.

Defying Gravity Bow: What does it do? Unless you try you'll never know.


Ben Afflek better keep his hands off my daughter. Bad enough she was in those Aerosmith videos...

The next poster sells a variety of pork products. Some less... wholesome... than you might expect.


Granted. In fact, take the whole week. That case of the Shrieking Thunderbowels is going to take time to get over completely.

I wish I knew how to quit you.


The days of the middlemen are numbered, and have been for years. The FLCS and FLGS are going the way of the dodo, save those who have diversified into providing other services, like providing facilities to do your tabletop or card gaming. Let a comic retailer take all the Marvel or DC comics off the shelf. See how long they last. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I have little doubt that comic companies would only expand their business if they introduced a digital distribution method, just as gaming companies who have done the same have. There will always bee people who prefer the tactile sensation of having book-in-hand, and those people can benefit from direct distribution of more limited runs. Just imagine the savings in avoiding printing tens of thousands of physical books, shipping them to distribution centers, and then shipping them to comic shops and book stores. That sweet, sweet digital money is all gravy.

The tide will turn, sooner or later, and those who are tardy getting on the digital bandwagon are only harming themselves in both the long run and the short term. It's a sure thing that part of Paizo's success is their early adoption of digital distribution. People still buy the physical books, but many who would not have bought them buy PDFs instead, and some who have bought them buy PDFs as well.

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