Dr. Jan Jansen III, Turnip King's page

Meredith Jones is banned for not being UL certified and a fire hazard.

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Anyone that tried would face the wrath of the gnomish turnip cartel anyway. They'd hire Red mantis assassins to take out anyone trying to horn in on their tuber monopoly.

Oh please, my good friend Don Gnomeleone is a simple importer-exporter and family man, not the head of a "cartel."

Roly Poly Not-a-Cannoli

Tirq is banned. Here's your sign.

The Most Interesting Mark Hoover in the World

The UnCola

All right, listen closely, Hulk was at the unemployment office and Hulk told them Hulk was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and Hulk gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".

By the way you should try out my prismatic happy birthday balloon spell. Lots of fun.

Thanks anyway, but I already picked up the new Armageddon Sebastian Gun last time I was in Nex.

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Go ahead Duergar, rise up... just remember it's the tall grass that gets cut the most.

{scribbles notes for new spell, Torag's Vengeful Lawnmower}

pffft

Have you seen a Daikini baby?

~throws an alarm clock at Moorluck~ Go back to bed! ~SNORE~

Only the early dragon catches the hobbit! {yoinks a handful of miniatures and scampers out the side tunnel}

Did taig and I just... no it can't be... did we just give birth to the first actual troll in modern times in a conversation about internet trolls who troll the waters for negative energy? The wordplay/cryptozoological fusion consequences alone are astonishing!

Our very words here on Paizo are themselves incubators for the future's monsters and most monstrous improbabilities. Are we not gods!

::Looks down at the ugly canid baby trying to eat its own foot::

Or... not.

OK, if you're making Toddler Messageboard Ninja Trolls with your posts, then I vote that the Words of Power playtest has moved waaaaaaaay too far into the Dark Side.

...why is it so hard to find the stupid CR 2032 battery on my motherboard?

Can't help you with where it is on your motherboard, but you should be able to find a new replacement 2032 at W*l-M*rt or T*rg*t in the electronics/digital camera area.

Nebulous_Mistress wrote:

But I have this great recipe for rabbit stew. Got it from a coyote, called himself a genius.

Not just any genius.

A SUPER genius.

Regular from-Krypton Super Genius or Bizarro Super Genius? Pre-Crisis, Post-Zero Hour, Post 51...?

The only way to really be sure is to pack some saltpeter, charcoal, and sulfur into a hollow tree trunk, top it with diamonds, and light the sucker.

Has anyone seen my cousin sock? He was around here earlier, but I think he's in disguise and hiding.

I think I last saw your cousin being worn by a sweaty Anthony Kiedis.

I think we could use a new dimension on the N axis.

This Silly/Serious dimension.

While we're at it I think we should add the Greedy/Abstemious dimension. So I can properly describe my characters who is evil for the sake of evil and my Lawful Silly Good Greedy Characters :3. Those who are lawfully good just for the attention.

Why not also a Liberal/Conservative axis? Then we would have FIVE WHOLE DIMENSIONS!

More is better right? Ok good, just checkin.

The more the merrier, right? We need more so we can make it to the 8th dimension.

So we are going to graph alignments on Time Cube?

...Meanwhile, the Bard playing in the corner continues playing.

-At the end of the set he walks up and finishes the man's coffee (2 sugars) and heads home.

I contend that the Bard should be penalized by shifting him towards chaotic, and my players think he is justified since the drunk didn't pay him and the drink would have been wasted anyway?

Your take?

** spoiler omitted **

Bard: "Drainage! Drainage, drunkard, you boy. Drained dry. I'm so sorry."

"Here, if you have a coffee, and I have a coffee, and I have a straw. There it is, that's a straw, you see? You watching?. And my straw reaches acroooooooss the room, and starts to drink your coffee... I... drink... your... coffee! {sucking sound}"

"I drink it up!"

pres man wrote:

Wait, so there are no Democrat christians? Or are they all just self-haters? I'm confused.

Democrat christians are a myth

{blows up a Democratic Christian with Mentos and Diet Coke} >BOOOOOOM!<

Myth BUSTED!

"I reject your reality and substitute my own."

Quick! Burn down the Jack's Clubhouse!

Be careful, there is a huge methane reservoir there. You don't wanna know how they made the methane either.

Whited Sepulcher wrote:

Twin Agate Dragons wrote:

Crimson Jester wrote:

Did someone give TAD an espresso today?

Nope, no espresso today.

Smurfin' Smurfity, Smurf! Did you forget your smurfing meds today? :-P

Nope I took all my smurfing vitamins today.

{hides TAD's bottle of Heathstone's Chewable "MINE!" Vitamins}

OK, lets start with Galt! {preps guillotine for the flind}

A little off the top?

Smiley the Dentist wrote:

I pick up radio transmissions with my teeth... don't be afraid to put your ears in here to listen.

*licks teeth hungrily*

Perhaps you need to update to a satellite radio subscription.

Might bring in more vict...ah..ummm..listeners. Yea. Listeners.

{installs DRM and rootkit in Smiley's teeth}

Celestial Healer wrote:

GIT OFF MEH PROPERTEH, YEH DANG HIPPEH!

I'm not a hippy.

*points to blue police box*

See that, that's mine.

{opens door, steps out of blue box, still re-adjusting overalls} Thass mahta roomeh for ahn outhouse. Ah reckin ya'll wanna wait a few minuts fore da ahir ta cleer fore going back in dere.

Kruelaid wrote:

Robert Hawkshaw wrote:

...fry them in bacon grease the next morning.

Or human fat.

That's the only way I eat them.

{suddenly feels uneasy about homemade tallow candles from Hannibal's white elephant shindig}

* Jilly upturns the first drink and drinks slowly but steadily*

*she smacks her lips and grins* Peice of..oh! whew...cake!

CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

+2. BTW, when are we going to do a raid. I need brainnnnsssss.

I'm surprised you guys don't start showing up at the US healthcare debates/"townhall meetings"/mainstream media coverage:

1) So few people on both sides of the "discussion" are actually using their brains, you could ninja-munch their noggins and I doubt they'd notice.

2) Once you eat their brain, they are a zombie=undead, therefore no need to argue about healthcare.

And the rest of us will get some peace and quiet (at least until Jacko rises from his tomb in three days to lead you zombie hordes in a massive Thriller/noggin munching dance attack).

...Bearing in mind that I was already kicked out of Azhagal's thread for my brain-eating ways.

You should all make up signs and protest outside his shop. I'm not sure he's legally allowed to discriminate against you.

Then you can stage a sit-in, blocking access to his shop, and maybe a little Kumbaya. I've already got a king-sized bong.

So, for the sake of conversation, has anyone else noticed the plight of the gnomes?...

Of all the PC races, the gnomes have always had the strongest affinity for our kind. Our gifts to them can only benefit us in turn.

I think you badgers only like us gnomes for our fermented berries/cherries and fermented honey.

Grabs Casper's spoon and scoops out Roagh's right eye, then narfs.

** spoiler omitted **

{reappears wearing helmet and welding mask (to protect eyes)} Hmmm, if I was sober, I'd feel a little ill. But since I'm not, I'm now hungry for these eyeballs.

{puts a marshmallowly gelatin/cream cheese "eyeball" in Roagh's empty socket} There, good as new.

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{starts using steam-powered wrench to bolt another steel plate onto his skull} Darn it, that hair was expensive to grow! Luckily, I still have some of that tonic left.

{sprinkles on tonic, grows flowers on bald spot}

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*eats Turnip King's brain*

You're gonna starve, my man! I've been killing my brain cells pharmacutically since before you became undead. All my cognitive functions moved into my liver (which woulda been dead too without that embedded ring of regeneration).

You're gonna get an amazing contact high though, from 20+ years of assorted chemicals.

{waves fingers in Casper's face} Any color trails yet?

Kung Pao Brains.....?

"Everyzombie wanted Kung Pao Brain-sy

Those undead swooped in like cranes-sy
The weather was a little bit rainey
But they ate with expert efficiency"

[snl]"Iranian pains fall mainly on Khomeini"[/snl]

WANTED GIRL GAMERS!

Why? If you HAVE to ask... don't bother applying! ahem! grrrrrrr.

Sorry, we've got dibs on them all in the FaWTL thread. You can have them after they sober up and all the cake frosting has been licked off.

Out of bounds.

*Tries to get one kobold to roll thru two landmines and fails when it blows straight up as it hits the 1st one.*

One point for me!

{pops in uninvited} Hmmm, if you used a cricket bat or polo mallet, you could send a single kobold rolling across several landmines. Plus, you know, you're also wacking them with a stick, so it's all good.

{drops a shotglass of Ol' Janx Spirit into a Dark N Stormy, slams it down} BURP!

Maybe Angel Food Cake could come!

As a guest, a judge, or one of the baked goods?

Personally, I'd really prefer a Devil's Food Cake.

I burned my bread thanks to you.

Jerk.

{sees no Angel Fish around} You know the French chefs are a recent offshoot of the main Hippeh bloodline. You are lucky your whole kitchen didn't burn down.

Hey, man, you think outside the box. Did you ever think about becoming a hippeh?

No man, you hippehs are too square, too huggy-believe-in-everyones-inherant-inner-goodness. I'm a Gonzo realist.

{hippeh has wandered into another thread, leaving the "Dr." thinking he has been talking to himself} Ok, pretty sure now these are LSD flashbacks.

I don't think I can beat a drum. I'm a fish in a bowl.

{in a rare lucid moment:} Can you polymorph? You could be a Celestial Drumfish, and bonus, you'd be your own set of drums.

*somehow he has gotten a set of bongos, and is playing them furiously, although without much rhythm. he looks up at Angel Fish blankly*

What were we playing, again?

{rubs off hippeh's theatrical makeup} AUGH! It's Matthew McConaughey! He'll seduce our women (and men)! He'll make us look fat and unfit! And worse of all, he'll take all our drugs!

{shoots McConaughey/hippeh in the face repeatedly with repeating crossbow} I really hope I'm not having another LSD flashback.

...That's why they decided to throw in the towel and become nature-loving fey in that edition.

Yah ain't callen meh ah a golldurn hippeh, ar yah?

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Except in D&D 3.x, where you round all fractions down. In D&D, pi is just expressed as "3".

Hmmm, maybe that's why so many of my gnomish inventions keep blowing up?

Shoo! If chaos is so good, what are you doing in a place of law and order?

Moron...

I thought Good welcomed all non-evil sentients who were open to goodness?

Poor fishy- {reaches in and lays a big wet kiss on him} being so Lawful all the time must make it hard to relax and unwind. Do you need any help? {offers handfull a assorted pills}

The brains, it's plain, are moister in the rain. {settles in with popcorn to watch re-run of The Brain Eaters (1958)}

"Good job, dear chap on that lack of sobriety very commmendable. Would you happen to help me get in such an inerbriated state?"

Here you go- {passes over walnut-sized lump of an unknown substance with over a dozen different types of pills mashed into it's surface} you should like it. It's 'Tussin-flavored too.

*passes over a beer*

"Bottoms up."

{empties beer into mug, then drops a shot glass of Ol' Janx Spirit into it} Yummy! {slams it down}

No dear doctor, i am quite familiar with the ceelestial realms, but of course i am not from the colonies like some. Your name indicates germanic decent?"

{grumbles} Hippehs is well known ta be up ahn da fancy book-lernin. Ah aints convinced.

"Germanic?" Nope, from Athkatla, in Amn. I'd just hopped a Gate from Toril to Sigil, when I spotted Celestial Follower buying a couple crates of turnips. My pappy always told me to trust a man that knows how to buy a good turnip, so I followed him here.

Or at least, that's how I remember it. I can't guarantee anything... other than I haven't been sober in over 7 years.

"Oh nice, you have brought back lots of crisps that need to be dunked in red gooey liquid, how outer-planar. And most importantly liquor, groovy.!"

Hmmm. Celestial Healer, can use your celestial sight on this 'un? Ah think we mites haf oursels ah hippeh furriner hayr!!!

<Infernal cop car pops in>

Wee-ooo! Wee-ooo! Wee-ooo!

{Climbs down off hood, still shaking} Note to self: No more psychedelic mushrooms. Ever. {pukes over in the corner}

{Teleports in, lands on hood} wHoA! i ShOuLdN't'Ve DoNe ThAt LaSt BaTcH oF 'sHrOoMs

{decides to remain on the hood, TJ Hooker style}

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