Demolition Jack's page

We should get the Jackapult and go rampage through some of the 5e threads. They are getting way to stuffy.

Sounds like fun.

Gary: if i tried to push all that info into my brain something important would get squished out

I'd pay good money to see that happen.

Bump

Jack the Stripper wrote:

Cultist of Jack wrote:

This place is dead.

Sorry, that's my fault. I'll try to scale it back a bit.

As I've told you a million times, don't kill the peasants. We need them for the Jack-a-pult.

One movie and its at Red Box, it's called Iron Clad. Has a great jack-a-pult scene. Seriously, check it out while you can.

A CERTAIN HOME INSURANCE COMPANY SHOULD GET AN UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL LOOK AT WHAT A KAIJUU CAN DO TO PUNY HUMAN BUILDINGS!

Pulls out rocket launcher, aims at Jesszilla and fires.

*checks wallet and sighs in relief*

Found your condom and your brothel pass? I know I had days like that.

We've been past by the FaWTL people twice now!

Who?!

Who's that? Who's FaWTL

Cultist of Jack wrote:

I'm going as a pirate. Did you see that some nut is trying to sneak into our turf?

*sigh*

I have the perfect man for the job. Picks up cell phone, dials numbers, ring, beep, ring, beep, Ya you now where its at? Your already there. Go, drown them to your heart's content. Hangs up.

Fellow Jacks, the situation in temple of lust is about to get cheesy.

Cultist of Jack wrote:

Anarcho-Syndicalist Peasant wrote:

Runs back and hides in the bushes

I need a nap ...

Sneaks up on the napping peasant and...PUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good one Cultist! That might have beaten my record!

I have golf clubs, cricket bats, baseball bats, war hammers, and mallets for that sort of violence. If you ever need to use one on a peasant, just call, I would be honored.

Poodle Jack Slaad wrote:

The Jackskunk wrote:

Hey, there are two poodles now! This can only be one thing: Poodle Jack is breeding!

There's nothing for it. I'll have to kill her before it's too late! *resigned sigh*
*Kicks*

*Bites Jackskunk, throws him in to pile of empty beer cans.*

Now, now, play nice or get hurt.

I wasn't talking to you. However, now that you're here...not even Lynora can complain about this.

*Sticks PJS in Jackapult and launches*

That's It! You all woke me up! I'm trying to sleep here! One more outburst! One more poodle! One more pancake! One more hungry Jack advertisement! One more puddle of poodle pee and I start swinging!

:::Shakes his +05 Ironwood cricket at everyone in the clubhouse:::

:::Sees the kegs of beer and takes one:::

Nevermind. I'm going to drown my insomnia in beer. Consider this donation you're salvation.

:::Takes a keg and goes back to bed:::

:::Looks at Puffy:::

Get out of my way fat boy!

"...Now if I can get that cable sation to work...."

Callous Jack wrote:

Demolition Jack wrote:

Convert of Emperor Sebastian wrote:

Losers.

"Finally, I get to hit something."

DJ takes the +05 ironwood crciket and smacks the convert of Emperor Sebastion until he rolls out of the house.

Why stop there? Go hit him again!

Exactly! Hungry Jack® will gladly provide the fuel for you endeavors, in the form of some delicious Hungry Jack® Pancakes. Because with Hungry Jack®, it's always the right time for pancakes.

....and bacon.

Losers.

"Finally, I get to hit something."

DJ takes the +05 ironwood crciket and smacks the convert of Emperor Sebastion until he rolls out of the house.

[i]Once the deed is done, DJ raises his enchantment cricket bat high above him and lets lightning arc off it."

"I feel like a Norse god. Hey, shouldn't there be a protocol about using the word losers in the Club House of jack?"

Anyone else think that if Paizo put Seoni on the hood of a race car, the downloads would increase so fast the servers would melt?

Yup, I reckon so...

"Hey what happened to the party?! Do I need to wreck something to get this party going again?!"

DJ makes a running jump and cannonballs into the pool and a large column of water erupts from his plunge. The clubhouse is wet, Roy Jack is wet, Jackin' Ape is wet, Lynora-Jill's hair is wet, again.

For what seems ten to fifteen minutes, he ascends wearing a scuba mask, snorkel, and a rather heavy oxygen tank. The breathing apparatus pops out of this mouth.

"Dudes! Dudettes! I found a hidden entrance at the bottom of the pool."

try this -

aaaeehh....bbeeeeee....seeeaaahh....dddduuuuuuhhhh....eeeeechhh...ffffttt.. ..

whoops

"It's that "f" that gets you everytime," he chuckles, "Not so loud or Lynora-Jill will hear us."

Demolition Jack wrote:

Just to let you all know, I can burp and fart at the same time.

Wow...

Did that once. It was a little messy. it might have been the nachos though.

Can you belch out the alphabet?

Only the letters that make uo my name. I have a hard time holding onto that much gas.

Just to let you all know, I can burp and fart at the same time.

JH walks thru the main room scratching his butt.

Who was that masked kobold, and why wasn't he Jackapulted out of here? Are you guys getting respectable?

"All someone had to do was give the order and I would have smacked him with this club. Look what Roy Jack bought me."

He show his new studded metallic club with the words "Give them Jack" engraved in the best cursive lettering.

"I can't wait to golf again, this time with hand grenades."

:::Smiles:::

Uh-oh, that did it. Time to don the safety equipment."

"WTF! She killed our stench."

:::Pulls out a tray:::

"Soft tacos anyone. Come On! Think outside the bun!"

Passes LJ on the way into the clubhouse.

"Smells like salsa Doritos passed through the intestines of any ivory elephant? Good thing I donned my gas mask again. Hey, I think this will be my new look for now-on. Really, can I get an honest opinion?"

Hey everybody!

Steps over Roy-Jack

I'm bored and I need to demolish something. Hey, can I run with scissors in the club?

Comes through with the pressurized hose cleaning and moving the jack-menagerie out onto the lawn, as they frolic with the mangled intruders.

Hey! Watch it with the hose would ya?! I'm not apart of that menagerie.

This is weird....

Dons a gas mask

You're name looks better, but that smell from your crack. Can you do something about that, like perfume, or soap, or something.

Breaks out a twelve pack of beer from the frige.

I could use some Hungry Jack diners right about now.

Begins to decorate for the Victory over Sebastian Day party.

Hey boss, should I hang the pony pinata, or should I just string up a real pony for the boys and girls to hit?

I'd say go for a real pony, but I'm, not cleaning up afterwards.

Hey Panama Jack, looks like that new cricket bat will get some good use after all.

Demolition Jack wrote:

Panama Jack wrote:

Couldn't have said it better m'self, Righto.

Jacks do unto others, not unto Jacks...unless "do" is a good thing, what-what?

"Does" another round of drinks for his fellow Jacks.

"Hey can I barrow that +5 ironwood cricket? I have the feeling I need smack something by next week."

Hands over bat.

Here you go, chum. Use it in good health.
There are some folks over in the PDF threads you might use it on, what-what!

"Finally, something vile to demolish."

Couldn't have said it better m'self, Righto.

Jacks do unto others, not unto Jacks...unless "do" is a good thing, what-what?

"Does" another round of drinks for his fellow Jacks.

"Hey can I barrow that +5 ironwood cricket? I have the feeling I need smack something by next week."

Someone needs to house-train the giant marble better, it's peeing pink stuff all over the rugs.

"I suppose wet sponges, jumper cables, and a die-hard battery would be a good start. Then again I can't smell anything with this gas mask on..."

i]Watches as Reggy attempts to kick him away, but only hurts his foot.[/i]

"Dude, I'm colossal. If you read other threads, you'd know that."
The skunk lets loose its annoyance, the acid melting the masks.
"Muahahaha."

DJ steps into the kitchen wearing his gas mask of acid immunity.

"Nothing like the flavor of pure oxygen from a pressurized tank to clean out the old lungs this morning."

Surprisingly, he tastes through a tube in the base of the mask. It seems the skunk's anal fumes have no discernable effect.

"Coffee tastes pungent, like the aroma of skunk farts. Did Deathskunk stroll around in the South America again." He looks towards Reggie. "You know, this gas mask is just me. I think I'll start a trend as well as demolish something now and then."

Demolition Jack wrote:

Panama Jack wrote:

Ah...too bad about your golf club, there, Demo.

I say, I've got a +5 ironwood cricket bat I hardly use anymore, if you like?

It's okay. I got a spare.

*Walks out of room with spare clubs*

"Not anymore...unless you wanna go in there..."

"That's okay. I have new club." He looks at PJ's +5 ironwood cricket, then he eyes the skunk with a grin.

He looks to PJ as he dons a gas masks. "Question of the day: You think I can make a line-drive with the skunk?"

Ah...too bad about your golf club, there, Demo.

I say, I've got a +5 ironwood cricket bat I hardly use anymore, if you like?

It's okay. I got a spare.

Picking up KC and placing him on a tee, DJ looks at the assembled Jacks.

"Demolition is a precise thing. Not some hap-hazard random act of violence."

"Now let see," DJ kneels and tries to measure the lay of the land, judges wind velocity with a wet finger, pulls out a notepad and calculates some numbers.

From his golf bag, he pulls out a large studded war club.

Lining up his hit, he swings and,

:::CRACK!!:::

His club strikes KC sending the sphere through the air and landing with a thud on the opposite bank of the frog pond. the momentum cause KC to bounce, roll uphill, then roll back into the pond.

"What the?! That hard marble put a good crack in my war club."

Kobold Cleaver wrote:

Monkeys and gorillas are very different things.

Who let the smart-mouthed marble in?

Unstrapping his club and eyeing KC, he says, "Golf anyone? I can demolsih a whole green with a game of golf."

Hungry Jack®! YUM!

I'll take four.

I say, Demo ol boy, wouldn't worry about that if I were you. Jack-of-all-trades comes through here every once in a while and fixes everything, I do believe.

By the way, a little Infernal comes in handy with Jackin from time-to-time. He's a Greater Fiendish Dire Monstrous Gorilla, or something along those lines...

"A Bar-Glura? Why I didn't know he head it in him..."

Hey Demo, if you need to wash up when Jackin's done with you the bathroom is right over there.

"Is it working. You should know I can't fix anything."

Steady there, ol boy.

Ape, this is Demo Jack. Demo Jack, this is Ape.

The Ape reaches forth to shake Demo's hand, and his hand encases him, bobs him easily up and down, while the Ape hoots in what seems a friendly manner, something like apish laughter.

Whoa, there, Jackin...the hairy boy doesn't know his own strength, what-what!

Being a trianed primatologist and knowing all things about Africa, DJ replies in the ape's tongue and comments on his incredible strength. He comments that the Grove of the Ancients has some high and incredible trees and that sometime in the future that should get out of the clubhouse and swing for some fun.

Enthusiastic hooting is heard in the distance.

The house begins to vibrate with increasing intensity as the hoots draw nearer.

DJ waits for the ape's aprroach with anticipation.

Reggie (my aide) and I usually use more civilized methods, as you have guessed...saber, rifle...of course, in a pinch we've been known to resort to dynamite.

When something needs smashing, I usually call in my ape. Have you met?

Dynamite's great. I had several rousing hours blowing up castles, merchant ships, elven grandfather trees, and heck even elves.

Uh, no I haven't meet your ape. Does he liek to demolish too?

Welcome, Demo. There's usually a surplus of folks who need destroying, but just right now, things are pretty quiet...it seems you have the bad luck of catching us at a down time.

Have a drink and hang around...there's sure to be a poodle or two run through the house.

Mojito or Dark & Stormy?

Dark & Stormy. I want to be in the right mood when it come time to smash. Uh, you seem very civilized. Do you smash too?

The name's Demolition Jack! I'm angry.... Who can I demolish?