Neil, you're a champ, I really appreciate the time that you and the other judges put into this contest.
Time is the most precious commodity, I truly appreciate every minute you put into this contest, thank you.
+1
and to add: this year the feedback, or to use a better word 'complaints', seem to be worse than previous years. People just don't seem to realize the pearls of wisdom they can glean from the process, which then can be used in next years competition.
I value Neil's advice, it has made me a better writer / designer.
Or to summarize: yes, your item was rejected. Freelancing is all about dealing with rejection.
A reverse underground railroad is a fun enough idea for me - and I think you will make my cut, but that is mostly due to the less than awesome competition.
Thank you for your critique Darkjoy.
The idea here is to combine something very useful to a number of characters with a Frank-Oz-like humor. It is not a gag item, but falls into the same fantasy univers that spawned Baba Yaga and similar oddities.
Its obvious that this might have appeal to lazy characters or that characters having them may be perceived as lazy. In truth I think those who will be most interested in this a characters of the Strength-dumpstat-spellcaster variety. Who may have issues moving haevy items around, even with a bag of holding or handy haversack.
This item is very restricted in its functionaluity. It does not fight and is relatively fragile and too slow to evade attackers, which is why I have chosen to prixe it at 50& above a bag of holding, but not more. The coolness of this item should be obvious to its owner, but in general this item should have the potential to trigger good (and funny) roleplay situations for the entire party - that is why I think it is SS.
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No problem, with your explanation in mind, might I suggest the following?
What about a Heron of Holding? Repackaging your idea is sometimes the best course of action.
The Heron of Holding could be medium-sized construct that may even attack. It can pick up any desired object via its beak and store it in its stomache, regurgitating the item when needed. As an added bonus the owner can ride it! You could use ostrich stats for the creature, add some construct traits and you are done.
See what I've done? I gave your idea some mojo and it became less stale than discworld's bagage - and your envisioned encounter would resolve the same way.
I humbly submit my item for feedback. I am prepared for any feedback, no matter how harsh. Thank you for doing the awesome job you do as judges in this competition.
Hoard Watcher Aura faint abjuration, divination and evocation; CL 5th
Slot None; Price 36,900 gp; Weight 2 lbs
Description
Within a hollow, octagonal prism of crystal, this fist-sized reptilian eyeball is held suspended in a clear green liquid.
Once per day a Hoard Watcher may be bound to a single magic item or valuable object (a piece of art, a gem, or other valuable with a minimum price of 250 gp) within 35'. This bond lasts until the Hoard Watcher is the subject of a dispel effect, bound to a new item, or the bonded item is destroyed.
While bound, the pupil of the Hoard Watcher unerringly points towards the bonded item as long as both objects remain on the same plane.
The Hoard Watcher can be commanded to guard its bonded item for 10 hours per day, but the duration need not be continuous. While the bonded item is within 35' of the Hoard Watcher this functions as an alarm that is triggered by an unauthorized creature touching the bonded item or moving the item outside the guarded area. In addition, when triggered the bonded item emits a 25' radius of energy that negates all forms of invisibility within it for 5 minutes.
The owner of a Hoard Watcher is allowed to scry on the holder of its bonded item as if connected through a garment or possession.
The connection between a Hoard Watcher and its bonded item can be blocked as though it were locate object. When a Hoard Watcher cannot detect its bonded item or does not have a bonded item, the liquid inside the crystal turns opaque.
Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, alarm, invisibility purge, locate object, creator must have at least 5 ranks in Appraise; Cost 18,450 gp
My take:
1) Template use is incorrect (your submission may have been better)
2) 25' is old skool - and totally out of use, I guess you mean feet and ft. will indicate that quire nicely. Or would have that put you over wordcount? I guess it would have with the current 293 words.
3) It's very pricey, hunting down the fool who stole my artefact is going to be cheaper and more fun without this.
4) In the end this is just a spell in a can that solves the result of poor GM-ing: taking away the PCs toys.
5) I do like the FX of the item, eyeball in lquid
6) The item does a little bit too much, too many powers dilutes the cool.
OK description
too many powers
not something a pc should really need
Not a superstar but I do know that you should stop after 3 powers.
Two is usually too much already, think minor effect, major effect and most of the time your are golden.
thsi year I hadn't as much time to prepare for this contest as I would have liked to have, so a quick idea and writeup had to suffice. Here's what I was able to come up with on short notice :
Mask of the Iron Facade Aura faint enchantment; CL 3rd
Slot Head; Price 2,500 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
This plain iron mask covers the whole face of its wearer, modeled to only show a vague, stoic expression to the world.
It always feels chilly to the touch and gleams as if slightly oiled.
When worn, the mask grants its wearer a +4 resistance bonus on saving throws against spells and effects with the emotion descriptor and the DC to use the sense motive skill to get a hunch about the wearer is increased by 5.
However all morale bonuses are halved for the wearer as long as he wears the mask of the iron facade.
Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, calm emotions; Cost 1,250 gp
Hi Azmahel,
To get you started on the critiquing path I am going to give you a review ;>
I do get a King Baldwin vibe (Kingdom of Heaven movie) from your item, if you were going for that then good job. Can't say that it is a winner though.
The Good: low cost, low level. You thought about how the item affects the wearer with the morale bonuses. So that is ok.
The Bad: not really that innovative....it's just a protection item and if used in the campaign: how would the world see a user of this item?
The ugly: nothing that I can see.
So good enough mojo, mechanically uninspiring, and good template use. I hope you can spare some more time next year.
I would appreciate the judges' feedback on the Sluggard's Coffer (which is not a gag item) ;)
Sluggard’s Coffer Aura Moderate transmutation; CL 11th
Slot -; Price 7,000 gp; Weight 50 lbs.
Description
This large bronze plated wooden coffer is engraved with avian imagery and feathery patters its lid decorated with the long necked head of a heron. It can hold 400 lbs. or a volume of 50 cubic feet. The coffer’s key grants anyone carrying it the ability to verbally command the coffer as a move action (see below). On command the coffer animates as a medium size animated object (see the Pathfinder RPG Bestiary) extending a pair of long birdlike legs. The coffer can be commanded to animate, to revert to its inanimate state, to move to a destination within line of sight of the key bearer, to follow the key bearer, to stop in place and to pick up an object within line of sight of the key bearer. The coffer can pick up unattended objects of up to 50 lbs. using the heron head on its lid. Items picked up in this way are immediately deposited inside the coffer as the heron swallows it. If the key bearer is adjacent to the coffer he can drop an item into the coffer as a swift action (the coffer automatically opens its lid to catch the item). If the coffer is ever more than 60 feet from it’s key it immediately reverts to its inanimate state.
The coffer has the properties of a medium animated object with the following exceptions: AC 16, hardness 10, speed 20 ft. (cannot run) and cannot attack.
Opening the coffer without the key requires a Disable Device skill check or a Strength check (both DC 30) or a knock spell or similar effect.
Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate objects; Cost 3,500 gp.
Because Neil gave you a drive-by review and you expected more let me give you a few pointers. I am a harsh critic, or so people tell me.
MS Word tells me your item has 293 words
thesaurus.com tells me that a sluggard is an idle slothful person.
So we've got a chest for an idle person. How exciting or superstar is that?
I like your first sentence, it describes the item accurately. Next you give me the impression of "Baggage" from the Discworld novels.
Basically your entry is a walking chest that you can keep stuff in.
Now answer me this: why is this superstar? For 7000 gp this item is beaten by almost everything in the book, explain to me why I want this, why is it cool (based solely on the description offered, not on what may exist in your mind)?
I look forward to your thoughts on the matter.
The pricing of the item looks very iffy to me, with a caster level of 11 and being a slotless item is should cost way more than what you give. The coffer is not a true animated object but that still won't explain the price disparity.
Conclusion:
The good: description is ok, good use of the template
the bad: price is way off
the ugly: not really superstar
My advice: ask a fellow player if he wants this at the suggested price or an item of equivalent value, ask yourself the same question. RPG Superstar requires that you submit something so awesome that everyone asks why didn't someone design this earlier.......does your coffer do that?
Your entry is an easy reject, maybe next year you'll do better. This competition has shown me that next year's entry is always better in some way.
As the (now very proud) designer of the "Torc of Zealous Tenacity" I welcome any advice you might give me.
What I think I failed to do right was this: add mojo, I had lots of words to spare but did not use them.
The item came to me in a rush and ofcourse the moment I submitted it I thought of several ways to make it better: 1) change the name to: Torc of Tenacious Zeal 2) maybe play around with the Iron Will feat - offering a bonus on the DC 13 Wisdom check to avoid gaining the disabled or dying condition.
This is the second year in a row that I made the keep folder, looking forward to year 6!
Entered all 5 years, last year my item went to the keep folder. I've got a thread showcasing the progress I've hopefully made, you can find it under the rpgsuperstar general discussion.
Anyway, my advice would be to not limit yourself to RPG Superstar, I love the competition and chance that Paizo is offering but there are other freelancing opportunities available - if that is what you seek.
I just want a spiffy Paizo tag behind my name, be it RPG superstar or contributor ;>
Obviously my entry didn’t make it, my guess would be that it (again) lacked the proper mojo.
Torc of Zealous Tenacity Aura faint necromancy; CL 3rd
Slot neck; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Engraved into the twisted iron of this torc are dozens of dull glowing runes warding the wearer against death.
The wearer of the torc only dies when his current hit points drop to a negative amount that is equal to or greater than his Constitution score plus half his Wisdom score.
If the wearer of the torc is reduced to 0 or less hit points he may immediately attempt a DC 13 Wisdom check to avoid gaining the disabled and or dying condition for 1 round. During that round he may act normally, this includes taking full-round actions, but at the end of his actions he receives 1d4+1 points of damage from the strain.
Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, false life; Cost 6,000 gp
My only regret is that, a few days after I submitted, I started having this feeling of knowing why the judges will shred my item to little pieces and throw them in the "reject" bin.
Well, until the 24th there's always hope :-)
That is just you growing as a designer, always happens after pushing the submit button, but it is a sign that you are improving.
Darkjoy, I love your Bracelet of Shackled Souls! I will likely use a variant of it in my home campaign (hope my players aren’t reading this). It has a role-playing atmosphere that most item ideas lack.
Thanks, have fun with it
Quote:
I'm all geared up to compete in the other rounds. Prepping rough ideas. Collecting needed Golarion resources. I'll be ready if called. Otherwise, bring on RPG SuperStar 2013!!!!!!!
That's the spirit!
The RPG Superstar recipe for success is as follows:
Item must have flavor - mojo
item does something mechanically interesting
item follows the round #1 rules
I usually run afoul of point #1 - I can do the other 2 with my eyes closed but #1 breaks me up every year. I usually forget that this is a competition to get noticed and not a competition who can design the most balanced item......
You really would think that after 5 years I would know this ;>
How is the occupy movement faring in the US these days? Here in the Netherlands we had a couple of groups but most sites have been disbanded and from what I could tell consisted mainly of the usual suspects: leftist squatters and professional anti-establishment people.
I could be one of those lucky 12, but I can find more and more fault with what I submitted - One of the great benefits of RPG Superstar, with every item submitted (over the years) you gain experience in what it is lacking. This sadly occurs after the fact (submission).
But in truth, I want to be found wrong with the above statement, I want to be one of the 12.
If they've got 12 now then they will end up with 80 in 5 weeks time, and the judging will be stricter. What is cool and a keeper now won;t be cool or kept in 2 weeks time.
Yes, I agree, but people who are delusional don't get a say or vote (if you believe walkers are people you are delusional).
Quote:
For example, the farm was a safe haven. It could have been a place where they could get food to survive until the zombie threat is over. The real threat in any catastrophe, is food, water, and shelter.
When will the zombie threat ever be over? Zombies decay, but one bite means another fresh one to roam about.
Quote:
By killing the zombies in the barn, they've killed Hershel's will to live, and his desire to keep the survivors on his land. I'm willing to bet he'll kill them before letting them stay now. And what will they do, kill Hershel and his daughters in retribution? Shane might.
Didn't Hershel order the group off his property by the end of the week? You are right that things will escalate
Quote:
Having said that, they don't know anything about how to maintain a farm. It took Hershell and his daughters a lot of work to do so. Since they don't know how to run or maintain a farm, let alone take care of the animals (he's a vet), they might as well have burned it. So they're on the road again. How is that a better solution than the possible walker threat and waiting for Hershell to maybe realize (on his own) that they're not alive?
Farming is pretty hard to do and without machinery even harder, it took industrialization to get us out the dark ages.
Hershell has kept the walkers in the barn for more than 3 months - after that time I am of the opinion that he will not change his mind regarding their 'condition'.
Quote:
Personally, I probably would have shot Shane by now. Sometimes he's right, but he goes about it the wrong way. If he doesn't like a choice that's being made... move on, you have a vehicle. The barn was a group decision and affects everyone, it's not his choice to make alone.
Surviving is not a popularity contest and most of the group joined him in wiping out the walker threat.
Quote:
Ah well, great show, I'm sure everyone has an opinion about it, which is part of the reason it's so interesting.
Yup, what would you do after the apocalypse? How far will you go to survive? Always interesting questions to ask.
Sadly Nature has hardwired you to survive (at any cost) - you might feel bad about the way you did it, but survive you will.
Hey, Rick walked past him to shoot the little girl in the head. If Rick hadn't done that I believe Sofia would be dead before she came within the 5 feet perimeter......
Why entering RPG Superstar is good for you -> Because you get better
Every year Clark does his best to get everyone to enter and I reply to his postings that entering will make you a better writer / designer.
So let’s take a look at my experience.
First year nobody really knew what to expect so I entered a perfectly good item that in the end was met with three words: reject, reject and reject.
Year One:
Goblin Gruel
This milky, greenish concoction tastes surprisingly sweet. It bestows upon the eater a +4 morale bonus to strength and grants the eater the use of the Diehard feat, both effects last for one hour. Eating the gruel also incurs 4 points of damage to the eater’s wisdom score.
Before any major raid or battle, goblin warchanters and shamans work together in creating a batch of goblin gruel for the warriors. According to goblins, the gruel makes a goblin stronger, twice as tough and absolutely fearless. Other sources often refer to the fine line between fearless and senseless, but admit the truth of the first and second claim.
Faint transmutation; CL 5th; Craft Wondrous Item, bestow curse, rage; Price 2000 gp for a batch of 50 servings.
From the first year I learned that standing out from the rest was important, so my entry for the second year tried really hard to get the judges attention. It succeeded, but for the wrong reasons, the name of my entry got a lot of discussion.
Year Two:
Eyes of Fear and Fire
Aura faint evocation and necromancy; CL 1st
Slot eyes; Price 2600 gp; Weight –
Description
These soot colored, crystal lenses always feel warm to the touch. The lenses fit over the user’s eyes and color them pitch black, the user receives a +2 competence bonus on Intimidate checks due to the otherworldly appearance of his eyes. Three times per day, the user can will the lenses to blaze with hellish fire for 10 rounds as a free action, the user gains a +5 competence bonus on Intimidate checks. Two times per day, the user can launch a ray of fire (treat as a ray of frost) from his eyes at a target as a standard action. Once per day, the user can use cause fear (Will DC 11 partial) as a gaze attack. The gaze attack can only affect one target.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cause fear, ray of frost; Cost 1300 gp
Year three was a bad year, got all gonzo and fell for the make it hard for the GM trap
Year Three:
Syringe of Infernal Sight Aura moderate evocation and transmutation; CL 6th
Slot -; Price 42,000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
A green hued, metallic syringe holds a dark swirling liquid in a hollow, crystal tube. The syringe’s plunger is oversized, accommodating claws and other inhuman appendages. An extremely sharp and thin hypodermic needle completes the syringe.
Succeeding on a DC 15 Heal check or a DC 15 Dexterity check allows the user to inject the dark liquid into an eye. Failing a check deals 1d4 points of damage to the subject, but the liquid is still injected into the eye.
When all of the subject’s eyes are treated, the following takes effect: the subject treats an area of darkness, including magical darkness, as an area of bright light. The subject treats an area of dim light as an area of normal light. The subject treats an area of normal light as an area of dim light. The subject treats an area of bright light as an area of darkness. This effect ends after 6 hours.
The syringe holds six doses and regenerates 1d3 doses each day. Each eye requires one dose.
Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, darkvision, daylight; Cost 21,000 gp
Year four was a very good year, got into the keep folder!
Year Four:
Bracelet of Shackled Souls Aura moderate necromancy [evil]; CL 9th
Slot wrists; Price 54,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This fine bracelet consists of strands of silver and cold iron, braided together in a pattern of tiny chains. Five black pearls are embedded in the pattern. As long as the bracelet is worn, any living creature that the wearer reduces to -1 hp or less, using a melee attack, must succeed on a DC 13 Will save or die. The creature’s life force is stored in one of the black pearls, which will turn silvery in hue. The captured life force acts as a charge; the bracelet can hold a maximum of five charges.
As a move action, the bracelet’s wearer can, with a flick of the wrist, create a curtain of ethereal chains that spreads in a 15-ft. radius from the bracelet. Anyone caught or passing through the curtain of ethereal chains must succeed on a DC 15 Will check or become shaken for 4d4 rounds, the wearer of the bracelet is not affected. The curtain of ethereal chains lasts for 1d4+1 rounds, this effect expends one charge from the bracelet.
As a standard action, the bracelet’s wearer can launch a mass of ethereal chains at one target within 60 feet. The ethereal chains will attempt to grapple the target using its CMB of 15. The CMD of the ethereal chains is 30. If the mass of ethereal chains succeeds on the grapple attempt, it will on subsequent rounds try to pin and then tie up the target. If the ethereal chains fail to grapple the target then they will fade away. The mass of ethereal chains lasts for 10 rounds and requires the expenditure of two charges.
Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, death knell; Cost 27,000 gp
This year I’ve fallen for the following traps:
Bad Name
Submitted before adding mojo
Luckily next year is an even year and my items are always better on an even year.
I've entered each year and I cannot deny that excitement, hope, despair and frustration are all part of RPG Superstar. You are excited about your item, hope it will go far, despair when a judge mentions a meme that popped up this year (and fits your item) and you will be frustrated when someone edges your item out of the top 32.
BUT, and I cannot stress this enough, it is FUN!
Every year I learn something new, every year my items get better (except for year #3 when it ended up sucking ;>) and it is good writing practice! For in the end, people who enter this contest want to do something with game-design and that means writing.
And even though Charles has found out that RPG Superstar isn't for him, he did try it three times and since then found an approach that works for him.
So do enter, don't reject yourself, we've got judges for that :-)
For me, Wheel of Time, Anita Blake and the Sword of Truth all fell into the same trap. The main character ended up being the absolutely best of everything. The greatest swordsman AND the greatest mage AND the lost heir AND the chosen of a god and/or destiny AND blah blah blah. It is a sign the series has run too long when you have to stack more super powers on your main character to deal with the escalated risks over the last book. That kind of lazy power creep over a series kills it for me as much as anything else.
I totally agree - powercreep kills characters for me. Must be why I like G.R.R. Martin and Erikson (Malazan), they handle their powercreep most effectively - death solves everything
Its coming, slowly. The deadline for the Book of Beasts is starting to bear down on me. I've done some editing on the spells so far but I'm not saying anything yet, one way or another.
I'll continue watching the inbox then....
Might I suggest Deadline Domination as your next feat? Gives a +2 on both Fortitude and Will saves when engaged in word wrangling.
City-sized space ships of 10,000 crewmembers seems a bit beyond the scope of what I enjoy, though. I didn't see anything that suggested I'd be arrested for fudging that at my table and declaring ships to be a lot smaller with a very reduced crew.
You won't be arrested, but to my thinking, it's changing a fact that operates on a core thematic level (and attaches to some of the ship rules), which I find a curious choice to make.
*cough* Traveller: it's firefly in space! *cough*
The traveller ruleset would suit "firefly' a lot better - the rules state that running around ship getting it ready for hyperspace is doable and often done on a 100 ton vessel
Tauron Hunt - Pilot (adept), shot in the head by fellow acolytes after becoming infected by a zombie mutagen on a space hulk.
Zed - psyker and gifted swordsman, got sliced and diced by a cyborg assassin.
? - mind wiped assassin, captured by a foul cult he and his fellow acolytes tried to escape, took a wrong turn and after slaying many cultists he was downed in a hail of bullets.
But, Werthed, where do the players fit into all this misery? If they don't play eight-foot-tall sex-starved death machines, who can they play?
Well, they play the heroes of the game! The lowly mooks that keep the imperium running by ferreting out Chaos, Mutants and everyone else who made the non-human list.
The PC's die so that MAN endures!
This is the essence of the game, you are going to die, maybe not the first session, but sometime soon as the enemies of MAN are numerous. As an acolyte of the Inquisition you aspire to become Gilded - your deeds will be written down in a book, book is covered with molten gold and laid down before the god-emperor (the dead guy on the golden throne) so that he may know your deeds.
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