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Time: Day 1, Dinner The Orc harrumph and shakes his head and quickly adds "No offense meant Doctor, however my Orc blood screams out that it is a bad idea, better to be a nearly toothless shark then a seal oozing blood in the same waters. A few teeth might keep the worst pirates at bay, those that come will come anyway, but then I am an Orc not an Elf to hide in the bushes when not humping a defenseless tree." The Orc looks around at the others "What do the rest of you say?"
I kinda sorta already did that one.
Let's do a fun one: 229) Dec 7th 1941 Admiral Yammamotto begins his assault on Pearl Harbor confident of swift victory. The reason why; Kami sensai, Shinto priests who can literally summon Kami; Japanese spirits/dieties to fight for Japan, who creating literal divine winds, tidal waves and other such effects.
That and Amatarasu-Omkami's aid to the allies in the invention of the A-bomb help to end the war pretty much on schedule. All the Best, Kerney 
I have two Anecdotes to share. Great thread btw, haven't laughed this hard in a while. Spoilered for... Not sure what but I'm not certain it's politically correct... Spoiler:
So in a homebrew campaign, we were the poor shmucks who unwittingly partook in the theft of a deific artifact, the Heart of Shelyn, from her major temple in Absalon. The real thieves bumped into us, dropped it, and as the fates would have it, it broke. We found out later about some big shpeal about the rage of a broken heart and fated lovers reuniting mends all heart wounds (as it turned out, the bard was the one who bumped into the female thief carrying the item, and therefore their destinies were intwined and only love would mend the heart).
We track it all up and down the inner sea, using our half to find it. Dealing with various pirates, thugs, bandits, and wraiths and other ghosts an enraged Shelyn kept sending after us. Turns out Shelyn acts like any other woman when her heart is broken, and we were guilty by association (DM's words, not mine). Finally we get to one of the smaller port cities of the eastern inner sea, I can't recall each one, and we follow it's signature trail to a warehouse. Long story short after some investigation, my inquisitor of Pharasma, the bard, and for some reason the cleric of Gozreh, decide to sneak in through the back. The rogue wanted to slide in through the roof. The Barbarian was off having her own sub plot at this point (which lead to her multiclassing into witch), while the sorcerer sat out front trying to figure out what she was going to do... Finally, she walks up to the door, and knocks. Guard: Who's there? What do you want?
At this point, the entire group busts up laughing. After about five minutes of breathing and stifling the giggles, the DM decides to roll with it. Guard: A man with a tattoo on his dick huh? Hold on. The guard calls Johnny over. Guard: Johnny, there's a pissed off looking woman here looking for a man with a tattoo on his dick. Who's daughter did you knock up now?
Johnny looks through and has no idea who our sorcerer is. So after a bit of back and forth I can't quite recall, she asks for confirmation he is who he says he is. There is some shuffling of crates behind the door, as Johnny stick his wang out of the peep hole (or whatever you call the sliding window door things). Sorc: (out of character) I handle it for a few seconds to 'make sure', and afterwords.... MAGIC MISSILE! Guy takes 3d4 points to the crotch, laughter is had by all (including Johnny's fellows). Thanks to Johnny being blown backwards enough, Guard finally notices that our rogue has been offing the people from behind and dragging them off to the shadows after he fell off his rope and into a barrel of fish. The rogue, at this point, was dragging the corpse to the darkness, stopped what he was doing, and announced he was the janitorial service. This opened combat with my True Shot -> Called Shot crossbow bolt to the FACE with a double crit confirmed (auto-kill in our group). To this day, "Man with a tattoo on his dick" elicits prolonged giggling, and the legend of Johnny permeates every game we have played since, even in different campaigns and different time frames. Good times, good times. The only other anecdote of hilarity I can recall is from one of my oldest memories of my first gaming group. I was playing a half-elf rogue in 3.0. Having maxed out and gotten as many bonuses as I possibly could to Pick Pocket, I was deemed the guy who could steal anything, in plain sight, in broad day light. Somehow the bard talked all of our way into a royal ball, so we could deal with the king's corrupt adviser. After the bard makes several failed diplomacy and bluff checks, I decide to liven up the rapidly darkening mood. The adviser found himself with no clothing, in the middle of a packed ball which has ceased entirely to witness the exchange. This immediately swings things backs into the bard's favor, and my DM decides to give my womanizing, drunken, pocket filching rogue a reward for such quick thinking. The eldest, and sluttiest, princess finds her way over to him, having witnessed what he did while no one else had. Complimenting him on his fast finger work, she comments on the fragile delicate beauty of a woman's virtue, and how my character could probably steal the purity from a convent-bound princess. I decided to roll a pick pocket, and with a nat 20, declared "I already have..." while making my exit as smooth as any super spy movie. This elicits quite a few laughs on it's own. What added to it was the DM expounded on that with her having to retreat to her bedroom to fix her dress and her hair... The smarmy barbarian (good friend of mine) goes "And thus begins the horrible legend of Kaelaran, the only man to be in and out in under two seconds." Took us all ten minutes to recover from that one.... Man, humor was so different back then. Or at least that kind of humor was more humorous than what we got now xD. 
In a Shadowrun game. Trog : Troll Street Ganger
The crew are hiding out in an old gas station, protecting a ganger friend of Trog's from a rival gang. It's outside either gangs territory, so they feel relatively safe. 2AM, the drone rigger see's a bunch of gangers pulling up on motorcycles a block away. A firefight ensues with the front of the building getting shot to H***. Halfway through the fight, Trog starts thinking. Trog : Hey, I look out the back window.
After capturing the indestructable BBEG (champs game) we struggled what to do with him.
The party had just defeated a frost giant who had a giant sized magical crossbow. The paladin and the barbarian had a discussion about how it would be a shame to just leave the small ballista sized magical crossbow behind just because it was too large to use. Paladin to Barbarian - "I have an idea. I can strap the crossbow to my back. Then when we want to use it, I can bend over and you can get behind me and start cocking..." Room exploded into laughter and it took 15 minutes for everyone to recover enough to continue. 
This happened a few hours ago during the group's trip to the goblin fortress in book 1 of Jade Regent. The party naturally slaughters the goblins and behead Chief Gutwad (who presented himself in-game as "King Gutwad, King of the Goblins!!!") but this leaves a conundrum: They have no way of getting to the next plot point because the goblins are all, well, dead. Cue the messenger. One lone goblin returns from patrol in the swamp, singing horrible songs about fire and pointy death like all goblins are wont to do. The group hatches a plan immediately: Chai Qi, Jung Sa, Vata, and Duster: We hide in the next room.
The goblin comes in. He sees what he assumes to be Gutwad, but the body is propped up in the throne and Pan Li, the group's vanara weapon adept monk, is manipulating Gutwad's severed head with his hands to make it look like he's still alive. Goblin: King Gutwad!
And then the hilarity begins. Goblin: .....Will I see the Dark One?
This whole night was just one hilarious point after another. =D 
Not exactly in game, but last session we were discussing with our DM about playing at his house since as he puts it, he has a fully stocked "man-cave", one of the girls in our groups asks if his wife has her own "woman-cave". Without missing a beat he just replies, "The Kitchen." Needless to say the men in our gaming group all break into laughter, the woman all get a little insulted, then he explains that his wife is a chef and actually spends most of her time in the kitchen. 
Alright, here's an anecdote (not quite a one-liner) that was not only hilarious for everyone involved, but an example of some amazing DMing. Our characters have just entered an ancient catacomb, including my character, Ichi the human barbarian. One of the other characters opens up a coffin, finds a corpse with some jewelry. Another character opens another coffin, and finds a corpse holding a spear to its chest that radiates magic. I tell the DM I'm opening up a coffin as well. DM: "Alright, Ichi, you see a corpse in the coffin. You notice that he's got a stick in his chest, and he has rather large teeth. Oh, and he's got a nice shiny gold signet ring on his hand, too." Everyone at the table begins exchanging glances, snickering among themselves. I don't notice it, because I'm too busy thinking to myself, "Sweet! A gold ring! And a stick or something? Probably another magical spear. Large teeth? Who cares?" And so I respond. Me: "Sweet. I'm gonna take the ring, and I'll pull out that stick, too." The entire table goes silent, and everyone, including the DM, stares at me, then they all burst into laughter. DM: "Alright. The vampire lord rises from the coffin, and sees you holding onto his signet ring. Roll initiative." It was hilarious. The DM's narration was perfect- my character knew nothing of undead, so he described the vampire exactly as I'd see him- a corpse with big teeth. And he did it so fluidly, I, as a player, didn't think anything of it until it was too late. I tell every new player about this, because it's a great example of how to use in-game knowledge over out-of-game knowledge. 
R. Doyle
(Pathfinder Roleplaying Game, Adventure Path, Campaign Setting, Companion, Tales Subscriber; GameMastery Superscriber)
Ok, this one has a one-liner in it... Another anecdote to amuse me... Our party was travelling through the woods tracking a bunch of goblins. Thrilling, I know. As usual, we had been drinking our adult beverages while we played, because gaming isn't gaming without it. There was plenty of the usual amusement to go around, and our PC's were generally being very successful. Our ranger, our glorious ranger, was doing some of the best tracking of his life. He rolled nothing less than 15 on the die, and was managing some incredible tracking scores. Since he was rolling so well, the DM was providing an abundance of information. This was not enough for our ranger though - he wanted more. He finally rolled a nat 20 and was asking every detail imaginable. The rest of us, having been playing for a while, but sitting and drinking for a lot of it since he started his sherlock-holmes-in-the-forest routine, were growing a bit rambunctious. Ranger "Do I find any tracks?"
To this day, he can't ask that question without someone laughing... 
Thor - The GM
"Windsong, make a Knowledge Nature check; the DC is '2 or higher on the die'." - Thor "KB is not shaken." - Thor
"I'm attacking the one by my rear." - Rick
"+22 to the face." - Thor
"..." - everyone (while waiting for Caleb to tap down 33 points of damage on his iPad) "Why are you at 6 now, what happened?" - Sara (to Caleb)
"Count Cloacula!" - Thor (in a deep voice) "This guy's never been touched." - Thor
[Rick farts]
"...who'm I gonna kill..." - Thor (under his breath) "Cloak of charisma...for Panos?" - Thor
"Does Tally put it on?" - Thor (referring to Krojun's sredna)
"I can hear, I'm not blind." - Sara "Is that sarcasm?" - Caleb
"What 'special tent'?" - Lapis
"KB is crying, and his Shoanti war paint is running from the tears." - Luke "What type of action is 'getting married'?" Is it full-round?" - Caleb
"I'm gonna go polish my shield...or something." - Panos "Has anything involving marriage ever caused the Shoanti to go to war?" - Tally
An old classic from our first Pathfinder final edition game: The party has just fought off a bunch of dark elves trapping a Shaitan genie sorceress in her temple. They beat them down and send them reeling, leaving them and the Shaitan genie alone in the room. Unknown to them, the Shaitan genie was actually a dark elf sorceress using an illusion to appear as a Shaitan genie, planning to send the PCs on a wild goose chase to buy herself time and willing to sacrifice a bunch of minions to do so. The paladin of Cayden Cailean, Bartholomew Daytiger, talks to her for a bit afterwards and she begins to give them her lengthy quest. He gets the feeling "You know, this isn't how I expected a Shaitan genie earth elemental to act" and uses detect evil on her. Boom, her aura pings black as night, evil. With this new information, the paladin leans over to her and whispers... "Did you know that you're evil?" The surprise round began with Bartholomew being disintegrated. 
The PCs are carefully traveling through the forest, and come to the edge of the woods, and a cabin. They are in an enemy kingdom, so they are particularly cautious. They camp and spy on the cabin. They watch as a teenage boy approaches, is greeted by an old woman, and enters. They listen to the conversation. The boy is a messenger for the enemy army. The old woman is his grandmother. They have a cordial, family conversation, she gives him a basket of something covered in cloth, and the boy leaves. The PCs, as can be expected, are horrendously suspicious and plan an attack. The group's fighter, however, refuses to participate. He's quite convinced that it's just a teenage boy paying a visit to his grandmother, and that they'll find her inside, probably baking muffins. So, the other PCs orchestrate a complex tactical assault on the cabin, above the protests of the fighter. They invade, find out that the old woman is really just an old woman, take what supplies they can, and leave. The fighter's waiting outside, sick of the paranoia and unnecessary violence of his compatriots. "Satisfied?" he barks. "We... um... found some muffins. Would you like some?" "I don't want your blood muffins!"
I was running a Star Wars game. Using GURPS for it, since at the time d20 SW hadn't come out, and d6 was out of print. Worked pretty well actually. So it was set during the movie periods (episodes 3/4/5). The players were told they could play whatever they wanted, they decided they wanted to be smuggler types. I had the following :
So of the four players, 3 decided to be force users. Then, they proceeded to go from planet to planet in Imperial territory and use their force powers as often as they could. The Jawa would use his to drive the vehicles they rented on every planet. The Battlemaster would use them to fight 'evil doers'. And the crystal would use them to access information nets. About 3 months into the game (meeting every week) they got hired by this guy to take him and some exotic animals and his 15yo daughter from one planet to another, he was helping supply a zoo there. In deep space, the guy tried to assassinate the Togrian using force powers, really tore his leg up bad, and almost killed him before the Battlemaster managed to kill him. They turned on the girl and she burst into tears, telling them how she'd been his slave for years, he'd killed her parents when she was 10, and had used her as his cover ever since, making her help him set up one group of force users after another. The PCs were feeling pretty rotten about roughing her up at this point. They started talking amongst themselves, she'd been cooking for about 2 gaming sessions, and was doing a great job, better than any of them did (funny, nobody took cooking as a skill). So they offered her a job to stay and cook. She cried a bunch and took the job, but begged them not to kill the animals. So they agreed to find pet shops and zoos for them. She wanted to keep two as pets, and they gave in on it and let her keep two, she picked a six-legged monkeycat and a four eared four eyed bunny thing. So, they continue on, for about 4 more months of games, and I pull the battlemaster into another room. We are gone for about an hour, and then come back and I mention to the Jawa that the port is saying that their docking fee's are being rejected by the bank. When they investigate, they find that the Battlemaster's access code was used to access the bank account, and 50K credits are gone, leaving them with a dozen credits in the account. They turn the ship upside down, but the battlemaster and all his belongings are long gone. The other players give the player a bunch of grief over stealing all their money and running off, and all he does is shrug and say it was nothing personal, just something his character had to do. He makes a new character and they continue on. But their bad luck continues, customs inspections and being on the run from Imperial troops over and over again. The Jawa begins to act even surlier than usual, and b#*!~ about all the repairs and no money and no respect what with him keeping the bucket of bolts all together. They spend another 2-3 months on the run, things keep snowballing until they've all got 100K bounties on their heads. Then, they finally get in touch with a rebel contact who's going to help them escape out to the rim and join the rebellion, which has just had a big victory destroying a major Imperial base called a Death Star. They land, meet the contact while the Jawa keeps the ship hot and ready to fly away. As soon as they meet the contact, hundreds of storm troopers descend on them. As the players are looking at me with slack jaws, the Jawa's player pulls out his iPod and plugs it into a small speaker. Then Darth Vader's theme begins to play out of it as he describes the ship slowly taking off, with a Tie-Fighter escort. He stands up, strikes a pose, and looks at the other players. "You will learn to respect my Authority! For I am Darth Kenny!" Only time I've had a game end with all the PC's utterly hosed where nobody complained a bit. Turns out the Battlemaster had been dead the whole time, they find out. The 15yo girl was actually a Sith Apprentice, and the 'kidnapper' was just some schlub force user her master had tortured into a convenient puppet to give her a cover story while she proved herself and passed from apprentice to Master. Her new Apprentice? The Jawa. Her master? The 6 legged monkeycat which was actually an alien sith force user. :) 
From Rise of the Runelords: "This is embarrassing, I can't even hit a Goblin. I mean if I left it alone it would probably just set itself on fire." 
I recall a 4E game once in which we had a new player in the group. He had opted to make an elf, and really wanted to play up his race's haughtiness. He instantly began grating on my wizard. During one heated debate, he tries to be as condescending as he can, and simply states... Elf: I'm sorry, I don't speak "stupid."
He lost that argument. 
I'd like to hear some of the funny stuff said/done at the game table (in game please) that made the whole table laugh. When my gaming group had just started, we had this kid (senior in HS getting ready for college) who wanted to play a halfling rogue. Because he was terrible at naming in general, we looked the other way when he named his character "Skeeve" (Robert Aspirin Myth- books, for those who don't know), so we're leveling along, doing our thing, listening and /facepalming to all the goofy stuff Skeeve comes up with. In the course of adventuring, we meet an old knight. Positively ancient. And a little crazy too. I know my DM, and I figured this was his Don Quixote-type guy, who wanted "one last adventure..". I forget what we were fighting, but the knight does this Majestic Charge™ (like something out of the movie Excalibur) and hits his mark, but in the process is run through by two pikes, killing him instantly. Our DM gave us this moment by moment accounting of the knight's passing, how heroic it was, how serene he looked in the face of death, how he went out as he intended...and Skeeve interrupts by saying: "Dibs on the armor.." The knight hadn't even hit the ground yet. It may not seems so humorous in type, but I swear to any God you place in front of me, we were in hysterics. I still remember that was the one time I laughed so hard that I cried, my sides were killing me, and I had to leave the room... 
Not a rule so much as an advisory notice: Calling the DM a 'rat bastard' will not, in fact, alter the composition of the encounter... but it might make the DM smile a bit more. |
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