Cap'n Jose Monkamuck's page

Well the captain has had an interesting time recently. As we were having a semi-uneventful travel through the Isle of Dread we awoke to find out that someone had wondered off during the night. The Journalist had apparently decided to take a random stroll through the jungle. Now considering the cowardly little stalker we picked up I immediately saw two possibilities. Either she wondered off like a little twit or she was weak willed enough to be charmed out of camp by the pervert. I immediately assumed it was cause she’s a twit since if the pervert was going to go after someone weak willed Sir Ineptus is the obvious target. Although she is prettier then he is, but so are some mosses I’ve seen.

We immediately set out to find out wandering writer. After a little while traveling we came across the signs of her being carried of into the jungle by some sort of ape. This did not surprise me in the slightest. What did surprise me was how long it took them to ambush us after we went after her. But then again they have been such pathetic cowards so far, so I shouldn’t have been too surprised.

We followed her tail all the way to a set of crumbling ruins with a corpse hung upside down. It wasn’t really surprising when it started yammering at us, some idiotically clichéd threats. I promptly responded by kicking his face in. This splattered messily, so I said a prayer for him, just in case. We camped here for the night so that I could get Locate Object, that way we can find her journal. Whatever happened to her, that journal is still going to be with her.

The spell lead us into a cave, rather creep place. It was less than surprising to find all her non-magical gear, although it was nice to confirm that what took her was intelligent. Further in we found some candles and mirrors that Torsin said would transport us further in.

Of course the candles were trapped, not that that should surprise anyone. I stood by while Blabbermouth tried to try and disarm it. Instead she triggered it and tried to flip out on the group. Da Fighter, Sir Ineptus and I all tackled her to ground and waited for it to run out. This was a pretty nasty trap, so just letting her try over and over again could get someone pretty hurt. Instead we tied ropes to each of her hands and gagged her before she tried again. As soon as she started flipping out one of pulled a rope one while, the other pulled in the opposite direction. Pretty hard for her to do anything with her arms stretched out and her mouth gagged. After several yankings we got the trapped disarmed on one candle and I went through first.

When we first got into the next room I could hear movement from the overhands above us. I didn’t want to rush out there stupidly the way Sir Ineptus would, so I waited for everyone to show up. Then I whispered to send out a decoy. I figured that these things already knew we were here and where thanks to our torches, so if they saw an illusion of us sneak out they’d pounce right on it we could rip’m a new one. Instead the idiot sends another one of her fat men waddling out from under a different overhang. That might have worked if they were unintelligent, but if they were unintelligent they’d have leaped as soon as they saw our torchlight.

The decoy worked about as well as should be expected, meaning not at all. Instead the four invisible demon apes were able to sneak up on us. Unfortunately for them we were able to fight them off and their little mob of monkeys too. The bad part was one of them got away. I was worried that the little bugger would report to its boss, and then the boss would slit the journalist throat just to keep us from rescuing her, so we pushed on as fast as we could.

The naga in the next room was a push over. It wouldn’t have taken more than 3 seconds if not for a bit of magic that made it hard to hit. Still rushing we managed to get through the next few rooms in a matter or minutes. Of course this required us to find the traps the hard way, but that’s what wands are for.

When we finally found the big ape boy running the place our journalist was still alive, although our finger wigglers were low on spells. During the fight they did the smart if pansy thing of running away, but considering how much help they could be without their magic, I don’t fault them for that too much. The bugger has hard as hell to hit, which is why he managed to live long enough to teleport away. If I see him again I’m getting myself a new rug.

For the record I never felt that the ape was unreasonable, just very frustrating. Which was at LEAST as much due to horrible dice rolls on our part as anything else. With slightly better planning and a few better selected spells would probably could have owned him. That's our fault, not his. (Also my AC is only in the 30s with the help of spells or similar buffs, but it's close on it's own)

Here are a few special one liners from tonight's game.

Captain Monkamuck: Let's walk right into this little ambush.

Captain Monkamuck: Omana, Omana, hope you weren't a pansy, may Kord bless you or something.

Torsin's player to the gm: Would flaming poo cout as alchemist fire?

Me: Do we see our cleric roasting on a spit?
Torsin's player: Clerics roasting on an open fire.
Singing to the tune of chestnust roasting on an open fire.

If your group charges a lot (most do), then the Hold the Line feat is wonderful. Second something that most GMs and players forget is that any round you don't plan to attach (ie if you are casting spells, summoning, etc) you can fight defensively. It's not much, but the 2 or 3 points can be handy sometimes. It's an especially nasty trick if they think they've pegged the badguy's ac. Also if you have a bunch of power attackers you can consider the elusive combatant feat (complete warrior), for a few special enemies. Be careful not to over use the two feats though, that can get annoying and take some of the fun out of hte game.

I plan to double post like this every time. the first post is an account of what happened in a character like narration. The second post explains variou points where people may need more background info, rules explanations or gm comments. Feel free to respond to either one.

An important note about how the party is traveling. In the campaign prior to this one one of the characters bacame a very, very high level sorcerer. He was originally a psion, but I banned the class and he switched to sorcerer, but not before he was up to 9th level powers. One I let him keep was the Genesis spell, which he used to create his own Demi-Plain. Between the experience he was willing to pay, and an item he recieved for his part in the adventure, he was able to cast the spell somewhere between 10 and 15 times, resulting in a huge plane.

To have a way to get there he create a permanent gate that could open to the city of Gorna and an island ruled by one of his adventuring friends. Seeing the value of this some merchant agreed to help him with the gold piece cost of creating more. His plane now has gates that are free to use for anyone that open to almost all capital cities and a few other trading cities. The party can use these to quickly get to major cities, but once there they have to travel to more remote destinations on foot.

He is also the Dragon's step-father.

I do also use random encounters that the players get to roll for. If they roll low enough, anywhere from 10-40 depending on the location, they have an encounter. If they roll 96-100, they have an unusual weather or terrain encounter. Once they get an encounter they get two more rolls, one for power level and one for hostility factor. What they need for those rolls changes on a whim, sometimes high is good, sometimes not. This goes for both creature and terrain/weather encounters.

Creature encounters can range anywhere from something trying to eat them, to merchant caravans, to escaped slaves and so on. Terrain/weather encounters can be large storms, ley lines, random naturally occuring gates and anything else my feverish little mind can come up with. I think it's more fun for the players when they get to help roll to determine their fate. You should see how fast they reach for those dice sometimes.

Well good lords and ladies, our dastardly group of villains has not been idle. Having but recently returned from a quest and being well rewarded the decided to take their ease for a short time. The company makes it home in the vile and lawless city of Mormung in the kingdom of the Sea Princes. It’s easily bribable guards; openly evil temples and slave market all make our adventurers feel quite at home.

Pandora met with the leaders of her temple to report on her recent adventures and exploits. They were most impressed with the group’s activities, but concerned over what their employer could have up his sleeve. They asked her to keep an eye on him, but to continue to work for him. She then went off to her own devices.

Sucky on the other hand found herself rapidly drawn to the slave market. She decided to take a portion of her hard earned money and purchase herself some companionship. She eventually settled on an untrained young girl around the age of 15 to be her slave. She set about using her innate abilities to wrap the poor terrified young thing around her little finger. Her process of turning the girl into a willing slave seemed to be going quite well. Surprisingly the poor young thing seemed to have an innate resistance to pain. When Sucky decided to tattoo her name on the girl she dubbed Alpha B*tch the young thing did not even whimper.

In the mean time the Assassin returned to his guild and kept his ears out for any opportunities that might have surfaced. His patience was rewarded when in a week the guild received a request from a temple of Erythnul. It seemed that a local temple of Pelor had learned of their hidden existence in the city of Gyrax and had summoned a Sword Archon to hunt down the evil temple. A sum of 40,000 gold was offered if anyone in the guild could bring the head of the Archon to the temple of Erythnul, minus a body of course.

Pandora, The Dragon, Wannabe and Sucky were all only too happy to assist in this mission, for a share of the profits of course. When they arrived in the city and quietly made their way to the hidden temple of Erythnul they discovered that the temple had already concocted a plan to lead the Archon into a trap. They had spent a great deal of time to brainwash one of their lower ranking followers to believe that an empty cavern underneath the city was where the church held their meetings. Hearing this our band of villains were only too happy to take over the ambush.

Most of the party decided to hide, but Sucky wanted to play the part of the hapless tied up victim. The Dragon also elected not to hide, instead she sat around reading and pretending to be oblivious to her surroundings. Unfortunately for our band the Sword Archon was not alone. Upon hearing that the location of the temple had been discovered he summoned help in the form of an Asura. Among the possessions of the Asura were several potion of invisibility that she and the Archon used to sneak up on the group unawares.

The fight was short and brutal, but the two angels were quite outmatched in the end. The quickly rendered unconscious the kobold minion that served the Dragon, which almost proved disastrous for the party. The temple of Erythnul had provided a scroll of dimensional lock, which the kobold favored soul carried around since he was most likely to be able to cast it. This gift was to ensure that the Archon’s ability to teleport away was negated. Fortunately mere seconds before the Archon would have fled to find more help the Assassin intervened. Slipping down the stalactite he had been using to hide he slipped his dagger into a chink in the Archons armor and ended the Angel’s life. With the Archon dispatched the Asura quickly went down as well.

The party took the time to remove a number of the body parts of both celestials before they departed to collect their reward. That reward combined with the sale of the treasure that their two victims carried proved to be most, most generous. They took this reward and returned to Mormung to spend their ill-gotten loot.

Upon returning to his guild the Assassin found some very interesting news circulating. Apparently a patron of the guild was offering to sell one of the 6 legendary assassins blades. These blades are famed throughout all the assassin guilds as blades of awesome power and vile evil. As it should be expected, the blade is far from free. The money cost was a mere 150,000 gp, extraordinarily cheap for such a powerful item, but those who wish to wield it must also complete a few tasks to prove they are worth of such a powerful relic.

A week after returning Lord Ansolm, their employer, revealed to The Puppet Master that he had another mission for them. He wished them to journey to the tomb of an ancient good king and retrieve a certain item for him. He them to find a small four sided bronze pyramid, with no markings on it.

They decided to take the mission, but not foolishly rush off into the unknown. A few days checking with sources and finding information told them that legends held that the king had been friends with various angels, some of which may have agreed to serve as guardians after he passed on. Of even more importance he hired a number of wizards and adventurers to craft traps and golems for his tomb. Our adventurers wisely decided to purchase themselves several scarabs of golem’s bane.

The kingdom containing the tomb is known to be going through many economic hardships. It is now quite possible to buy your way out of most forms of legal trouble, among other doors that money can open. Sucky decided not to leave her slave in a slave kennel as she had for their last trip. Instead she paid a sanitarium to keep her secretly in solitary confinement. For reasons only know to himself the Puppetmaster attempted to hire someone to liberate Sucky’s slave. The results of that remain to be seen.

They estimated that it would take them three days to reach the tomb. The first day brought only one interesting encounter. The party was surprised and worried when a Sun Wyrm swooped down and announced that they would have to pay a toll to cross his territory. After some clever negotiations and the Dragon revealing her true form, the party was forced to pay a mere 700 gold. When a few of the group balked their more generous members made up for it in an effort to avoid trouble. The party has finally stopped to rest after a hard days travels. Who knows what the night will bring?

I redo monster feats all the time. Go for it.

Funny story about an NPC dubbed the "yo-yo healer". High level encounter with a number of (very) random npcs helping out. I used the minis and stat cards from the D&D miniatures game. One of them was a 3rd level healer. She was being attacked by an enemy that need a 2 or better to hit her. On minimum damage she went down to -1, on max she went to -8. Since he had cleave he never bothered to finish her off. The cleric of the party was using very powerful mass cure effects each round to punish the undead and heal allies. His minimum healing would put her up to far more than her max hp. So for 6 rounds it was "She's up" "She's down" "She's up" "She's down". What sucked most for was her initiative was between the two, so she was alway uncious for her turn.

Player: "Okay, I seduce my unicorn."

From a high level game from a while back.

DM (me): You take 80 vile damage, let me roll for the rest.
Josh: Okay how much do I really take?
DM: I mean it, you take 80 vile damage.
Josh: Jesus!!!!

The look of stuned horror that appeared on his face will forever bring a smile to my face.

This is the GM's campaign journal for one of the two D&D campaigns I am running on alternating Saturdays. It starts in rough 15 hours at this point. This group decided that they would play evil characters, which makes a nice contrast to the other group.

Both groups are playing in a version of Oerth that has been modified by previous campaigns that I and others have run. I've changed the rules slightly to make things more fun. Basically slightly more feats, few more skill points, nice stats, occational rerolls. I also don't run ECL adjustments by WOTC's moronic system. Generally the ecl adjustment is the CR, and can be bought off.

For those of you who follow Turin's STAP campaigns, two of the players in this group are in crew 2 and one is in crew 1. Hopefully you all will enjoy both my GM journals and the player's journals (which I will be encouraging).

It will be interesting to see how the campaign I have planned plays out. The previous D&D campaign I ran went from level 3 to level 24-29 over the course of more than 2 1/2 years. This may or may not go on as long, but I hope it does. Currently everyone is in the level 8-10 range, although I am trying to slow down the creap a little since it has been about six months since the game started. We are now in the really fun levels.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the world of Oerth. It's a world many you will know in one form or another, but this one is quite different. It is a land scarred by the wars of both men and gods. Most of the old gods are dead and new ones are slowly rising to take their place. It is still world of great heroes, whose power is immense. Unfortunately for our group of "adventurers".

Not all those who adventure are good a heart. In fact our intrepid little band is work on being as far from good as possible. They intend to slaughter, massacre, steal and destroy their way to riches and glory. Few of them are truly evil yet, but they are slipping at great speed. Let's hope they manage to stay away from those great and powerful good two-shoes. So lets introduce out little band:

The Dragon is the daughter of a former adventurer and now goddess on the side of good. Her father was a Fang Dragon that her mother befriended and dallied with. A spell of her father’s granted her full dragon status, and the ability to age quickly as she grows in experience. The spell also granted her the ability to assume human form. She could be a great force of evil, assuming that her mother doesn’t find out.

Pandora is a beautiful lady, if you can get over the fact that her heart no longer beats. Once she was a young paladin in the service of good, but during a traumatic battle she was driven too far and snapped. She killed many before her former friends slew her, but Nerull offered her a second chance. She arose as a Death Knight to server her new god in the cause of death and slaughter.

The Assassin is a suspicious, vicious and paranoid man. He excels at his job and is well respected in his guild for his ability, but not for his personality. It’s quite possible that he may soon be in more danger from his irritated comrades than his future victims.

The Puppet master is a skilled manipulator. He can talk and lie his way out of many situations. Quite a few of which his companions got him into. He has some magic at his disposal, most of which focus on clouding and manipulating the minds of those around him. Hopefully his abilities will be able to keep him and his compatriots from being hoisted by their own petard.

Sucky was once and loyal soldier in the service of a temple of Ehlonna. Unfortunately a rare and powerful poison that the Assassin managed to get a hold of turned her into a succubus. She has come to rather enjoy her new form and is beginning to explore its abilities. She is also beginning to study arcane magics; she may someday be a wielder of great power.

Wannabe is many things. He is an anthropomorphic panther. He is a half-dragon. He is a fighter and a warmage. Unfortunately he is so many things that he is not especially good at anything. Still he can be useful from time to time.

Mister Kitty on the other hand is a very different proposition. He is the child of two very powerful former adventurers. From his mother he inherited grace and a penchant for sneaking around. From his father he inherited the abilities of a weretiger along with a habit of ripping out his enemy’s hearts and eating them.

Recently this brave band of villains slaughtered an entire temple of Ehlonna to retrieve a scroll. They delivered it to the man that they occasionally look for, but not before noticing that was written in an ancient form of Abyssal. After getting paid they await a new quest in which to practice their villainy.

For the record the plan is to get to Sacred Fist 4, then take 10 levels of Warpriest, not the greatest casting ability, but it should be pretty impressive. I think I'm going to enjoy it

I have a question for those of you who read this thread and our character threads. I am currently running two seperate games on alternating Saturdays. I've considered post a campaign log for each of them. I don't use modules so this is set in a modified version of Greyhawk.

Do you all want me to post a GM's campaign journal?

If I get enough yeses I probably will, and may encourage my players to start a campaign log.

DO NOT MOCK THE HALFLINGS. For they are mean, nasty, psychotic little buggers. Seriously. Every halfling I've gamed with or GMed for has been dangerous, ill tempered and moderately to extremely psychotic. It may just be the groups I play with, but watch out for those little buggers. Although Gnomes aren't much better apparently. I've got one in a game I'm running who has the personality of a pimp more or less. For those of you who are familiar with Dark Sun, the halflings in our neck of the woods would find it quite well there.

Both mine and Torsin's skill tricks are house rules. They are one point skill tricks that apparently the complete scoundrel discusses but doesn't have rules for.

For the record, he was cured of the disease BEFORE getting into the pudding. As for Kord's feelings on the matter.....

Well the last few days have been moderately entertaining. After the brief and rather easy fight with some mummies Sir Ineptus started whining about not feeling so good. Then he starts crying up a storm about how he’s all weak and needs to stay in the back so he doesn’t get hurt. I told him to suck it up like a good Kordite rather then whining like a baby. Eventually we moved him to the back of the group so he would shut up.

Blabbermouth found and secret room with a rather nasty trap in it. Apparently anyone inside the room when the tomb gets opened can be accurately renamed shish kebob. Now Blabbermouth was a little unsure if she could disarm it. I didn’t want to have such a useful crewmember get skewered, especially when there was an easier way to handle things. So we tied a rope around the top and yanked it off from the outside. It was rather entertaining to see the huge mass of spears go everywhere.

After resting a bit to satisfy the finger wigglers and get Sir Ineptus to stop whining we went to make sure that this place was clear before using those two rods we found to get out of here. Unfortunately for Sir Ineptus it turns out the place wasn’t clear. He wrapped his fishing line around a stone that Torsin Tightbutt was nice enough to cast light on, so that we could check for treasure in some water.

You know, twice now Sir Ineptus has gone fishing with that fishing pole, and twice he’s gotten picked up and almost eaten for his trouble. First the assassin vines and now a black pudding. If it happens a third time I’m going to do him a favor and burn that fishing pole. I saw it as it went for him, but I was just a little too slow to get to him in time. The Journalist also ran up to attack and got sucked in, screaming something about her precious book. In the mean time I did my job by standing there and beating on it.

We managed to put it down pretty quickly, but not before it destroyed almost all of Sir Ineptus’ gear. It was sad to watch him bawl afterwards. Followers of Kord are supposed to be tougher then that. Eventually he sort of got over it, enough for us to move on at least.

When we left we got attack by a bunch of giant crabs. It was rather entertaining to watch Sir Ineptus try to charge forward and jump just to land on his rump and promptly flee. The rest of the fight was short and easy, the only real fun was lady Tightbutt showing us her new cooking skill. I was amazed at her ability to cook, season and kill all in the same spell. I can respect a finger wiggler who can multitask.

Over the next few days we had to deal with an invisible, demonic and stupid stalker, as well as a few gargoyles. The gargoyles were less than impressive frankly, even when we ran into their crowned leader. Unfortunately they were also rather tough so the captain spent a bit more time calling on Kord to help everyone out instead of beating things to death like he prefers. All in all it would have been a pretty easy and relaxing trip, if it wasn’t for the whining.

Well I'm chiming in late again, but I'm sure you lads and lasses will have some patience with the captain. And if you don't, then like a proper cleric of Kord I'll beat ya till you do.

We traveled a bit further on and ran into the giant chickens that everyone has mentioned. The lady Tightbutt decided to attempt some out door cooking via fireball and scorching ray. Blabbermouth was happy to throw a variety of spells that kept several birds acting like stumps. Add in the pain dished out by sir Ineptus and myself and the fight was short, sweat and easy.

A little while later while walking through this jungle we came across a bunch of ruins. In the ruins was a mass of spider webs and freaky looking woman. Turns out that she, Lady Tightbutt and Blabbermouth all shared a language that the rest of us don't know. probably some silly fingerwiggler thing. Despite my repeated warnings not to tell the freaky lady too much they both spent far to much time talking. I get the felling that if I had known what they were saying I would have had to shut them up myself.

Later we found a long tunnel that had the Journalist muttering about "perverts". I think the just got freaked out by a rat or something.

Now yours truly may be a touch chaotic, and not up on the book learning, but I ain't no fool. So when we see deep chasms with only two bridges across them, I immediately start thinging boobie trap. Now the Journalist can lay down a fly spell thanks to the not completely useless god of hers. I wanted to send Sir Ineptus ahead under it, but she want to do it herself.

Fortunately this left Sir Ineptus back at the door way where he put his big muscles and glass jaw to their proper use when the two biggest bugs I've ever seen came crawling down the walls. After he ran back out of harms way we managed to bottle neck them in the door while the Journalist hovered over the chasms out of harms way. I got busy calling on the blessing on strength of Kord, which can take a while if you want to be REALLY bad@ss.

I got distracted for a moment when I heard an incredibly loud fart out in the room. At first I thought that the Journalist had let one rip, but looking up I saw a large fat man shaking his rear at the bugs. Turns out Blabbermouth was making illusions to distract the bugs and lure them through some groups of minions she had summoned. The bugs couldn't hurt the minions, but the minions could hurt the bugs.

Eventually I came out with all the blessings Kord was willing to bestow on me, and a few extra thanks to our finger wigglers. I made short work the remaining bugs, or at least what we left of them after the various spells did their work.

When finally we moved on it was into a hallway with really disgusting artwork. It was dedicated to an old god of undead, and there were plenty of dead bodies around. Not that hard to figure out what comes next.

Sure enough we ran into a trio of mummies. Of course thanks to the fact that we were laying down turn attempts as we went the first one got up and ran away. During the ensuing fight a few of our weak willed members froze in terror. The pathetic pansies. If Sir Ineptus wants to honor Kord he better stop locking up like a baby crying for it's momma.

Well the captain has been falling behind in telling his tale, but I shall now correct that for all you patient lads and lasses. After leaving the Sargasso we headed for our goal, can't remember where that is now, but at least our navigator knows where we're headed. I think...

We ran into a rather nasty storm. Nothing our captain and trusty crew couldn't handle, if it hadn't been for that d*mn reef. As we got stuck on the reef a huge spiney looking fish surfaced nearby. It tried to chomp on various people including yours truly, but eventually it was chopped into pieces.

Now this particular kind of fish is apparently very tasty if prepared right. So we dragged it on board before we tried to get our ship loose. We were able to limp to the Isle of Dread. Oh joy.

After the storm passed and we landed I and the rest of our party got out to scout the area, leaving the crew to salvage what they could. Just after we got off the ship we got attacked by a giant lizard of some sort. The Journalist called it a Thunder Lizard or something like that. Sir Ineptus, Da Fighter and myself, being the adventuresome sorts, charged forward to beat on the beasty. It managed to swallow both Sir Ineptus and Da Figthter before fleeing like a coward. I of course ran after the beasty, but Sir Ineptus managed to barely finish it off while cutting his way out of it's stomach. That's why I always make sure my dinner is dead before I start eating.

After felling the giant lizard we cut the head off and put a quick spell on it to make sure it doesn't rot away. I think we have found our new figurehead for the ship. I am getting that thing mounted on the ship as soon as possible. We're going to get it rigged up so I make it open and close while still at the wheel of the ship. Da Fighter had the great suggestion of rigging it up so that I can talk and how it come out the mouth of the ship. That boy does me proud sometimes.

Well seeing as how we had a lot of supposedly good fish laying around I decided to try my hand at cooking. After dumping the results into the drink and watching the fish come belly up we instituted a new rules. THE CAPTAIN DOES NOT COOK. It doesn't matter how hungery you are, it's better to just eat it raw.

Eventually the Blue Nixie finally showed up and was able to take almost everyone. They didn't quite have enough room and our little adventuring party had to stay behind. Figures.

I sent the head of the lizard with Amella and some platinum to get it stuffed and preserved properly when she reaches port. In the mean time we packed up and moved off some.

The next day wasn't too interesting until we hit a meteor crater. It might be nice to try and scavange the area for metal, but I doubt we'll have time. There were some sodding enormous lizards wandering around. One of the baby ones was getting attacked by some large flightless birds nearby, so we got involved.

It was a short and sweet fight, but afterwards Blabbermouth somehow got the idea to try and befriend the giant lizard. Now I will say that our two finger wigglers lover their book learning, and I'm pretty bad at all that stuff. But book learning isn't all their is. Which is why I'm stand pretty and Blabbermouth in flattened.

Well, after landing on the giant salad we decided to scout the nearby ships. We found one not too far away that was still pretty intact. Now seeing as how everything was rotting and we aren't morons I made sure everyone was using spears to test the footing before walking on it. This sort of saved us from a nasty ambush by a trio of vines. I'm not used to the vegetation trying to eat me frankly.

Unfortunately we still had to brave the vines to retrieve the captain's log. Sir Ineptus in a typical blend of stupidity and intelligence decided to try and retrieve it using a fishing pole. He managed to get the book back, but got himself caught in the process. Tempting as it would be to leave him there, we had to rescue him.

After perusing the log we decided to head to the center of the island and try to find the heart of things before we got swarmed over by walking veggies. Got there just as a whole freaking army started climbing out of the seaweed. We climbed on the nearest ship hoping it would either be almost defensible or what we're looking for. Thankfully it turned out to be the latter.

We got into two minor fights both of which were handled easily, no thanks to Sir Ineptus charging off in all directions. Yours truly got strangled a bit during it, but I was back to my charming, screaming self in short order. The druid decided to do her chicken impression yet again and fly away squaking. Fortunately we found two survivors to take her place. One was a blabbermouth who callers herself a "beguiler", all I know is that she is yet another finger wiggler, although a pretty useful one. The other lady to show up is a cleric of Fahlargn, who always has her nose in a journal she is writing. When she first told me who her god was I thought she had sneezed, but then I remembered about the flacky little travel god. Oh well, maybe we can get her to follow a real god at some point.

We finally headed downstairs and found a giant gibbering plant thing. I find it amusing that everyone but yours truly tried to hang back out of reach. Although after a moment or two Sir Ineptus finally proved true to form and charged right in. Many spells and javelins were thrown over head at the veggie bar, although Lady Blabbermouth didn't managed to do a damn thing.

Finally she scoops up Sir Ineptus and tries to slink back into her hole. I wasn't about to let the cowardly cucumber run away, so I lept screaming into the hole after her. After bouncing off her head I grabbed ahold and hung on to her as hard as I could. She decided to try and kamikazee us into the pit and jumped down 70feet. Not sure what was going on up above. All I could hear over her jabbering was "Touch my javelin", a slap and then Da Fighter came flying down into the pit to put the finishing touch on our salad. The whole island started breaking up at this point.

All I have to say is:
Islands 0
Captain 1
Mwahahahaha

Welcome again lads and lasses. A rousing adventure was recently had by all. After rapidly departing the ruined town we stopped a few days later at a stream to refill our water tanks. As the crew departed in one of the boats a great seven headed beast rose from the decks to attack the ship itself. The lucky bast*rds.

Well the only one to spot the attack was our fingerwaggling catlady, who was deguising herself as a bird of some type. She claims she's a falcon, but she did a good impression of a chicken as she flew away sqauking in fear from the beasty. This left yours truly as the only one in range to get mauled. The beasty did it's best with 4 of it's 7 heads making nasty chomps, one of them in an especially tender area. Sir Ineptus then proved true to form as charged forward and beat on the beasty. Da Fighter joined in with javelins and lady Tighbutt with her fireball that she had been soooo longing it cast. Our druid lady managed to stop doing her chicken impression long enough to an Ice Lance at the bugger. In short order the beasty was annihilated, although as usual Sir Ineptus got rather torn up in the process.

Along the way to our next destination Sir Ineptus continued with his usually attempts to seduce the lady Tightbutt. The fact that she usually bakes him in response does not seem to dissuade him. Frankly I think the boy ain't right in the head. Although he seems to be gaining a little resistance to the fires of her displeasure thanks to the often repeated exposure.

We stopped a charming little fishing village to buy supplies and enjoy a bit of rest. The pirate we captured was turned over to the locals since we didn't feel like feeding his sorry a$$ anymore, and I didn't think Kord would appreciate us just throwing him overboard. Turns out that he and the cheiftan have a bit of history. Sucks to be him.

Avner made the mistake of leaving his cabin when we arrived. Which would've been fine, we might have been able to "accidentally" leave him behind the next day. Unfortunately the moron decided to try and buy himself a slave girl. Now I follow Kord for crying out loud. I had to do something. So it kicked him in the nuts to shut his stupidity up before I threw him back on board. Our lady cat decided that wasn't sufficient punishment, so she bit his right where I kicked him. I hope the next lady he talks into his bed likes stumps. On that note apperently our little Tomboy does like'm short. She and Da Fighter spent the night on the ship.

After several uneventful days sailing we ended with our ships getting parted by a storm. Now I had sealed orders that I was only supposed to open if we got seperated. Like any good follower of Kord I opened the envelope weeks ago. So I knew we were supposed to simply GO ON LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED. Whey she couldn't just tell me this I have no idea. Women and their secrets, sheeh.

After a few more days sailing we woke up to find ourselves traped in a huge tangle of seaweed. The stories say that this is a huge evil island of seaweed. I've never gotten to kill an evil island before, this should be fun, assuming I survive.....

((I'm going to wait till next week and do the sargasso as one entry))

As both a player AND a gm (for the record I am currently running two D&D games on alternating weeks) I say they got what they had coming to the at the least.

Personally if one of my players had told the city council passing judgement on them that he might come after their families I'd have thrown him in jail for a year or more. Then if Lord V is somewhat corrupt he would send them a note in jail offering to let them escape if they did a few services for Lord V. This would leave them in the position of being fugitives who have to stay around to complete the task. If Lord V has the money and connections I'd have him put a geas/quest spell on the escapies that if they try a will save to resist it will nix the whole deal. Throw in some sort of spell or effect that would prevent them from saying who it was that helped them escape and they are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

If they complain about this, just let them know that it's their fault for being COMPLETE FLIPPING MORONS!

Thank goodness none of my players is so stupid as to do something like this. They know better then to mouth off to the wrong people, especially at low level. It helps that they know about a number of epic level NPCs sitting around in various places who could easily spank the lot of them. Most of these NPCs are former player characters from a campaign I ran for over 2 and 1/2 years.

For the problem of them hosing you with splat books to powergame....jsut go with a simple rule that I use. If it is something form a book I don't own, you have to show it to me and get my approval before you can use it. After instituting the rule I'd give them a few warnings that they need to follow the rule. After that anything they bring in that I don' have and didn't approve, they simply lose it, and get nothing back for it.

Greetings once again lads and lasses. Sorry for not spinning new tales for you sooner but Amella was feeling a mite frisky, if you know what I mean. Recently we set ashore, yet again over my vigorous protests. Unfortunately our navigator had it in his contract that we needed to stop. Now I can run a ship with the best of them....but them little numbers and readings leave yours truly befuddled and bewildered, so ashore we went.

Apparently the little bugger wanted to explore some monster infested ruins. There were a few small fights and some rather annoying traps, but no great danger or excitement. Yours truly has a funny feeling that this may be the calm before the storm.

There was only one interesting fight, wish a little glowing blob of zappage that our lady Tightbutt refered to as a "will'o'the whisp". Whatever the little bastard was called it was hidden up in one of the rooms. Sir Ineptus managed to hear it breathing, despite it being invisible. We didn't believe him at first, since he has earned his monicker for a reason. To silence our doubting he took a swing a the bugger.

A brief fighter ensued in which lady Tightbutt and Sir Ineptus both tried repeatedly to talk it out of fighting, the daft buggers. As a result they just pissed it off more. In the meantime I backed it into a corner and Da Fighter stabbed it over my shoulder with his longspear. In short order the glowing piece of snot bit the big one and we were able to rest for a while.

As our travels resumed we had a run in with a rather run down pirate crew. The poor blighters were nearly slaughtered wholesale. Since we say them coming I was able to spend nearly a full minute calling upon the blessing of Kord to wipe the floor with the pansies. The only one who wasn't more fragile then a glass hammer has been turned over to the "tender mercies" of Sir Ineptus.

We did try to make landfall at a town that proved not to be inhabited anymore. Our finger wiggling kitty claimed that the arrows were lizardfolk made, but I didn't really care. In a fight of The Captain vs An Entire Town, I wouldn't be putting the money on me. So you can imagine my feelings about The Captain vs What Killed An Entire Town. Needless to say we left as fast as the winds would take us.

Our first landfall was at a dinky little fort whose name escapes me at the moment. It was a run down place that offered little other then drinking and whoring. I think Amella would gut me if I cheated on her, so I bought her some rum, as it was the only other worthwhile thing there.

After considering things Da Fighter, Sir Ineptus and I decided that we should spend the evening in deep and respectful worship of the god Kord. So of course we went looking for the nearest barfight. Kord is a god of battle and contest and there is no better place to worship him properly then on the battlefield. Spying a huge brawl spilling out of one of the cheaper taverns we took a minute to call upon his glory we waded into the melee with the most holy battle cry of "COME AND GET IT YOU CHICKENSH*T PANSIES!"

Ah what a glorious evening of worship it was. After several minutes of pummeling, kicking, gouging and even biting the snot out of everyone in the vicinity there remained only we three devoted followers of a glorious god. We promptly turned the weaker and more cowardly ones over to the local constables. The few truly worthy opponents that had been there we laid down in a local inn. Kord respects the strong and the brave after all.

As we sailed further along the coast we saw some truly horrific landscapes. Giant webs, trees full of totems, huge sacrafice pits. I'm not sure I want to come back to this continents.

During this peaceful voyage we did have a little trouble. First we heard some commotion in the bottom hold. Da Fighter and Sir Ineptus hurriedly opened doors and ran down stairs. I however had a quicker way. So calling on the protection of my diety I quickly lept down threw the hatch to the bottom level and came face to face with the biggest blue toad I'd ever seen. For a moment I thought it must actually be dumber and uglier then even Sir Ineptus, but then I remembered who I was thinking of and realized I was wrong on both counts. The battle proceeded quickly with Da Fighter getting most of his guts ripped out and crawling away, and Sir Ineptus nearly doing the same before finally cleaving through the beasty.

Many days later Lady Vanderbourn called for the ships to dock and the mouth of a river to take on fresh water and rest. Remembering what I'd seen on the shore previously I called her a flaming loony among other less polite accolades, but she persisted and I relented. I was proved right when a giant peace of sea snot came on board and started beating the tar out of everyone in sight. The less said about the fight the better, but I'm afraid Da Fighter did not survive.

It turns out that Da Fighter was carrying around a scroll of Reincarnate that our druid was able to gasp out between retches. I'm afraid he returned to us in the body of a dwarf. I heard he had something going on with a crew member known to most as "The Tomboy". She has yet to hear of his new status. Hope she likes 'em short.

((To try and keep out of character and in character seperate I will post anything out of character in the double parenthesis. Also the reason that the title of this thread is "with peanut gallery" is that I'm extending an open invitation and request to everyone who reads this to please post your responses, suggestions, complaints, etc. Feed back is always nice.))

After meeting my new found chums I discovered they had a ship, and one that was sadly lacking a captain. Now I've got quite a bit of experience with ships, and more importantly I like shouting orders at people. So I immediately claimed the position. These fellows might be full of book learning, but common sense tends to be a tad lacking. Fortunately there was no arguements, so I didn't have to show anyone what their liver looks like.

The first mate that our boss had hired immediately caught might attention. A rather good looking wench, but looks aren't everything. I shan't repeat in full what she said, as I don't want to shock the faint of heart, but with apparopriet beeping it goes something like: "Hello you BEEP BEEP BEEPING Captain. The BEEPING crew are BEEP and BEEPING ready. And if you screw with me I will BEEP BEEP BEEP you in the BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEPING with a BEEPING BEEP BEEP. Got that you BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"

What I can I say, it was love at first cuss. I never thought I'd find a lass to capture me heart the way, but she had. I decided then and there I'd make her mine. The other arrivals were quick and it seemed as if things would be relatively painless. Then I heard that one nitwit hadn't shown up on time. After confering with my employer and finding out that someone had paid very handsomely to make sure this joker ended up far from the city I was forced to wait.

When the inbred twit of a noble finally showed up I easily understand why someone wanted him far from here. The jackenape called himself Avner, but I called several things that can't be repeated in polite copany. Fortunately he doesn't count as polite company. I told him to get his stuff onboard because we were leaving, but the moron was too busy so busy talking about his horse he forgot to relay that order to his servents. So I don't consider it my fault when order us to make sail and they were still sitting on the dock. When the waste of air tried to complain I told him that it would be really hard to talk when he was holding his teeth in both hands. So he went below deck to sulk.

Some how this completely untrue rumor started circling the ship that I was offering money to anyone who could lock Avner in his cabin for the day. This is completely untrue and I have no idea how it started. Although it is true that I have this small hole in my pocket that once in a while a gold piece might fall out near some worth individual. That these individuals just happened to be the ones to lock Avner in his cabin that morning is pure coincidence.

A few days out we brought the ships togather and had a party in honor of our voyage. Thanks to some copious amounts of rum I managed to get Amella to open up to me. After finding out about what happened to her husband I promised to help track down the bastard that did it. I think we should use his chums to chum the water and then throw him to the sharks. Such and interesting word chum. It may take a while for her to accept me, since she still remembers her late husband. But I'll land her for good someday, after all no other man will love her foul mouth the way I do.

Greatings lads and lasses, I am Captain Jose Monkamuck. I may not be the brightest box in the crayon, but I'm wise soul underneath. I shall attempted to share with you my recent experiences in the wide world.

It all began when I was hanging out at the arena providing a spot of healing for those gladiators silly enough to actually get injured, when I met two new comers. One was rather stuff individual going by the name of "The Brutard" who had decided to retire from adventuring to pursue a career in the Arena. Frankly the candy as*ed tighwad will be luck to last a week, but his friend was a decent sort.

Owen Da Fighter is a competent, if not especially impressive individual and part of an adventuring party. Of course any retirement in an adventuring party is also an opening for new memebers. As I was bored out of my skull just sitting around the arena healing people, I leapt at the new opportunity.

Shortly there after I was introduced to Livinia Vanderboern. A suprisingly tough young noble lady. Frankly spoils the whole image of the nobility being pansy a$$es. Still I doubt most of her extended relatives could find their backside with a map and navigator. Then I was introduced to the rest of the adventuring crew.

Sir Ineptus is a big brawny type, and like most you could probably fit his brain in thimble. I will admit that the boy can beat face pretty well, too bad that's about all he's good for. Apparently he's also got a thing for REALLY older ladies. At least the lad has enough sense to worship a strong diety like Kord.

Lady Tightbutt may not be her real name, but it's what the crew has come to call her. An elven mage, who recently took up the vows of some silly a$$ed god named apollo. Not sure who he is but he somes to be one of the lovely dovey healer types. BAH. As mage she may be fragile, but I'd be rather respectful of the power she is packing. She also happens to be the older lady that sir Ineptus is into, much to her distaste. Unlike her taste in gods, her taste in men is rather good, so poor sir Ineptus will not have much of a chance. Although frankly the only approach that will likely ever for him on any woman is the good old "cash in hand".

Owen Da Fighter is, surprise surprise, a fighter. He tends to weild a variety of weapons to suite the situation, and is pretty competent. Although from what I've heard he can also be very inaccurate, but i've yet to see it. Something of a glass jaw sorry to say. Still he is a follower of Kord, so that says something for him.

Rounding out our party is a druid. A fairly comely lass, although usually far too furry for my taste. I didn't catch her name at the time, and haven't had a chance since. She spent most of the time on the ship either in her cabin, or trying to stand the worst case of sea sickness I've ever heard of. Her retching could be heard for miles, actually managed to frighten away the sea gulls.

As for myself I spent several years training to beat things to death with my bear hands before I entered the temple of Kord for training. Ah Kord. The only worthwhile god for adventurers. After all every fight is a form of worship. In his name I shall beat, pummel, gouge, spit, and cheap shot with glee and abandon all who draw my wrath. Go ahead, mock my god, you look like you could with a good a$$ whooping.