Big Mammy Grillz's page

Wwe got cut down ma'! oh, and I got laid off...seriously :D

Aww that's too bad Froggie. I knowed you liked workin' for Mr. McGee. If it's any comfort I heered you aint the only one!

Ain't THAT the truth!

Anyone catch that thar earthquake?

*HAAAAWK*

*PTUI*

<clang>

Froggie yew alright son? I swear I ain't felt something like that since Big Pappy took me to the State Fair to ride the rollie coaster back in '01.

Naow naow he's jest singin' in the washtub. It's kinda cute. I jest wish he wouldn't sing in that thar hippeh Ess-Span-yowl language. People will think he weren't raised proper!

*HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWK*

*SPLOOT*

<clang>

Froggie yew getcher green behind into this trailer THIS INSTANT! How many times I tol' yew that the spitoon ain't no good pond fer lil' froggies to splash around in!

sighs

Naow jest look at yew. All slicked up with chaw. I guess it's the washtub and some-a Lamashtu's patented lye soap cakes for yew young frog!

Tosses the small bottle away.

Man all that durn thing did is turn me into a blue-skinned freak. It's false advertisin' !

you wants fire lady? I gots fire; in spades baby; just rub this little bottle here and say; I wish I had some fire to light my cigarette.

OOOOH 'Freeti you can light my fire any-old time!

Bats her green-mascaraed cow eyes at Valegrim. Takes the little bottle and rubs it vigorusly.

I wish I had ... A new 'Freeti husband!

If'n yew don't find yerself a country cuzin' what to betroth her to, I gots plenty of fine strapping nephews. That is if'n yew don't mind marrying outta yer immediate family a-course.

**SLURP**

Froggy! Yew gotta light for yer momma's ceegar?

congratulations there Lichy!. Yew got a cuzin' kin marry her yet?

That thar Pacer over yonder on the blocks is just a-waiting on'er distributor an' she'll be a honey! Yew watch.

**SLURP**

Thanks Froggy, yew wuz allus such a good boy. Not like yer no account pappy.

I don' even wanna look too close at what's buzzin' 'round that thar head diaper nohow.

Diaper Dan is prolly one-a those bullywug lickin' hippehs. Allus staggerin' roun' the bayou gigglin'. Durn hippehs.

**SLURRRP**

Froggy! Go get yer ma another PBR heah?

'bout as high as a bullywug's eye it is

**SLURP**

**BRRRAAAP**

**SLURP**

Yew make sure yew pick up his leavins Froggie if'n yew wanna keep that mutt

**SLURP** Well, 'Freeti kinda made this here PBR with his magical thingamabob powers, so I'm guessin' that counts right?

**SLURRRP**

Thanks for the refill 'Freeti!

Ayup

Ayup

**PTUI**

<clang>

Big Mammy gasps at her transformation into a comely wench. She runs inside to her cracked mirror.

"Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the ugliest one of all?"

Hoists her magically refilled plastic mug of PBR

Thanks Freeti!

bats her green-mascaraed bloodshot eyes at the red elemental noble.

Hey, after you're done eatin' 'im, can I have some part o' 'im? I don' wanna hav ta cast True Resurrection.

How 'bout a steak?

Someone toss a Koburger over to Esmerelda. Make it plain, don't want that hippeh kewbowld comin' back all covered in cheese an' special sauce.

Reckin' so

Looks Cousin Joe over, smacking her blubbery lips.

Looks like the main course is here boys! Fire up that BBQ an' get out the dry rub!

You guys is gonna pay for eatin' mah cuz.

Points at the scaly critter

FROGGY! There goes dessert!

Hold on Froggyboy, jes' gotta use my kewbowld call to lure the critter into choppin' range.

pulls a weird-looking whistle from her ample cleavage

Lemme give 'er a go.

Blows on the whistle

EXPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSIVE RUNES!

Froggy get that thar cleaver and dress that kewbowld up proper for grilling. Don't forget to take out the musk sac right under his liver, it'll taint the meat if'n you leave it in when you disembowel him.

Looks over at the sleeping hound on the porch

An' toss the offal an' sweetbreads over to the dog.

spits tobacco juice over the rail, then sips at her PBR mug.

Someone put that kewbowld in a dungeon? Why waste the space? We gots a BBQ all fired up an' we're jest runnin' out of chang-go-tay. Roof chickens, why don't y'all bring that there kewbowld here an' we'll cook him up proper with some Hotter Than Hell sauce.

Hey Froggy? You know the tune "My Fat Baby Loves to Eat?"

Sniffs

That song always reminds me of Big Pappy Grillz

Ayup

Shakes her massive head

"What in tarnation is goin' on with me? Am I havin' onea those cardy-ack arrests or somethin'?"

Hoists Sarajuana in the general direction of the large dancing monkey

"I had me 'bout enuffa dancin' carpet-bagging Damnyankee monkeys singin' goldarned hippeh music on my lawn."

************************BOOM***********************

Looks up, face covered in turkey bits and gravy

Reckin' so

Big Mammy looks around at the dozens of liquor bottles that appear on the porch, and smiles a gap-toothed grin.

Now that's what I calls a useful party trick 'Freeti! Happy Thanksgivin! We gots that Cajun' chef feller cookin' in the kitchen, pull up a stump and set awhile!

Grabs a Seagrams Seven bottle from the pile and takes a healthy swallow

Ahh .. Them canucks make some nice cornsqueezins, ayup.

Bertha-Lou you leave my little Froggyboy alone! He's an innocent an' there's plenty of liches on this here porch for yew to go chasin' after.

grumbles as she sips her PBR and squirts more brownish liquid over the rail.

Damn girl needs to reign herself in. Makin' a pure-D spectacle of herself.

Pulls what looks like an old tree branch from her ratty hairdo. Points it at Butterfrog and chants in a croaking voice. Butterfrog's legs regrow.

There yew go Froggyboy, now no more self mutilation, hear?

Boston, New York, what's the difference there all a bunch of Yankees, some are just ruder than others.

Yew tellim Ghidorah, durn buncha chang-go-tay carpetbaggers.

Looks over at the turbaned man.

What in tarnation happened to yer other two faces Ghidorah? That there rag on yer noggin' a bandage or a diaper? Looks like its time yew had yerself a bath too, hate to say it but yew got some big ol' flies twirling round them thar dirty linens on yer squash.

Scratches herself absently in a less-than-kosher spot

Don't need more vermin around here what with alla chang-go-tays, kewbowlds and Yankees been showing up lately.

Grabs some chaw

Mighty fine! Mint Skoal, nothing quite like store bought chaw. Thankee there Crazy Eye.

Places a large pinch into her blubbery lip and squirts a brownish stream of liquid over the splintery porch rail.

Ayup.

Aims Sarajuana at the pyromaniac monkey

****************BOOOOM!****************

The smelly primate hoots and runs for the trees.

One-a these days I'm gonna get that there chang-go-tay. He looks like fine eatens. Froggy! Yew got some monkeybane shells in your back pocket?

Mammy; my assistant would like me to offer you our special 'covey' discount on burning three witches and/or warlocks at the stake in one go, with regard to the accused Kobold Cleaver, Mrs. Lichman, and Sebastian's Mother. The sole legal requirement, given that one of them has been seen trying to hex another, is for you, as hostess, to agree that they are all guilty, and we can proceed to the burning stage. If as hostess you prefer to avoid such a fine spectacle as a multiple witch/warlock burning some of them shoot green sparks out of their ears as the flames take hold (or the screaming of terrifying imprecations such as 'may you be plagued with the latest Windows update'), we can either carry it out discreetly on another thread, or leave them be.

We have no problem accepting payment in Confederate currency.

Rummages in old tin can

I gots round about $400,000 in bills, mostly $500 brownbacks.

removes fat wad of faded brown notes from rusty can

I don't cotton to witches, no sir, I's a member of the Pentecostal Church of Pelor, Crystalmist synod.

Really?

Hey lookie! We got us some roof rabbit fer the grill!

Aims Sarajuana at the feline

*****BOOOM*****

Thar goes the chang-go-tay Froggy! Gettim!

Aims Sarajuana at the smelly primate

*******BOOOOOOOM!!!*******

Did you fart? Because you just blew me away

Sorry there, had some spicy chang-go-tay BBQ

waves doughy hands around by her midsection. Her arm fat sways and jiggles in time with the movement.

Aww he's jest a lil' cute monkey. He don't mean no one no harm nohow. Let him do his monkey dance.

Thankee lil' lizard boy. I needed that.

slurps freshened PBR

Ahm kinda hongry too. Froggy! Yew ever finish carvin' up that thar chan-go-tay? Mr. Aberzombie wants some Bigfoot brisket.

I caint chip in fer the beer, alls I got left in the cookie jar is some old Confederate bills my Granpappy lef' me. Yew cain try to trade somea my pickled turnips at the general store.

Points to a table laden with Mason jars containing purple roots in a cloudy liquid.

Slurps her PBR

Bertha Lou yew still lich-crazy even in yer maturity. Try to have some dignity girl!

Hawks and spits a gob of phlegm off porch

Who stole my corn likker jug?

Ah pure-d love this time o'year ..ayup.

Slurps PBR

My gramma Siobhan was a Night Hag from the old country. She used to love Halloween an' all the treats she'd get marching right up to her door.

Sniffs

I miss that old witch.

Ah reckon it's purt near 30 degrees where that durn chang-go-tay lives up in Yankeeland. Mighty fine heerabouts anyhow. Thanks fer the fillup Froggy

Slurps PBR from big plastic mug

Comes back from the outhouse, hiking up her voluminous muumuu.

What in tarnation' is goin' on round heer? Vermin', robots, poodles ... what's this heer porch comin' to? Froggy, go fetch yer Mammy a nice cold PBR!

Waves her novelty mug in Butterfrog's direction

Big Mammy looks down at the puppy-eyed frog

Aww fer land's sake. G'wan, but yew gotta reseed the Caintucky bluegrass and pick up all thet poodle poop! And thet thar poodle gets sliced today, heah!

Points to the offending items dragging behind the small dog.

Froggy yew don' want no poodle hangin' round heah. Next thing yew know he'll invite his pals over an' then they'll start plotting.

Shakes her massive jowled head

Worse than hippehs I tell yah.

Someone take thet manicured rat for a walk or somethin'. Bad enuff the lawn looks like Aberzombie's hair, thet thar barkin' poop machine gonna kill the rest of the Caintucky blue grass!

Fires another blast of buckshot at the fleeing simian

*********************BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!************************

Big mammy whirls suddenly around at the sound of primate snickering.

"Thars thet tasty chang-go-tay!"

fires off Sarajuana in the smelly ape's general direction

**************************BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*********************