Berbanna's page

So, I had a talk with the person I'm living with today (let's call them Sam), and I got some answers. And we're basically over as a "couple". I don't think it's really sunk in for me yet, it's like a chaotic mishmash of feelings that are on the other side of a really thick drape. Maybe it's because of my medicine, maybe it's just because it's so big.

- Sam's mad at me for the stupidity of the actions that landed me in prison.
- As long as we're viewed as a couple, Sam thinks they're going to be held responsible for my actions by others. They think it's unfair that they have to deal with that mental burden.
- They still have romantic feelings for me, but don't want to.
- Sam wants us to move apart, and think that moving apart would make it easier to spend time together as they aren't as worried about us being seen as a couple.
- They still care for me a lot, and really don't want me to get hurt.

There's other things too but those are the main things and they're very understandable. I guess I saw this coming, as it's largely the same things they've been kinda half-saying when we talked about it earlier, but now I'm just going to have to accept it. Stating it here is part of that, because now I can go back and look at it when I start fruitlessly consider "what ifs". Hope can be a really destructive feeling sometimes.

I just really don't know what to do now. It's not hit me emotionally yet, not full-on at least, but I know it will and don't really know how to prepare for it. It's kinda bad timing too as my parents are abroad, and their support has always been helpful otherwise. I could call my sister, but I don't want to worry her as she has a lot on her plate right now and she'd just feel guilty and ashamed for not being able to help. I should try to get to meet someone on saturday to play some board game or something, but I fear if I make plans now I'll flake when the emotions have hit me, or I'll try to go but then have a shutdown when meeting people I don't know, or at the very least be weird enough (soial anxiety + autism + adhd yaaay) to freak them out.

That said, I'll take the chance now before I sink deeper and try to view things from at least a not-negative side. It's been a very good relationship in most ways and we've both grown immensely from it. Sam's helped me become a much more conscientious person, and I've helped them become a much more self-loving person. Sam's taught me a lot of things and gotten me to broaden my perspective in loads of ways, and I was part of introducing them to gaming as a hobby. We've both honed our analyses of the world, sharing the same base assumptions and discussing and nuancing views between us.

Hi again, and thanks for all the supportive comments. It really did help to vent. And yeah, my partner is probably at least to some part depressed; we've both fought depression time and again.

I want to say that when I wrote the post I had a worse-than-average bad day. A few days have been worse, but most days are better, to the point where I can distract myself and function somewhat.

Thanks a lot for the responses. Just knowing that someone read means a lot. I'll check PM later, right now I need to rest.

Just had to clarify, in regards to suicide, that I'm not at all suicidal. I've been there before a few times and I know my signs and am watchful. Thanks for the thought though.

Hi all. Sorry for the upcoming wall of text and me being a whiny emotional drain. I just feel kinda desperate and don't know where to turn; it was this or reddit. I used to have an account here several years ago, and this thread has stayed with me in my mind. Sorry also for being fuzzy on details, it's a combination of wanting to not out myself or others and also because it's a heavy thing to talk about.

So, as I said I'm getting kinda desperate, as I'm pretty far down. I have a partner since many years, and they're kind of my whole life, together with my birth family. I have no friends; due to my neurotype I'm not good with people, and most friends I've had have moved on for various reasons and we've kinda lost contact. I've been part of gaming groups of course, but I rarely get to know them personally.

Me and my partner moved in together a long time ago. The past year though, I've been in a prison. It was a low-security prison, and we could talk a lot on the phone and they visited me several times, but it was obviously a strain on the relationship.

Now I've been home for a few months; I'm still serving time, but in a house arrest/parole setup. But my relationship with my partner is bad. I don't even know if we're partners anymore; it's not like we ever officially started being partners, we just kinda grew together because we were in love and living together and we fit well together in many ways. Maybe they're not in love anymore and we've grown apart and I'm still in denial. I've never met anyone I can relate to as well, and I know at least before that my partner had a similar experience. We've both had bad relationships, but this has been an altogether good, so far. We've had heavy times, of course; two queer, disabled people are unlikely not have those, but so far we've helped each other and worked through them.

Now, we haven't slept in the same bed for over a year, I can't remember last time they said they love me, and I think they've only initiated a hug once since I got home, and the past month we've barely see each other anymore. They've got a very professional life, and what spare time they have is usually put into social activities; game clubs, their RPG group, et cetera. When they're finally home, they're irritable and just want to sleep.

I knew things weren't going to be the same as before, at least not for the foreseeable future, but our relationship has honestly gotten worse since I got home and I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to them about it, but we see each other so rarely and when we do they're so often too tired to do anything, so when I actually get time to hang out with them I feel like I gotta take the chance.

Last time we had a more serious talk about us was maybe a week or so before I got home, when we talked about worries. I know they're ashamed of me, and worry that their friends will know my background and think worse of my partner for it. I know they've thought about us moving apart because of this, but stay partners/friends/whatever we are. That if we live apart, it'll be easier to spend time without the shame thing. And when I asked, they said they still have feelings for me. At the end of the talk, I felt kinda hopeful; we'd agreed not to do anything until after parole had ended, to talk to each other more, and that we would see relationship counceling. I'm still hunting for some relationship therapeut that can deal with queer people without making a big fuzz about it.

I get why they'd want to move apart but I feel like if we do, they'll just not have time for me at all. I'm not funny or interesting or whatever, especially not alone. The good qualities I have, the thing I feel I add to the relationship, is that I'm caring, supportive, and at least previously, they've enjoyed essentially doing nothing with me. I feel if we live apart, I can't do much.

At this point of rambling, I don't even remember what I've written, so I guess I'll have to stop soon. Right now, I just feel sad, I guess. I feel like I want to ask them if they have any romantic feelings for me left at all, but I'm afraid of the answer. I guess I should accept that it's over and grieve, but I don't know for sure and I guess in a way I just don't want to know because I don't know if I could handle it. I don't know where I'd go mentally if they left me, it's unbearable to even think about.

I'm sorry for whining, I just didn't know where to go. I know I brought this on myself and I don't blame anyone else; it's more self-hate and shame than self-pity. I can't talk with my biological family as it'd feel like backtalking my partner since they know each other so well by now. I have no friends or real social circle. I just feel so lonely. And I want to just go to sleep and never wake up. Not suicidal or anything, just sleep forever.