Anthony Adam's page

Hey all, just a quick pop in - I am travelling today to Birmingham for the games expo at the NEC. If you stop by Leisure Games / Locworks and see a crinkly old fella, bit like an off duty Santa, wearing a tan sweatshirt emblazoned with "I Am The Doctor" ( sad, but i thought it might stand out ;) ), do feel free to say hello.

I will be around those booths all day Saturday and Sunday morning. So I will be absent from the boards this weekend, so behave yourselves now :P

he he, Jacob asked the question I expected which is why I said thatthe target becomes the controller of the effect in my subsequent post - I had already caught that one myself (go me, grin).

Yes, the intent was a kind of "emergency protection" - dang the wizard has problems, send to the wizard, wizard spots the priest in trouble and his problem is now sorted, so sends it to the priest.

Yes, I agree on the times, I was looking at that, I'm trying to juggle the "not too long but long enough for a couple of bounces" idea in my head.

For those following along - what I hadn't taken into account though was initiative order, with the right/lucky order of allies and enemies, this could jump a number of times per round (each recipient sending it to the next person on their turn). So I can probably drop it to 4 rounds or thereabouts :)

I was already toying with a one hour recharge. I would like it to be available more than once a day though, so still thinking about that one. Again, like pricing, this is one where you can scan other items in the price range and compare.

The other option I was toying with was doing away with the recharge altogether and making it a once per encounter item. I may still do this... if I can come up with a nice visual for it... hmm, this is a fun item.

@Curaigh, I was toying with the leaves edges producing a 5 foot aura around the recipient where attackers would take 1 damage if you end your turn in the aura - but I was also wary of both word count and the Swiss Army Knife tendency I am so often guilty of.

Yeah, I did wonder if you would say SiAC, I was very conscious that this was very close to that line.

Are there any lurkers out there wanting to comment on the Pricing write up? Did it help at all with your pricing methods? Anyone got any other pricing tips to share? It's a subject that often comes up, so here is a good place to ask and practice this art (hint hint - and if that isn't obvious enough - MOAR posts please :P)

Ok, to save on some people's feedback, I have already spotted an obvious flaw in this first draft - I have decided I really don't like the term "deemed the wearer" - it raises questions like "what if I already wear a cloak". That's gotta go.

I think in the rewrite, this will become "the target ally now commands the vortex should they wish to pass it on" (or something to that effect - I think it highlights the difference though).

It is the effect that is being passed along and not the cloak. This means I don't then need to say "originating cloak" as the cloak is no longer leaping, just the effect is.

"encircling the wearer with.." - with should be in, but likely to be fully reworded in the rewrite to make it less wordy :)

Ok, first draft, 310 words, so a little long but not quite as bad as some of my more monolithic attempts of yesteryear.

I think this length is purely due to my concentrating on cinematic/visual flair in my description, but I think I am getting closer to the necessary style now.

Feedback will tell, I am sure, and I can save a lot of words on a rewrite to trim the description down some. Yeah, I think this is one of my better efforts :)

Imperial Winds Cloak
Aura faint evocation and illusion; CL 3rd
Slot shoulders; Price 7,500 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This deep crimson velvet cloak is emblazoned with a motif of an Imperial Dragon. The scales of the dragon are formed of pressed autumn fall leaves in varieties of crimsons, yellows and golden hues interwoven with a silk threading that gives the impression of the dragon being caught in a swirling wind.

Activating the cloak causes the motif to separate into a localized vortex of wind and leaves, swirling around the wearer in a sinuous manner, encircling the wearer with its protective embrace. This does not hamper the wearer in any way, but the distraction and buffeting effect grants the wearer with a +2 deflection bonus to AC against melee and ranged attacks and also to any spell that requires an attack roll against the wearer. This lasts for 10 rounds, and cannot be activated again for 10 minutes after any use.

The benefit can be granted to any ally in line of sight and within 30 feet, as a standard action, by commanding the item to leap to the nominated ally. This does not provoke attacks of opportunity and cannot be intercepted. The targeted ally is deemed the wearer of the item until such time as the duration expires or they command the protection to leap to another.

At the end of the duration or on cancellation by the current wearer, the leaves leap back onto the originating cloak, reforming into a sleeping imperial dragon. The motif reverts to its original design after 10 minutes have passed.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, blur, gust of wind; Cost 3,750 gp

Pricing by the book for those wanting examples on pricing...

deflection bonus is bonus squared x 2,000 gp = so that's 4 x 2,000 = 8,000

This cost easily accounts for the blur spell effect being used to provide explanation of the bonus, so I wont add anything for that spell.

Now I ought to add an amount for the leaping ability, art/gut feel says about another 2,000 should cover that. Alternately, I could calculate the cost of the gust of wind spell, but this time, my gut feel won me over.

Now there is a recharge period, so we can reduce this, gut feel is by about a quarter - it's not a charges per day thing, so for me, i think a quarter is about right

So the price is now 7,500

Ok, now for more of the "art of pricing", I'm actually quite happy with this price at the moment, but I want to compare to items with like effects, so lets see what we can find...

Bracers of Armor + 1 is listed at 1,000 - which is continuous, but cant be shared, so yes, I need to be more than this...
Amulet of Natural Armor +1, listed at 2,000 - same arguments apply still, so I need to be more than this...
Bracers of Armor + 2 is listed at 4,000 - now this is of similar power level but cant be shared, it could be argued that the continuous of the bracers is of the order of the sharing aspect of this item, so let's look a little further...
Amulet of Natural Armor +2 is 8,000. Sits quite well here, doesn't contend with the amulet and price wise compares favorably with other items in the 7,000 to 9,000 range.
Now we have moved beyond the calculated price, and the items beyond this start to be much more powerful than this item, so this is a good point to stop and have a last assessment.

So my gut feel is that continuous use versus the sharing ability is that the are of the same sort of power order in this case. I think my item sitting in the same space as the +2 amulet is about right and needs to be above the bracers as my item has more utility for every class and the party as a whole, so in this instance, the price of 7,500 seems justified.

Now having typed all this, I am sure others might make other suggestions, but for a first draft, I am happy enough to post away.

Enjoy.

Okay, I'm finally caught up. Maybe I'll have time to come up with an item before too long.

Thanks Ronars and welcome back.

Yeah, I know my descriptions have been more dangerous this time around, I am trying to practice evocative description rather than my way too functional descriptions. I kind of expect to be a bit off until I settle to a more cinematic style that I am comfortable with.

This means this sort of feedback is very valuable right now, so thanks again.

Anthony, you are describing an Imperial Dragon from Pathfinder RPG Bestiary 3. ;)

Super! he he, a new pdf now downloading :P

Interesting question for you all to think about.

Can you refer to a real world parallel when describing what something looks like?

An example

I am working on a cloak idea formed of the webbing of autumn leaves, full of reds and golds. The effect of the item is the leaves form a column of swirling wind AND leaves spiraling around and around the wearer in an effect not dissimilar than would be if a small chinese dragon was curling around and around, up and over and down and around continually circling the wearer.

Would you find referring to a Chinese dragon a bad thing to do as I haven't really found an equivalent in the pathfinder books I own to use in it's place?

Oh, in case you are wondering, the effect provides a distraction / deflection type of defense bonus but the superstar bit of my thinking was that you can command it to leap from your body to an ally within 30 feet, who then benefits instead - and they can on their turn command it to move on again, effectively providing a moving bouncing swirling defense bonus that is both a personal item and a party boon.

chrrrrrp chrrrrrrrp

thumbleweed rolls by

silence

chrrrrrp chrrrrrrrp

(ok, I'll post something soon then).

Kajehase wrote:

Well, the Osirians have kilts...

"Och, laddie! We need to be gettin' this pyramid built right quick, or the Pharaoh will have our 'eads fer sure. Hitch up yer, kilt, now. There'll be no haggis 'til she's done, or my name's not Angus McSekhmet."

I'd never ask a scottish person to hitch their kilt up, that's the kind of perception check I would rather avoid if that's all the same... :D

Or even, the Pathfinder cook book!

It would be an interesting issue indeed that collects all the gaming nibbles that we present to our gaming friends...

I would probably post my chocolate malteaser (US malt balls?) rocky road no bake cheesecake - it is truly death by chocolate overload!

Sorry I've been tardy! Started a new job and I've been busy busy busy!

...

Doves Kiss
I was kind of bored by the poetic/backstory first line :/

That is still very useful feedback - I will admit that I really struggled to describe a silk hanky in an exciting manner without going to the filigree equivalent of embroidery and gold thread and the like.

The reason this is good feedback is it tells me I am still not being cinematic enough! If I can't excite, I won't win votes, so I need to try harder.

With apologies to Disney, and everyone who starts singing like a parrot...

Oh I come from a land, from a Golarion place
Where the caravan camels roam
Where it's flat and immense
And the heat is intense
It's barbaric, but hey, it's home

When the wind's from the east
And the sun's from the west
And the sand in the glass is right
Come on down
Stop on by
Hop a carpet and fly
To another Osirion night

Osirion nights
Like Osirion days
More often than not
Are hotter than hot
In a lot of good ways

Osirion nights
'Neath Osirion moons
A fool off his guard
Could fall and fall hard
Out there on the dunes

For book published items I'm more forgiving but when voting I'm personally quite brutal. I want the item to be awesome and clean of lingering questions and potential for abuse. Obviously I haven't quite got the hang of it myself yet but that's why we are here.

Since this thread is all about writing feedback I'm going to ask folks to evaluate what they think of this or any of the series. I figure some of the templates I put together might be good monster practice in another thread if there's interest.

I haven't forgotten you, just been very very busy today. I will have alook this weekend and get back to you with my thoughts.

As a quick thought, I don't think anyone would object to you posting a non item practice here.

I am currently toying with an oracle/wizard archetype idea I have percolating away - they are really hard to do because there is so little to swap out, but I have a Baldric Cunning plan if it works out...

Now that's an old school Dr Who end of episode teaser if ever there was one.

Heh heh, I thought I had caught most of the intercepts with

"If intercepted in any way, by beast or humanoid, it immediately reverts to a silk handkerchief and any message is lost."

So yes, your bird of prey could catch the dove, but on catching, all it would have in its talons would be a silk hanky.

I probably would have blown word count up by trying to think of all those things, one of my weaknesses is over-thinking, so I am really forcing myself to trim down on words especially after seeing all those "anti 300 word item public voting comments".

In answer to your other items - I would say the GM could competently call most of those, but for me

a) wrong name - goes to the named person, the dove doesn't know any different.

b) bird of prey / intercept - see above,

c) a dove coo is about the same volume as normal spoken word, again I left that to GM call.

d) land on a punching hand, for me, the hand swing is too fast for the bird to alight upon, so I would say no, but a competent GM would probably call that too - this was part of the litmus of this item - trying to guage what you need to cover and what you can expect of the GM... very tricky to balance that one indeed.

e) wizard casting spells, again, hand waving and gestures for me are probably not that stationary, so the GM in me says no, it wouldn't land on a waggling hand during a spell cast for much the same reasoning as the punch above.

So there we go fellow lurkers - a new thing to consider - how much do you need to spell out and how much can be relied upon for the player and GM interpretation? Any designer rule of thumbs on this that anyone would like to share?

Another hard drive recovered item... prepare to be amazed at the word count Curaigh!

Ready?

190 WORDS

Old School Superstar qualifying! :P

I didnt submit this in the recent season, it's too "spell in a can", but I loved the visuals aspect. Enjoy.

Doves Kiss
Aura faint transmutation; CL 1st
Slot none; Price 500 gp; Weight —
Description

The blazing white dove landed upon my outstretched hand and sang his song, I heard the message within. With just a flick of my wrist, the evidence of the dove was then gone.

Speaking a name and a single sentence message into this silk white handkerchief causes it to fold itself into a dove which takes wing immediately. The dove will fly, for up to 24 hours, unerringly towards the individual named, hovering before them, and waiting to land upon their hand. Upon doing so, it sings the message in a trilling sing-song, the words relayed in the recipient’s native language. It then crumples down into a plain silk handkerchief.

If intercepted in any way, by beast or humanoid, it immediately reverts to a silk handkerchief and any message is lost.

After reverting to silk handkerchief form, it is reusable after 24 hours have passed.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, message; Cost 250 gp

OK, I'll throw in this item, which I created for a specific campaign and character. It's definitely not got broad appeal, but I think if you were playing a blood god disciple, this is definitely something you would want. (You could also probably use the basic concept to add in some other summoner/eidolon-based effects if you weren't playing that archetype.)

As is, it also definitely treads on the ick factor that was a problem this year, but considering it's based on the blood god disciple archetype, I think it doesn't go too overboard. Enough that I wouldn't submit it for Superstar, but not so much that I couldn't maybe see it in a published piece.

My favorite part, I think, is that it's based on a 0-level spell.

Blood god wine
Aura faint universal; CL 1st
Slot none; Price 750 gp; Weight 1/2 lb.
Description
This bottle's contents, deeper crimson than most red wines, pour viscously from the spout, almost the consistency of blood.

Anyone who drinks a glass of blood god wine manifests the creator's personal mark as a glowing red rune on his forehead for 24 hours. During this time, a blood god disciple may grant the drinker an evolution via his bloody gift ability at a range of 60 feet, instead of having to touch him. This still requires a standard action.

Each bottle holds five glasses of blood god wine.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, arcane mark; Cost 375 gp

I love that this is a touch turned into a non touch because you are marked effect.

I don't think you went too far with the blood, but that said, you could have removed blood references altogether something along the lines of...

a) remove blood from the name, call it Deities Caress/Essence or something like that. Remove the consistency from the description lead in - describe the wine as deep and rich with a faint metallic aftertaste and smell (referring to the smell of blood, and a high iron content without actually using the term)
b) Make it apply to any deity that can grant boons/evolutions/gifts via touch
c) A normal wine bottle holds 6 glasses not 5 ( unless you have a glass like the wife's that holds like half the bottle :P )

That's a quick few thoughts. Hope there's something of use there.

Anthony Adam wrote:

Hey all

Superstar the Card Game

If that works, it should give you access to a pdf showing my progress on the Superstar card game idea I came up with.

This initial release contains the base rules, the voter tokens, the game board (two pieces) and a few cards from the General Design and Wondrous Item Design decks.

I'm trying to avoid "in-jokes" and make the cards useful not only as a game but as a design flash card system too.

Any and all feedback gratefully received.

Cheers all.

Adam, I think you are wasting your time.

I mean that in the best possible way.
As in: get rid of the RPGSS-tie, find some other element (poetry-writing, dragon-slaying, stock market investing, patent/inventor, airship pilots, etc.) and put this game out on its own. I have no clue how to publish a card game, but since its not CCG I think you just need to broaden its appeal & pitch this to the right people. :)

(as for actual critique: auto-rejects seem pretty hefty, they need to be very rare in the deck).

I am actually finding it very useful to do and it's a fun diversion through the last six years of posts to find the card inspirations, and is making me look at making notes on rounds 2 on-wards which I haven't really done thoroughly before, so I should learn loads more while doing this.

Auto Rejects in the initial cut should be about 5% of the total cards or less. Plus, if there are say 10 auto rejects in a deck, there will be 7 or 8 cards that can remove them, so if all cards are played, there are likely to be only 2 auto rejects left in play from the 150(ish) card deck. I'm sure there will be balance tweaking once the complete deck is worked up for play-ability testing :)

As a tangent, how about an organisational type of issue - maybe targetting the Pathfinders themselves (guess who just got a complete Sherlock Holmes novels boxed set! :P)

You could have an article about the founding of a new remote waystation, the inner politics of the founding site, investigative tools that only a Pathfinder would have access to, famous cases/reports, famous and infamous NPCs who rose through the ranks, mini mission one shots to drop in on your party, and so on.

Might be nice to revisit some of those old 3.5 releases and use them as a basis for bringing them up to current by way of the community possibly?

Wacky ideas I know, but sometimes they just sort of pop into my brain for no apparent reason.

Well done! Interesting game...how do we play it on the boards!

Hmmm, interesting thought - if I fill in more detail on the card lists, once done, you could track who has what cards in a play and current votes in a play by post sort of thing.

If that is what Anthony meant by "death save", then yes, I agree with what he said.

Yes, lunchtime rush typing and brain not fully in gear ended up typing saves instead of effects. That is exactly what I was trying to say :)

Hey all

Superstar the Card Game

If that works, it should give you access to a pdf showing my progress on the Superstar card game idea I came up with.

This initial release contains the base rules, the voter tokens, the game board (two pieces) and a few cards from the General Design and Wondrous Item Design decks.

I'm trying to avoid "in-jokes" and make the cards useful not only as a game but as a design flash card system too.

Any and all feedback gratefully received.

Cheers all.

I'd be interested to hear everyone's thoughts on that...how do we decide if it is a niche space or if it is an unwanted space?

I personally went niche this year and fell because of it - my item was playing with a single class ability and restricting items to a class was a definite public no no it seems. I won't be designing such items for the competition again based on that experience.

For me, I think my target for open voting next year will be

a) Cinematic/Dynamic eye-catching oooh factor, with a nice name - nothing like a high target for me :P
b) high utility of the item, (in terms of how often it could be used in encounters)
c) All classes generic use (i.e. not a single class benefit item)
d) Core rules only (for me core are the core rules book, advanced players and races and the two ultimates but excluding the optional things like hero points, vigor, etc - keeping to the basic core of the game).

That's my intention, but with the release of mythic adventures in August, I may be looking to get mythical possibly - just not sure if that will be core to the voting public or not yet.

There may be other things released that change my plan, but that's my current thoughts.

Just a quick chip in on your Spinestick, Curaigh

"Whenever a failed d20 roll results in the death of the user..."

It is a subtle change that may exclude the odd situation but I think you can simply say... using a time honored traditional phrase..

Failing a death save allows the spending of...

"Failing a death save" - 4 words, your current wording is a few more :P - oh yeah, go me, getting the hang of this word trimming now.

This has niggled me all morning - I think death save is the way to go as I am sure you don't really mean...

"Climbing the rock face, you are almost at the top, critically fails last climb roll on his d20" - did you mean a failed save, or all skill checks too?

Also, I attack the goblin on 1 hit point, I miss (failed d20 attack?), goblin kills me with a magic missile (yeah, that close) - So I am effectively killed because I missed with the d20 attack? It's a stretch, but I do know players who will try that far :P

The other cool thing about tying to death saves, is that you don't actually die necessarily on that roll, you are just dying... so it could also allow a re-roll on each death save rather than just the one that kills you.

Just a quick chip in on your Spinestick, Curaigh

"Whenever a failed d20 roll results in the death of the user..."

It is a subtle change that may exclude the odd situation but I think you can simply say... using a time honored traditional phrase..

Failing a death save allows the spending of...

"Failing a death save" - 4 words, your current wording is a few more :P - oh yeah, go me, getting the hang of this word trimming now.

An archetype is an alternate variation of a class. In order to choose archetype abilities, you must have levels in that archetype, most if not all abilities say something like "starting at 3rd level, the archetype name gains the ability to...".

So don't think of archetype as a pick list - that is not what they are. If you want the 5th level ability from an archetype, then your ranger needs to gain 5 levels in that archetype to pick it.

So if you want to play for example, the Dalek Stomping Barbarian Rager and gain auto confirm critical threats against pepper pot shaped creatures, then you have to play that as your class in place of straight Barbarian, or as a multiclass - e.g. A 5th level character with 2nd level barbarian, 3rd level Dalek Stomper.

Archetype = alternate class, specialized, but alternate just the same. Treat them as class choices, not pick lists.

They are basically "flavors" of a class.

Now that said

There is nothing to stop you as a GM with having a house rule that class x in your campaigns have ability a at 1st level from base, b at 3rd level from archetype y, c at 5th level from archetype z, and do on. It's your game as GM after all.

I found the seppuku reference disjointed too. It jarred with legendary samurai - samurai in disgrace or dishonored would commit seppuku, so it would seem unlikely that flowers would grow on their graves.

It also suffers from one of the same issues I hit this year with my item, that being the general voting public seem to dislike single class items with some vehemence.

Some other things you might want to think about - a flower is a plant, so it would like be affected by plant affecting spells?

I found the spell list quite long in the construction and had to really work through them to see how they contributed to the affect - for one, I think you could drop the true strike.

Bless made sense for the saving throws, but I think as a blanket all saving throws, I would make it no more than +2, +4 is more a targeted saving throw bonus for me. As the price of the item is quite low, a +4 to all saves which equates to around an 8 character levels boost in saves is too much at this price level.

Keen edge explains the vorpal.

Hold Monster explains the helpless - BUT, if I have a helpless creature, then I can just Coup de Grace it and therefore don't need the auto critical part of the effect. That's why I think you can drop the true strike.

Question: Lazily swirling petals - around the combatants - why can't I just catch them so they don't affect me?

As an aside, if you want to avoid the filigree connection, describe it as gold leaf rather than cloth.

My tuppence ha'penny on the craftsman's guilding...

I was looking at doing something similar, based on peace bonding for weapons. Yours has more wider use and application whereas what I was looking at was a finer target of curse. The effect similar, but worth mentioning, I think for you to consider.

I was limiting the amount of curse removal rather than doing a blanket removal and targeted only the numerical penalty type of curse.

For example, if I had a -2 sword of berserking rage, that applied a penalty to attack of -2 and placed the wielder into an uncontrollable rage, by use of my item, the numerical -2 got reversed to a +2 but the non numerical curses remained in effect.

So rather than go whole hog, look at the different types of curses and maybe limit the effect to a specific set of cases, targeting ones that a re more commonly encountered to ensure a wide appeal.

For me, a blanket "removes all" is too much, but that's just me, others don't think its a problem. Another way you could have made the item more balanced and retain the all curses aspect is to maybe add a chance that the curse is too strong to counter (along the lines of dispelling).

I do like that you made it a one use item though. They are so hard to do, as I am finding :)

Glad it helped.

I'm thinking about taking my vine idea and going back to the other path of holding / entangling/ grabbing - I like the idea of playing with some of the conditions in the game.

Maybe turning it from seed to a belt that provides a prehensile use for grabbing, holding, throwing so it attaches itself without need of grappling hooks, maybe some sort of combat tricks/acting as a hidden whip.

My concern here, of course, is the 1960s TV series of Batman - the ubiquitous Utility Belt - maybe not original enough - still, the thinking cap is still on for that one.

I wanted to try something with seeds.

My other idea at the moment, is unfortunately very spell in a can...

1) Plant the seed

2) A strange plant with a thistle head and two large ear shaped leaves grows.

3) You speak into the "ears" and can talk to the plants within a radius of the planted seed for a short time, and the thistle whispers the plants answers back to you.

4) Plant dies some round or two later.

So speak with plants is my problem there. It is too much speak with plants SIAC (Spell In A Can - for the new readers and lurkers).

I'll just let things boil and percolate in my subconscious a bit more.

p.s. do shout when I talk your ears off - or you think its granny, this is how you suck eggs.

At the moment, I am conscious of new readers, so am suffering from wordy Spicer-itis :P (hopefully for their benefit and not leading them astray)

Blackened Silk Sheer

I'll have a look at your pricing too - have you compared to similar priced items in the various books - items of comparative power do seem to be closer to your new price.

Also ask yourself, at this price, would I buy this, or something else of equivalent or slightly lesser in value? If it competes well in the price band, then your price is good.

LURKERS: Pricing is hard and an art - this is a good example of what to do - use the rules to get the base price - do not use the calculated value, it is only a starter value, you have more to do!

Then, go to the books and find items of comparable utility and price - how does your price compare? Ask yourself as a player where your item should sit within the existing items when listed by price. That is the trick to, as Neil, Sean, Clark and others say, "not getting it wrong".

I do have one reservation on this item though, so I am going to be honest and brutal now. It's a bit Swiss Army Knife. I can put it across my face, stitch it in my clothes or throw it. I don't think its fully SAK, but it's getting dangerously close for me. Sorry, but that's my gut feel.

I'm not sure how that can be fixed, I think if it couldn't be thrown and simply has to be worn in your clothes or across your face, that then makes it cohesive and avoids SAK-ness. I leave it up to you to decide whether you agree or not.

As another thought, ripping the item from face or clothes could be your one shot firetrap disposal of the item, in which case, list that last.

For me, the air purification is way cooler. I can walk through stinking cloud with it - something my enemy caster wouldn't be expecting. Yeah, for me, that is the cool in this one, and the cool should always come first.

This is a good example of running up the blind alley for all the lurkers out there :)

I think you need a comma after "small" and before "black".

Anthony Adam wrote:

Entangled victims can attempt to break free as a move action, making the same check at the same DC.

The only DC listed before this is a Perception check DC...are you inferring that the CMD of the vine is 15? In fact, you could save some words by just giving it a separate Strength check DC and cutting that quoted sentence.

Ooops, cut the DC out in error - lol, hangs head in shame.

The Strength / Escape Artist check is exactly as I found in the core rules for a similar effect, the entangled condition was given Strength or Escape Artist check choice, so I kept myself in line with prior canon on that.

Just found another example - rope of entanglement - also uses both Strength and Escape Artists - unfortunately this item is kind of a living rope of entanglement now - back to the drawing board - looks like I will be revisiting my "get this for me" idea after all.

I love the visual idea behind this item, which is why I am persevering with this one.

Ok, revision 2, word count has dropped around 35(ish) words, so it is getting there - still need to drop 40 more at least.

I had a stab at a name change to better describe the item from the name.

I have removed some redundancy - saying a plant bypasses alarm is pointless when alarm says it only detects creatures for example.

I have also re-ordered the powers as the entanglement power is probably the most interesting one.

Still need to check the price, but I am starting to feel happier now.

I am toying with removing the object carrying and retrieval altogether, this then brings me well within word count and stream lines the item quite considerably - I am hesitant though as I like the idea of the remote fetch me that aspect - in fact - I think I will drop it - it looks much more elegant without and feels right.

So the item has changed from the original utility item to a more general infiltration / combat item for all classes.

So we are now down to 229 words! OMG, almost suitable for the original round 1 word limit! Go me!

It now looks like this....

Reaching Tendril
Aura faint necromancy; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 400 gp; Weight —
Description
A small black seed striped diagonally with blood red veins sits in your outstretched palm, twitching and pulsating with the need to grow.

Planting the seed in fertile soil causes vine tendril to sprout immediately, growing to a maximum 30 foot length in one round. It flexes and coils as it grows, able to traverse both horizontal and vertical surfaces with ease and silence.

The vine is capable of entangling a single creature of up to medium size. A sleeping victim is allowed a Perception check, DC 15 to notice this, but all sleeping penalties apply. Creatures aware of this entangling attack must make a Strength or Escape Artist check to avoid becoming entangled as the condition. If they succeed, they must move immediately before any other action is taken on their turn. Entangled victims can attempt to break free as a move action, making the same check at the same DC.

The vine is treated as a plant for all purposes, with the exception that spells that control or command plants cause the vine to immediately die and crumble to dust. The vine has AC 14, Hardness 2, and 14 health. It lasts for 1d4+2 rounds and then withers away, releasing any entangled victims.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, command plants; Cost 200 gp

Weirdly, removing that carrying aspect now makes me feel like the price is much better - its a one shot hampering device with a distinct vulnerability.

I might need to add a small snippet to say that if the entangled creature dies, or it fails to entangle it's target, and the vine still has remaining duration, it can be instructed to entangle another victim - not sure though. I kind of think the GM should be able to work that out too.

Hmmm, will think on this, it's one of those should I shouldn't I things that I usually get wrong :P

What is the purpose of giving a small vial? I mean, I can see uses for it, but it seems extraneous here.

I was hinting at a vial/small container which might contain poison or healing potion or something like that. I am re-looking at that one. :)

Is planting a standard action? Full-round? Does it have to be in dirt?

Any activation is a standard action unless otherwise stated, so this was my first saving of words - I think its possibly the "dont quote/restate the rules" feedback or prior years that one.

My revision caught the dirt, but the term I am thinking of using is fertile soil, dirt was a bit too generic for me - for example, you could plant it in the damp sand / mud near to an oasis in a desert.

Hope that helps.

And another for your enjoyment/perusal...

This one is way over word count at 377 words and will require some major trimming, but I thought it might be useful for new Blazing 9'ers to follow the editing and revising processes - I will work on this one to get it down in words following initial feedback.

I'm also not happy with the pricing, it is a consumable, but I think I need to revisit that too.

Insidious Seed
Aura faint necromancy; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 400 gp; Weight —
Description
A small black seed striped diagonally with blood red veins sits in your outstretched palm, twitching and pulsating with the need to grow.

Planting the seed causes a tendril to sprout immediately, that grows to a maximum 30 foot length in the next round. It coils and reaches along the floors or nearby walls, seeking and grasping all the time. Totally silent, and able to pass by alarm without detection, it is a tool of thievery and assassination.

After initial planting, the tendril may be given a small vial to grasp. It knows the will of it's planter and will grow towards a sleeping or unconscious victim within 30 feet. It entwines and constricts around the victim gently but firmly. A sleeping victim is allowed a perception check, DC 15 to notice this, but all sleeping penalties apply. Victims that fail their save gain the entangled condition. Making the save allows the victim to wake and avoid being entangled by the vine, but they must move immediately before any other action is taken on their turn. Entangled victims can attempt to break free as a move action, making a Strength or Escape Artist check, DC 15. The vine lasts for 1d4+2 rounds and then withers away, releasing any entangled victim.

The vine can be ordered to grow towards an object within 30 feet, grasp it and return the object to it's originating planting spot. Using in this manner allows a single object to be retrieved of up to 10 pounds in weight. The vine is dexterous enough to untie bindings that might hold the object in place. To fetch an object takes a full round, the vine may be instructed to repeatedly fetch objects for up to 1d4+2 rounds, after which it withers away.

Spells that detect plants, do detect the vine. Spells that control or command plants will cause the vine to immediately die and crumble to dust. The vine has AC 14, Hardness 2, and 14 health.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, command plants; Cost 200 gp

Quote:

to spit or swallow

The 12 year old in me giggled at this. And so would everyone else I think. Food for thought.

Oh dear me, the things you type in innocence / blindness / blinkeredness...

You are all naughty people!

Thanks Pedro - the skill bonus was the reason I rejected it for this year.

It was pasted pretty raw from an old document - I probably would have caught the Balance issue on an edit - I must stop playing 4e >.<

I like the disarm, can't believe why that didn't occur to me - so good spot there!

Ohh, an OK for name - I hate names as many will attest to, so getting an OK for one of my names is happy dance time... :)

There may be a few more rough items as I recover my files from my dead pc's hard drive, we will see what I can recover and share.

p.s. I'm working on a novel way of presenting Superstar knowledge through a playable card game, so if any Blazing 9'ers would like to have access for reviewing and test playing once I get that far, PM me your gmail account (it simplifies access if you have a google mail account and they are free) and I will add you to the reviewing circle.

So that you can decide if you are interested or not, here is the text of where I am at for the basic rules... ( the pdf on the google gmail share contains the players board, and the basic card design, but the rules should be enough to give you a flavor... )

RPG Superstar! the Card Game

9) If a play mat has both types of judgement card, there are no affects on subsequent cards played to that play mat if there is an equal count of both judgement card types, otherwise the effect of the judgement card of the highest count is in effect. Judgements do not stack, 2x or 3x RECOMMEND cards are still only a single double effect.

... that should be a good enough sample for you to decide...

... to help clarify some questions from this early bit, here are the draft appendices to the rules...

Appendix 1 - Player Mat - Play Zones.

Wondrous - This deck comprises cards that reflect the game design task of designing a wondrous item.

NB: This game is a Work In Progress - there are potentially a lot more decks to follow - this system is pretty expandable to feats, spells, adventures, traps, the whole kit and kaboodle - but I am concentrating on the initial round of Superstar, to begin with, to facilitate playability reviews and feedback. I am currently working on the general deck.

Also don't forget, anyone posting work in here may get a pre-submission template fu'ing of their entry next year.

If you post here, and you want me to check your entry before you submit it, here are the rules for this offer...

I will review items once only per person (to save me getting swamped).

You may only get as many items reviewed as items you submit during Blazing 9 - e.g. submit 3 items to Blazing 9 means you could get up o 3 items reviewed for your submission use (time permitting of course)

You must have posted in this thread at least one item for review and discussion.

You must PM me your item via the Paizo board private message link using ALL formatting code as if you were posting it for real.

It must be posted at least 7 days (one week) prior to the end of round 1 submission deadlines (so I have time to catch up).

I cant guarantee I will get to everyone who uses this offer, but I will do my best.

If people send multiple items, I will review your first item in preference to any other 2nd, 3rd etc submissions so every gets a chance at a review of at least one item. Only when I have no first items left to review will I move on to secondary requests.

Ok, going through my "rejected" tray, here is one for you all to chew on :P - my focus is visuals etc this year, so expect me to get very wacky/creepy as the year progresses.

This one is my go at a consumable... literally :D 257 Words.

Old Salt Chew
Aura faint transmutation; CL 1st
Slot none; Price 400 gp (per pack); Weight —
Description

A black, slimy gum produced from the scrapings of the side of a ships tar kettle that has been used for 100 years.

When first chewed, the gum has the consistency and taste of month old sailor socks. Four rounds of chewing and the gum liquefies into a pungent mouthful of tacky bile. At this point, the consumer has two choices, to spit or swallow.

Spitting the bile onto hands or feet, coats them with a tacky black pungent slime that provides better grip in wet and stormy conditions. This is a +2 alchemical bonus to Climb, Balance and Grapple checks and any Profession (sailor) checks that require a good grip, examples include traversing ships rigging, trimming sails, standing on the deck in a storm tossed sea, and climbing ropes. Such coatings last for 4 consecutive checks or 10 minutes, whichever comes first.

The effect produced when swallowed is used by Ship’s surgeons to treat unconscious, drowning sailors. The surgeon forces the patient to swallow this bile. The patient immediately starts to convulse violently, expelling excess water from their lungs. This provides a +2 alchemical bonus to the surgeons Heal check to stabilize the patient.

Each piece of gum produces one mouthful of bile, which must be used immediately or the bile thickening into a rubbery tasteless gum.

There are six pieces of gum per pack, 5 packs weigh 1 pound.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, grease; Cost 200 gp

I don't know if it counts highlighting per se, but I use my pdf copies to print certain pages.

What I do is set it to the 4 sheets to a page mode.

In the first sheet I then use the page selection when printing so that I print for example

panel 1 the encounter map, panel 2 the encounter description - flowwing to panel 3 if needed, panel 4 any relevant flavor/setting page I think is needed.

Then I pull up the bestiaries and print similar for each unique creature in the encounter that I am to run as GM.

Then collating those, I highlight my printed sheets - the special attacks, defenses, traps and areas of interest - the encounter area on the map too!

This saves me so much wear and tear on my hard copy :)

OK, here goes my tuppence ha'penny.

Drowned Ferryman (Inquisitor)

Description:

The term proxy is often used as a means of describing someone who represents a higher power. So in this case, it would have been a better word to use describing that the archetype is a proxy for higher powers who provide access to the water domain. I'm not the worlds best as non clunky phrasing, but even I hit that one. :)

Now, Hanspur is a minor diety, who does provide water access, so you could have streamlined and simply made the archetype a follower of Hanspur, period. Nothing else needed, would have saved you quite a few words and you then wouldn't have needed the "Drowned" clarification, as you have limited them to Hanspur alone.

Spells.

For balance, I would have looked for some opposing spells to deny access to, maybe something earthy or rock like? I like how you were trying to build suffocation in, but your theme is water based, so I probably would only have used spells that are water based - i.e. not suffocation for example.

Hold Breath.

As said before, not exciting, water breathing would have been nicer and would have stacked better with the later powers - like submerge.

Submerge

A solid power but could have been sexed up with some physical exhibition of change/power, by entering the water and holding legs together, the legs merge into a merman tail providing a swim speed of ... sort of thing. one of the big lessons I have taken from this year is the wow factor, the sparkle and the shine - so far this entry needs more cinematics / visuals.

Out of Depth

Solid but lacking in cinematic / visuals again. I found myself asking why this happens? Also, if this is a power, then the suffocation spell is kind of overkill, especially if it stacks on this.

Is it an aura effect, if so, that's a pretty huge aura for a medium creature to have, or, does the ferryman induce their lungs to flood in some way?

Breath water.

Again, quite solid (does the creature lose it's gills - think visuals again. AND thinking it through, the extra sexy step would be to have it work both ways! Then his allies can breath water for a time!

Driftwood

Think this should be Sp and not Su, its quite powerful, but as a level 14, is around the right order. I would probably have used words saved earlier to sex up the description a little and included hints on whether it can be dis-spelled, even if only temporarily. Dispel Magic might turn it off long enough to allow capture of the ferryman and subsequent incarceration into a steel cage/prison.

In short, I think you probably hit the same problems I did this year - you need to work on your visuals as your main area to work on, I think.

Hope you found something useful in that ramble.

Or more simply a check box on the item such that this happens

a) voter says "I think it breaks the rules"
b) flagged, gets checked by Judge, who kills or saves it... saving it then...
c) sets a "has been checked and is ok flag" which disables the "I think it breaks the rules" for that item going forwards.

... that way, an item can only be flagged for checking just the once?

So I'm revising my short fiction according to the editor's advice... it will took a few days^^

It is so worth the effort and time - that feeling you get when you see your name and your article in the magazine is quite amazing :)

I'm in too, so another 2 for 2 wayfinderer, if that's the term.

Quite stoked - my submission this time was an archetype and quite a change from my wondrous item work.

Really looking forward to seeing what people think of it.

LOL - Lisa, I wouldn't worry about that.

You would be able to bring an alternate perspective to the judging - for example, you could be the representative of the ordinary people like us voters and entrants. If we can excite you as a GM, and you understand our items, that has to be a big plus for sure.

You could of course guest GM just the first round too.

p.s. The new PC has arrived! I'm back and installing, and installing and zzzzzz....

The Fu (me) will be attending the UK Games Expo all day Saturday and likely Sunday morning the weekend of that event.

I will be wearing a tan T-shirt with "I am the DOCTOR" with the TARDIS forming part of the wording on the front. I am old, wrinkly and very, very grey, bit like Ed Greenwood but not quite so trendy looking :)

So any fellow Superstars also attending, please feel free to drop by and say hi.

I couldn't get a stand this year to do a Superstar panel type of event in the UK, so am helping a new start up in showing their board games (I haven't all the details yet, but will share when I do).

See you there.

I can see the problems now:

shorter crowd sourcing time is better.
earlier cull (with gold filigree) is better.
Neither item is better.
:)

Curaigh! - You stirrer you!

It should be... evil grin...

shorter crowd sourcing time is better than earlier cull
earlier cull (with gold filigree) is better than shorter crowd sourcing time
Meh. Someone else can vote

:P

I will do, I'm kind of stuck in the "waiting for PC to arrive" limbo land at the moment.

So I'm working through on my work PC at lunchtimes into notepad for pasting into the doc when I get back fully operational.

No home PC really sucks, but the good lady authorized the expenditure this last week - hurrah!

Not looking forward to all that installing though >.<

My personal thoughts (you may agree or not, but they are just my thoughts)

I hate doom, quake, etc - I am rubbish at first person, I mean, really really rubbish. Give me a grenade and I throw it so it bounces back and blows me up, give me a machine gun and my team all die in friendly panic fire, you get the picture :)

I paid a mid tier amount for the kickstarter which didn't mention any forcing of view perspectives on the players, had it done so, I would likely have not been so generous with my funds. As a person who has helped fund the game, I have a certain expectation of a MMORPG style of game, which isn't first perspective.

Now, you can zoom "into" your toon body to gain first person (e.g. use your mouse wheel in Warcraft and you zoom in such a way, but it is not an exclusive thing. That is my expectation and why I was happy to provide goodly funds towards the game development - both styles and preferences are available, but the choice is mine to make.

I would feel, as a sponsor, kind of betrayed if I am forced into such a game style as it was not my expectation from the initial threads that garnered my support. As soon as you force a game style, you restrict the player base as well - potential players, like me, who do not like that perspective and with no other choice, will go elsewhere - which is not conducive to a games long term success.

I like in RPGs being able to see my "toon", I like seeing the gear changes as I get more shiny to wear. It's a big part of the joy of RPG gaming on the computer for me.

But that's just me, I'm wacky in so many ways :)

This is just an addendum to the new judges idea:

Add Anthony Adam as a judge...or should I say Template Fu.

Many thanks for the suggestion, but personally, I don't think I believe that I can officially recognize what Superstar is until I have achieved top 32 myself.

I have already offered to participants of this years blazing 9 a template fu review of their entry via private message before they submit, but until I have a superstar tag of my own, I wouldn't want to do any formal judging in any official capacity.

I want to prove myself first if you like.