|Anthony Adam Marathon Voter 2013, Marathon Voter 2014|
|1 person marked this as a favorite.|
Ok, those commas in the intro look weirdly placed, try moving the bought by the dozen to start of the sentence..." Bought by the dozen, these sweet, buttery... it will keep the roll descriptions with the word "roll" and read better when read aloud.
Now the one that will make you go "huh?"
See that paragraph starting "The size of the creature" - well, if you read it, it's really boring as it's talking about how the price is derived, so how about you take that whole paragraph and move it down in to the front of the last line of the description.
This will bring the roll's eating affect to the fore of the item, and it IS the most exciting part of the item, so that is what should follow the descriptive intro.
Try it, I think you will find it makes the whole item much more exciting to read the first time and subsequent times.
Description should always go...
Short visual para of the item,
Main exciting powers first thing after the description,
Secondary powers next (if any)
Closing statements, usually end of duration, limits etc (in this case pricing and roll freshness limitation).
Doing this gets the voters and the judges into the meat and potatoes of the item design the fastest.