Mom (of MomCorp) - "Don't be a fool, you idiot!"
Fry - "I'll be whatever I wanna do!"
- Futurama

"Power concedes nothing without a demand." -Frederick Douglas

Heard from Kobold Cleaver:

"Epic Fail is still Epic." This should be on a tee shirt.

"Murder is just an extroverted suicide."

monty python

Heard from Kobold Cleaver:

"Epic Fail is still Epic." This should be on a tee shirt.

"Murder is just an extroverted suicide."
monty python

"I'm not a murderer! I'm suicidal, and I'm projecting..."

"To quote a bible, 'The Water Monster is right, Catman. They are among us.'"

Um guys? there's a whole section on tax law down here we can burn.

Heard from Kobold Cleaver:

"Epic Fail is still Epic." This should be on a tee shirt.

Besides, bukkake means there's a hole not being filled and we all know that all holes must be filled.

"Nothing in my pocket,
nothing up my sleeve.
I keep my magic in my heart." - Triumph

I spend time, searching my mind, walking blindly
I'm a live but I don't know why my thoughts threat me
Paranoia, fear and guilt, I hope I don't explode
I'm a bomb that ya can't diffuse,
a gun that ya can't unload...

I don't listen, I don't know, man. I don't care!
You're talking 'bout all the hell you've seen...
Man. I live there!
Talk to me and it goes right through
I never heard a word you said..
Save your breath 'coz it's no use:
You're talking to the living dead!

Ooh..bullet driven eyes...yeah, what can you tell me?
Ooh..I'm living in a nightmare, yeah!
I'm on the edge, shrinking back from the ledge
Looking out my window, down upon my heritage
Strip malls, thin walls, people paralyzed beneath the sun
Why me, why now?
I see the dirty millions and I try to survive somehow...

Got no reasons, got no needs
I hear gunshots, I hear screams
What can you do to me, what can you say?
I used to be alive but I threw it all away
I used to have problems, I used to live a lie
I've seen the sidewalk bleed
And I watched the mother cry
I used to have a mind, I used to wonder why
But now I go from day to day and wait around to die...
...like he did.

- Henry Rollins, "Volume 4"

An inordinate fondness for beetles. JBS Haldane's response to a question about what his study of the natural world had revealed about its creator

Never argue with women. You'll end up losing every single time. -Advice from my father

"It says here that psionics is a CHOICE! No one's 'born' psionic!"
- WhoDrewThis a.k.a. N'Wah

"Frickin' airports, makin' you take your frickin' shoes off 'cause of that frickin' shoe bomber. Why couln't they have sent a frickin' bra bomber? I woulda liked to see THAT!"
- Mark Mallon

Heaven lasts long and Earth abides
What is the secret of their durability?
Is it because they do not live for themselves
That they endure so long?

-Lao Tzu

Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.
St. Francis of Assisi

mwbeeler wrote:

A personal favorite of mine:
"Three may keep a Secret, if two of them are dead." - Benjamin Franklin

Old Ben had another great quote: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." I even have a t-shirt with that on it.

Edward Abbey. I like this guy:

"Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second."

"A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government."

On anarchism:
"Anarchism is not a romantic fable but the hardheaded realization, based on five thousand years of experience, that we cannot entrust the management of our lives to kings, priests, politicians, generals, and county commissioners."
"Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others."

"The more corrupt a society, the more numerous its laws."

"Counterpart to the knee-jerk liberal is the new knee-pad conservative, always groveling before the rich and powerful. The only thing worse than a knee-jerk liberal is a knee-pad conservative."

"What's the difference between a whore and a congressman? A congressman makes more money."

"I would give ten years off the beginning of my life to see, only once, Tyrannosaurus rex come rearing up from the elms of Central Park, a Morgan police horse screaming in its jaws. We can never have enough of nature."

That our genitals are within arm's reach is proof that God loves us.

"Here on the Scott Lame Show, we'll be listening to the new John Lennon single, which if you play it backwards at slow speed, it screws up your needle!"
- George Carlin

"This is Atomic Array number 17, and you are Rone Barton."
- Rone Barton

Angus: "By the way, your friend has terrible aim."
Faye: "Pretty sure she's drunk."
Hannelore: "NO I'm NOT these are TIME SNOWBALLS they're achieving relativistic VELOCITY and they're gonna hit you twenty years in the FUTURE"
- Questionable Content

A response to the current goings-on in the Civil Religious discussion. I thought that it would be funny, but it isn't very respectful, so I'll put it here instead:

Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man -- living in the sky -- who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But He loves you.

- George Carlin

"When NASA first started sending astronauts into space, they realized that the ballpoint pen would not work at zero gravity. A million dollar investment and two years of tests resulted in a pen that would write in space, upside-down, on any surface and at any temperature from below freezing to over 300 degrees centigrade. When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil."

- Tania Kovats

"When NASA first started sending astronauts into space, they realized that the ballpoint pen would not work at zero gravity. A million dollar investment and two years of tests resulted in a pen that would write in space, upside-down, on any surface and at any temperature from below freezing to over 300 degrees centigrade. When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil."

- Tania Kovats

Marge: "Do you want your son to grow up to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper?!"
Homer: "Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?"
Marge: "Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!"
Homer: "Now who's being naive?"

Lenny: Where we goin' anyway?
Carl: Ape island.
Lenny: Oh yeah, whadda they got there?
Carl: Giant Apes. I wish we was goin' to Candy Apple Island.
Lenny: Oh yeah, whadda they got there?
Carl: Apes. But they're not so big.

FAVORITE SIMPSONS DIALOGUE EVER.

Mary Burkhalter - "I'm gettin' the squid."
Kevin Burkhalter - "I'm gettin' da-RUNK!"

"Culture is dynamic human creativity ... which can be seen as an antidote to the tendency for contemporary life to be stultifying. We live in a society dominated by inequality, privilege, irrational greed, moral authoritarianism and an anti-intellectualism that perverts the ways in which people may seek to lead fulfilling lives in peace and harmony."
- John Astley

"Culture is dynamic human creativity ... which can be seen as an antidote to the tendency for contemporary life to be stultifying. We live in a society dominated by inequality, privilege, irrational greed, moral authoritarianism and an anti-intellectualism that perverts the ways in which people may seek to lead fulfilling lives in peace and harmony."
- John Astley

I wonder if they're related?

I'm going to quote myself here, in something that slipped out inadvertently many years ago when someone I knew made a really beautiful nature painting and the local art store refused to even take it on consignment:

"No praise is higher than the scorn of fools."

A friend of mine by the name of Sean was in the Singapore Army for a few years. For part of his service, he was taking an acne medication that had the unfortunate side effect of making his nose bleed uncontrollably. One day during morning inspection, the Master Sergeant noticed drops of blood on the floor. Here is the exchange, as recounted to me:

Master Sergeant - "Is someone bleeding?"
Sean - "Me, sir."
Master Sergeant - "Are you in need of medical assistance?"
Sean - "No, sir."
Master Sergeant - "Why are you bleeding?"
Sean (pointing to his nose) - "I'm taking a new weight-loss pill that removes excess body weight in the form of blood through the nose."
Master Sergeant - "HUH?"

"Thank you, thank you very much. I'm blown away. In fact, I'm leaving."
- Sir Ken Robinson

"In the Nativity play... the three little boys went on stage, you know, with the tea towels on their heads and all that. They put their boxes down, and the first boy said "I bring you gold." Then, second boy said "I bring you myrrh." And then the third boy put his box down and said "Frank sent this."
- Sir Ken Robinson

"A movie didn't kill Hitler. He killed himself. Don't you get it? He won. He completely pulled his mission off. Thought it up and did it. More charisma than ten Reagans. No Hollywood director will ever be as widely remembered."
- Henry Rollins, Eye Scream

"Change is never good. People say it is but it's not."
Sheldon, The Big Bang Theory

"All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it." -- H.L. Mencken

"The only thing you find in the middle of the road are dead animals and dumb Americans." -- Anton Newcombe

"That's Doctor Smartass. I didn't spend ten years in Insult College to get called Mister."
- Harry B. C. Dresden, Turn Coat

"A demon can get in real trouble, doing the right thing."
- A. J. Crowley, Good Omens

"That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth."
- Jayne Cobb (Adam Baldwin), Firefly

"That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth."
- Jayne Cobb (Adam Baldwin), Firefly

The Eldritch Mr. Shiny wrote:

"That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth."
- Jayne Cobb (Adam Baldwin), Firefly

"You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go and ruttin' beat you with so you know who's in command."

Orthos wrote:

The Eldritch Mr. Shiny wrote:

"That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth."
- Jayne Cobb (Adam Baldwin), Firefly

"You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go and ruttin' beat you with so you know who's in command."

Wash - "A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything."
Jayne - "Damn straight."

Badger - "Crime and politics, little girl. Situation is always... fluid."
Jayne - "Only fluid I see here is the puddle of piss refusing to pay us our wage!"

Zoe: "Preacher, ain't the Bible got pretty specific rules on killing?"
Book: "Very specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps."

I just went to a seminar by Syd Mead (of Blade Runner fame), and he came up with this gem:

"I mainly work with gouache, which is French for 'b@&&&y medium'."

Zoe: "Preacher, ain't the Bible got pretty specific rules on killing?"
Book: "Very specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps."

We're going to quote the whole show at this rate.

We're going to quote the whole show at this rate.

"What happened to Simon? Who is this diabolical master of disguise?"
- Wash (Alan Tudyk)