Post funny and/or intersting quotes here. In this thread.

Example:

Context- A nationally ranked runner by the name of Lee Berube lives in the same town that I do. (He went to high school with me.) I was taping a community event honoring him, and happened to see that he was standing under a GIGANTIC sign proclaiming all sorts of glorious things about him.

Me: "Hey, Lee. You like your sign?"
Lee: "Yeah. It's big. It's a big sign. I like it."

He doesn't exactly have the greatest powers of observation.

"Dude, my turds have more muscles than you do."

True life quote.

"Dude, my turds have more muscles than you do."

True life quote.

"Dude, my turds have more muscles than you do."

True life quote.

My favorite quotes come from Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde and William Blake.

William Blake;
"He who desires, but acts not, breeds pestilence."

"Those who restrain their desires, do so becauses their desires are weak enough to be restrained."

"The man who never alters his opinions is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind."

Mark Twain;
"Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him."

Oscar Wilde;
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live."

"Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason."

"I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world."

"He's avoiding the issue at hand, everytime we approach him about the union", he says "We gotta get these potato's to Detroit".
I saw this on the news

"Alright, I'll take care of them part of the time, but there's somebody else that needs taking care of in Washington"

"We are professionals, we take our jobs seriously, and we never, ever make mistakes. ... How do you turn this f@%#ing camera off..."
- Nathan Fillion

"Suppose you were a politician, and suppose you were an idiot. Ah, but I repeat myself."
- Mark Twain

"I don't do nuance."
-George Walker Bush

"I'll tell you this no eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn"

I love me some Twain.

“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

“Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.”

“Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.”

“Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.”

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

“Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.”

“In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination.”

“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”

My six year old son's teacher told the class that watching movies shrinks your brain. So yesterday he tells us...

"I don't want to watch movies because it shrinks your brain -- that's why I play video games."

"What we've got here is failure to communicate.
Some men you just can't reach...
So, you get what we had here last week,
which is the way he wants it!
Well, he gets it!
N' I don't like it any more than you men."

I like the druggy downtown kids
who spraypaint walls and trains
I like their lack of training,
their primitive technique

I think sometimes it hurts you
when you stay too long in school
I think sometimes it hurts you
when you're afraid to be called a fool

-- Warhol in Lou Reed & John Cale's "Songs for 'Drella"

"Bart, don't make fun of grad students! They just made a terrible life choice." -- Marge Simpson

"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy s~!~ we don't need" -- Tyler Durden, Fight Club

"I just sat through three hours of so-called acting, and that kiss was the only convincing part of it!"
- Simon Pegg as Sergeant Nicholas Angel in 'Hot Fuzz'

"I was driving in my rental car, in Ireland, and I turned on the radio. I heard this: 'If the Lord hadn't intended us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them out of meat.' Click. I turned it off. That was it, that just made my day. I didn't need to hear more."
- Peter Mulvey

"I was driving in my rental car, in Ireland, and I turned on the radio. I heard this: 'If the Lord hadn't intended us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them out of meat.' Click. I turned it off. That was it, that just made my day. I didn't need to hear more."
- Peter Mulvey

/d

"Uli's a nihilist. He doesn't believe in anything."
"Ah, must be exhausting."

"I don't like you sucking around bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don't like your jerkoff name. I don't like your jerkoff face, I don't like your jerkoff behavior and I don't like you, Jerkoff. Do I make myself clear?"
"...I'm sorry, I wasn't listening."

"Does the female form bother you, Mr. Lebowsi?"
"Oh, is that what this is a picture of?"
"In a sense, yes. My work has been commended as being strongly vaginal and this makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina. Even the word itself makes some men uncomfortable when, without batting an eye he could refer to his "dick" or his "rod or his "johnson"."
"Johnson?"

"Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?"
"Sex?"
"Coitus. The physical act of love. Do you like it?"
"..I was talking about my rug, but.."
"You're not interested in sex?"
"....You mean, coitus?"
"I like it,too. It's a male myth about feminists, that we hate sex. Sex can be a natural, zesty enterprise. Yet there are some people, it's called Satyriasis in men and Nymphomania in women, who engage in fornication compulsively and without joy."
"Oh, no."
"Oh, yes. These people cannot love in the true sense, our mutual acquaintance "Bunny" for instance."
"Yeah, listen Maude, I'm sorry your stepmother's a nympho but, uh...do you have any kaluha?"

"The script is ludicrous. You can imagine where it goes from here."
"He fixes the cable?"
"Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey."

"I don't like you sucking around bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don't like your jerkoff name. I don't like your jerkoff face, I don't like your jerkoff behavior and I don't like you, Jerkoff. Do I make myself clear?"
"...I'm sorry, I wasn't listening."

James Keegan wrote:

"I don't like you sucking around bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don't like your jerkoff name. I don't like your jerkoff face, I don't like your jerkoff behavior and I don't like you, Jerkoff. Do I make myself clear?"
"...I'm sorry, I wasn't listening."

"Come on! This guy treats objects like women, man!"

"Your money is being held by a kid named Larry Sellers. Lives on Radford...by the In N' Out Burger. f&*&in' brat, but I'm sure your goons can get it off him. Kid's fifteen...flunkin' social studies."

"But on this most auspicious of nights, permit me then, in lieu of the more commonplace sobriquet, to suggest the character of this dramatis persona. Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

"No, what you have are bullets, and the hope that when your guns are empty, I'm no longer standing, because if I am... you'll all be dead before you've reloaded."

"He said it came from his grandmother,who had lots of beautiful things of that kind. A ridiculous story. I have no doubt that smeagols's grandmother was a matriarch, a great person in her way,but to talk of her possessing many Elven-rings was absurd,and as for giving them away,it was a lie. But a lie with a grain of truth."

“You know I thug 'em, (censored) 'em, love 'em, leave 'em Cause I don't (censored) need 'em” - Shawn Corey Carter

I need a witty quote for when someone slaps you, any suggestions?

I need a witty quote for when someone slaps you, any suggestions?

*That's not how you slap someone, here let me show you. *WHACK*

*Did you get it? The bug, I mean. Oh wait, you meant for that to hurt?!?!

I'd go with the first one though.

“Hit me again, Ike. And this time, put some steak on it!”

"Stop hitting me, or I'll cry!"
...What? It works, doesn't it?

"Asteroids do not concern me, Admiral. I want that ship, not excuses".

"Eric screams and screams and pounds his head against the wall until phantom fire trucks rave across his vision. All he wants is pain. Pain and hate. Yes, hate. But never fear. Fear is for the enemy. Fear and bullets."
-- James O'Barr, The Crow

Shenzoe wrote:

I need a witty quote for when someone slaps you, any suggestions?

*Ow.

*That's not how you slap someone, here let me show you. *WHACK*

*Did you get it? The bug, I mean. Oh wait, you meant for that to hurt?!?!

I'd go with the first one though.

"Your majesty is like a stream of bat's piss."

"WHAT??!!"

"I merely meant, your majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark."

Python. Good Lord, those lads were funny!

"Boy, Captain America over here! "Best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honors." Yeah, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here."

"This is the Master-Ring, the One Ring to rule them all.
This is the One Ring lost many years ago,
to the great weakening of its maker's power.
Now, he greatly desires to have it again,
- but he must NOT get it"

"Are you a God-fearing man, Senator? That is such a strange phrase. I've always thought of God as a teacher; a bringer of light, wisdom, and understanding. You see, I think what you really fear is me. Me and my kind. The Brotherhood of Mutants. Oh, it's not so surprising really. Mankind has always feared what it doesn't understand. Well, don't fear God, Senator, and certainly don't fear me. Not any more."

"I've made a huge mistake."

-GOB

Brock Samson: Don't you have nothing else to do but harp on Dr. Venture? Why haven't you tried the World Domination thing, you afraid of the big leagues?
The Monarch: Please. How stupid do I look to you? World Domination. I'll leave that to the religious nuts or the Republicans, thank you.

Hunter: "Lesson number one; trust no one. The minute god crapped out the third caveman a conspiracy was hatched against one of them. Get up damn you!!"

[Brock groans and gets to his feet. Gathers tosses Brock a jetpack.]

Hunter: "Strap her on, kid. Your training starts now. When I'm through with you you'll be a member of the elite agency that's been thanklessly defending this bigass country since the second American Revolution. The invisible one."

Thanks cosmo the venture bros had some damn funny qoutes

Back to the flashback, Underbheit, Rusty, Mike and Pete are playing Dungeons & Dragons:

Underbheit: My barbarian swings his +3 battle axe!
Mike: No. The Leslie-Golem skin is like rock.
Pete: What the hell's a 'Leslie-Golem'?
Mike: A very powerful creature that looks just like Leslie Cohen.
[everyone groans]
T.S.: Looks like Leslie Cohen, huh? Well then my wizard seduces her.
Mike: What. You can't do that.
T.S.: Sure I can! I have like twenty-five charisma points. I wanna seduce her.
Mike: No, don't! It's Leslie!
[Venture rolls the 12-sided die which Mike watches in fear... it comes to a stop and he yells]

Back in the present:

Dr. Venture: Oh come on!! You're gonna kill me because I had fake sex on graph paper with a girl who barely spoke to you in real life?!

Sorayama: Aren't my robots beautiful? Do you notice anything...familiar about them?

Venture: Yeah, I had that issue of Heavy Metal, too, Mike.

You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your f*~&ing khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

--Tyler

And shephards we shall be
For thee, my lord, for thee
Power hath descended forth from thy hand
That our feet may swiftly carry out thy command
So we shall flow a river forth to thee
And teeming with souls shall it ever be
In nomine Patris et fillii et Spiritus Sancti

"And when I vest my flashing sword
And my hand takes hold in judgement
I will take vengeance upon mine enemies
And I will repay those who hase me
O Lord, raise me to Thy right hand
And count me amoung Thy saints"

Overheard in a bookstore today (appropriately enough, I was in the fantasy books section which is near the fiction section).

High School Girl 1: Fiction means really true, right?
High School Girl 2: Ummm. ... yeah.

PAUSE

High School Girl 1: OH MY GOD! The Bourne Supremacy really happened!! I thought that was just a movie.

"And when I vest my flashing sword
And my hand takes hold in judgement
I will take vengeance upon mine enemies
And I will repay those who hase me
O Lord, raise me to Thy right hand
And count me amoung Thy saints"

(Genesis verses 25-27)
25. And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying Where is the flaming sword which was given unto thee?
26. And the Angel said, I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.
27. And the Lord did not ask him again.

Overheard in a bookstore today (appropriately enough, I was in the fantasy books section which is near the fiction section).

High School Girl 1: Fiction means really true, right?
High School Girl 2: Ummm. ... yeah.

PAUSE

High School Girl 1: OH MY GOD! The Bourne Supremacy really happened!! I thought that was just a movie.

Sharoth: "First off, I am real."
Heathy: "Whoopity doo. Being real isn't so great.
Britney Spears is real."

Sharoth is REAL?! Oh no! I am in BIG trouble!!! Best stock up on canned frog legs!

Tarren Dei wrote:

Overheard in a bookstore today (appropriately enough, I was in the fantasy books section which is near the fiction section).

High School Girl 1: Fiction means really true, right?
High School Girl 2: Ummm. ... yeah.

PAUSE

High School Girl 1: OH MY GOD! The Bourne Supremacy really happened!! I thought that was just a movie.

Surely you jest? The teen populace of the world is not that stupid.

Senator Stampingston:" Gentlemen, it's clear that we're in a universally precarious situation. Dethklok has summoned a troll".

General Krosier: "That's impossible, there's no such thing as trolls".

Senator Stampingston: Then how do you explain the dead unicorns?

Patton Oswalt:
First off, when I went looking for a KFC in Los Angeles, I realized I hadn't been in a KFC in decades. I remember, as a kid, how fun they were, with the corn on the cob on a stick, and the way KFC chicken tastes so goddamn awesome the next day after spending the night in the fridge.

The franchise I visited, on Hollywood Boulevard near my old apartment, looked like it had withstood assault by bullets, flamethrowers, Baseball Furies, and a hundred hook-handed whores. Everything inside the store—including the employees and customers—looked like it had been rubbed with sad ham.

read the rest here.

First off, when I went looking for a KFC....

"Nothing. NOTHING can go wrong on stage."
- Henry Rollins

"Anybody else wanna negotiate?"

"Remember when the aliens came, but they didn't tell all the stupid people, so they wouldn't get scared? ... Oh."
- Steve Martin

"Your opinion is wrong."
- John Dreimiller

"I wouldn't have said a word [to Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris]. I would have listened. I would have heard what they had to say."
- Brian 'Marilyn Manson' Warner

"Look dis, I make blood go to my head and give myself real blowjob!"
- Toki Wartooth
"Is not called blowjob, is called nosebleed, idiot."
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Overheard about 12 years ago in my high school journalism class:

"I'm an atheist! Swear to god!"