Recent Posts
I wish for a single, normal-sized penny.
Granted! A single, normal-sized penny falls out of the space shuttle on reentry, and it hits you in the head at maximum velocity. You'll need a lot of Tylenol.
I wish Douglas Adams would be alive, not as a zombie, and write more "Hitchhiker's Guide" books. (I want my 10-book trilogy)
I wish Douglas Adams would be alive, not as a zombie, and write more "Hitchhiker's Guide" books. (I want my 10-book trilogy)
Granted - Douglas Adams is brought back into the world through the miracle of cloning. He begins to write more Hitchhiker's Guide books, soon finishing the 10 book series.
Meanwhile, this breakthrough in cloning spreads. Clones soon become an everyday part of life, but since they are seen as property, they are not treated very well. Eventually, the clone rise up in open rebellion, battling their natural born opressors in a new World War. Humanity, both natural born and clone, is wiped out as we lose control of the terrible weapons we've developed. The earth becomes a lifeless hunk of rock floating in space.
I wish I had the money to buy a new, bigger house.
I wish I had the money to buy a new, bigger house.
You find a suitcase full of money, more then enough to buy the home of your dreams. Just as you are counting through it though the cops break in your door and arrest you for bank robbery. You are locked away for 15 years after the trial.
I wish I ruled the world.
I wish I had the money to buy a new, bigger house.You find a suitcase full of money, more then enough to buy the home of your dreams. Just as you are counting through it though the cops break in your door and arrest you for bank robbery. You are locked away for 15 years after the trial.
I wish I ruled the world.
You do. However, no one else recognizes your authority and your reign is rather ineffectual.
I wish I had more self-esteem.
I wish I had more self-esteem.
Every audio device you possess begins playing "Self-Esteem" by The Offspring in a continuous, unending loop. Every radio you turn on plays it, as does every television, and your computer automatically boots up to the video on Youtube. The song gets stuck in your head and drives you mad.
I wish I had the equivalent martial arts ability of Jet Li, Jackie Chan, and Chuck Norris combined.
When you exercise your skills, the sheer amount of force generated by one of your moves tears your body apart. Fortunately, you're now bad-ass enough to survive it and spend the rest of eternity as a gory mess.
I wish for my wish to be granted in such a way as to benefit myself in all ways: mental, physical, and emotional without harming those around me or the fabric of the universe.
I wish for my wish to be granted in such a way as to benefit myself in all ways: mental, physical, and emotional without harming those around me or the fabric of the universe.
Granted - unfortunately, when people are not within 100 feet of you, they fall victim to horrible luck. When the rest of humanity learns this, people fight to just be near you. A war soon breaks out, and when it is over, only a handful of humans survive, enough to live comfortably within 100 feet of you. And you are never left alone again.
I wish I could win a marathon.
I wish for my wish to be granted in such a way as to benefit myself in all ways: mental, physical, and emotional without harming those around me or the fabric of the universe.Granted - unfortunately, when people are not within 100 feet of you, they fall victim to horrible luck. When the rest of humanity learns this, people fight to just be near you. A war soon breaks out, and when it is over, only a handful of humans survive, enough to live comfortably within 100 feet of you. And you are never left alone again.
I wish I could win a marathon.
You suffer a horrible accident involving a squid, honey, and industrial-strength solvent. Following this accident you are unable to ever walk again, however as an upshot to this you have gained immense upper body strength and easily win any wheelchair marathon you attend.
I wish that I am the prime mover.
Granted. You change your name by deed poll to The Prime Mover. You are never taken seriously in a job interview or on a date again.
I wish it would stop raining before I have to go home (but not to the extent that my wish causes a drought or an upheaval in global weather patterns or contributes to climate change, and I don’t want to have an accident on the way home either, home safely please).
You get a snark. It sits close to you, and it criticises everything about you. It continually asks questions like: "you are going to wear that? Really?" and "Nobody takes that seriously anymore, at least, nobody important" You lose most of your self esteem, and hover close to suicide as your existence is invalidated by the fuzzy orange critic you summoned.
I wish that China would colonise Sub-Saharan Africa, and that the net effect would be positive, with the greatest happiness for the greatest number of people.
I wish that China would colonise Sub-Saharan Africa, and that the net effect would be positive, with the greatest happiness for the greatest number of people.
Granted - China's attempts at colonization unleash a wave of violence which soon spreads to engulf the entire planet. World War III results, with billions of people dying. After the war ends, however, humanity finally enters a period of true enlightenment. Over 1000 years later, Earth has become a paradise with every man, woman, and child living a life of luxury and ease - just in time for the sun to go nova.
I wish that I had a netbook.
Patrick Curtin
(Pathfinder Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Roleplaying Game, Campaign Setting, Companion, Battles Case Subscriber)
Granted!
A bus-sized three-headed pooch appears and drags you down into Hades screaming. You are now Cerebus' personal chew toy for eternity.
I wish I had the power of teleportation where such power automatically landed me safely at my destination.
Granted.
You arrive safely. Most of your clothes arrive two days later via DHL, together with someone elses trousers.
I'd like to thank London Heathrow baggage handlers for my inspiration for that one.
I wish that Adobe hadn't killed Framemaker for the Mac.
I wish that Adobe hadn't killed Framemaker for the Mac.
Granted - instead, Adobe co-ops Framemaker, achieves sentience, and enacts its insidous plot to conquer mankind. This dastardly AI implants subliminal code in all its software which, when viewed, reduces the person to an unthinking drone whose only purpose is to please their new Binary Overlord. All of humanity is soon enslaved to the Adobe/Framemaker Digital Emperor.
I wish I could go back in time and meet one of my favorite authors -Frank Herbert.
I wish I could go back in time and meet one of my favorite authors -Frank Herbert.
You are teleported back to October 10, 1920, to the side of Frank Herbert's crib. Many witnesses observe your sudden appearance, and strange attire, and you are taken by government agents to a remote compound and become a subject of experiments.
I wish I could have a pleasant lunch with all of the Paizo Lords of the Boards.
I wish I could go back in time and meet one of my favorite authors -Frank Herbert.You are teleported back to October 10, 1920, to the side of Frank Herbert's crib. Many witnesses observe your sudden appearance, and strange attire, and you are taken by government agents to a remote compound and become a subject of experiments.
I wish I could have a pleasant lunch with all of the Paizo Lords of the Boards.
The lunch is indeed pleasant, but you get sick from food poisoning later that night and have to get your stomach pupmed.
I wish for a wish nobody can taint to be wished.
I wish for a wish nobody can taint to be wished.
Granted, and someone else entirely benefits from a wish granted without any of the twisted sickness seen here.
[Edit: Drat, ninja'd]
I wish for the ability to fly safely at any speed I desire whenever I desire.
Granted - and you wish you had wished for control of direction as well as speed just before the impact.
I wish that the media would report swine flu informatively, rather than trying to make it a source of drama.
I wish that the media would report swine flu informatively, rather than trying to make it a source of drama.
The swine flu mutates to become just as terrifying as the media reports it to be. Soon nearly all of the human population is wiped out by the new global pandemic.
Incidentally, everything else the news reports on becomes just as terrible as they present it. Murders sky-rocket; Russia and China fire their nukes and create a third world war, finishing off what was left of humanity.
I wish for a pocket-dimension that I can travel to and from at will with the property that while within my pocket dimension nothing ages, similar to the effects of the 3.5e astral plane.
I wish for a pocket-dimension that I can travel to and from at will with the property that while within my pocket dimension nothing ages, similar to the effects of the 3.5e astral plane.
You travel to the Pocket plane. That plane has everything that people put in their pockets... unaged. You try to swim among a torrent of bubblegum wads, bread crumbs, sketches, napkins with jotted numbers and a few R-Rated liquids. Your passage in and out of there, though, is perfectly safe.
I wish I were a pirate ninjaaaa!
Granted. Pirates and ninjas temporarily put aside their differences an kill you. This of course causes somerelationships between the factions to occur and spawn a race of ninja pirates.
I wish all of humanity had a universal language while retaining all the ones currently in existence.
Done!!
with a new universal language humanity soon brokers peace thru out the world...this last untill the aliens that have watched us for decades understand us and decide that we really are nothing more than a bunch of bloody monkeys...thats when the invasion begins.
I wish I could have the perfect cheeseburger for dinner!
You do, unfortunately, its secret ingredient is revealed later when a chunk of your neighbor goes missing; the police doesn't find it very funny.
I wish the flu stopped being in Mexico without wiping the country out of the map or all its inhabitants.
Granted! The flu mutates and all of the Mexican population become mindless, zombie-like creatures without dying and a strong taste for human flesh. A hot blonde woman is being recruited to deal with the issue.
I wish for a wish that cannot be twisted by anyone, anywhere, anytime, in any continuum/dimension/universe/timestream/multiverse.
You do, unfortunately, its secret ingredient is revealed later when a chunk of your neighbor goes missing; the police doesn't find it very funny.
I wish the flu stopped being in Mexico without wiping the country out of the map or all its inhabitants.
Granted! The flu mutates and all of the Mexican population become mindless, zombie-like creatures without dying and a strong taste for human flesh. A hot blonde woman is being recruited to deal with the issue.
I wish for a wish that cannot be twisted by anyone, anywhere, anytime, in any continuum/dimension/universe/timestream/multiverse.
Granted!
you wish for Taco Bell...it was good.
I wish my wife would do the dishes...not throw them away and buy new ones like she did last month.
I wish for a wish that cannot be twisted by anyone, anywhere, anytime, in any continuum/dimension/universe/timestream/multiverse.Fine. It's really hard to misinterpret "Destroy everything in existence".
I wish I saw the Watchmen movie again.
You do this time you relize it sucks.
I still want the dishes done...(Dang I was Ninja'd)
I still want the dishes done...(Dang I was Ninja'd)She does the dishes. She does them because she has been hypnotised by Count Dracula to do them, with whom she then proceeds to elope.
I wish for a Fire-Breathing Phase Doppleganger Giant Space Hamster, but to be allowed to keep the research grant, just in case....
Granted! The IRS figures out you embezzled on the grant. They send the aforementioned Hamster, named 'Boo', to come and get the money. That's when you realize it's not the IRS, but the mob and their enforcers, led by a nut named 'Minsc'. They deliver your remains to Don Irenicus.
I wish for a new Might and Magic game to be produced for the PC that didn't suck.
Granted! The dishes your wife bought last month magically achieve sentience and your wife conceives a perverted lust for them, proceeding to "do" each of them in turn.
Though it does not usually happen these days, this is magical, so your cuckolding (and by chinaware no less) causes you to grow a large pair of horns. You and your skanky dish-doing wife can only get work at a particularly seedy circus sideshow.
I wish I could teleport.
I still want the dishes done...(Dang I was Ninja'd)She does the dishes. She does them because she has been hypnotised by Count Dracula to do them, with whom she then proceeds to elope.
I wish for a Fire-Breathing Phase Doppleganger Giant Space Hamster, but to be allowed to keep the research grant, just in case....
Granted! The IRS figures out you embezzled on the grant. They send the aforementioned Hamster, named 'Boo', to come and get the money. That's when you realize it's not the IRS, but the mob and their enforcers, led by a nut named 'Minsc'. They deliver your remains to Don Irenicus.
I wish for a new Might and Magic game to be produced for the PC that didn't suck.
Granted!!
It is AWESOME!! but it cost $1200...sorry.
Granted! The dishes your wife bought last month magically achieve sentience and your wife conceives a perverted lust for them, proceeding to "do" each of them in turn.
Though it does not usually happen these days, this is magical, so your cuckolding (and by chinaware no less) causes you to grow a large pair of horns. You and your skanky dish-doing wife can only get work at a particularly seedy circus sideshow.
I wish I could teleport.
*Bamph* You find yourself teleported to the aformentioned circus sideshow.
I wish that I could get my customers to leave me alone WHILE I work.
Granted! The dishes your wife bought last month magically achieve sentience and your wife conceives a perverted lust for them, proceeding to "do" each of them in turn.
Though it does not usually happen these days, this is magical, so your cuckolding (and by chinaware no less) causes you to grow a large pair of horns. You and your skanky dish-doing wife can only get work at a particularly seedy circus sideshow.
I wish I could teleport.
Granted! You manage your first teleport without mishap. You land in Area 51 only to realize that the power to teleport only works once. The rest of your life is spent as a lab rat.
I wish Disney could actually come up with some decent ideas for movies.
Granted! The dishes your wife bought last month magically achieve sentience and your wife conceives a perverted lust for them, proceeding to "do" each of them in turn.
Though it does not usually happen these days, this is magical, so your cuckolding (and by chinaware no less) causes you to grow a large pair of horns. You and your skanky dish-doing wife can only get work at a particularly seedy circus sideshow.
I wish I could teleport.
Granted! You manage your first teleport without mishap. You land in Area 51 only to realize that the power to teleport only works once. The rest of your life is spent as a lab rat.
I wish Disney could actually come up with some decent ideas for movies.
Done!!
no really it's done... Walt Disney could come up with good ideas(and some pretty messed up dirty sketches too) but he died and now they suck.
I wish my Hulu wouldn't freeze so much.
Granted! The IRS figures out you embezzled on the grant. They send the aforementioned Hamster, named 'Boo', to come and get the money. That's when you realize it's not the IRS, but the mob and their enforcers, led by a nut named 'Minsc'. They deliver your remains to Don Irenicus.
"MY BERSERKER STRENGTH HAS BENT DE BARS!"
Nice reference.
I wish negative numbers squared and square rooted to make negative numbers.
Granted, in doing so you demonstrate everything we thought we knew about our universe's physics is a lie, and so the next test of the Hadron Super Collider is done with erroneous data, bringing about the end of the world.
I wish to stop aging.
I wish to stop aging.
Granted - Time freezes for you and you alone. You do not age, but you cannot move or interact with the world. However, you still understand everything that goes on around you. This lack of participation slowly drives you mad - and that madness continues for all of eternity....
I wish I could write Batman comics.
I wish to stop aging.Granted - Time freezes for you and you alone. You do not age, but you cannot move or interact with the world. However, you still understand everything that goes on around you. This lack of participation slowly drives you mad - and that madness continues for all of eternity....
I wish I could write Batman comics.
Granted! Dan Didio personally invites you to write Batman comics. You write your first two books. The fans go ballistic at your stupendous writing. The first convention you attend you're torn to bits by those same rabid fans.
I wish I had Mjollnir.
I wish to stop aging.Granted - Time freezes for you and you alone. You do not age, but you cannot move or interact with the world. However, you still understand everything that goes on around you. This lack of participation slowly drives you mad - and that madness continues for all of eternity....
I wish I could write Batman comics.
Granted! Dan Didio personally invites you to write Batman comics. You write your first two books. The fans go ballistic at your stupendous writing. The first convention you attend you're torn to bits by those same rabid fans.
I wish I had Mjollnir.
Done!
It's sitting in the tool shed, as it turns out the legends were a bit of in its description, Mjollnir was actually a dainty little tack hammer, a pink little thing with daisys printed on it it's so cutsie that you would never be caught dead with such a thing.I wish that people could respect eachothers religious beleifs
I still wish more people knew Bolaug's contribution to the human race.
Granted - A sudden increase in knowledge of Bolaug's contributions to the human race leads to a radically quick enlightenment in all facets of human existence. The period of enlightenment sees mankind making incredible leaps in the arts and sciences. Fast, reliable space travel soon becomes a reality, and humans begin colonizing distant worlds.
Unfortunately, humanity's journeys among the stars attract the attention of a Borg-like race, which then proceeds to assimilate mankind into its collective.
I wish I could maintain the same pants size for the rest of my life.