What do you call a man hanging from a wall?

What do you call a man floating in the water?

What do you call a man lying on the floor?

So what do you call a man in a pile of leaves?

How do you get a one arm man out of a tree?

sheesh; these arent bad jokes; these are standards; want a bad joke; try "the purple polka dotted pinpong ball" or "Hooker and Snooker" or "Old Joe the Miner"

What do you call a woman drifting down the river?

What do Jedi order at Chinese resturants?

What do you call a man stuffed in a mailbox?

There were two peanuts walking down the street one was assaulted and one was not.

One night a turtle was mugged by two snails. When the police came and asked what happened the turtle said "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Why are elephants big, gray, and wrinkly?

How do you tell an elephant from a grape?

What happens when you pass an elephant?

What washes up on microscopic beaches?

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Hey, you said they were supposed to be really bad ....

What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So a blonde was driving a car past a police speed trap and the policeman noticed she was weaving all over the road worse than any drunk driver he ever saw; he chased after her and pulled along side and believe it or not; she was knitting while driving.

He turned on his lights and shouted at her " PUll OVER"
she shouted back; "no, it's a scarf"

Did you hear? Late last night a man was found dead in a bathtub filled with milk, cornflakes, and sugar. Police think it was a cereal killer.

So a blonde was driving a car past a police speed trap and the policeman noticed she was weaving all over the road worse than any drunk driver he ever saw; he chased after her and pulled along side and believe it or not; she was knitting while driving.

He turned on his lights and shouted at her " PUll OVER"
she shouted back; "no, it's a scarf"

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least
five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead
that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from
skipping."

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are in a high speed chase trying to escape a cop. Seeing a barn up ahead, the stop, go into the barn and get into three different bags. The cop follows them and, thinking they might be hiding in the bags, nudges the one with the brunette in it with his shoe. She says 'meow' and the cop says "Sorry cat," and moves on. He nudges the next bag, the one with the red head. The red head says 'woof' and he says "Sorry dog." Now, the cop is feeling a bit angry because he thinks the three women got away, so he kicks the bag containing the blonde. She says "Potatoes!"

Two blondes came out of a theatre one night and saw the full moon. One says to the other "what do you think is closer, the moon or Florida?" "Duh ... you can see the moon."

Why do seagulls fly by the sea?

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs ?

What do you call a deer with horns?

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was, "If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She
thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

What do you call a dog with no legs?

So what do you do with a dog with no legs?

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Two men(Man A and Man B) are sitting at a bar. Man B says he can jump off a 30 story building and live. Thinking Man B a fool(and being a little drunk), Man A takes the bet. The go to the top of a 30 story building and Man B jumps off. A few minutes later, the door to the roof opens and Man B walks through it without a single scratch anywhere on him. "How in the world did you do that?" Man A asks Man B.

"Well" he says, "the wind slowed me down so much I was able to land on my feet without getting hurt."

So Man A leaps off the building to his death, and Man B goes back to the bar. Moments later, a suicide is reported over the police radio. The bartender turns to Man B and says "Superman, you're a jerk when you're drunk."

How many to change a lightbulb jokes

Xabulba wrote:

How many to change a lightbulb jokes

As I clearly stated here, I don't believe in light bulbs. They are an emotional crutch used by weak minded individuals who are incapable of accepting the darkness.

Este era un pollito que va a la Casa Blanca y le pide ver al presidente, a lo cual le responden: No se puede en este momento pollito, el presidente esta en Ohio. Y el pollito responde: Conmigo?

What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school?

How does a blond turn on the light after having sex?

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are to be executed.
The brunette gets dragged in front of the firing squad first, and thinks fast. She waits for the "Ready... Aim..." and then yells "Tornado!" Everyone panics and she escapes.
The redhead is next, she follows the brunette's lead. "Ready... aim..." and she yells "Typhoon!"
The blonde is the last one left. She has the hang of this by now. "Ready... aim..." and she yells "Fire!"

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Whynot?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here", she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says,'Do Not disturb'!".

How many babysitters does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many bees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How many <insert group you want to flame> does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Have you heard the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

A dog walks into a fax shop, takes a sheet of paper and writes "Woof woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof woof." and hands it to the lady. She says, "You can put one more 'woof' on here for free...". The dog looks at her and says, "But that wouldn't make any sense."

How did Captain Hook die?

How many <Austinites/gamers/hipsters/etc> does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

How many bees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

** spoiler omitted **

Este era un pollito que va a la Casa Blanca y le pide ver al presidente, a lo cual le responden: No se puede en este momento pollito, el presidente esta en Ohio. Y el pollito responde: Conmigo?

My Spanish is a little rusty...

Hugo Solis wrote:

Este era un pollito que va a la Casa Blanca y le pide ver al presidente, a lo cual le responden: No se puede en este momento pollito, el presidente esta en Ohio. Y el pollito responde: Conmigo?

Did I get this right?

** spoiler omitted **

My Spanish is a little rusty...

How many adventurers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hugo Solis wrote:

Este era un pollito que va a la Casa Blanca y le pide ver al presidente, a lo cual le responden: No se puede en este momento pollito, el presidente esta en Ohio. Y el pollito responde: Conmigo?

Did I get this right?

** spoiler omitted **

My Spanish is a little rusty...

:P

Pollito = chick but as an actual chick, nor a girl (don't ask). Esta en Ohio sounds likes "Its Angry" in Spanish.

A group of blondes enters a bar in obvious good cheer. They are boisterous throughtout the night and buy a lot of drinks. After a while they break into a cheer of "TWO WEEKS!" "TWO WEEKS" and start giving eachother high-fives.

When one of the blondes orders another drink the bartender asks what they are celebrating. The blonde replies that they just assembled a jig-saw puzzle.

Stunned, the bartender asks "it took you two weeks to put a puzzle together and you think that is reason to celebrate?"

The blonde indignantly responds:

Why doesn't Texas slide into the Gulf of Mexico?

Two men walk into a bar.

Two blondes jump into a bus. One of them asks the driver:

"Hey Mister, will I get to the Main Street by this bus ?"

"Sure", replies the driver.

"How about me ?", asks the other blonde.