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"I'm going to get tattooed tomorrow. I like getting tattoos. They seal off my pores from the world. It's like a coat to put on. You are showing less of yourself. Giving less of yourself to them. This is good. Most people don't like tattoos. They say stupid things like 'Won't you regret that in 20 years?' I'd regret a wife and kids more. Tattoos are permanent. They stay on for life. They make you say something. I am no longer a Caucasian. My skin is white, black, green, red, purple, yellow, etc.. I am a minority."
- Henry Rollins, February 17, 1985
Nightcrawler: You know, outside the circus, most people were afraid of me. But I didn't hate them. I pitied them. Do you know why? Because most people will never know anything beyond what they see with their own two eyes.
Storm: Well, I gave up on pity a long time ago.
Nightcrawler: Someone so beautiful should not be so angry.
Storm: Sometimes anger can help you survive.
Nightcrawler: So can faith.
Wolverine: (to Hisako) Quit whining, kid. I got eaten today.
Beast: Yes, about that...
Wolverine: Forget it.
Beast: I can't begin to apologize.
Wolverine: Pfft! That's what friends are for.
Beast: I'm fairly certain it's not.
"I am the flying saucer man from another world trapped on yours until they come to rescue me. One day the saucer will land. Jimi Hendrix and John Coltrane will open the hatch and tell me to get in before someone tries to blow up the ship. I'll just ask what took them so long. Within seconds, we'll be out of here."
- Henry Rollins
"Some say that Savannah is the most haunted city in the U.S. What most o' y'all don't know is that there are two kinds of spirits here. You drink too much of the first kind, and you start seein' the second."
- Sarah Jones~LAUGHTER~ True! So very true!
(yes, I live in Savannah, GA!)
Hooray for no open-container laws.
Surely you jest? The teen populace of the world is not that stupid.
You might be surprised at how stupid people can be... I work in a bookstore and I have heard some really dumb things from teens...and adults.
One day this older woman came in looking for a bible for her grandaughter but she wanted one in English. Taken aback I showed her the section with bibles and tried to get a little clarification.
Me: "...All of our Bibles are in English."
Customer: "What about this one?"
Me: "Yes. Like I said they all are."
Customer: puts Bible back on shelf. "That one wasn't right."
Me: Huh!?
Customer: "I need one in English--Not the old Jewish."
Me: Huh!?
Customer: "It had the thee's and thous--I need one in English"
Me: Huh!? "That's not Hebrew, that's old English.
Customer: "Oh, whatever."
And speaking of religious folks there was the mother and daughter looking at bookmarks back when Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe came out.
Daughter: "Ooh Narnia. Look mom the white witch."
Mother: Slaps daughter's hand "Put that down. I don't abide that devil stuff." Turns to me. "I don't know why they make that trash. It goes against God." she gives me this look like: You look smart, I know you'll agree with my point of view.
Me: Huh!? "Actually C.S. Lewis was a Christian writer and the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe is an allegory for the bible." (Crap I just used "allegory")
Mother: "Exactly it goes right against the bible."
As for Fiction / Non-fiction I have to explain the difference on a daily basis.
Oh, god, I'm having flashbacks to like, a week or two ago.
(I work at a library during the summer)
Here's one:
Elderly library patron: "What's the difference between an audiobook and a book on tape?"
Also, the library has begun to stock music CDs. Ergo, you get stuff like this:
Teenage library patron: "Oh, my mom has this on... uh... what are those big round black things that you play on the... thing... uh..."
Me: "Records?
Teenage library patron: "Something like that."
"Start pretending to have fun, and you might even have a little by accident."
- Alfred Pennyworth
"I started off as Alfie - now I'm older, and they call me Alfred."
- Michael Caine
"McCain won't invade China. It's a red state."
- Carlos Mencia
"Base 8 is just like base 10, really. If you're missing two fingers!"
- Tom Lehrer
"THE PHONES! THROW THEM AT THAT GUY!"
- Nathan Explosion
Teenage library patron: "Oh, my mom has this on... uh... what are those big round black things that you play on the... thing... uh..."
When I was teaching remedial 9th graders, I had a record player in my classroom. One day a large group of kids were gathered around it, trying to figure out what it was. Finally one kid said, "I know what that is! It's a instrument! It makes a noise like whih-whih-whih!"
When I explained that it used to be used for playing records, rather than just scratching them, one of the more technically-gifted youngsters asked, "so where does the laser come out?"
I'm getting flashbacks to my days working at Tower Records. One of my managers regaled us with tales of CD returns when they were first released. A woman came in to return a "faulty" CD. The manager asked her what the problem was.
"Oh, it sounds great, but the needle on my turntable keeps sliding off of it. I don't think the grooves are deep enough."
Some of my favorite quotes come from Casablanca. That whole script is full of quotes and the best of the best has made its way into daily popular culture. Some that I find particularly amusing/good:
Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.
---
Captain Louis Renault (Claude Rains)
What in heaven's name brought you to Casablanca?
Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)
My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters.
Captain Louis Renault (Claude Rains)
The waters? What waters? We're in the desert!
Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)
I was misinformed.
---
RICK
How can you close me up? On what grounds?
RENAULT
I am shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!
CROUPIER
Your winnings, sir.
RENAULT
Oh. Thank you very much.
---
RICK
I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us we both know you belong with Victor. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it.
ILSA
No.
RICK
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.
Teenage library patron: "Oh, my mom has this on... uh... what are those big round black things that you play on the... thing... uh..."When I was teaching remedial 9th graders, I had a record player in my classroom. One day a large group of kids were gathered around it, trying to figure out what it was. Finally one kid said, "I know what that is! It's a instrument! It makes a noise like whih-whih-whih!"
When I explained that it used to be used for playing records, rather than just scratching them, one of the more technically-gifted youngsters asked, "so where does the laser come out?"
Wow. That is truly impressive.
"You're not a musician! You're a record-player-player!"
- Henry Rollins
(At a job interview)
Me (to seven interviewers): Do you have any more questions for me?
Interviewer 7: You're kind of fat. How's your health?
Me (to the six other interviewers): Well, now that you're all afraid of a lawsuit, let's discuss my salary.
(Yeah, I know the quotes thread is for funny things that other people say, but I make myself laugh sometimes.)
"This room is green. I liked the blue one better."
- Kazan, 'Cube'"Bullets! My only weakness! How did you know?"
- Cop, 'Harold and Kumar go to White Castle'
Two great movies!
Anyone who knows where this line is from wins a no prize.
"Do sit down, Sergeant. Shocks are so much better absorbed with the knees bent."
"What we've got here is failure to communicate.
Some men you just can't reach...
So, you get what we had here last week,
which is the way he wants it!
Well, he gets it!
N' I don't like it any more than you men."
What we got here is a failrue to speak Bilingually.
(sketch form the third season of SNL.)
"Paizo smells like awesome..." -Jason Beardsley, these boards
That just made my day happy, had to put it here for safekeeping.
What are the lessons to be learned from this journey of the mind? That humans are emotionally fragile, perennially gullible, hopelessly ignorant masters of an insignificantly small speck in the cosmos. Have a nice day.
--Neil deGrasse Tyson, Seeing Isn't Believing (from Death By Black Hole)
The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown
--Carl Sagan
The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown
--Carl Sagan
I love that quote.
"No one dresses up like a mime and embarasses ME at my daughter's Bat Mitzvah!"
- Vince Vaughn in "Starsky and Hutch"
"It's as easy as a walk in the cake."
- Alex Durkota
"We got an old sayin' in West Texas. 'Fool me once... uh... shame on... shame on you? ... Fool me, can't get fooled again."
- George W. Bush
''What torments mankind is not the facts, but the opinions that are held about the facts."
-- Epictetus
It is not sufficient that I succeed. Everyone else must fail.
--Genghis Khan
I love power. But it is as an artist that I love it. I love it as a musician loves his violin, to draw out its sounds and chords and harmonies.
--Napoleon Bonaparte
In Beverly Hills ... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
-- Woody Allen
Ignorance killed the cat, sir. Curiosity was framed.
--C.J. Cherryh
We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
--Robert Wilensky, University of California
"I went to this private school ... and as seniors, we got a quarter page for our photo, and a little thing that, you know, stated our goals for the future. ... Mine said 'World terrorization', and ripping off Ted Nugent, 'symptoms: total Gonzolitis'. And you know what, I am the only one of those kids who KEPT HIS PROMISE."
- Henry Rollins
"Soon I discovered that this rock thing was true... Jerry Lee Lewis was the Devil, Jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet. All of a sudden, I found myself in love with the world, and so there was only one thing that I could do... was ding-a-ding-dang my dang-a-long-ling-long..."
- Ministry, "Jesus Built My Hotrod"
