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"My fellow citizens, it is my patriotic duty to inform you of some disturbing facts about my opponent. Are you aware of the fact that the Senator is a known Sexagenarian? He is a flagrant Homo Sapiens, who for years has been practicing celibacy all by himself. He has been seen on repeated occasions masticating in public restaurants, and even vacillated once on the Senate floor! In fact, your senator is a confessed heterosexual who advocates and even participates in social intercourse in mixed company. He habitually visits the YMCA, where he frequently engages in abdominal exercises, while at the golf course he perpetrates horrible lies. His very home is a den of propinquity. The place is suffused with an atmosphere of incense, and there, in the privacy of his own residence, he practices nepotism and extroversion with members of his own family."
"Now, let's take a close look at the salubrious acts committed by the members of the Senator's family:"
"It is a controvertible fact that his father, who died of a degenerative disease, made his money publishing phonographic magazines and distributing pamphlets about horticulture."
"His money was a known equestrienne who who nouirished colts on her country estate and practiced her diversions out in the field."
"His daughter, who is powerfully attracted to sects, is a well-known proselyte, who accosts lay people outside of churches."
Not surprisingly another daughter pursues a hortative life and offers advice filled with hoary platitudes."
"His son matriculates openly at Harvard and is a member of an all-male sextet."
"For many years his sister was employed as a floorwalker, and she practiced her calling in some of our city's best department stores."
"His brother was known to consort with numismatists and philatelists and spent three years living in a Buddhist colony."
"His uncle, a purveyor of used condominiums, goes to movies almost every night and has turned into a heroine addict."
"His aunt is so susceptible to moral suasion that she has been pushing for oral hygeine in our schools."
"And at this very moment the Senator's wife is off in wicked New York living the life of a Thespian and performing her histrionic acts before paying customers!"
"Now I ask you. Do you want a man with such an explicable and veracious reputation occupying public office and setting an example for our youth, who under hi influence might convert to altruism? Clearly a vote for my opponent is a vote for the perpetuation of all we hold dear. A vote for me is a vote for the very antithesis of the American way."
- George Smathers
A wretched soul, bruised with adversity,
We bid be quiet when we hear it cry;
But were we burdened with like weight of pain,
As much or more we should ourselves complain.
-William Shakespeare
All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsion, habit, reason, passion, and desire.
-Aristotle
Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Educate your children to self-control, to the habit of holding passion and prejudice and evil tendencies subject to an upright and reasoning will, and you have done much to abolish misery from their future and crimes from society.
-Benjamin Franklin
We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.
"How long could we maintain? I wondered. How long until one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family; will he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? If so, well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere, 'cause it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency and they'll run us down like dogs. Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?"
"We were right in the middle of a f&!#ing reptile zoo! And somebody was giving booze to these g+% d$$n things! It wont be long now, before they tear us to shreds."
~Hunter S. Thompson
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.
Then we tried to remove the tusks. The tusks. That's not so easy to say. Tusks.
You try it some time. As I say, we tried to remove the tusks. But they were embedded so firmly we couldn't budge them.
Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, but that is entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about.
-Groucho in Animal crackers
"My fellow citizens, it is my patriotic duty to inform you of some disturbing facts about my opponent. Are you aware of the fact that the Senator is a known Sexagenarian? He is a flagrant Homo Sapiens, who for years has been practicing celibacy all by himself. He has been seen on repeated occasions masticating in public restaurants, and even vacillated once on the Senate floor! In fact, your senator is a confessed heterosexual who advocates and even participates in social intercourse in mixed company. He habitually visits the YMCA, where he frequently engages in abdominal exercises, while at the golf course he perpetrates horrible lies. His very home is a den of propinquity. The place is suffused with an atmosphere of incense, and there, in the privacy of his own residence, he practices nepotism and extroversion with members of his own family."
"Now, let's take a close look at the salubrious acts committed by the members of the Senator's family:"
"It is a controvertible fact that his father, who died of a degenerative disease, made his money publishing phonographic magazines and distributing pamphlets about horticulture."
"His money was a known equestrienne who who nouirished colts on her country estate and practiced her diversions out in the field."
"His daughter, who is powerfully attracted to sects, is a well-known proselyte, who accosts lay people outside of churches."
Not surprisingly another daughter pursues a hortative life and offers advice filled with hoary platitudes."
"His son matriculates openly at Harvard and is a member of an all-male sextet."
"For many years his sister was employed as a floorwalker, and she practiced her calling in some of our city's best department stores."
"His brother was known to consort with numismatists and philatelists and spent three years living in a Buddhist colony."
"His uncle, a purveyor of used condominiums, goes to movies almost every night and has turned into a heroine addict."
"His aunt is so susceptible to moral suasion that she has been pushing...
That's bloody brilliant.
When asked by a reporter, "What do you think of western civilization?"
Gandhi replied, "I think it would be a great idea."
and my personal favorite...the line that got me fired from my last job.....
customer: don't you get smart with me...
me: ma'am, I wouldn't get smart with you because I don't think you'd understand
Overheard in a bookstore today (appropriately enough, I was in the fantasy books section which is near the fiction section).
High School Girl 1: Fiction means really true, right?
High School Girl 2: Ummm. ... yeah.PAUSE
High School Girl 1: OH MY GOD! The Bourne Supremacy really happened!! I thought that was just a movie.
Oh. My. God. We're doomed!
"Does anyone else think this tea tastes funny?"
-Socrates
Howie Mandell?
"glub glub glub. Ok. Great. Now how'd the trial go?"
-Socrates
"Oh its Socrates this! And Socrates that! And Socrates what shall we have for dinner, but no one ever said, Socrates! Hemlock is poisonous!"
- Howie Mandell as Socrates
"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it..."
- attributed to Voltaire by Beatrice Hall
"Monsieur l'abbé, I detest what you write, but I would give my life to make it possible for you to continue to write."
- Voltaire in a letter to M. le Riche, Feb. 6, 1770.
"I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study
mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce and agriculture in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain."
- John Adams
“A society that will trade a little liberty for a little order will lose both, and deserve neither.”
- Thomas Jefferson
"Does anyone else think this tea tastes funny?"
-SocratesHowie Mandell?
I'd never.
Actually I was thinking closer to Val Kilmer's character Chris Knight in the 1985 classic Real Genius.
"In the immortal words of Socrates, 'I drank what?'"
Here's a freebie.
Chris: "Kent puts his name on his license plate."
Mitch: "My mom does the same thing to my underwear."
Chris: "Your mom puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?"
"It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favour of vegetarianism while the wolf remains of a different opinion."
--Dean Inge
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"Sometimes I really think people ought to have to pass a proper exam before they're allowed to be parents. Not just the practical, I mean."
--Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time
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You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline — it helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
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"We, Norton I, do hereby decree that the offices of President, Vice President, and Speaker of the House of Representatives are, from and after this date, abolished."
-- Emperor Joshua A. Norton, First Emperor of the United States, Protector of Mexico
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"This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!!"
-- not John Goodman as Walter in the TV edit of The Big Lebowski
"This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!!"
-- not John Goodman as Walter in the TV edit of The Big Lebowski"Shut the front door, Donny!"
-- not John Goodman as Walter in the TV edit of The Big Lebowski
Somewhere there are very sheltered people sitting around, watching badly edited movies like this, and having very interesting conversations about what the actual meaning of lines like that are...
"When I was a kid I prayed for God to give me a bicycle. Then I found out God didn't work that way, so I stole a bike and then prayed to God to forgive me." -- Emo Phillips