Chuck Norris once got into a knife fight.
The knife lost.

Chuck Norris is so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Young ninjas want to be like Chuck Norris when they grow up.
But instead they just grow up to be killed by Chuck Norris.

If in some bizzare alternate reality Chuck Norris fought Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris would win, period.

One time, Chuck Norris tried wearing glasses, but all he could see was the back of his head.

There are stars at night because the moon leaves a night light on 'cause it's afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once went in to a Burger King and ordered a Big Mac, and got it.

The only thing to fear is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once threw a kick so hard it ripped a hole in time and space, went back in time and accidently killed Amilia Eirheart.

The Bermuda Triangle isn't cursed, Chuck Norris just doesn't like when planes fly over his bath tub.

One time, Chuck Norris tried wearing glasses, but all he could see was the back of his head.

Now see I heard the glasses died from the fear his stare caused. ;)

Those are really good, Moorluck. I especially like the bathtub one.

Those are really good, Moorluck. I especially like the bathtub one.

I have posters hanging up in my living room with like 50 of those on 'em.

Chuck Norris has never blamed Sebastien for anything.

Chuck Norris did this

Humps Chuck Norris' leg.

Down from the heavens decended Chuck Norris

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris did in fact build Rome in a day.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity... twice.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, He decides what time it is.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun.

And won.

Chuck Norris does not own an oven, a stove, or a microwave because revenge is a dish best served cold.

When Chuck Norris was born only the doctor cried.... NEVER slap Chuck Norris.

There is no such thing as Global Warming, Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time can cause blindness, and foot-sized bruises on the face.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could Chuck Norris?
ALL OF IT!!

When Chuck Norris wants coffee he grinds the beans with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris doesn't style his hair, it lies still out of terror.

Chuck Norris can smell fear. He can also taste lies.

If at first you don't succeed, then you're not Chuck Norris.

Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the Richter scale.

Chuck Norris can crush facts with his bare opinions.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have to leap to conclusions. He just sits there and conclusions leap to him.

Chuck Norris thinks homosexuality is a choice, but his oiled, bare chest isn’t so sure.

The chemical formula for the cyanide ion is CN-, these are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is NOT a coincidence.

My first master was Bob Montgomery, a former stunt double for Chuck Norris. I love this stuff ;)

Chuck Norris thinks homosexuality is a choice...

...but who wouldn't want some lovin' from him?

Chuck Norris can kick through all six degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, DON'T ask him for his "three hole punch".

Chuck Norris can in fact "raise the roof", and he can do it with one hand!

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't stupid enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris doesn't teabag women... He potato-sacks them!!

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but he's a verb as well.

Chuck Norris can beat the odds. With his fist.

Chuck Norris knows everything... except the definition of mercy.

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper.

Chuck Norris beats all three at the same time.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just doesn't like trailer parks.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "Who has more testicles" contest...

Chuck Norris won by 5.