This not your friendly neighborhood imperfect Paizo fan (what that . . . me am being asked not to use "friendly neighborhood" by chubby man named Joe because he has legal stuff written in blue Krytonite ink? Me love fat Joey . . . him my favorite Editor in Chief).

Me am not asking you to ask Bizarro your most intimate questions, to that me can give you the worst advice Bizarro can think of. Don't ask Bizarro anything, and him not answer.

Me am not looking forward to your questions.

This not your friendly neighborhood imperfect Paizo fan (what that . . . me am being asked not to use "friendly neighborhood" by chubby man named Joe because he has legal stuff written in blue Krytonite ink? Me love fat Joey . . . him my favorite Editor in Chief).

Me am not asking you to ask Bizarro your most intimate questions, to that me can give you the worst advice Bizarro can think of. Don't ask Bizarro anything, and him not answer.

Me am not looking forward to your questions.

I'm thinking of dying my hair fire engine red. I'm totally 18 months ago with this shade, and I need a change. I know I can't just simply do a quick bleach job and simple perma color (sans peroxide, of course). Jumping the shade ship between charred espresso to light cabernet is serious buisiness, and I don't want to fall into the drink!

The redo would surely change my overall look from a "winter" to an "autumn" or maybe even a "spring"! My question to you: How can I ease my winter color coded wardrobe into step with my new hair color, and not come out looking like a total fashion disasterpiece? For reference, I have green eyes and fair skin.

Thank you,

Keely

Bizarro not sad to hear that your hair is dying. Every time a hair dyes, a monkey gets its wings.

Bizarro not love to smell of hair dye. Bizarro not spend hours using super breath to inhale the pungent fumes from beauty salon. Bizarro not smell so much hair chemical that his nosehair now same color as Lois Lane's hair.

Bizarro not currently under restraining order.

Bizarro think that you am definitely having hair in spring and fall, because it not get chilly at night and it keep you neck warm.

Bizarro hope this not help at all.

Dear BizzaroPaizoFanNumber1,

I have this rash on my scalp that is in the shape of the Eiffel Tower. What could it be?

Dear BizzaroPaizoFanNumber1,

How does one get a cats embryonic fluids, urine, poop and blood out of a white suede couch cushion?

Dear BizzaroPaizoFanNumber1,

I have this rash on my scalp that is in the shape of the Eiffel Tower. What could it be?

Bizarro am thinking it one of three things:

3. You am reincarnated engineer that work on Eiffel Tower when it created thousands of years ago, and you am subcon . . . subconci . . . unknowingly scratching this patter to remind yourself of your past greatness . . . or you are repressing that you used to be French.

5. You am not actually having a rash shaped like the Eiffel Tower, but you am seeing something that am making you think of the Eiffel Tower. To make sure of this you am wanting to shave off all of your hair to get a better look at your rash.

Bizarro am hoping this not help you at all.

Dear BizzaroPaizoFanNumber1,

How does one get a cats embryonic fluids, urine, poop and blood out of a white suede couch cushion?

Bizarro am not recommending heat breath to burn the fluids out. Fire not always the best solution to any problem.

How does one acheive world domination?

There was an Ask The Hulk column that was about half as clever as this one. Go, Bizarro!

Oh yes, my question. I took an online test that informed me I would die at age 71 of heart disease or bowel toughness. I think the test was a load, but just in case it's accurate... being that I just shot past the point of celebrating a true mid-life crisis, do I get to start one even though I'm late, dating high school seniors and buying a new motorcycle, or should I just pipe down, know that no longer will the mermaids sing their songs for me, and learn to sip my veggies through a straw?

Dear Bizarro,

I'm looking for the perfect summer dessert to serve my weekend guests. I'd like it to be something light, and not too rich. Of course, everyone is watching their weight this time of year, so it should be diet-friendly as well. Do you have any recipes you could share?

~Frantic party host, Celestia, the Outer Planes

Bizarro, thank you for taking time out from your busy schedule. I don't want to add to your growing burden of questions, but... help!

I get confused when chosing a wine. Do I stick to the old "white with chicken or fish, and red with beef or lamb" or do I try something more daring like selecting a bold wine when the food is tame or a sublime wine with more zesty food? Some people tell me just pick what I like regardless of the meal choice. Whatever am I to do?

Thirsty Winenoob

How does one acheive world domination?

So Lex, him say, "Bizarro, do you know why I want to rule the world?"

Bizarro say yes, even though Bizarro in retrospect realize this probably rhetorical question.

"Because little Lex hasn't been taking marching orders, and world domination is more fun than viagra."

Bizarro swear this am not true story.

Bizarro hope this not helpful in the least.

Dear Bizarro,

I have a cough that I can't seem to shake. It keeps me awake at night. What should I do?

There was an Ask The Hulk column that was about half as clever as this one. Go, Bizarro!

Oh yes, my question. I took an online test that informed me I would die at age 71 of heart disease or bowel toughness. I think the test was a load, but just in case it's accurate... being that I just shot past the point of celebrating a true mid-life crisis, do I get to start one even though I'm late, dating high school seniors and buying a new motorcycle, or should I just pipe down, know that no longer will the mermaids sing their songs for me, and learn to sip my veggies through a straw?

Bizarro am not thinking of mid life crisis. Me not am thinking of hooking up with hotie from nursing home and buying moped. Bizarro not wild and crazy like that.

Bizarro thinking that online test completely accurate and trustworthy. Internet not full of accurate information. Me especially not like website that explained how Kennedy was assassinated by aliens upset over JFK distancing himself from Frank Sinatra. Aliens not big fans of Old Blue Eyes.

Bizarro hope this of no use to you.

Dear Bizarro,

I'm looking for the perfect summer dessert to serve my weekend guests. I'd like it to be something light, and not too rich. Of course, everyone is watching their weight this time of year, so it should be diet-friendly as well. Do you have any recipes you could share?

~Frantic party host, Celestia, the Outer Planes

Me am hoping this information is useless.

Bizarro, thank you for taking time out from your busy schedule. I don't want to add to your growing burden of questions, but... help!

I get confused when chosing a wine. Do I stick to the old "white with chicken or fish, and red with beef or lamb" or do I try something more daring like selecting a bold wine when the food is tame or a sublime wine with more zesty food? Some people tell me just pick what I like regardless of the meal choice. Whatever am I to do?

Thirsty Winenoob

Bizarro am hoping this not help.

Dear Bizarro,

I have a cough that I can't seem to shake. It keeps me awake at night. What should I do?

So Bizarro not pass on friendly hint. Cough am made of air. Not able to be touched, unless air supercooled and allowed to turn to a fluid, at which point you am not able to pick it up and shake it. So me guess you not able to shake cough afterall.

Bizarro confused now.

Bizarro hope this not resolve situation for you.

Bizarro hope this of no use to you.

Bizarro not suggest you ignore wine. Bizarro say not do what old Russian fighter pilots did and try vodka and jet fuel. Plus, jet fuel not help others know what it like to have heat breath. Bizarro not sure that Project Cadmus close to cloning organs, so you am not worried about shutting down kidneys.

Bizarro am hoping this not help.

Dear Bizaro:

How can I convince my subjects that I am a good and benevolent ruler and not some pompous, out of date figurehead?

His royal highness,
King of Paizovania

Dear Bizarro,

What is the correct pronunciation of "Paizo?" I have a meeting soon, and I live in fear that this will come up.

I'd appreciate your discretion in this matter.

Dear Bizarro,

I am considering a career change. I have a very good job now and my boss and coworkers are very nice people, but I am not making enough money to keep my family out of debt. Since I never managed to complete college and earn my degree, are there any career fields that I might be qualified for that I should consider looking into?

Thanks!

Bizzaro:

Do you have any influence in Nigeria? I ask because some guys there promised me a lot of money in exchange for: my bank info, nude pictures of Bea Arthur, and any scabs that might have fallen off of my cat. But I don't have a cat.

Does this mean they gave my money to someone who has a cat?
(I also want the pictures back)

Dear Bizaro:

How can I convince my subjects that I am a good and benevolent ruler and not some pompous, out of date figurehead?

His royal highness,
King of Paizovania

You am also not needing cuddly pet. Bizarro am not thinking an octopus might be nice.

This am Bizarro hoping your day not go well.

Dear Bizarro,

What is the correct pronunciation of "Paizo?" I have a meeting soon, and I live in fear that this will come up.

I'd appreciate your discretion in this matter.

Bizarro certain Paizo obscure word from ancient Messopotomus culture. The P is silent, the ai am pronounced "czh" and the o am pronounced o, but when capitalized it am having the "vl" sound added. So it am pronounced Vlczho . . . or maybe like pudding, but with umlots.

Bizarro am not hoping that him grammatically helpful.

Dear Bizarro,

I am considering a career change. I have a very good job now and my boss and coworkers are very nice people, but I am not making enough money to keep my family out of debt. Since I never managed to complete college and earn my degree, are there any career fields that I might be qualified for that I should consider looking into?

Thanks!

Legion of Doom Job Postings

Bizarro hope this not helpful at all. Bizarro also not entitled to cut of first bonus check if this work out.

Bizzaro:

Do you have any influence in Nigeria? I ask because some guys there promised me a lot of money in exchange for: my bank info, nude pictures of Bea Arthur, and any scabs that might have fallen off of my cat. But I don't have a cat.

Does this mean they gave my money to someone who has a cat?
(I also want the pictures back)

But Bizarro say this, even if this not legitimate, am there any reason to part with nude pictures of Bea Arthur. Now, Bizarro not understand nude pictures of Estelle Getty, but we am not talking about Bea Arthur. Money only go so far.

As Bizarro not say earlier, kitties pop sometimes, so many people missing kitties.

Bizarro off to Nigeria to get nude pictures of Bea Arthur. Me not hope this reply illuminate darkened depths of soul.

Bizzaro:

Do you have any influence in Nigeria? I ask because some guys there promised me a lot of money in exchange for: my bank info, nude pictures of Bea Arthur, and any scabs that might have fallen off of my cat. But I don't have a cat.

Does this mean they gave my money to someone who has a cat?
(I also want the pictures back)

Aberzombie wrote:

Dear BizzaroPaizoFanNumber1,

I have this rash on my scalp that is in the shape of the Eiffel Tower. What could it be?

This am type of question Bizarro hate to answer. Really horrible question, Bizarro not thank you for asking it.

Bizarro am thinking it one of three things:

3. You am reincarnated engineer that work on Eiffel Tower when it created thousands of years ago, and you am subcon . . . subconci . . . unknowingly scratching this patter to remind yourself of your past greatness . . . or you are repressing that you used to be French.

5. You am not actually having a rash shaped like the Eiffel Tower, but you am seeing something that am making you think of the Eiffel Tower. To make sure of this you am wanting to shave off all of your hair to get a better look at your rash.

Bizarro am hoping this not help you at all.

It am should not be "3 of 1 things." What for you am not talk forwards two?

Thank you very much for correcting Bizarro (that should show fuzzy dog man)!

Dear Bizarro,

A werewolf friend of mine, let's call him "Geathy", is forever overstaying his welcome at my house. He doesn't seem to understand that when I go to bed, sleep for 8 hours, get up, shower, and leave for work, he really ought to have left. He also sheds on the furniture and last weekend he left a "present" in my slippers.

He also tends to drive away my other guests by making love to their legs.

I don't want a confrontation, but how do I tell my ungrateful guest that his behavior is not acceptable?

Yours,
Wolf-slayer

Dear Bizarro,

A werewolf friend of mine, let's call him "Geathy", is forever overstaying his welcome at my house. He doesn't seem to understand that when I go to bed, sleep for 8 hours, get up, shower, and leave for work, he really ought to have left. He also sheds on the furniture and last weekend he left a "present" in my slippers.

He also tends to drive away my other guests by making love to their legs.

I don't want a confrontation, but how do I tell my ungrateful guest that his behavior is not acceptable?

Yours,
Wolf-slayer

First, Bizarro not suggest you enroll fuzzy dog man who am not man that make fun of Bizarro grammer in Underverse Grammar School, so him not know what him talking about when he am correcting grammer.

Bizarro never leave present in wonderful friend Lex's slippers when him stay over (of course Bizarro not only stay over when Lex ties up Bizarro with blue kryptonite chains and not make Bizarro watch old Spice Girls videos to make him more pliable).

(Bizarro not digress, but who does not want the Spice Girls to get back together. What am up with that?)

Anyway, rolled up newspaper to nose not do the trick.

Bizarro hope this am not helping much.

Dear Mister Bizarro,

My love-life has fizzled! I want to try new things with my wife but she doesn't want to do the things I am suggesting. I mean, damn! It's only a bit of rope, a few dozen clothespins, and a shaved rabid weasel! What's her deal!
Please, Mr. Bizarro help me. How do I talk my wife into letting me try new things?

with parts of me matching your complexion,
FH

Dear Mister Bizarro,

My love-life has fizzled! I want to try new things with my wife but she doesn't want to do the things I am suggesting. I mean, damn! It's only a bit of rope, a few dozen clothespins, and a shaved rabid weasel! What's her deal!
Please, Mr. Bizarro help me. How do I talk my wife into letting me try new things?

with parts of me matching your complexion,
FH

Bizarro wife not like everything that wife does not! Bizarro wife not love shaved weasels! Bizarro wife not love ropes and clothespins. Bizarro wife not love to ignore personal grooming, bathing, scratching in public, and shaving various parts of body!

This am imperfect solution!

Every man should not have Bizarro Wife! Bizarro am not thinking of marketing idea.

Bizarro am hoping this does you no good.

Dear Bizarro,

I am jealous of your great complexion. As you can see mine is rather mettalic, and I was wondering if I could get it to look more like yours. What is your secret?

Bizarro am not hoping that him grammatically helpful.

Have you, by any chance, ever played poker with Wil Wheaton?

And how do you feel about giant brains in jars?

I realize these aren't technically "advice" questions, but I think your answers would help us get to know you better.

Dear Bizarro,

I am jealous of your great complexion. As you can see mine is rather mettalic, and I was wondering if I could get it to look more like yours. What is your secret?

It am not simple. All you need do is damage RNA brining genetic information to the receptors that put in place proteins making up physical structures of the body. Bizarro RNA is not what known in the genetics industry as FUBAR.

Bizarro not know what FUBAR mean, but it make Bizarro not think about candy bar. Bizarro not really hungry now. Bizarro go look for king sized FUBAR.

Bizarro hope this am not helpful.

BizarroPaizoFanNumber1 wrote:

Bizarro am not hoping that him grammatically helpful.

Yes, Bizarro, you am not. Thanks so much.

Have you, by any chance, ever played poker with Wil Wheaton?

And how do you feel about giant brains in jars?

I realize these aren't technically "advice" questions, but I think your answers would help us get to know you better.

Bizarro really good friend Lex used to not be brain in jar. Many critics say this not the low point of Lex's career, and Bizarro not agree. Thankfully him not make deal with Lord of Darkness to fix everything, even though if him wait a few more years reality all shift around anyway.

So Bizarro thought on brain in jar that it not be low point in career and you not have to make deal with devil to fix low point. Am that being not clear?

Bizarro hopes this not help you get handle on him.

Mulban wrote:

Dear Bizarro,

I am jealous of your great complexion. As you can see mine is rather mettalic, and I was wondering if I could get it to look more like yours. What is your secret?

Mulban,

It am not simple. All you need do is damage RNA brining genetic information to the receptors that put in place proteins making up physical structures of the body. Bizarro RNA is not what known in the genetics industry as FUBAR.

Bizarro not know what FUBAR mean, but it make Bizarro not think about candy bar. Bizarro not really hungry now. Bizarro go look for king sized FUBAR.

Bizarro hope this am not helpful.

Thanks Bizarro dude!

This not your friendly neighborhood imperfect Paizo fan (what that . . . me am being asked not to use "friendly neighborhood" by chubby man named Joe because he has legal stuff written in blue Krytonite ink? Me love fat Joey . . . him my favorite Editor in Chief).

Me am not asking you to ask Bizarro your most intimate questions, to that me can give you the worst advice Bizarro can think of. Don't ask Bizarro anything, and him not answer.

Me am not looking forward to your questions.

This week I have one of the largest swim-meets of the summer and a lifelong rival is going to be against me in the very next lane. I'm not sure I can beat him so I'm looking for advice on the easiest way to get that little edge in the race to prove to him that I'm the best!

Dear Bizarro,
How do I get my work's insurance company to authorize an MRI to find the source of my nerve damage?

Dear Bizarro,

When the moon is waning, I often find myself growing increasingly agitated until I can no longer control myself and then run howling into the night. The next day, I wake up covered in feathers and smelling of chicken feed. Is there anything unusual about this, and, if so, what can I do about it?

Dear Bizarro,

What ever happened to this great thread?

Dunno, but it freakin' rocked. KnightErrantJr, get back here! We miss you!

Dear Bizarro,

I have been married for 16 years. My wife and I have a 4 year old daughter. My wife and I have grown apart. I can no longer talk to her without her becoming extremely defensive. We have only had sex 5 times in the last 4 years. I am very unhappy. Should I ask for a divorce or tough it out for my daughter?

Unhappily Married

Dear Bizarro,

Where do new editions of D&D come from?

Dear Bizarro,

Does this Article Mean that it is the End of the World?

Meteorite Crash Causes 'Mystery Illness' in Peru.

Have the Aliens finally come to take my Brain to thier home world to worship it?

I need to know as soon as possible so I can get my brain ready.

Dear Bizarro,

Does this Article Mean that it is the End of the World?

Meteorite Crash Causes 'Mystery Illness' in Peru.

Have the Aliens finally come to take my Brain to thier home world to worship it?

I need to know as soon as possible so I can get my brain ready.

Scientists Debate Massive Spider Web Blanketing 200 Yards of Texas Park

This

Vanishing lake baffles Russians

And This

Lake disappears suddenly in Chile

That really make think the Aliens have finally come!

That really make think the Aliens have finally come!

Hurry up, fleshies, and give my masters some smarts! >:(

Dear Bizarro,

should I switch to 4e and if so what should I do with all my 3.5 material?