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I hope this smurfy letter gets to you. I smurf you. I don't understand why you don't smurf me too. The pain I feel while watching you smurf around with other smurfs just smurfs my heart in two. I need you, my smurfiest love! Please don't smurf me away. I can't smurf without you.
I can't eat, sleep or smurf along like I used to, knowing that Brainy smurf is smurfing you. Why? He is smart and all but I can smurf heavy things, smurf building, and smurf up all kinds of construction projects. I even smurfed Azreal and made a gorgeous coat out of his hide! For you! If you won't love me then I will just have to smurf some rope and smurf myself. Please Smurfette, we would be smurfy as all hell together. Now I know how it feels to be blue....
My Heart is yours in smurfitude,
Handy Smurf
Smurf Healer,
From what I heard from Brainy...
You should never have tried to smurf it in her smurfhole without asking. Or at the very least you couldv'e used a little smurfroglide. It just nasty and un-smurfing-polite. Its no smurfing way to treat a lady smurf. Especially the only lady smurf.
Smurfing in the smurf-hole indeed! The "Dirty Smurfchez" was a bit much, dont you think?
I hope you look forward to self-smurfing for a while. Cuz aint no way a smurf is gonna smurf on your smurf or give a smurfjob or let you have a smurf-around any time soon.
Dirty mother-smurfer.
The sad fact, my poor smurfs, is that Smurfette plays for the other team, if you know what I mean. You know. The other team that listens to the Indigo Girls and wears combat boots? Granted, since she's the only female smurf it's kind of a moot point. But there's a reason she hasn't settled down with any of you and started squeezing out little smurfs.
The sad fact, my poor smurfs, is that Smurfette plays for the other team, if you know what I mean. You know. The other team that listens to the Indigo Girls and wears combat boots? Granted, since she's the only female smurf it's kind of a moot point. But there's a reason she hasn't settled down with any of you and started squeezing out little smurfs.
She told you that cos she didn't want to hurt your feelings.
She's into leprechauns.
Smurfette, getcha getcha drunk,
Getcha drunk on my Smurfette hunk!
That's how baby Smurfs are born!
See? Oh yeah! She sent me a picture!
She wants what's in my trunk
When she sees my Smurfette hunk!
Back off buddy, she's mine.
You little smurfing hooligans! I'm gonna smurf every last smurfing one of you!
"Running around, all jacked up on Smurfy Snacks"
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
/d
*Sputters a stream of curses as his wonderful avatar (self-portrait, actually) has been turned into a smurf. Oddly, the smurf is appropriate...
Dear Fake Healer,
WTH is with this Dear Smurfette crap?! What about us mister man? I thought we had something? I remember our 1st adventure into the woods and you showed me just what kind of healing a man can do for a woman. *sniff, I'm not gonna cry damit* If this is about Elan, forget it, he means nothing to me. I mean it, it was just a kiss, that's all, I swear. I could never be with a bard that thinks he's invisible when he's naked. *tear stain*
Come on, pleeeeese Fakey Baby, don't leave me. *snif snif* I think...*hiccup* I think... uhm... I'm in love, with our adventuring life. I need you by my side, your sheild comes in handy. I like standing behind you and knowing that no matter what you'll protect me.
But if I find out that you've been "Smurfing her in the smurfhole" then well, that's it. I can't be with a man who would be with a little tramp in that way. Besides, what does that little blue b$%&% have that I don't? You know that she's got a child and I'm sure she doesn't know who that baby's daddy is. Are you prepared to take on that responsibility? I don't think so, you like traveling around on your little adventures too much. Her and her baby will just weigh you down and expect all the treasure.
Come back to me Fakey, please. I'll stay away from Elan. Roy and that little backstabbing Belkar too if you want me to. I'm willing to work to keep this relationship if you are. Please, just come back.
Your's always,
Haley
Dear Fake Healer,
WTH is with this Dear Smurfette crap?! What about us mister man? I thought we had something? I remember our 1st adventure into the woods and you showed me just what kind of healing a man can do for a woman. *sniff, I'm not gonna cry damit* If this is about Elan, forget it, he means nothing to me. I mean it, it was just a kiss, that's all, I swear. I could never be with a bard that thinks he's invisible when he's naked. *tear stain*
Come on, pleeeeese Fakey Baby, don't leave me. *snif snif* I think...*hiccup* I think... uhm... I'm in love, with our adventuring life. I need you by my side, your sheild comes in handy. I like standing behind you and knowing that no matter what you'll protect me.
But if I find out that you've been "Smurfing her in the smurfhole" then well, that's it. I can't be with a man who would be with a little tramp in that way. Besides, what does that little blue b%&%~ have that I don't? You know that she's got a child and I'm sure she doesn't know who that baby's daddy is. Are you prepared to take on that responsibility? I don't think so, you like traveling around on your little adventures too much. Her and her baby will just weigh you down and expect all the treasure.
Come back to me Fakey, please. I'll stay away from Elan. Roy and that little backstabbing Belkar too if you want me to. I'm willing to work to keep this relationship if you are. Please, just come back.
Your's always,
Haley** spoiler omitted **
Man, this is some smurfed up smurf!
Dear Fake Healer,
WTH is with this Dear Smurfette crap?! What about us mister man? I thought we had something? I remember our 1st adventure into the woods and you showed me just what kind of healing a man can do for a woman. *sniff, I'm not gonna cry damit* If this is about Elan, forget it, he means nothing to me. I mean it, it was just a kiss, that's all, I swear. I could never be with a bard that thinks he's invisible when he's naked. *tear stain*
Come on, pleeeeese Fakey Baby, don't leave me. *snif snif* I think...*hiccup* I think... uhm... I'm in love, with our adventuring life. I need you by my side, your sheild comes in handy. I like standing behind you and knowing that no matter what you'll protect me.
But if I find out that you've been "Smurfing her in the smurfhole" then well, that's it. I can't be with a man who would be with a little tramp in that way. Besides, what does that little blue b#*@% have that I don't? You know that she's got a child and I'm sure she doesn't know who that baby's daddy is. Are you prepared to take on that responsibility? I don't think so, you like traveling around on your little adventures too much. Her and her baby will just weigh you down and expect all the treasure.
Come back to me Fakey, please. I'll stay away from Elan. Roy and that little backstabbing Belkar too if you want me to. I'm willing to work to keep this relationship if you are. Please, just come back.
Your's always,
Haley** spoiler omitted **
Dear, sweet Haley,
I know that our time together was great. I wish I could give more of myself to you, but my time with Smurfette has left me as "damaged". I will always remember our time together with fondness (especially the night I made you speak in tongues, glad you snapped out of that finally) but I can't give you a heart that is missing pieces of itself.Elan is a good man (half-elf, whatever), he may be a bit dense but his heart is good and pure, without the blackness that threatens to consume mine...
I know it sounds cliche' but you are better off without me. Perhaps one day if the stars align and we find ourselves in the same shop buying some equipment, my heart may be fixed and our love may blossom again, but I can't make you wait, my dear. You deserve better.
Good luck with your dad, and know that you hold a special place in the remains of my heart.
I will miss you,
Handy
FH
Dear Fake Healer,
WTH is with this Dear Smurfette crap?! What about us mister man? I thought we had something? I remember our 1st adventure into the woods and you showed me just what kind of healing a man can do for a woman. *sniff, I'm not gonna cry damit* If this is about Elan, forget it, he means nothing to me. I mean it, it was just a kiss, that's all, I swear. I could never be with a bard that thinks he's invisible when he's naked. *tear stain*
Come on, pleeeeese Fakey Baby, don't leave me. *snif snif* I think...*hiccup* I think... uhm... I'm in love, with our adventuring life. I need you by my side, your sheild comes in handy. I like standing behind you and knowing that no matter what you'll protect me.
But if I find out that you've been "Smurfing her in the smurfhole" then well, that's it. I can't be with a man who would be with a little tramp in that way. Besides, what does that little blue b#*@% have that I don't? You know that she's got a child and I'm sure she doesn't know who that baby's daddy is. Are you prepared to take on that responsibility? I don't think so, you like traveling around on your little adventures too much. Her and her baby will just weigh you down and expect all the treasure.
Come back to me Fakey, please. I'll stay away from Elan. Roy and that little backstabbing Belkar too if you want me to. I'm willing to work to keep this relationship if you are. Please, just come back.
Your's always,
Haley** spoiler omitted **
Dear, sweet Haley,
I know that our time together was great. I wish I could give more of myself to you, but my time with Smurfette has left me as "damaged". I will always remember our time together with fondness (especially the night I made you speak in tongues, glad you snapped out of that finally) but I can't give you a heart that is missing pieces of itself.
Elan is a good man (half-elf, whatever), he may be a bit dense but his heart is good and pure, without the blackness that threatens...
Alright little mister HANDY man, if that's the way you want it. I just don't have the energy to fight you on this. *snif snif* I did some soul searching last night and I have found my soul mate. He said he could make me a queen. *sigh*
Oh, and if we do run into each other in a shop buying equipment, I hope it's an armoury so I'll have someone..um.. I mean something to test the weapons on. Also, I hope your ladder never extends again.
Hatefully,
Haley
To Mr's Handy and Spanky,
I, Smurfette refuse you both.
Handy, because I just don't think you could keep up with me anymore. I've changed, as you can see. You're a sweet guy and all but we've just grown apart.
Spanky, dude, I could so rock your world. I'm sure we'd get along great but I'm hookin' it with these guys until the well runs dry.
Hey can either of you watch Baby Smurf while I'm gone?
Sincerely,
Smurfette
Baby?...excuse me....(pyow)
Don't worry, bro, probably Brainy's brood. The lil' slut will need to prove paternity in any event.....just hope I left enough of Brainy around for the testers to collect some DNA. F*ck wit' my B@tch an' dats what you getz. That ho is broke anyways, man, she took too many "back-stabs" if you get my drift. It ain't a "trunk", it's a storage unit!
Handy
FH
Dear Haley,
Sorry honey, I didn't mean to foster hate in you. I just....I LOVE SPANKY THE LEPRECHAUN!!! There, I said it. His "pot-o-gold" is much richer than yours and he calls me his "magically delicious Handy-man". We are having our life commitment ceremony in June. I never meant to hurt you or lead you on, but Spanky just has so much more to offer me.
Handy