It's impossible to be angry when that song is playing.

Oh yes, forcing men into a lifelong commitment they are unsure of just so you can let yourself go is always catchy.

Who is bitter?

I just received an email from a Prince in Africa who needs our help. I can't afford it alone, so I thought I'd start a pool here at the office. Apparently, our donations will eventually be returned with interests. Not only that, but we'll be helping this prince get back his inheritance. Can I get anyone to join the pool with a donation?

I just received an email complaint from a customer who for some reason explained to me that he doesn't "want to put a ring on it." Can someone explain this to me?

We are going to start a support group for those, whose genders we will not identify nor discriminate against, that do not wish to put a ring on it.

I just received an email from a Prince in Africa who needs our help. I can't afford it alone, so I thought I'd start a pool here at the office. Apparently, our donations will eventually be returned with interests. Not only that, but we'll be helping this prince get back his inheritance. Can I get anyone to join the pool with a donation?

Once I get the $1000 Bill Gates has promised me for helping with his e-mail beta test then I will have some money to give you.

We are going to start a support group for those, whose genders we will not identify nor discriminate against, that do not wish to put a ring on it.

Will those who have paws/wings/stumps and no fingers, and thus unable "to put a ring on it", be welcome too?

Sebastian wrote:

Aberzombie wrote:

If anyone has anymore complaints about the Fax machine, you can fax a memo over to HR in Building 4.

I tried doing that, but the fax machine wasn't working. What should I do now?

Call UPS to ship it for you.

Make sure the UPS guys speak before you open the door. They could be zombies.

I have a meeting tomorrow with the members of 'the committee that never meets'. It's a meeting to decide if we need to have any meetings this year.

Sadly, I'm not joking.

CourtFool wrote:

We need to improve morale, cut costs and increase production. Anyone have any ideas?

We need to have meeting.

I think this is one of those deals where we should have a meeting to plan to have a meeting.

I have a meeting tomorrow with the members of 'the committee that never meets'. It's a meeting to decide if we need to have any meetings this year.

Sadly, I'm not joking.

Can they meet at your house? I imagine only a few will get past the zombies.

I have a meeting tomorrow with the members of 'the committee that never meets'. It's a meeting to decide if we need to have any meetings this year.

Sadly, I'm not joking.

lol

This is Management. The beatings will continue until morale improves. Carry on.

This is Management. The beatings will continue until morale improves. Carry on.

More beatings? Please?

Happiness is mandatory.

Happiness is mandatory.

Job satisfaction is the same as stealing from the company.

Whimsy Chris wrote:

Happiness is mandatory.

Employee Manual wrote:

Job satisfaction is the same as stealing from the company.

Don't you have some coffee and danishes to deliver?

I have a meeting tomorrow with the members of 'the committee that never meets'. It's a meeting to decide if we need to have any meetings this year.

Sadly, I'm not joking.

I shoulda read yours first.

Carl The Annoying Intern wrote:

Whimsy Chris wrote:

Happiness is mandatory.

Employee Manual wrote:

Job satisfaction is the same as stealing from the company.

Don't you have some coffee and danishes to deliver?

sigh Yes sir.

This thread makes me sad. :(

This thread makes me sad. :(

That's because you haven't visualized synergistic initiatives.

Hi I'm new here can some one please explain where my desk is and how to do the job I was hired for.
Also how long till I earn any sick days and vacation time?

Apparently Facilities has other responsibilities, and they are no longer available to answer our phones. I have replaced our phone queue with an endlessly looped recording of "Single Ladies" by Beyonce. It's impossible to be angry when that song is playing.

Facilities has been renamed Corporate Services, to better reflect our diverse level of services. Inquiries made to 'Facilities' will be deleted. Thank you for your cooperation.

Hi I'm new here can some one please explain where my desk is and how to do the job I was hired for.

Also how long till I earn any sick days and vacation time?

I'm sorry to break the news, but due to budgeting constraints, we're going to have to let you go. Thank you for your long service to the company, though.

Note to staff: Do not read e-mails in the order they were received or you might miss later e-mails redacting the previous.

Note to Staff:

Our new voicemail system is in place. We will no longer have live operators to assist callers. The automated system requires last name first, first name last. Please have all outside callers use this procedure.

Note to staff: Do not read e-mails in the order they were received or you might miss later e-mails redacting the previous.

OK. I have a funny story about this one. We got a mass e-mail from our HR/internal commnications person with a picture of the company president pointing to his watch with the phrase "The cock is ticking" below the picture. About 30 seconds later that e-mail was removed and replaced with more appropriate phrasing.

Note to Staff:

Our new voicemail system is in place. We will no longer have live operators to assist callers. The automated system requires last name first, first name last. Please have all outside callers use this procedure.

Note to Telecomm Dept:

How do we do that when we don't know who's going to call?

Emperor7 wrote:

Note to staff: Do not read e-mails in the order they were received or you might miss later e-mails redacting the previous.

OK. I have a funny story about this one. We got a mass e-mail from our HR/internal commnications person with a picture of the company president pointing to his watch with the phrase "The c**# is ticking" below the picture. About 30 seconds later that e-mail was removed and replaced with more appropriate phrasing.

Hilarious! Countdown - 4 hours 'til my Viagra wears off.

Emperor7 wrote:

Note to Staff:

Our new voicemail system is in place. We will no longer have live operators to assist callers. The automated system requires last name first, first name last. Please have all outside callers use this procedure.

Note to Telecomm Dept:

How do we do that when we don't know who's going to call?

Note to Staff:

It is your depts responsibility to ensure outside callers follow out procedures. Thank you for your cooperation.

Confuse-Us says:

Be careful of the toes you step on today. They may be attached to the butt you have to kiss tomorrow.

Steven Tindall wrote:

Hi I'm new here can some one please explain where my desk is and how to do the job I was hired for.

Also how long till I earn any sick days and vacation time?

I'm sorry to break the news, but due to budgeting constraints, we're going to have to let you go. Thank you for your long service to the company, though.

cool I'm fine with that I was here long enough to qualify for unemployment and cobra so thats all I really cared about anyway.

Confuse-Us say:

The difference between a butt kisser and a brown nose is depth perception.

The facilities managment would like to remind everyone to use the couch when having meetings with interns. We are having to replace way too many desks.

The facilities mangent would like to remind everyone to use the couch when having meetings with interns. We are having to replace way too many desks.

*writes up David*

Corporate Services! They don't want to be called Facilities Mgmt anymore!

My group made this name change 6 months ago, and nobody pays attention to it. :P

David Fryer wrote:

The facilities mangent would like to remind everyone to use the couch when having meetings with interns. We are having to replace way too many desks.

*writes up David*

signs the writeup with taig's name.

Just remember, managers, your level of interpersonal skills is inversely proportional to your management level: I.E. The higher level of management you are, the lower your people skills become.
(My wife's 3-levels up boss told her that while grooming her for management roles....sad but true)

Your silence is your consent.

We are not here to manage you, we are here to facilitate your labor, hence from now on managers will be refered to as facilitators.

Where are the doughnuts?

*schedules meetings where all employees can elaborate upon the comments they made in the anonymous survey submitted last month*

*face to face, with HR and mgmt*

*schedules meetings where all employees can elaborate upon the comments they made in the anonymous survey submitted last month*

*face to face, with HR and mgmt*

True story: At my company, an employee who was applying for a promotion was subject to an anonymous peer review. A friend of mine basically spelled out how the employee in question is terrible at her job, gives her work away to other people, and is generally unhelpful. Management called her into an office, where the other employee was already sitting there, and said "I thought I would bring you two together to discuss your differences."

Emperor7 wrote:

*schedules meetings where all employees can elaborate upon the comments they made in the anonymous survey submitted last month*

*face to face, with HR and mgmt*

True story: At my company, an employee who was applying for a promotion was subject to an anonymous peer review. A friend of mine basically spelled out how the employee in question is terrible at her job, gives her work away to other people, and is generally unhelpful. Management called her into an office, where the other employee was already sitting there, and said "I thought I would bring you two together to discuss your differences."

Similar one. Give feedback about upper mgmt and the direction you see the company heading. Specify male or female, division you work in, level or title, give examples of issues. Needless to say we all said 'doing great'. *sigh*

The sick leave and vacation policies have changed. Please listen carefully. Starting November 30, one accrues .013 paid sick days and .041 paid vacation days per week, except on weeks with holidays, in which you receive .0026 sick days less per day of holiday and .0082 vacation days less per day of holiday. You receive a 5% accrual bonus for the week for work on weekends, although all hours on weekends must be redacted the following week and a 5% reduction in accrual for that week applies due to the time off. You do not accrue sick days during vacation and you do not accrue vacation days during sick leave. Once you have accrued maximum accrual sick and vacation days for the year (5.6434 sick days and 9.987 vacation days for non-executive employees), you no longer accrue sick and vacation days, respectively.

Time accrued previous to November 30 shall receive a 13% reduction on October 1. Those taking vacations starting before November 30 and ending after October 1 must return to work by 10:23 am October 3 in order to avoid an accrual penalty of 6.24951% the remainder of the year.

We believe this new system is the most effective and simple to follow, therefore the HR department will not be answering questions or concerns regarding the new policy.

Have a great day!

After discovering that I could still discriminate again single people I polled my departmet to find out who had no reason to go home. It turns out they were all polygamists.

Reminder to all personnel: Next month, we will begin re-organzing the office space. The Accounting Department will move to the area currently occupied by the HR Department. The HR Department will move to the area currently occupied by the IT Department. The IT Department will be downsized and merged with the Maintenance Departmentt, and the new department will be moved into the area formerly occupied by the Accounting Department.

Reminder to all personnel: Next month, we will begin re-organzing the office space. The Accounting Department will move to the area currently occupied by the HR Department. The HR Department will move to the area currently occupied by the IT Department. The IT Department will be downsized and merged with the Maintenance Departmentt, and the new department will be moved into the area formerly occupied by the Accounting Department.

Welcome to my job!

Reminder: The retirement party fo Chuck McChuck willbe held next Thursday at Ben the Bums. So, come on out and wish Chuck good luck in his new job as a contractor.

Aberzombie wrote:

Reminder to all personnel: Next month, we will begin re-organzing the office space. The Accounting Department will move to the area currently occupied by the HR Department. The HR Department will move to the area currently occupied by the IT Department. The IT Department will be downsized and merged with the Maintenance Departmentt, and the new department will be moved into the area formerly occupied by the Accounting Department.

Welcome to my job!

Yeah, my department just did one of these.

Reminder: The retirement party fo Chuck McChuck willbe held next Thursday at Ben the Bums. So, come on out and wish Chuck good luck in his new job as a contractor.

That Chuck is smart. He quit his job and got hired as a contract employee doing the same thing and getting payed twice as much.

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Get a bigger pen-15 twoday!!!!!!1!!!

Sign this petition to give polar bears lifestyle changes councelling.

Pray for Jim Smith, forward this email to 30 friends or you are going to die in fire.