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A timely political proclamation from British comedian, John Cleese
To: The citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. (A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed).
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix-ize will be replaced by the suffix-ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen!
A timely political proclamation from British comedian, John Cleese
Not actually by Cleese, for what it's worth.
Nor is it timely. I've been seeing this one circulate for about four or five years.
A timely political proclamation from British comedian, John CleeseNot actually by Cleese, for what it's worth.Nor is it timely. I've been seeing this one circulate for about four or five years.
I would argue we have needed it for about eight.
GGG
A timely political proclamation from British comedian, John CleeseNot actually by Cleese, for what it's worth.Nor is it timely. I've been seeing this one circulate for about four or five years.I would argue we have needed it for about eight.
GGG
In fact, the first time I saw this would have been about then - coincedently ;-)
Don't remember it being attributed to Cleese at that time though.
There's been 6 flags that waved over Texas, and ain't a one of them British.Good point. Mexico can have Texas back when the rest of the country goes with Britain.
I think Spain is going to want Mexico, Texas, Florida, and California.
Yo voy a viajar a Mundo del Walt Disney!No word on whether Oklahoma and France are acknowledging any past connection yet.
Don't mess with Texas.There's been 6 flags that waved over Texas, and ain't a one of them British.Good point. Mexico can have Texas back when the rest of the country goes with Britain.
Come on you can hole up in the hills of Tennessee with me. We can be mountain men and live of the land. Then we can retake America Red Dawn style, minus the Russians and Cubans.
I don't mind you taken lawyers (I could use some time off), baseball, and shrinks, but I'M KEEPING MY GUNS! And Damn it you can't change donuts!!!
Fizz
You ain't got the grit.There's been 6 flags that waved over Texas, and ain't a one of them British.You are right. We will have to return Texas to the Mexicans...without the disagreable humans.
Do you remember the future. No. Thats cause there is a black hole eating your frontal lobes. I got you long ago my prettypretty.
If you're going to go about 'reclaiming' places, I move that the various nations on the non-American continents have to take back all the children of the people they shipped or otherwise wound up having brought over here in the first place.
Those of us descended from the *real* original inhabitants would appreciate it, seeing as how our ancestors kind of got crowded into the most miserably marginal land you colonist types could find.
(I am, indeed, kidding, although a fair chunk of my bloodline is, indeed, Native American.)
If you're going to go about 'reclaiming' places, I move that the various nations on the non-American continents have to take back all the children of the people they shipped or otherwise wound up having brought over here in the first place.
Those of us descended from the *real* original inhabitants would appreciate it, seeing as how our ancestors kind of got crowded into the most miserably marginal land you colonist types could find.
(I am, indeed, kidding, although a fair chunk of my bloodline is, indeed, Native American.)
Realy, I have relatives in every nationality in the world...my relatives were "Breeders" like the Queen Alien...hell Im probably related to everyone on this board.
Do you remember the future. No. Thats cause there is a black hole eating your frontal lobes. I got you long ago my prettypretty.You ain't got the grit.There's been 6 flags that waved over Texas, and ain't a one of them British.You are right. We will have to return Texas to the Mexicans...without the disagreable humans.
I remember the future just fine. It's right now. And I'm about as pretty as the Wicked Witch of the West in curlers and a mud mask.
Plus, if a black hole ate my frontal lobes, it'd mean the end of the damn universe like the snake ouroboros.
And now, in tall buildings, we'll need to take "lifts". And throw our stuff in the "boot" of the auto. And ship packages around in "lorries". And ask that lovely "bird" at the "pub" if she'd like to come back to our "flat" for a "nightcap". So we can "shag".
Me? I want the Police Boxes, so I can keep jumping into them and pretending they're a Tardus.
I proudly stand with my Texan brother on this one!You ain't got the grit.There's been 6 flags that waved over Texas, and ain't a one of them British.You are right. We will have to return Texas to the Mexicans...without the disagreable humans.
I'm sure there's an inbreeding joke in there somewhere.
I'm sure there's an inbreeding joke in there somewhere.I proudly stand with my Texan brother on this one!You ain't got the grit.There's been 6 flags that waved over Texas, and ain't a one of them British.You are right. We will have to return Texas to the Mexicans...without the disagreable humans.
I'm not related to any European royalty.
I'm pretty like fashed about all of those vecks in the U S and A govoreeting 'bout how they's better and all of that. Time for all of us lewdies in Merry Old England to take back the land of the free, O my droogies, eh?
Have at you!
RULE BRITANNIA !!
http://www.farmersboys.com/music/Misc%20Rule%20Brittania.mp3
Lyrics
1. When Britain first, at Heaven's command
Arose from out the azure main;
This was the charter of the land,
And guardian angels sung this strain:
"Rule, Britannia! Britannia rule the waves:
"Britons never, never, never shall be slaves."
2. The nations, not so blest as thee,
Must, in their turns, to tyrants fall;
While thou shalt flourish great and free,
The dread and envy of them all.
"Rule, Britannia! Britannia rules the waves:
"Britons never, never, never shall be slaves."
3. Still more majestic shalt thou rise,
More dreadful, from each foreign stroke;
As the loud blast that tears the skies,
Serves but to root thy native oak.
"Rule, Britannia! Britannia rules the waves:
"Britons never, never, never shall be slaves."
4. Thee haughty tyrants ne'er shall tame:
All their attempts to bend thee down,
Will but arouse thy generous flame;
But work their woe, and thy renown.
"Rule, Britannia! Britannia rules the waves:
"Britons never, never, never shall be slaves."
I, for one, welcome our new British overlords.
What overlord? Welcome back to the commonwealth where you all get to vote on every act of government, law, constitution, Sovereign...oh! Right! you didnt want your neighbour to have that much say in how things are done.
Don't mess with Texas.There's been 6 flags that waved over Texas, and ain't a one of them British.Good point. Mexico can have Texas back when the rest of the country goes with Britain.
Normally Heathy and I agree on the majority of issues. We'll have to disagree on this one. He can have Texas; I moved out of that backwater as soon as I could. I mean really; Tom "I want to gerrymander" Delay is still considered a decent human being there by most. Need I say more?
As for me? I'd welcome the crown back to the States. More Joss Whedon, Dr. Who and Torchwood for the telly; and scones at tea time. Sounds like heaven to me.
What overlord? Welcome back to the commonwealth where you all get to vote on every act of government, law, constitution, Sovereign...oh! Right! you didnt want your neighbour to have that much say in how things are done.I, for one, welcome our new British overlords.
The "" portion of the post, as well as the Wikipedia link to Kent Brockman were intended to indicate that my post was a riff on a Simpsons quote, and therefore merely a joke.
My post was never intended to spark any political discussion and I apologize if that impression was given.
Don't mess with Texas.There's been 6 flags that waved over Texas, and ain't a one of them British.Good point. Mexico can have Texas back when the rest of the country goes with Britain.Normally Heathy and I agree on the majority of issues. We'll have to disagree on this one. He can have Texas; I moved out of that backwater as soon as I could. I mean really; Tom "I want to gerrymander" Delay is still considered a decent human being there by most. Need I say more?
As for me? I'd welcome the crown back to the States. More Joss Whedon, Dr. Who and Torchwood for the telly; and scones at tea time. Sounds like heaven to me.
I'm actually from Florida.
Everybody sure is religious around here.