1. Arsenic's all natural. You'll be fine.
2. "Oh wait, THIS bottle is the antivenom..."
3. "So yeah, apparently I channel negative energy now."
4. Yes, a tourniquet's fine for head wounds.
5. "I got my degree in aberrant physiology."
7. "Wait, I have to memorize spells before I can spont-cast them??"
9. Hey, on the bright side, we can name this disease after you!
10. Is this organ important?
Wait ... you wanted healing?! I could've sworn that a timely bestow curse would be of greater benefit than stuffing your entrails back in.
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12. *nothing, because the bad guys ganked him/her first*
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13. Sorry guys, I got robbed in town, so we've got to recycle our bandages.
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14. Well, I'm not a cleric, I'm a wizard. Not sure why you guys made that mistake. Anyways, thank Boccob for cauterization!
15. Healer: You know, I am very good doctor! Only two patients ever died under my care!
Party: And how many patients did you have?
Healer: Uh... Two?
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16. "So, which of you is the healer this time anyway?"
18. "Please hold him/her down while I get the saw."
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23. "Let him die. At this point it'll just be simpler to raise/resurrect him."
24. "Time for another spin on the Wheel of Reincarnation!"
25. "Doctor H. West, at your service."
26. "We're all out of healing..."
My home group has about 6-8 people (lost track), and out of everyone, only 2-3 can't cast cure spells. 2 Witches, a paladin, druid, ranger or two, cavalier (or inquisitor, can't remember), rogue, and barbarian.
27. "No."
29. It's all right. That's why your god gave you two kidneys!
31. "It's okay! I have a spare!"
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Did I leave my wand in the tavern last night?
34. ....What's a Hippocratic oath?
35. "Has anyone seen my scalpel?"
36. Oh, where the hell did I put those leeches?
37. Ah, yes, you see my colleagues have been doing amazing things with maggots and I've simply added my own twist to the method. What? Oh, yes, the maggots are normally five feet long, because standard maggots simply take far too long. We don't want you bleeding out before I can get this dead tissue removed, do we?
38. Yes, the pain means it's working.
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39. Would this be a bad time to tell you the benefits of converting?
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40. I can memorize a spell for that tomorrow.
23. "Let him die. At this point it'll just be simpler to raise/resurrect him."
I've actually said this. We were trying to rescue him from hell, so we put an arrow through his head rather than fight our way through the demons to rescue him.
41. Oh, s@&&, that was flame strike not cure light wounds....
42. *knocks on the inn room doors of the party members very early on a Saturday morning*
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43. "I've been reading threads on the forums regarding the importance of healing in combat."
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I'm down to the last charge, so why don't we play "Who's got true faith?"
45. Until the wizard apologizes for calling me names, no one gets any heals.
46. while cackling as the last of his/her/its mental marbles are rolling about on the floor "Everyone's going to die!"
.... or ....
47. "Game over man, game over! We're in some pretty [stuff] now. What're we gonna do?!" Aka Hudsoning.
50. "I need a volunteer."
51. Hey, what's it called when the bone's sticking out again?
52. Brackium Emendo!
53. Last Rites appropriate to a God worshipped in the party.
54. MRGh
55. Oh, you want me to heal you? Sorry, is this a bad time to mention I'm Chaotic Neutral?
"Well apparently using that spell like that pissed off my God. Im going to be out of commission until I can get back to a temple and Atone. Also, that's definitely mummy rot. Shoulda worn one of those armored kilts..."
57. Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an engineer!