This is a staggeringly true story. The names have not been changed in order to better expose the guilty, some of whom you will know from these boards, but since this tale is based on my memory, perhaps there’s been just a slight alteration of a few of the actual facts.
For the uninitiated, True Dungeon is “live” dungeon experience which is played out at Gen Con with increadible stage setting and props. After True Dungeon was featured in both Dungeon magazine editorial #128 and Dragon #349, once I finally decided to embark on the trip to Indianapolis, I knew True Dungeon was something I wanted to try. (Those were fun editorials incidentally, talk about your free advertising.) What I didn't know until much later, however, is that I would also be chronicling this famed expedition.
Disclaimer:
Before I get any further, be warned: this recap includes several scenes of gratuitous sex, horrific violence and Tim Hitchock.
Introducing the Party:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the “Knights of the Moonlit Cabbage”!!!
Could there have been a more valiant (and ruggedly handsome) party?
As you may have already surmised from the title, our group was recruited from amongst the Were Cabbages, an overly-keen writing collective. The Were Cabbages formed a few years back when Dryder (Tom Ganz) had the idea to form a group from these very Paizo boards to make a collective proposal to Dungeon magazine. Although I can’t claim any involvement myself, I do know that their effort eventually went on to form the popular three-part Seeds of Sehan arc (Dungeon 145-147) which has been the collaboration template for many of the group’s future projects.
So without further ado, here are our knights:
Steve Greer, AKA “Spendric” – A founding Were-Cabbage, Steve naturally took on the role of the party bard. He frequently provided us with buffs in the form of his inspirational singing, which was, and I’m not making this up, most often a song by Queen. It was my desperate hope that “We are the Champions” would come up more often than “Another One Bites the Dust”.
Greg Oppedisano – Greg volunteered to be the party tank, our stalwart fighter. Melee attacks in True Dungeon are made with a device somewhat akin to shuffleboard. Greg joked that because he was Italian and had experience at bocce, he should be able to handle it. What he didn’t tell us was that he was actually phenomenal. Who would have thought it would be handy to bring an actual athlete to one of these things?
Rone Barton, AKA “Sparky” – No doubt you know Rone from the Paizo boards as “The Jade”. I gotta tell you the Jade’s even funnier in person. Rone took on the role of the party Wizard as well as that of a surrogate cleric whenever a certain someone needed help.
Tim Hitchcock – The party rogue, Tim proudly identified himself as “the ringer”. There is, he explained, no trap he is incapable of disarming. As the only one amongst us with prior True Dungeon experience Tim was the default Yoda for our intrepid expedition.
And last there was me (Mike). Although technically the party cleric, surrounded by these bright lights, I at times felt more like my true role was as the party Nodwick.
Only Five?
Those of you who are True Dungeon aficionados have probably already noticed a key flaw with our party’s composition. True Dungeon is supposed to be composed of seven party members. We are only five.
Two more were supposed to arrive to swell our ranks and protect our flanks. But they did not show (which is bizarre because True Dungeon sold-out again this year and had scalp sales on e-bay. This means that whoever they were, they burned their not insignificantly priced tickets). Once nameless, the two non-attendees soon became known amongst the Knights of the Moonlit Cabbage as, the "Traitorous Two!"
Nevertheless, despite being short-handed, the Knights ventured forth, confident that our cabbagey faith would be all we would need. (And Greg, it turns out we really needed Greg.)
Were we concerned? Not at all. Should we have been? In hindsight, yes, definitely, “Yes”.
But Wait! The Sixth Man!
Although he didn’t join us on the journey itself, there was an honorary Knight of the Moonlit cabbage who contributed just as much as the rest of us and bears significant mentioning. That valorous man was Russ Brown. Russ contributed to the group in the form of donating a complete token collection from prior adventures.
For those of you who are not aware how it works, equipment, both mundane and magical is represented by round tokens (what Erik Mona describes as the wooden nickels in his editorial.)
Thanks to Russ we had a lot of short bows and axes and other mundane stuff. Even a few handy scrolls. But seriously Russ, what was the hair gel and copper wire for? Did your group bring along MacGuyver?
Let’s Go Shopping!
That's right people, valley girls got nothing on us Knights!
It turns out one of our best moves of the night, was to hit the True Dungeon shops in advance of the delve itself. We pooled our limited treasure tokens and bought a few handy last-minute items. Most notably, with inexplicable prescience, Rone bought us a scroll of stone to flesh.
I confess I rolled my eyes when I saw how much Rone dropped on that one shot item. Later on, however, you would be able to see me de-rolling them in their sockets.
But enough prep talk: time to get this adventure started!
Gateway to the Sewer
As we began our journey the DM explained:
“There’s an old rusted lock barring the grate to the sewer, it looks like it could be bashed open easily with but a slight application of force, does anyone. . .
Tim: I pick the lock! (Tim immediately goes to work on the associated puzzle box which represents the lock)
DM: But. . .
Tim: Stand back everyone! I need to concentrate!
Time goes by and gradually the nervous Knights lower their guard. Slowly they begin to wander around the sewer entrance reading town posters splashed on the walls.
Tim: Just a second guys, I so got this!
DM: (checking his watch) You know, the lock doesn’t look that strong. Perhaps. . .
Tim (to the DM): Chill! I GOT this!
More time passes as the DM begins to muse how it is a rather long dungeon with a time limit and this is, after all, only the first entrance to the very first room.
Meanwhile Rone tried to organize the Knights into memorizing various information plastered to the walls on posters, correctly deducing that the posters were there to provide clues for future encounters. Unfortunately, by this point my head was already so full with clues, tips, spells and storyline that I could no longer realistically fit anymore – Hey, I’m a child of the television. Fortunately, Rone the intellectual prodigy doesn’t really need our help to memorize the posters. He’s just trying to make us feel included.
DM: The Halfling rogue is confident there’s no trap on the lock, rather than picking it perhaps you could. . .
Tim: (waving everyone away) Dammit! I said I got it covered!
In fairness to poor Tim, whom I love to tease, after the delay with the initial puzzle box he did live up to his boast, he disarmed every trap and lock in the entire Dungeon going forward, and always with time to spare. We had the best rogue of any party in True Dungeon.
KER-chink! With a flick of the halfling’s wrist, the lock at last sprung open. Shortly thereafter we ventured into the cramped sewer way hoping to make up for lost time. . .
. . . and wandered into a shrieker plant! Doh! Now, with the bio-alarm ringing throughout the back alleys the watch was alerted to our presence and time quickly became even more of the essence. Fortunately, the Knights of the Moonlit Cabbage do not need to stoop to stealth.
We don’t, however, as it should turn out, have any particular qualms about stooping to running away. I rallied the knights to follow and lead them away from the shrieker as fast as I could, whereupon I ran us straight into. . .
. . . A Shambling Mound!
Double Doh!
The mound hurled a viscous pile of toxic goo at me and the sticky slime glued my feet to the floor. Trapped! Like rats! (Actually, I think there was a rat or two trapped in the goopey mass at my feet)
As I was unable to escape, the formidable plant creature bared down on me for the kill. I wasn’t too confident my light mace was going to be of much use.
Fortunately, the knights quickly came to my rescue, before their party cleric was ripped to shreds.
As this was our first combat there was a fair amount of confusion, but the Knights soon found their footing. The key moment for me here was when Rone, sensing my somewhat growing distress at being dismembered, decided to drop the vile plant creature with a shocking grasp spell. I shamelessly metagamed and cried out that shambling mounds are immune to electricity. Casting on the fly, he altered his spell into an acid arrow at the last moment. Striking the creature in the throat with a corrosive bolt, Rone’s strike burnt through its neck and its head dropped to the alley with a sickening wet “sploosh”. Headless, the mound blundered randomly down the maze of alleys and sewers where it slowly took its time to die. Fortunately, the sound of its wandering death throws provided exactly the diversion we needed to escape the oncoming watch.
At least for the moment.
I should explain that in order to cast spells, Rone had to memorize a rather daunting looking star chart, which was, fortunately for us, child’s play for Rone. Sparky’s spells were grade-A throughout the game.
The Cemetery Puzzle
We exited the alleys in favor of. . . the graveyard??? Had we never watched Scooby Do? Fortunately for us, the graveyard was not the site of our next ambush, but instead the host of a puzzle-trap.
To enter the graveyard’s mausoleum, the Knights were faced with the task of assembling four discs in the correct order. But the slightest misstep would result in damage and the loss of a team member’s ability to contribute to the solution. The clue read:
As best I could determine we completely solved this one. Each disc corresponded to one of the four seasons which we had to correlate to one of the four winds. Yet we managed to somehow mis-step a couple times and frag a few party members. But nothing too serious. . .
The Wraith
Once inside the mausoleum. . . wait why were in a mausoleum? It must have been Tim’s idea. Anyways, once inside the web-covered mausoleum we encountered another riddle. Determined to do better, the Knights of the moonlit Cabbage studied it carefully:
This time we were able to deduce that we needed to collect the correct gem stone tokens and hurl them into the cauldron in the mausoleum in order to trigger something (hopefully a ‘beneficial something’).
We further determined that the correct gem stones would correspond to the birth date set out on one of the crypts. However, at this point it occurred to us that being a party composed solely of very manly men none of us actually knew our birthstones. We would probably fare better with a puzzle that involved beer, soccer or perhaps grunting.
(We also didn’t pick up on the fact that we also needed the birth date from the crypt in the room prior, but at this point it didn’t matter – we were already screwed.)
After a spirited debate in which we attempted to rule out the treasure tokens which we believed did not represent birth stones at all, we ultimately knew it would come down to luck. That’s why we nominated the trusty halfling (Tim) to make the call. We braced ourselves and took cover for the likely woe that would follow.
Tim hurled the stones in the blazing brazier and then dove for cover. Just in time too, as a massive portcullis descended in response. While the trap was designed to divide the party, our foresight enabled us to thankfully manage to defensively arrange ourselves on the side with the exit.
Of course that happened to be the side which was now populated with a gigantic wraith. . .
[For those of you keeping score at home, we did not in fact select the correct birthstones at total random – go figure]
Fortunately, the giant wraith had the wimp template. A few rounds of maximized turning damage and some quick attacks by Steve, we swiftly destroyed it. I’m not entirely sure all of the Knights even appreciated there was a wraith in the room. (Thanks for the holy symbol Russ!)
For me, my favorite part of the battle was when I was trying to recall the appropriate prayer bead for the Dungeon Master in order to maximize my turning damage and Rone came over and eagerly identified it for me. Who knew the party Wizard had multi-classed?
The other part of this encounter that was especially cool was that Tim’s dramatic in-character flourish – his decision to leap across the room as he hurled the stones - turned out to have made a huge difference in game, placing him on the correct side of the portcullis.
Lair of the Medusa
Next we came to the home of a sculptor. Having heard about a zillion adventure proposals of the medusa sculptress, I really ought to have seen this one coming (or rather, made sure I didn’t see it coming.)
As having the cleric lead the way had already proven disastrous, the Knights wisely adjusted their ranks and sent in the wizard in first. (Yes, it just gets better.)
No sooner had we invaded the sculptress’ sumptuous workshop than a scantily-clad, attractive, green-skinned woman with snakes in her hair suddenly strode into the room.
“Look everyone!” cries Rone, “It’s a medusa!”
I’d like to tell you, I didn’t look, but I can’t. In fact we all followed Rone’s eager instruction and every last Knight of the Moonlit Cabbage was nearly petrified. Thank goodness for saving throws. (which miraculously every last one of us somehow made. . . you know how they say it’s better to be lucky than good?)
Although combat was supposed to break out, we were completely stymied. We all spent the next five minutes razzing poor Rone for what may have been the best and most quotable D&D line of the year. You’d better believe that “Look everyone, it’s a medusa!” was bantered around for the next two days at the con continuously.
In fact, Steve was the only one with a level head left at this point. He riffled off his smoke stick, hoping it would prevent further gaze attacks. Meanwhile, while the DM attempted to somehow coral our Rone-razzing fest into an organized combat, the medusa wandered around the room tapping everyone on the shoulder. Anyone who looked had to risk yet another save.
Fortunately, none of us were foolish enough to fall for that one. What’s that? Another save-or-die roll required for Rone – again?
Still on top of things, Steve pulled out his small steel mirror token, which we soon learned protects the bearer from gaze attacks. I immediately copied this move, embarrassed that I didn’t think of it first. No longer was I wandering around walking into walls with my hands over my eyes.
That just left the venomous snakes lashing out from the medusa’s hair. (Beauty tip for asp-iring model types: keep the killer snakes tied back in a braid.
Combat was fast and furious. Recognizing that the level of peril had been seriously cranked, Greg started expending his limited uses of his power attack while the rest of us finally focused on deflecting his shuffle disks into the critical areas on the board. One or two rounds of coordinated teamwork dropped the medusa, and miraculously no one was left doing a permanent impression of Rodan’s thinker.
Time to Throw Down!
Next came the stone golem.
Apart from the climactic finish, this encounter was True Dungeon’s primary killer-brawl event. For several rooms, the adventure had been dropping clues to foreshadow that the city watch was employing a powerful golem which prowled the streets.
Since we were well beyond the city’s curfew, given our prior slip up with the shrieker (along with Steve’s insatiable singing) it was highly probably with that we would eventually be forced to encounter this beastie. Worse, since as part of our undercover mission we were carrying the secretive trappings of agents of Iuz, there was a real possibility that such an encounter might result in a slight misunderstanding.
I didn’t know, if Challenge Ratings’ had any currency in True Dungeon or not, but as best I could determine the Knights of the Moonlit Cabbage were low level. High class, but low level. When the golem burst out of the wall and started swinging it massive boulder-like fists, I was concerned, very concerned. The conspicuous furrow on the DM’s brow was not helping.
However! Right at the outset, Rone, AKA Sparky whipped out his scroll of stone to flesh. Having already faced the medusa, we weren’t likely to need it defensively. It turned out to be one of our best moves that day. The golem failed its save and stripped of its defensive benefits the powerful golem went down like a skydiver without a parachute. Greg and Steve in particular wailed on it and I think I even I managed to get a lick in there.
The Unsolved Secret Door
This next puzzle room was, for me, my favorite encounter. We found ourselves on the inside of a wizards study and had to explore his desk and possessions to try to figure out where the secret door in his study was hidden before the watch could arrive. I learned after the event that, apparently, there were several complaints that this puzzle was too hard, as few groups could solve it in time.
Um, we didn’t actually solve it either. However, we were really getting warm, just as we ran out of time. Thanks to Rone’s timely use of detect magic we picked up several of the requisite clues and were in the process of puzzling them together when. . . the watch stormed in.
Steve tried to concoct a plausible rationale for our break-in, but thanks to our unfortunate attire the lead guard identified us as agents of Iuz. As a result we instead asked Greg to explain the unfortunate misunderstanding to the guards with the flat of his Axe. As a result we took a little damage in the scuffle and then once the watch was defeated we retreated deeper into the wizard’s lair where upon we found what we had at last been searching for. . .(gasp!)
Darkest Before the Dawn
Still under our guise as agents of Iuz we at last reached our goal, the dark portal thingie, and we obtained an audience with the Old One himself. However, before we could even begin to engage in the daring game of bluff and counter-bluff we had planned, Iuz sensed our deception. (In hindsight, it might have been Tim’s “Kiss Me, I’m Lawful Good” T-Shirt that gave us away.)
Apparently Iuz didn’t see the humor in being lied to as he immediately sicked a beholder on us. That’s the problem with villains these days, no sense of humor. When the multi-eye-tentacled beastie exploded on to the scene, I think every last knight jumped off the floor. Except Greg, nothing fazes Cool-Hand Greg.
Keep in mind this was a vile 3.5 save-or-die-beholder not the 4.0-I-turn-people-to-stone-over-time-at-their-convenience-for-the-sake-of- game-balance version (Insert Seinfeldism: "not that there's anything wrong with that").
The Horror!
There were laser-like eye rays everywhere! I remember casting bless to enhance our saves as quick as I could, but I already knew that a first level spell wasn’t going to cut it.
Mere moments into the melee, a black ray sliced into Steve’s chest and I froze as his body disintegrated in front of me.
“Spendric! Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”
While I failed my horror save, and reflected on the harsh realities of a save-or-die world, the others fought on. Rone fired back with every offensive spell he had left, while Greg and Tim charged, trying to get close enough to score a hit.
Spinning around to better angle its eye stalks, the ocular killing machine fired at both Tim and Rone simultaneously.
“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” I cried. (They got more “ooo’s cause there were two of them)
Rone too was disintegrated into a small trace of dust, while a horrific orange ray suddenly caused Tim’s heart to stop.
The noble halfling Hitchcock spun around to face me with his hand outstretched as if to say some final words, but he collapsed before they could be formed in his throat. Helpless, I watched the light die away in his eyes.
"Noooooooooooooooooooooo!" (Ok that last one was just cause I like throwing those "ooo's" out there.
Just Two Knights Left!
With the Knights almost finished, the beholder got cocky. Instead of blasting me to smithereens, the beholder flew in and chomped down on me with its bite. I remember my final thoughts as my spine snapped in two, under the force of the aberration’s over-sized jaw: “With all the beholder’s deadly rays, I must be the first adventurer to ever actually suffer the humiliation of dying from a beholder’s bite attack.
The beholder’s melee attack however, proved to be a potentially game-changing tactical error. Having at last descended into melee range, the eye tyrant exposed himself to the might of Oppesando, our remaining warrior. Vaulting off a fallen pillar Greg leapt into the air and landed on top of the beholder. From there, he drove his axe into aberration’s head again and again and again.
At this point, while the rest of us cheered from the sidelines-of-the-deceased, Greg demonstrated his amazing skill at shuffleboard, as he hit the super-high AC’d beholder over and over. “Kill that Non-OGL bastard!” in particular was a favorite cheer of the deceased knights. I like to think though that Greg’s true inspiration was his overpowering urge to avenge his fallen comrades. This was one close fight – seriously, it doesn’t get any better than this.
Suddenly the beholder slowly began to crash to the ground, not unlike like when a certain star destroyer lost its gyroscope and floated into the death star. Blasting eye rays continued to lash out in all directions and then finally stopped in silence.
As the dust from the crash cleared, my ghost knew in its ethereal heart that the last Knight of the Moonlit Cabbages had also died in the conflagration, but what a way to go and what a foe to take with you.
(We’ll always remember you Greg!)
Wait! Wait!! What’s that?! Slowly but surely a battered Greg climbed from the ruble of the defeated beholder husk.
HE DID IT!
HE MADE IT!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE KNIGHTS OF THE MOONLIT CABBAGE HAVE WON THE DAY!
(I’m was so excited I swear I’d have done a jig if my spine wasn’t snapped in half.)
I was deeply touched that Greg decided to take a moment after his victory to kneel beside the corpses of his four fallen allies. I think he’s saying a few final words of farewell. I gotta come closer to hear this. . .
Wait a second, is he looting our corpses!? Aw &*%$##! Greg!!!
And with that Greg strode off into the sunset.
And so, gentle reader that ends True Dungeon Adventure 2007 for the Knights of the Moonlit Cabbage.
But perhaps we’ll be able to field a band next year. Wiser, stronger and even more laden with plastic tokens!
Excellent!
Thanks guys! We had a time.