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BEGIN TRANSMISSION 6:02 pm
As those following the news in the Pacific Northwest may already know, an inch or so of snow has completely locked down everything in Seattle - including Paizo. Thanks to steep freeway on-ramps, there's currently a small group of staff survivors stuck in the Paizo compound with no way to get home. The current roster:
James Sutter
Wes Schneider
James Jacobs
Mike McArtor
Jeremy Walker
Sarah Robinson
Phil Lacefield Jr.
Jason Bulmahn
Things are getting desperate. We've been here for twenty, maybe thirty minutes. People are starting to lose it. There's nothing to eat but beer, soda, and chocolate-covered macademia nuts sent by Nick Logue. Tensions are high.
No word yet on the expedition leader, Capt. Erik Mona, who left perhaps 15 minutes ago in an attempt to reach "the outside." On his way downstairs, he passed Phil Lacefield - a rather mountain-y midwestern man who owns a chainsaw - on his way back in and had the following exchange:
Erik: "You?! But you left already! You're not afraid of the snow!"
Phil: "I am now."
AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION: There's now an official poll up on EN World - who should Paizo eat first? Please vote now at:
http://www.enworld.org/showthread.php?t=184964
Keep in mind that Wes and I weigh far less than the others.
END TRANSMISSION
SECOND TRANSMISSION 6:13pm
Something appears to be wrong with the environmental controls at Paizo. Despite the icy conditions, the heat continues to rise in the building. Possibly psychosomatic. People shedding clothes. Not pretty.
Pray for us.
END TRANSMISSION
So...is this a joke...or at least a half-joke?
I can believe that you all got trapped in a blizzard (best of luck to you if the case be true). However, you seem to be of awfully good spirits for someone trapped in snow.
I don't mean to offend or anything. If at all, I'm impressed. If you all are truly trapped in a blizzard, you're doing a lot better than I'd be doing at this point.
(But then again, I live in NC, where about an inch of snow can cause some people to panic.)
(PS Again, if you are trapped, sorry for sounding like I'm calling you guys out for lying or something. Like I said, your mood is different from what I'd expect is all.)
First thing's first: secure all sharp objects. Now, asking everyone for their car keys may be suspicious, so trust that most of your colleagues won't be savage and vicious enough to attempt using those. But break room knives, forks and spoons, ornamental swords, staplers, boxcutters and all manner of other objects should be secreted away (keeping perhaps the most deadly of these on your person for the sake of fending off cabin fever addled co-workers or starting the feast of human flesh yourself and getting the finest pieces).
If anyone hogs the macadamia nuts, they should be first on the list of who to eat.
Ask yourself: who has the strongest desire to live? A happy marriage, children, a good home and/or a really high level WoW character can make even the most jovial and rotund member of a magazine staff into a whirling storm of psychotic desperation.
Is anyone a known alcoholic? Anyone have a messy divorce or clinical depression? Who will accept death with the least expenditure of energy on the part of the survivors? Who is the most noble? Who would sacrifice themselves for the well-being of the rest of the magazine staff?
Hardest question: Who writes the best adventures and is least replacable on the staff? Whose body will be the easiest to dispose of after the carnal feast is over? In this case, the smallest person may be the best option.
Finally, who tastes the best? Which person eats the most sweets, bathes regularly in gravy and eats a lot of red meat? Vegetarians can be considered the least desirable in this case; but remember, human meat is vegan friendly. It says so in the Bible. One of the letters to the Corinthians or something.
I see Scatman Cruthers sitting in front of that buxom painting getting a telepathic message from James Sutter. "My grandmother called it the Shining, boy."
And James Jacobs at the typewriter typing, "All work and no play makes James Jacobs a dull boy....all work and no play makes James Jacobs a dull boy...all work and no play makes James Jacobs a dull boy....."for about 12 pages.
The who eats who thing's obviously a joke, but yeah, we're looking at a pretty crazy snowstorm here. But one of the main problems we have with snow in the region is the fact that there's an awful lot of steep hills around these parts. It snows so rarely that it's never really a problem, but when it comes down hard, it turns one of the worst-traffic-regions in the nation into an immense parking lot.
We had another snowstorm in November. My normal 30 minute commute home turned into a 4 hour commute. Mike McArtor's normal 30 or so trip turned into a 7 hour commute. All because of a few inches of snow.
Anyway, at this point there's 8 of us here at the office. The other seven went out to the local grocery store to secure food and drink in case we DO get stuck here overnight, leaving me here. Alone. Which means this is a great time to set some traps and entrench my position in case they don't make it to the food store and come back hungry...
I think the best part is that the snow is expected to stop in a couple of hours, but we're going to have sub-freezing temperatures all night long. So all our roads (and yes they are hilly!) will be covered with thick sheaths of awesome slippery ice.
I'm out on my deck right now and I can hear cars skidding in the distance already. (No, really!)
Just for some perspective on how wierd and crazy Seattle weather is, here on the west side, close to the sound, all the snow has already melted. The hail that came down just a half hour ago is all gone. However, it's very wet, and if temperatures do drop below freezing, we're screwed too.
Good luck to you all... ONLY ONE SHALL LEAVE!!!
ps, Guess you'll just have to settle back and enjoy the greatest game of D&D ever. I assume someone brought the dice. ;D
Well, like I said...half-joke.
(I expected the eating thing to be a joke.)
I missed the part about steep snow-covered hills. Sorry.
All I have to say then is, best of luck. If I were you, I'd run a D&D game right now, but that's just my opinion on what to do to pass the time. Oh, and sleeping passes time too. ;)
THIRD TRANSMISSION: 7:41pm
Provisioning run to the QFC successful - no party members lost, much frozen pizza and snacky food procured. Watched dozens of cars attempt to make it up the freeway on-ramps, only to end in the ditch. Word from Capt. Mona: has reached outside world, but no hope of sending support. Several members are considering making a run for it when the snow lessons in a few hours. Nobody left has wives or children - we have only ourselves to think of.
END TRANSMISSION
At this point... once we decide we CAN'T make it home (which happens at about 10:00 I expect)... I'm gonna see about running Maure Castle, with the rule that you can't go to sleep until at least three characters have been killed.
Awesome. You guys stay safe and try to make the best of it. Is there a liquor store near there, 'cuz I'd need some scotch.
At this point... once we decide we CAN'T make it home (which happens at about 10:00 I expect)... I'm gonna see about running Maure Castle, with the rule that you can't go to sleep until at least three characters have been killed.
In bed by 10:05 is more like. :-)
Ration those choco-mac nuts man! Ration them!
I'm checking out the poll, but let me say that regardless of the votes, James Sutter is getting eaten. I mean, he's vegan, so it's not like its worth letting him live to eat someone else is it. Chow down guys!
See now, if I was there, I'd help out with the food bit with my amazing Demon Queen of Victuals cooking skillz!
Right now (in central Oregon), we've got a dusting of snow earlier in the day that melted a bit, and we're expected to drop into the single digits tonight. So the roads are nice and icy, what I like to call "slicker than deer guts on a door knob," and expected to be worse in the morning. Whee! At least it's not Colorado!
Time to pull out the wool blankets!
Seriously, if y'all do attempt to drive home, be safe and take your time. If you don't, I hope you have a pack of mint gum in your desk for in the morning. :)
As far as the poll goes...I would vote that you lure in whoever is preventing the Age of Worms Hardcover from coming out. I've got enough bizarre recipes, I'm pretty sure I have one for long pig. >:)
Reality check for the the benefit of MaxSlasher26 and anyone else that doesn't live in the Pacific Northwest:
There is no blizzard. There is no storm. What happened here was this: It snowed. Whenever it snows, everyone always calls it a "snowstorm" or a "blizzard," when in fact it's nothing more than just snow falling.
The Paizo staff is not trapped in their office because there is a raging blizzard outside. Rather, they are stuck because they don't want to drive in the snow. They snow isn't that deep, but it doesn't take much to make the roads dangerous. I don't blame them. :)
They've been real quiet...
You guys alright?
Eat anyone yet?
I'm from Buffalo, so when this happens in other places, I just can't comprehend it. But I know the Paizo bunch, they are hardy folk, and if they don't want to venture out...there must be a good reason...I cast detect evil at the snow...
Buffalo wings?
Buffalo wings?They've been real quiet...
You guys alright?
Eat anyone yet?
I'm from Buffalo, so when this happens in other places, I just can't comprehend it. But I know the Paizo bunch, they are hardy folk, and if they don't want to venture out...there must be a good reason...I cast detect evil at the snow...
Oh, it hurts so much...why did you have to do that Heath...
There is nothing I miss more since going veggie. NOTHING! You are so cruel!!!
Buffalo wings?They've been real quiet...
You guys alright?
Eat anyone yet?
I'm from Buffalo, so when this happens in other places, I just can't comprehend it. But I know the Paizo bunch, they are hardy folk, and if they don't want to venture out...there must be a good reason...I cast detect evil at the snow...
Oh, it hurts so much...why did you have to do that Heath...
There is nothing I miss more since going veggie. NOTHING! You are so cruel!!!
Chicken's a vegetable! Well, kfc is. It grows on an octopus tree. I saw the documentary on IFC. Enjoy!
Chicken's a vegetable! Well, kfc is. It grows on an octopus tree. I saw the documentary on IFC. Enjoy!Buffalo wings?They've been real quiet...
You guys alright?
Eat anyone yet?
I'm from Buffalo, so when this happens in other places, I just can't comprehend it. But I know the Paizo bunch, they are hardy folk, and if they don't want to venture out...there must be a good reason...I cast detect evil at the snow...
Oh, it hurts so much...why did you have to do that Heath...
There is nothing I miss more since going veggie. NOTHING! You are so cruel!!!
In that case...
::leaps into the air and begins flying from Hawai'i to Buffalo::
::Lands in Buffalo right outside the Anchor Bar, purchases several pounds of wings::
::leaps into the air and flies from Buffalo to Bellevue::
Hang in there guys! I'm coming!!!
Buffalo wings?They've been real quiet...
You guys alright?
Eat anyone yet?
I'm from Buffalo, so when this happens in other places, I just can't comprehend it. But I know the Paizo bunch, they are hardy folk, and if they don't want to venture out...there must be a good reason...I cast detect evil at the snow...
Oh, it hurts so much...why did you have to do that Heath...
There is nothing I miss more since going veggie. NOTHING! You are so cruel!!!
Stay strong, Nicolas! They can't tempt you! Gardenburger riblets are almost as good and nothing died but soybeans. Those brave, martyred soybeans. Albert Schweitzer endorses the product; how wrong could he be?
And besides, you can still eat human. Sentience and the ability to be truly malicious separates us from the beasts, so, really, you're kind of obligated to join me and the trapped Paizo staff for the cannibal feast to come.
Buffalo wings?They've been real quiet...
You guys alright?
Eat anyone yet?
I'm from Buffalo, so when this happens in other places, I just can't comprehend it. But I know the Paizo bunch, they are hardy folk, and if they don't want to venture out...there must be a good reason...I cast detect evil at the snow...
Oh, it hurts so much...why did you have to do that Heath...
There is nothing I miss more since going veggie. NOTHING! You are so cruel!!!
Stay strong, Nicolas! They can't tempt you! Gardenburger riblets are almost as good and nothing died but soybeans. Those brave, martyred soybeans. Albert Schweitzer endorses the product; how wrong could he be?
And besides, you can still eat human. Sentience and the ability to be truly malicious separates us from the beasts, so, really, you're kind of obligated to join me and the trapped Paizo staff for the cannibal feast to come.
I've found my lot in life. Wicked tempter of vegans into carnivorous recidivism!
Here you go boys! The first one's free... ;)
Hey Keegan! When's the last time you had some lobster tail?
::Clutches Seafood Addicts Anonymous medal, right eye twitching ever so slightly:: I-I've been....s-s-s-s-six years clean now. I can't eat the lobster, no sir. The lobster is my friend. The lobster is my spirit animal. Go to a happy place, James, go to a happy place...
Oh, sorry none of us have posted in a while, guys. You must all be terribly worried about us. Well... you need not worry about Phil anymore. He put up a valiant fight. Such a majestic animal. Like the wily wildebeest. But more complainy. Anyway, our hands have been too covered in BBQ sauce to properly type any responses. We're all hanging in there okay.
Now.
Well, except for Phil.
Oh, sorry none of us have posted in a while, guys. You must all be terribly worried about us. Well... you need not worry about Phil anymore. He put up a valiant fight. Such a majestic animal. Like the wily wildebeest. But more complainy. Anyway, our hands have been too covered in BBQ sauce to properly type any responses. We're all hanging in there okay.
Now.
Well, except for Phil.
So why Phil?
He refused to play the cleric in the evening's game?
In December 2004 I got stuck in a blizzard about 3 miles from my house. I was in uniform (I'm a police officer for those who don't know) because I had just come home from a deputy's funeral.
I started walking....in uniform....wearing a scarf valiantly around my neck.
I had to handle a bus accident off-duty because the on-duty cops couldn't make it to the scene (stupid rear wheel drive Crown Vics).....
I kept walking past the idiots spinning their wheels on the ice, looking at me with their sheep-like eyes.
"Aren't you going to do something?" (Sure, I'll do my magic "dispel weather" dance)
I was doing okay until I got to a parking lot about a mile from my house. I got caught in the middle of the parking lot, on black ice, when a nasty wind gust caught me and threw me to the ground and I skidded on all fours (in uniform) about 50 feet into a curb....in front of about 50 witnesses who were waiting out the storm at a restaurant.
I would have had 'some' dignity left had a bunch of them not come out of the restaurant to yell--"Officer, officer are you okay?" Of course, they were laughing their asses off....
Yes, I made it home okay. I'm glad I was able to brighten the night of those poor citizens stuck in a restaurant with my death-defying skidding cop across the parking lot in an ice storm trick. Thank God no one had a video camera ready.
who's going to turn out to be the doppleganger/flesh-eating thing from another planet?
MacReady: I know I'm human. And if you were all these things, then you'd just attack me right now, so some of you are still human. This thing doesn't want to show itself, it wants to hide inside an imitation. It'll fight if it has to, but it's vulnerable out in the open. If it takes us over, then it has no more enemies, nobody left to kill it. And then it's won.
Hopefully, chili or burritos weren't served in the Paizo cafeteria for lunch...
Stay strong, Nicolas! They can't tempt you! Gardenburger riblets are almost as good and nothing died but soybeans. Those brave, martyred soybeans. Albert Schweitzer endorses the product; how wrong could he be?And besides, you can still eat human. Sentience and the ability to be truly malicious separates us from the beasts, so, really, you're kind of obligated to join me and the trapped Paizo staff for the cannibal feast to come.
Oh, I would still definately eat people. People are a!!~#+&s.
There are a few Chinese restaurants that specialize in "meat" dishes made from soy products, and they do taste a lot like the real deal. I break down every now and then and go. They take pity on me. Their like: "Yep, he's one of those late in life veggie converts...sad, just sad."
I didn't realize Mr. Logue was a vegetarian. That explains all those bloodthirsty adventures.
I went to school in Buffalo, which explains his desire to live in Hawaii...
...and I was involved in Theatre earlier in life, which helps explain... why I don't have a career...Oh wait...never mind.
Seriously, stay strong & weather it out, Paizofolk! I know how freaky frozen precipitation can be. It need not be the gateway to cannibalism, however. If you do resort to cannibalism, remember, the organ meats are high in nutrients and spoil quicker...
Of course this blizzard would happen on the day my Christmas present finally ships... or not. *g*