Chuffy grits his teeth as Poog says Rita best as stabbity-stabs; everyone knows Chuffy bestest at that. While the others distract the shamaness, Chuffy creeps around the rest of the goblins to get a gauge of their value to the group. He still seethed in anger about not being around to spot the hoomans coming in to wipe out the tribe; if Chuffy had been there to do his Watcher business, hoomans would have dieded. He watches them quietly before sneaking up to one of them and jabbing them in butt with one of his metal skewers! When they yelp with fright, Chuffy cackles and laughs wickedly before coming back around to stand with Poog and Rita. "Chuffy bestest at sneaky and looky. You need Chuffy to do sneaky and surprising. You all too scared."
"He good looker, but I'm best stabber." she gives Chuffy an elbow to the ribs. Then she does her best to look like the biggest, bravest, smartest, loudest goblin there ever was.
Mogmurch's eyes shift from side to side, narrowing as the others chatter on about their own great qualities.
He then grins wickedly as a thought crosses his mind.
I suppose life could be worse than joining another group of victims to test my 'splodies on.
His grin quickly vanishes and he steps forward to speak.
"You be scared of something, though me no think it be us you scared of. What you be scared of?" he demands.
The wrinkled old woman goblin moves closer, the crowd of goblins parting to give her a wide berth muttering to each other as they realize who is coming through. "Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh!"
Her eyes bulge from her wrinkled face, and she walks hunched over, leaning on a gnarled wooden staff decorated with puppy tails and horse ears. On special occasions (such as when greeting visiting goblin heroes), she wears a ratty doghide gown cinched with a rope belt from which hang dog’s paws, a pair of horseshoes, a fearsomely large dead stirge, and the pickled and shrunken head of a bright blue mite.
“Well, well! What have we here? Licktoads, by the look of you, and from what I hear, orphans as well, hmm? Looking for a new place to live, I suspect? Well, you might be in luck, because we need new blood. Our own chieftains have been... lacking... in chieftainish ways. We’ve been having problems lately with an ogre and his fire-breathing boars, you see, and any goblins capable of killing the boars and driving off the ogre... or driving off the boars and killing the ogre... or... or whatever— well, they’ll not only be welcomed into Birdcruncher territory with open arms. They’ll be made chieftains, one and all!”
With that, the gathered Birdcruncher goblins suddenly animate into cheers and song. Eager and excited, they surge out of the cave to welcome their saviors, but suddenly freeze as the old woman shrieks out a command for silence. The goblins freeze in place, and she continues in a softer voice.
“But we can’t just assume you’re the stuff chieftains are made of. You might just be lucky. No, no... before we accept you as our saviors and before you’ll even have a chance to face off against Pa Munchmeat and his pig... I declare we have a Chieftain Moot!”
Once again, the gathered goblins break out into cheers and song, breaking out in clumps and groups as they begin the preparations! Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh barks out a few orders and directions before turning her attention back to you. "Go now.. have fun while you can! You may not live to see another party!"
As you move out into the Birdcrunchers, they are all too happy to tell you all about Sprattleharsh! They whisper that she made one warrior who offended her vomit up a handful of spiny toads, and once set fire to a chief who interrupted her. One story even relates how she made a goblin who tried to curse the tribe write down the word “breathe”—after which he promptly forgot how to breathe and died on the spot. The Birdcrunchers happily confirm how wonderful she is, if asked, and how any new ruler would be wise to listen to her— or else!
When I chief. Old Mummy Splatterharsh has to go. She no make me vomit or catch on fire. Only Mogmurch can do that.
She spends the day listening to the stories, and asking about the ogre and the fire breathing pig. "Why no one else go after them?"
Seeing the reactions of the tribe and hearing the compliments they lavish on Sprattleharsh, Mog grins and nods his head in silence.
She sounds wicked and smart. My kinda big boss! As long as she lets me burn and 'splode things when I want, I will chief for her... 'till we burn and 'splode her that is. Then Rita be big boss. She wicked and smart too, and Chuffy and Poog like her best anyway.
"You bet we will be chiefs for you! We show that ogre not to mess with Birdcrunchers!" he says with a fist pump laden with a 'splody vial!
He looks to his friends, the 'splodies on his belt, and then to the faces of Chuffy, Rita and Poog, his wicked grin growing so wide his head seems to threaten to fall open.
"You heard her! Let's have some fun. What shall we burn, stab, bash, and 'splode first?! Whatever it is, we should eat it too. I'm hungry! We can worry 'bout the biggun and his fire pigs after we eat!"
Poog turns green with envy, staring at Sprattleharsh's finely decorated staff, as well as the various paraphernalia hanging from her belt. When me chief, me make you gimme! he thinks to himself in a fit of bravado.
But that is before he hears the stories of what she's done to previous previous chieftains, quivering especially when he hears the tale about vomiting of toads. He clutches "Dogfinder" more tightly within his grasp.
But one thing always lifts his mood. "Yes! Food! You think they got them purple worms? Or crunchy beetles! Yum!"
Chuffy grins, rubbing his gnarled, pustular hands together. 'Yes, this good place to have fun. Rita make good Chieftess.'
"Yes, foods and drinks and surprises. And... FIRE!" Chuffy begins to dance around as one of his boils pops and showers a nearby Birdmuncher with its puss. "Hah! Lord Farkwad likes you! He give you blessing of puss!"
The goblins around her immediately stop talking and look at her in sullen stubborness. "We sent many many goblins in. Chief go in too.. then next chief.. several chiefs together.." one manages to pipe up, holding up three fingers on the word "Many". "They not come back, so now we need new heroes AND new chiefs."
Mogmurch accepts the words of Sprattleharsh and immediately accepts her as his superior before turning and looking for the sport of flames and blades.
Poog is put off by the little old goblins weirdness and vows (in his head) to take all her goodies before setting out in search of food, followed closely by Chuffy, who can't decide who is going to have more fun.. Poog or Mog!
As darkness falls, the tribe gathers for the feast around the cave's central bonfire. The feast consists almost entirely of various bird dishes—seagull soup, charred grackle, raven’s-eye pudding, vulture-ups, spicy sparrow poppers, and squeaky beakies are just a portion of the often-challenging dishes presented to you!
As the meal is winding down, Wise Mummy brings out the fabled Crunchy Crown of the Birdcruncher Tribe—a crown made out of bird skulls and bones and wings and twigs. She places the Crunchy Crown near the bonfire, and in the breath holding silence she proclaims "Tomorrow we get new chiefs!! These chiefs will be able to kick that ugly Munchmeat ogre out of Ravenroost! Whoever can prove their worth will not only get to wear the Crunchy Crown, but you also get to loot Chieftain's Treasure Chest!!"
Throughout the proclamation, the crowd of Birdcrunchers Oooohh and Aaaaahhhhh at all the appropriate spots through the speech.
The revelries continue late through the night, until you pass out in the early hours of the morning.. just to be woken up bright and early as the Birdcrunchers chuffle and poke you into the main cave to start the festivities!!
Rita opens an eye. "Quit poking me. I get up. What you names?" When I big chief. I stabby stabby for poking me awake. She follows into the main cave ready to start the festivities. Her eyes are still a little blurry.
Poog's stomach is not good. Whether it was the raven's eyes or the seagull feathers, his gut is groaning and complaining. Finally, right in front of the cave entrance, out spews forth the semi-digested remains of last night's feast (which shall be left undescribed). That seems to go on for eternity before Poog eventually stands up with a sigh of relief, wiping his hand across his mouth. "There! Me feel good now!" But that is when he sees the cave entrance. Hmm, maybe not so good.
Very subtly, very sneakily, he moves behind Rita, while pulling out a wand in his hand.
Rita doesn't notice Poog move up.
Snapping and gnashing his sharp teeth at the poking, Mogmurch snarls and blinks his eyes awake over the next few moments.
"Stop the poking! I'm hungry and I'll eat your fingers!"
Rolling over and quickly getting to his feet, the littlest goblin shifts his eye patch from his left eye to his right, then sets his familiar skull mask back to covering his face.
"Yeah, yeah, we're awake. I guess it's time to start, eh?"
As the bleary eyed and rough stomached group gets wheedled out of bed and out to the front of the cave, you are met by Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh herself.
"Well, the party has been thrown, and the Chieftains to be have volunteered. We choose our chieftain by winner of three dares!!" she proclaims to the cheers of the Birdcrunchers. "First dare not far.. come!" With that, she turns around and carefully makes her way away from the caves.
She moves south and the trail winds about a quarter mile through the woods before opening up on a small valley. You walk behind Sprattleharsh but at the head of the rest of the procession. Reaching the valley, you are led out to the middle of the valley, where Sprattleharsh explains the first of the dares. "Chieftains are best fighters.. EVER!" she declares. "You prove who the best by shooting the birds we release. We release one group near, one group middle, and one group far. You shoot arrows at each group, and the winner is the one with the most points. First group is worth 2 points each, second is worth 4 points each, and the third is worth 6 points." She gestures at some helper goblins, who rush forward with a bow and a quiver of arrows for each of you. Looking closer, you can see that each of you have arrows that are fletched a different color.. so it will be easy to see who shoots what.
"Oh.. and you be blindfolded too!!"
Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh gives a wet cackle as she turns and moves to the first barrel of captured birds! Meanwhile, the helper goblins have stepped up behind you and tied dirty scraps of cloth around your eyes as blindfolds.
Poog starts grumbling to himself. "Rita surely win. No fair. Should test how good we set fire! Me win for sure." Nonetheless, he still grudgingly takes over the bow and arrows and allows himself to be blindfolded.
He was still grumbling away and does not even realised the seagulls have been released.
Proudly accepting a blindfold and a bow and arrows, Mogmurch spins around as if absolutely sure where the birds are...
...and even though he completely fails to sense them, he deftly pulls one arrow from the pack and randomly lets it fly anyway with a wide grin.
"Arrow away!" he shouts enthusiastically!
The audience is not nearly as enthused or confident in Mogmurch after the arrow sinks into the helmet/broken pot of a spectator.
The chieftains-to-be line up and allow themselves to be blindfolded. The helper goblins point you in.. generally.. the right direction, and you pensively stand there waiting for Wise Mummy to release the first barrel of birds.
Poog and Mogmurch stand there waiting.. and waiting.. as the birds fly off and disappear into the woods.
Rita steps up. She's not happy with the blindfold. "I can shoot birds." She shoots in the right direction, and could have hit the bird, buuuut.
Rita steps up to the mark and waits patiently. Her keen ears catch the fluttering of tasty feathers, and she lifts the bow and releases the arrow.. but misses spectacularly to the cheers and jeers of the watching goblins.
Chuffy also hears the birds fly away, and trains his bow back and forth, trying to hit the birds.. but ends up pointing right at the audience when he releases!!!
The arrow zips across and parts the hair of a watching goblin!! Despite the cacophony of shrieks, no goblins are injured by the errant arrow.
Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh shakes her head in dismay as the goblins shoot everywhere but at the birds. She ambles over to the second crate of birds, and calls out to you so you may reorient yourselves. "THIS WAY you WHELPS!! You hunt birds, not goblin!!"
With that, she once more tosses open the barrel and then falls flat to avoid the incoming.
Sprattleharsh's harsh words brings Poog back to attention from his grumbling. "Ah yes! Now we start!" not realising that they have already moved to the second round.
"Heehee! There it!" Poog hears the seagulls distinctively and releases the arrow straight in its direction. "Me sure win!"
Chuffy snickers at the screams of surprise from his last arrow. 'Keep 'em on there toes!'
This time Chuffy stops, collaborates, and listens... as Sprattleharsh shouts. He turns towards the sound, giggling at Poog's mistake of missing the first flock of crunchable birdsis, and then quickly lets an arrow fly in the direction of all the flappy-flaps! He listens for the wonderful squawk of a bird getting impaled upon his arrow. "Hah! Chuffy bestest at no-see bird shooties!"
"What? No! Bad Chuffy! Poog best!"
Rita stomps as she misses with her arrow. "Me found birds. Me shoot at them. Me shouldn't miss." She tries again.
FINALLY hearing the birds loud enough to locate them, Mog spins again and lets loose an arrow...
...but much preferring his bombs, his arrow flies completely off the mark!
Poog is the first one to release an arrow at the second barrel of pigeons.. and it looks great! He is facing the right direction, He times it right, the arrow goes aloft.. but it veers to the side, whistling in at another group of goblins that were getting too close! you hear a chorus of screams and curses, but noone is hurt.
Chuffy though.. Oh Chuffy!! His arrow follows close behind Poogs, but misses the draft that blew the other arrow wonky. His arrow strikes true, bringing a pigeon to the ground!! Old Mummy Sprattleharsh cackles in glee, and calls out "4 points for the short one!!"
Rita hears the birds fly off, but points her bow in the wrong direction! Her arrow also heads toward the spectators, striking a tree right next to an enterprising goblin that has climbed higher than his mates trying to see. With a cry, he tumbles backwards!
Breaking the tradition of aiming for goblins instead of the birds, Mogmurch fires his arrow in a long, high arc.. and it simply falls back to earth in the middle of the field, earning him a great many jeers and curses from the crowd.
Wise Old Mummy Sprattleharsh gets up from her position on the ground, and moves towards a third barrel of birds even farther away. He voice comes back to you faint from the distance. "Last one!! Shoot the birds, not the goblins!!" before she once again lifts the lid then hides.
Unfortunately for Chuffy, he is far too busy gloating about being the only goblin to hit a bird thus far and completely misses the fact that the birds have been released. "Heh, Chuffy the bestest at bird shooting." He props himself up on the bow with a wicked grin. "You whelps no hit the birds like Chuffy."
When/if the others release their arrows at the birds, Chuffy scrambles to quickly shoot an arrow in a random direction!
♫•*¨*•."Chuffy the bestest at bird shooting"♫•*¨*•. Mog says in a small, yet still mocking, sing song voice.
"Just point me in the right direction, and I will kill a bird too! Just you watch!"
But try as he might, Mog just can't tell where the birds are with the hooting and chattering of all the nearby goblins. He shoots anyway, hoping to hit Chuffy for his boasting if nothing else.
Rita getting angry at missing so many times listens closely for the birds to be released. She hears a slight sound, and fires her arrow true.
"I heard them, and you didn't. I'm going to show I'm the bestest." she tries to distract the others when they fire by continuing to talk well yell loudly really.
From Old Mummy Sprattleharsh's commentary and the response from the audience, even Poog is smart enough to figure how that his shot did not go well, and Chuffy's did. He grumbles to himself, and although it is not evidently clear what he said, words like, "dumb... thinks highly... stupid game..." are audible.
With a deep pout, he points his arrow rather randomly and sullenly in where he thinks he hears the birds, and without too much case, releases his arrow.
Chuffy is unable to repeat his performance in the last round, and releases a late arrow that goes way off into the distance to the collected jeers and catcalls of the crowd.
Mogmurch joins Chuffy as a target for the jeers as he too releases a late arrow into nothingness
Rita however, takes the lead and the crowd of watching goblins goes wild as she releases at just the right time.. and her arrow soars in, taking a pigeon right in the throat! Several goblin children dart in and begin fighting over wanting the remains for dinner.
Poog holds his shot for a moment longer, feeling the grace of Zargonel guiding his aim. He releases just at the right time, taking the last pigeon, and ending the dispute between the goblin children by adding a second meal to the pot!
Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh cackles madly as the last of the birds falls and you take your blindfolds off to see the results. "Three birds down, but only two leaders!!" she calls out derisively. "Are you sure that you are chieftains? Maybe whelps to go back in the cage?? Come, Follow me. Next challenge waits!"
The crowd of rowdy goblins sweeps you up in the party as everyone moves to the west, where a particularly low valley has subsided into a permanent swamp of nasty standing water. A failed attempt by the Birdcrunchers to build a bunch of huts on stilts left behind a haphazard arrangement of wobbly posts creating narrow bridges that stand 10 feet off the ground. Looking around, you can see a number of birds tied to different posts around the area.
Mummy Sprattleharsh calls you forward, and the rest of the tribe forms a loose half circle behind you facing the swamp. She calls out loud enough to be heard by everyone. "Alright!! Next dare!! We give you boots, you go stomp-stomp on the birds! Simple! You not fall, or you out of dare. Most birds crunched makes next Birdcruncher Chief!! I throw Loud Rock and you run in!! Get your boots on!"
Once you are all ready, Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh pulls a small stone from her pocket and turns towards the swamp. She tosses the stone against a piling where it explodes with a thunderous crack! The stirges all fly up to the limit of their tethers, crying and flapping about.
"Bold May Post"
Birds
Rita
Chuffy
Poog
Mogmurch
Rita stomps up to the northern row of Stirges. She pulls out her bow, and fires it at the furthest away stirge.
"Why stomp stomp? When can burn!" Poog cackles gleefully seeing the stirges tethered and unable to flee. He squelches through the mud to the edge, points a finger at the nearest and shoots a bolt of fire at it!
Mogmurch cackles his agreement with Poog, "HAhaHA! YES! BURN them be BEST!" before grabbing a vial from his belt, boldly stepping forward and throwing one of his famous 'splodies at a cluster of stirges, aiming for one to receive the vial in full...
Rita moves towards the planks and pulls her bow out, but finds her luck has not really improved with the addition of sight!
Poog also takes exception to the stated rules, and emits a bolt of fire across the swamp. The stirge bursts into a puff of roasted insectoid!
Mogmurch tosses a bomb into the fray, but manages to overshoot his target.
"Bold May Post"
Birds
Rita
Chuffy
Poog
Mogmurch
Chuffy pulls out his hand crossbow and takes aim at the nearest stirge.
His crossbow bolt hums across the planks and strikes its target, but doesn't do too much harm to it!
The birds flap and caw, throwing themselves about at the limits of the tethers keeping them tied to the posts!
"Bold May Post"
Birds
Rita
Chuffy
Poog
Mogmurch
"Even when I miss I burn them!" Mogmurch laughs as his first 'splody goes off target to splash a different stirge.
He quickly grabs for another 'splody and throws it at different pair of stirges farther away. "Come on and kill these beasties!" he hollers to the others.
Rita fires a the stirge/bird again with her bow. Ha I'm going to kill it." she stomps with her boots.
Poog sees Mogmurch throw an explosive, blowing up pieces of stirges. "Hey, no fair! You blow many many!" Poog pouts. Then suddenly, a torch lights above his head and he realises that he can blow things up as well. Whipping out a wand, he aims it at a group of the stirge and suddenly, a thunderous explosion rock the area! He jumps up and down with glee.
Mog tosses another bomb into the cloud of birds, taking one of them out immediately and hurting the one next to it pretty badly.
Rita manages to hit her target, but can't quite bring the creature down.
Poog pulls out a wand and with a sudden cacophony of sound and sight, the birds in his targeted area all drop from the air, stunned. They dangle by the rope tied to their legs!
The surrounding goblins go absolutely batsh!t as the chieftains to be pull out all the stops and fill the valley with explosions and smoke. You see money changing hands and factions forming as the goblins pick their favorites. Everyones eyes turn towards Chuffy to see what he will do!
"Bold May Post"
Birds
Rita
Chuffy
Poog
Mogmurch
Chuffy looks at all the birds dangling from Poog's magic and gets a wonderfully, awful idea. He reloads his little crossbow and takes aim at the already injured birds before firing his weapon at the nearest one! He looks over at Poog and sticks out of his tongue.
Poogs cacophony of sound not only stuns the birds, but they drop dead from the concussion wave!
Chuffy then takes aim at the nearest wounded Stirge, dropping that one as he sticks his tongue out at Poog!
The insectoid things flutter and flap, but with the goblins staying far away, they are impotent to do anything to their killers!
"Bold May Post"
Birds
Rita
Chuffy
Poog
Mogmurch
"I like your boom stick Poog! Time to burn more for me!"
He winds up his arm comically, ready to let loose another 'splody. With a toothy grin he says, "He beak face! Catch!"
Poog claps his hands in glee and sticks his tongue back out at Chuffy. "Bbbbllleearrrggghhh!" Since that worked so well, even though the stirges are thinning, he runs to the other side, he points his wand at another cluster and lets loose another sonic explosion!
"Not fair. You stay away from me." she tries to knock the splody stick out of Poog's hand with her elbow as she fires her bow at the stirge in font of her.
Mog throws another bomb, bringing one stirge down and wounding a second!
Poog keeps firing away with his wand, making loud splodies that drop the insectoids in droves!
Meanwhile, Rita keeps plucking away with her bow, trying to bring down her first. This one hits, but 'tis only a scratch!
Chuffy moves down the bank and fires his crossbow at one of the southern stirges.
Still with no target in reach the stirges continue to flap and squawk in panic, escape just an illusion!
"Bold May Post"
Birds
Rita
Chuffy
Poog
Mogmurch
"ROCK TOSS TIME!" Mogmurch shouts out as he picks up a nearby stone from the ground. He quickly throws it at the stirge he failed to finish off with his last attack.
Poog claps his hands in glee, almost dropping his precious wand in the process. He runs back, positioning himself beside Chuffy and lets loose another sonic blast.
"Chuffy kick him." Rita yells as she fires her bow again.