GM Teleute's Curse of the Crimson Throne PFRPG

Game Master Kris Vanhoyland

Nicholas Davenport
Human (Chelaxian) brawler 2 (Pathfinder RPG Advanced Class Guide 23)
CG Medium humanoid (human)
Init +5; Senses Perception +7
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Defense
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AC 17, touch 13, flat-footed 14 (+4 armor, +3 Dex)
hp 28 (2d10+8)
Fort +6, Ref +6, Will +3
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Offense
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Speed 30 ft.
Melee unarmed strike +7 (1d6+4) or
. . unarmed strike flurry of blows +5/+5 (1d6+4)
Ranged sling +5 (1d4+4)
Special Attacks brawler's flurry, martial flexibility 4/day
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Statistics
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Str 18, Dex 16, Con 16, Int 10, Wis 14, Cha 8
Base Atk +2; CMB +6; CMD 19
Feats Improved Unarmed Strike, Power Attack, Pummeling Style[ACG], Weapon Focus (unarmed strike)
Traits indomitable faith, pesh addict (katapesh), reactionary
Drawback Overprotective
Skills Acrobatics +7, Bluff +0, Escape Artist +7, Knowledge (local) +6, Perception +7, Profession (Street Fighter) +6, Ride +6, Sense Motive +8, Sleight of Hand +3, Swim +7
Languages Common
SQ brawler's cunning, martial training
Combat Gear potion of cure light wounds, potion of cure light wounds, alchemist's fire (2), ion torch; Other Gear mwk lamellar (leather) armor[UC], sling, sling bullets (20), backpack, bedroll, belt pouch, crowbar, flint and steel, hemp rope (50 ft.), masterwork fetters[ARG], trail rations (5), waterskin 653 gp
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Special Abilities
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Brawler's Cunning (Ex) Count as Int 13 for the purpose of combat feat pre-requisites.
Brawler's Flurry +0/+0 (Ex) Can make full attack & gain two-wep fighting, but only with unarmed strike, close, or monk wep.
Improved Unarmed Strike Unarmed strikes don't cause attacks of opportunity, and can be lethal.
Martial Flexibility (move action, 4/day) (Ex) As a Move action, gain a combat feat for 1 min. More gained for greater actions.
Martial Training (Ex) Brawler levels count as fighter/monk levels for feat/item pre-reqs and effects.
Power Attack -1/+2 You can subtract from your attack roll to add to your damage.
Pummeling Style Total damage from all unarmed attacks before appplying DR.

Nick and his twin sister were born in old Korvosa to an impoverished family. Their Mother died at birth and their cobbler father did his best to keep the children clothed and fed. Unfortunately, he did a poor job. While the twins were still in their preteens, he died of alcoholism. They did what they could to survive. These are the circumstances that brought them into the presence of Gaedren Lamm.

Lamm recruited them with the promise of a full tummy. It wasn't long though until they were his slaves. They spent several years doing his dirty work as "Little Lamms". That was until they finally had enough and devised a plan to escape. The two stole enough from Lamm to get by on for a few weeks and ran away late one night. They were able to successfully avoid Lamm for over a year. It was one of the best years of Nick's life, living and providing for his sister. He soon found a job at the docks and while earning extra money from organized street fights was able to provide a suitable income for he and his sister. But, Lamm never forgets and eventually found them. Lamm sent a group of thugs to kill the two. Nick fought valiantly, but the odds were stacked against him. He and his sister were brutally beaten and left for dead. His sister did in fact die, but Nick had enough constitution to survive. He was forever scared from his inability to protect her. overprotective drawback

A merchant found Nick and paid to have the boy treated medically. The man was good to Nick and was able to get him into the academy for the Korvosan Guards. Nick excelled in the academy and became one of Cressida Croft's favorites. Unfortunately, he lacked discipline and had a bad temper. It got the best of him one night and he beat a fellow guardsman badly after a verbal altercation. Croft had to relieve him of his duties.

Nick, now jobless, turned to what he knew...street fighting. He has spent the past few years fighting in an underground circuit and has gained some notoriety. He is known in those circles as Nick the Fist. He regrets his mistake in the guards and desires to redeem himself. Multiple times, he has thought about approaching Croft and apologizing, but he has never built up the courage.

Tonight, he is wandering the streets thinking about his life...his sister....what could have been.

This guy is a jerk, but an affable one.

Perfect. I think he is actually a good person, but only coincidentally.

I don't really know how to write dialogue and narrative, to be honest, I don't really know how to write convincing secondary characters.

What would you cut from the backstory, if you could? Obviously you seemed to like it, so you were probably relatively interested, but I can't guarantee that the GM will be interested, especially after reading other people's submissions all day. Are there any quotes you would consider cutting? If I do decide to remove the spoilerization, which I might, then it'll get even longer since there will have to be wordy transitions instead of just a title, and I've given it a once over and don't see any great spots for removal.

You're a very talented writer

I guess that just means anyone can be a good writer if they spend ridiculous amounts of time on a small amount of text.

Thanks.

I've looked over your backstory and I don't see any big, obvious mistakes. I've got three notes.

My biggest note is that I still don't have an amazing sense of Cataria's personality. It's definitely developed somewhat, and she does seem a bit more complex, but I still don't feel like I know her. There's a good amount of detail, that is, we know a fair amount about what she does in her life, but what I want to know is why she does those things. I think that trying to convey a sense of why will help you to develop her personality more.

The second thing I would do is look over the lower order aspects of your writing. Things like word choice and sentence length. You could try reading what you've got out loud, or perhaps even have someone else read it out loud for you. I would watch out for the comma followed by and, I think you may be overusing it a little bit, and would try to vary the way in which you extend your sentences.

I would also look over the organization of your paragraphs. For instance, the sixth paragraph seems like it contains two things, first some of Cataria's life after she moved out, then the introduction of Anca. I would separate this into two paragraphs and place the introductory one before the one where she moves out. That way we don't think of it as "oh, she had to leave her parents because she was rebellious, where will she go?" but rather "oh, she has a good friend who she always wanted as a mother, and she's rebellious, so it makes sense for her to move out." I'd also look at the first sentence of each paragraph and make sure it adequately summarizes the whole paragraph.

And that about does it for my second look over.

Good luck.

Thank you for the feedback again! I definitely tend to overuse the ",and" structure. I'll work on cleaning it up after I give yours another once-over, to be fair to you.

Caution: Un-edited word-vomit of things I think when I'm reading about Algund. No criticism intended other than constructively, because I think it's overall a great character.

Re: Quotes/things I'd change:
Childhood:
"Nevertheless he was a young child, and still loved and relied on his family" - I guess the mention of youth in the header about childhood seems redundant?

WHY did he learn the art of swordplay, when he liked people so much? What about martial training drew him to it?
I'd like to know more about why the Bank of Abadar was so demanding. Was it his instructor? Was it self-motivated? That's unclear.

Adolescence:
"At this time" doesn't tell me anything about Algund's relationship.
"When he was 13" does, because we all (presumably) know what it's like to have a crush and be 13. I'd be specific there. We also don't need to know where the girl wasn't, so I'd eliminate the temple/"she didn't live in the city" sentence.
What's her name? He wasn't acting himself, so how was he acting? What was he doing differently?
Did he leave the countryside as in, run away? Or just return to Korvosa?

Separation:
How did he transition away from negative thoughts?
What drew him to the temple of Shelyn?

Living in the Temple:
How'd he get into living in the temple? Do his parents condone it? Is he paying for it himself?

Repaying his Debts:
When did Shelyn speak to him? Why? How did he react in that moment?
How long ago was that? What did Shelyn give him, when she spoke to him? How does he use his power?

Quotes:
"I used to think the path to strength..." - did he have many more lovers after the one in the country? This is unclear, and since he's
been billed as a loner, left me wondering.

"I could hurt you a lot for that" - did this happen before the Temple of Shelyn? If it was after, it seems out of character.

"Grief is a hone..." - way to bury the lead! I want to know about the cousin's suicide! What happened?! How'd Algund react? In fact, how does Algund feel about death overall?

I hope all of this helps, I know there's a lot. I wish we had days longer to workshop this stuff so I could justify taking the time to put it all in some semblance of order. But, thank you again. It's been awhile since I've gotten the chance to review and do something like this.