You are goblins of the Licktoad Tribe. Or at least you will be someday. For now, though, you’re whelps—ravenous, amoral, grumpy goblin children who learned to stop eating rocks only a few months ago. But with every day that passes, your whelping cage seems smaller and smaller. The outside world increasingly beckons to your goblin curiosity (and appetite), but the hateful cage bars holds you at bay. A few other whelps flourish in the cage, even as the smaller and weaker ones are thinned out. Kettlehead stands literally head and shoulders above the competition, being a goblin of impeccable flatulence and having already fashioned himself an impressive hat from a teapot left lying too close to the cages. Even adult goblins—legendary Chief Rendwattle Gutwad among them—have taken note of Kettlehead and his advanced skills of poking the rest of you with sticks and delivering bruise-inducing noogies.
But today is special. Today, instead of a bucket of fish heads, whelp-wrangler Loptop brought a key and unlocked the door to your cage, spilling you sorry lot into the world for the first time. Other Licktoads gather around, eyeballing you and chewing on the fish heads that should have been yours.
“You all are too big for cages,” Loptop snorts. “But you’re not Licktoads yet. Licktoads gotta be useful. Licktoads gotta be tough! Licktoads gotta earn their places in the tribe. And that’s what you’re gonna do now! Show us where you belong, even if that ends being the boneyard!”
Loptop opens the cage and smacks the whelps pouring out with a pole, pushing them into a rigid line against the cage. "Kettlehead, you go now, Chief said you already prove your worth, so you go straight to getting toads. GO!" Loptop snaps as he uses the stick to keep the rest of the whelps against the cage. "Now, who wants to prove they smart 'nuff to be Licktoads? Huh?"
Jumping up and down Shortork shouts. "Waagh! Me show, Me Show, Me bite things good."
To show his skill at biting things and because he has very poor impulse control, even for a goblin, while also suffering from an extensive excess of personality. Shortork jumps forward and bites at the pole Loptop is holding.
"Shortork bite gooder."
Loptop roars with laughter and grabs Shortork by the back of the neck. "I said smart! Ha!" With a nasty glare at the rest of the goblins, Loptop pushes Shortork into the center of the village where all the other goblins shout and cheer admiring the deep tooth marks left behind on the stick. "Let us see if you teeth real good, or just not broke yet! Squirmtongue!" The goblin crowd cheers in excitement. He pushes Shortork's face into the mud. "Get me a worm, whelp! No hands, mouth only!"
As the cage was opened and the ankle-biters flooded put, Doza kept her legs locked around one of her smaller siblings. Her hands were grasping the ears of her "horse" as she shouted out.
"Yah! Over there. No, no. Not there, there! Dagnabit go that way."
Her sibling mount was not cooperating, but she managed to maintain her position on the goblin, at least for the moment.
The tribe roars with laughter at Doza's antics, but the whelp wrangler is having none of it.
Loptop deftly swings the pole around his back, dismounting Doza. "Wait your turn, whelp!" He gives the stink eye to the other goblins, then picks Doza up. The goblins cheer, but Bigbadaboom keeps running and bucking as though he were still being ridden until a fascinating caterpillar distracts him for a second. Loptop drags him from the caterpillar and slams him into the cage. "STAY!"
Glug Glug, still a little queasy from his last drink of fermented gods knows what (He just learned about fermentation a little while ago) stumbles out of the gate, hopefully nobody notices. He does his best to keep up with everybody else.
Face down in the mud Shortork opens his eyes, the mud stings, but he likes it. He thinks he sees a worm a little to the left, He opens his mouth wide and engulfs a large amount of mud and hopefully the worm. He does note that the mud out here tastes much better than the mud in the cage.
Failing miserably on the first attempt, Shortork roots about and has another try.
Well he still didn't find a worm, but he is really beginning to like the mud. He pushes his head deeper into the mud a tries once more
The frown on Doza's face should have been enough to convey her feelings, but Doza was never one to really hold her tongue. She was getting pretty good at holding ears, but tongues were wet and yucky, although some were yummy. Anyway, she remained standing where Loptop deposited her as she stuck her own tongue out at him when he turned to look at the crowd.
The crowd laughs once more at Doza's antics.
Loptop plucks the worm from Shortork's mouth to the cheers of the assorted goblin tribe. He hands the goblin a small dead bird wrapped in a tattered scarf. "Squirmtongue badge! Keep you safe. Sit there!" he points to the ground opposite the assorted goblins.
"You!" he grabs Doza, "You like making goblins laugh? You do the 'Happy Beat!'" The rules are simple, Doza needs to amuse the tribe by beating herself up.
With a shrug, Doza punched herself in the gut as hard as she could. She doubled over, the wind somewhat knocked out of her. Lucky for her, she had been hit much harder by other goblins over the last few months so she was used to it. When she noticed that none of the others seemed to be laughing, she grimaced and stepped on her own foot, letting out a howl that made a few wonder if she was a werewolf. They were not the brightest goblins. Still, none were laughing so she poked herself in the eye. Still it remained quiet...well, quiet for goblins. So with her tiny hand balled up into a fist, she uppercut herself, striking square and hard right into her own chin. The blow was enough to lift her off her feet and land her on her back. The last thing she heard before passing out was an enormous roar from the crowd. As she lost consciousness, she smiled...on the inside.
Smiling broadly and enjoying the adulation of the other goblins helps Shortork overcome, barely the annoyance at loosing the yummy worm. He is about to have another outburst when presented with the bird. Cupping the token in his hands and slowly walking to sit the area indicated. His eyes locked on the bird. It does however take all of his minimal willpower to not eat the token. "Oooh, magek."
The tribe is thoroughly amused with Doza knocking herself out, and many goblins throw dead mice onto her unconscious body in appreciation. Loptop snickers, happy to have the troublemaker out of commission for a minute or two. He tosses a trio of sticks wrapped with a cracked scrap of leather. "Happy Beat badge. Help you when a horse stomp you..." he tosses the small fetish onto Doza.
"Now we know who ain't smart," Loptop tells Glug Glug and Bigbadaboom, "Which of you to is?"
Pokie bangs on the cage doors. He screams, "Me too big too. Lemme out stoopid biggobbo!"
Loptop rolls his eyes and grabs Pokie by the shoulders to turn him around and showing him that he is already outside of the cage, merely confused by the bars being in front of his face.
He points to Glug Glug, "Probably not smart, but hopefully least stupid...Hurtful Words challenge!" Using a forked stick, he lifts up a hot rock from the fire, then steps hard on Glug Glug's foot causing him to scream in agony. Loptop drops the rock into Glug Glug's mouth and says, "Now, inuslt someone! Quick!"
Glug Glug holds the hot rock into his mouth and hesitates for a second before coming up with a decent insult at the first gobo he sees.
None of the goblins knows exactly what Glug Glug said, but they all knew it was funny. The tribe roars with laughter and Loptop blushes, taking the whelp's...words...as directed at him. He smacks Glug Glug in the back of the head, causing the burning pebble to come shooting out. It lands on Doza's unconscious body, causing the tribe to laugh again.
"Hurtful words badge," he says, holding out the skeletal leg of some small mammal tied to a piece of quartz.
"Good. You want to be Licktoads for real? You must get your own toads from the Tadpole Bog and present them to the spirits of Dark Fear!" The tribe cheers with Loptop's announcement. Kettlehead and his two favorite flunkies are allowed to depart immediately. The rest of the whelps have to wait until the morning, giving Kettlehead a shot at the best toads in the bog.
Shortork is briefly lost in thought about biting big toads. Then looks about for something to bite, or at least things to hurt others with. And food would be great, although some of the smaller whelps do look tasty.
Glug Glug pulls out his tongue and for about a minute pokes at the blisters the hot rock left behind before he shakes his head. "Me needs drink" he thinks before he begins to scavenge.
Luckily for the other whelps, Shortork is able to find a big tasty, only partially rotted rabbit carcass along with a big, pointed stick shaped vaguely like genitals. He also comes across an old straw welcome mat that would make for a handy suit of padded armor.
After drinking from a fetid pool of mud that some animals have been using as a latrine, Glug Glug's tongue feels much better.
Doza sat up right at regaining consciousness. Her head spun and she slowly stood up. She glanced down to notice a near sore blister on her belly, although the fact that her clothes had a new hole in them escaped her. At seeing the others looking for things, she decided to look for things too.
The first thing she found was a hot, glowing rock. She picked it up, burning her hands in the process and dropped it. Then she picked it up again, and dropped it again. This went on for a while until her hands hurt too much so she kicked the hot rock. It managed to bounce off of one of the pen posts and strike her again so she picked up a stick and smacked the rock for burning her so many times. The rock flew out of sight. Doza smiled and hefted the stick above her head with pride.
I shall call you...rock smacker!
Bigbadaboom searches through the charcoals left behind by the fire used to heat the rocks for Glug Glug but comes up empty. He then goes through the latrine, again finding nothing. There is nothing to be found at a nearby hot spring either, except for a smell that seems to make him hungry.
Dejected, he walks back with his head down and a pout on his face. A glint in the dirt makes his eyes widen and he bends over as a rock goes sailing over him, right where his face would have been a second before.
He pulls a dogslicer out of the ground, attached to a skeletal goblin hand and cheers.
In the morning Loptop gathers the whelps together. “You maybe think you be tough because you got out of your baby cage, whelps? Psht! You no be goblins. The only real goblins are Licktoads, and a Licktoad without a toad is just… lick. So. If you want be Licktoads, you need to catch a toad at Tadpole Bog and also not die. Then you take the toad to Cave of Darkfear and also not die. Then you show your toad to the Darkfear spirit, and maybe if you really are a goblin, then you also not die. Get toad. Show spirit. Kill anything that wants to stop you. Don’t die." The wrangler looks very serious and adds, “That last part is very important.”
Shortork tries to listen to Loptop's instructions, but his stomach begins to growl at the mention of the toads, the rotten rabbit carcass wasn't all that big and it was eaten hours ago. When the wrangler is done with the orders. Shortork is pretty sure he had listened. He hefts the big pointed stick and says to no one in particular.
"Come mighty thruster we must... What did he say. Oh yeah. Bite toad...Stab spirit... Kill other Gobos... Yep, that's what he said...maybe."
He stands for a moment trying to remember Loptop's words, then shrugs and begins to walk. After going about 10 feet he stops, realizing he does not how to get to the toads. Though he never lets a lack of knowledge stop him. So he inhales very deeply searching for the scent of fetid bog.
Shortork wanders around for quite some time, the other goblins seem to follow behind as he confidently wastes two hours to make a fifteen minute trip. It was an eventful trip, however, as the group chased a rabbit right into a patch of thorns. Now everyone is covered in war paint from their own bloody scratches. Very terrifying.
Finally the group manages to accidentally stumble upon the bog. The occasional lazy bubble breaks the surface of the shallow, stinky pond, and a haze of insects clouds the air in every direction. Only the occasional gurp-chirp of toadsong breaks through the drone of bugs.
Doza marched along after Shortork, grumbling the whole way. Her shirt had a new hole, she had a new scab that she couldn't stop picking at, and her feet hurt. She was tired of walking, but every time she tried to jump on one of the others, they some how avoided her. One time she hit head on a low hanging branch. Another time she slipped in the mud. One time she almost made it but then she sneezed at the last moment and ended up smacking into a rock. Each time she cursed the goblin that got away. How could they all be so cunning?
By the time they reached the bog, Doza was fed up and tired. She found a nice bush to curl up in and laid down, clutching rock smasher tightly to her chest like a human child with a doll. If she hadn't started to snore, no one would have been able to find her.
Doza cunningly sleeps in an effort to lull the toads into a false sense of security. And, of course, because she had to do that dreadful 'walking' stuff. As the others go about trying to catch their toads, Doza's open, drooling mouth attracts flies, which in turn attracts a large, blue toad, who hops into her open mouth unexpectedly.
Bigbadaboom scratches his head, trying to think of how he could possibly catch a toad. He thinks hard, then opens his eyes wide and gapes, the answer becoming obvious.
"Eh! Eh, you stoopid toe! COME HERE BEFORE I GET ANGRY!"
He frowns when his attempt has the opposite effect of his intentions. For several long minutes Bigbadaboom thinks about a new approach. Quietly this time, he climbs a tree and shimmies out to the end of a branch, hanging over the bog. He spots a toad and pounces with a triumphant shout.
He comes up with a face full of a mud and a huge smile. A toad squirms around in his cupped hands.
Shortork takes a few moments to bask in the admiration of his fellow whelps, for finding the bog. He is so proud of his skills that he fails to notice the others completely ignoring him. After a while he remembers why he is here. He raises his pointed stick and dashes to the water and dives in, head first, mouth wide open, eyes closed and starts biting and stabbing.
Of course with his eyes closed no toads are bitten or skewered. Shortork however suddenly discovers that Goblins can't breath water. Bursting from the bog coughing, choking, and wheezing as he stumbles to the bank and collapses. Looking around at the others attempting to catch toads rather than bite them gives him an Idea. They are all wrong and he must set them right. Fortunately for everyone just as he raises Mighty Thruster an exceptionally large and tasty looking toad hops nearby. Shortork completely forgets what he was doing and pounces on the toad intending to bite it. Just as his mouth is about to close on the tasty toad a word springs into his brain.
"Capture"
Causing him to greatly lessen the force of the bite.
Shortork's teeth snap closed and shooting pain rocks the goblin's mouth as he bites his tongue instead of the tiny animal.
As soon as he finishes hopping about and swearing in pain, he notices something interesting: a horsechopper sticking up from the mud.
Shortork, after the toad bite fiasco spends a few minutes attempting to look at his injured tongue. Unfortunately his head is so big he can't stick his tongue out far enough to see. This does not keep him from falling down twice in the attempt. While getting up for the second time something shiny catches his eye in the mud. He moves closer and suddenly realizes it is a Horsechopper. A weapon such as this will make him a powerful warrior. Glancing at the pointed stick in his hand then back to the Horsechopper. He tosses the stick over his shoulder, narrowly missing another Goblin and incidentally a large toad as well.
Smiling broadly as he hefts the new weapon, a thought occurs to him. He turns to address the other whelps.
"Listen Whelps! I am Shortork the Great warrior. One of you is going to catch me a toad or I will use this powerful weapon and find out if you are Goblin or Horse. The chopper will know. Now get me a toad!"
Doza was having such a nice dream about eating other goblins, goblins that had not allowed her to ride them so she was rather surprised when she woke up with a mouth full of not goblin. It wasn't as crunchy as goblin but it did squirm like a goblin. Confused, she spit it out into her hands to sniff it. It didn't smell like goblin and it didn't taste like goblin so it mustn't be a goblin she deduced.
Her concentration was broken when Shortork began going on and on about his nice, new shiney stick. She managed to duck just in time as his older, less shiney stick came flying through the air. With a grin on her face and not really paying attention to what he was saying, she took aim and hurled the still-twitching not-goblin right at Shortork. Then she went to retrieve his older, less shiney stick.
Doza obeys the great warrior's demands, and launches the toad into Sortork's face, just as he is about to loudly issue other demands.
Distracted as he was from peering between his fingers at his toad, Bigbadaboom was quite startled when Shortork began yelling and immediately dived for cover. He watched the toad go sailing through the sky and wondered how it tasted, then realized he had one of his own and nibbled on one webbed foot as the squirmy animal struggled to slip free.
A few seconds later he, Shortork, and Doza all begin seeing brilliant sparkles when light beams from the sun pierce the forest canopy. Their faces distort and bend in hilarious ways. Everything is suddenly so bright and clear. And funny. Everything is absolutely hilarious.
catch toad
In complete awe, as this is the most liquid Glug Glug has ever seen, he is complexly oblivious to Shortork's grand speech and subsequent beaning of the toad. Wandering around the bog, he stumbles around upon the disoriented toad and bends over and picks up the toad thinking it would go perfect with his new bog drink, he takes taste of the toad and continues along his way.
Shortork marvels at the pretty lights and the way things seem to bend and ripple. He of course immediately knows the cause. Raising the Horse chopper above his he shouts.
"Behold the mighty magik Choppa it gives me power over all. Toads to me now."
He then begins to swipe at the wild colors with the Horse chopper.
Bigbadaboom marvels at the sparkly trails that follow his hand when he waves it in front of his face. Taste bubbly? he wonders, but his extra-sharp teeth from Mother Lamashtu are unable to bite them sparkles.
"Tease!" he shouts before climbing another tree, Toe tucked safely in a pocket.
Although he climbs just fine and easily pulls off a beautiful swan dive, he fails to grab a toad for Shortork.
"You make sparkles taste bubbly, or no toe for you!" he shouts from a distance, forgetting how much larger Shortork is closer up.
Shortork still totally stoned points the Magik Choppa at the bog and shouts.
"All toads must get to the Choppa!
Ignoring the others, Doza resumed her toad hunt. She slowly looked around, searching for signs of the toads. It was too loud with all the others shouting and screaming. She got down on all fours, crawling along in the mud, nose to the floor as she hunted. Then she got an idea. She started making frog noises.
She gave a quick prayer to the gods for blessing her with such intelligence, such cunning and got down in the mud again. She put down rock smacker and the less shiny stick and readied her hands to grab toad. As soon as she saw one, she pounced.
The great and powerful Shortork now knows he was chosen by the bog gods to wield the mighty Magik Chopper. And must now get a toad to match his greatness. Since the other whelps are useless in toad getting the great Shortork will do it himself. He begins to look about for the best toad.
Feeling greatly empowered Shortork hefts Mighty Magik Choppa above his head as he scans the area for a superior toad.
He notices Doza making toad noises and it is suddenly clear to him. Doza is best toad.
"Come Doza-toad you are the greatest most toadie toad. We are off the kill the cave thing. Whelps follow me and the Choppa!"
Doza quickly shoved her newly acquired frog into her mouth before the others could get their grubby little paws on it. That's when she noticed. The biggest, talkingest frog ever, and it was calling to her by name. The pretty lights floating around it were only a slight distraction as she crouched down low, ready to spring. Suddenly, she lunged at Shortork, one tiny little green leg hanging out of her mouth.
Bigbadaboom watches in fascination as Doza slowly melts into a large, green goblin toe. The crusty yellow toe nail opens up and a loud croak pierces the air from Doza-toe before lunging at Shortork, who is turning about and marching toward the Cave and Spirit of Darkfear. He giggles and hurries to catch up to Lord Shortork, his Magik Chopper, and Doza the Toe.
As the goblins bumble their way to their next stop, Kettlehead pops up on a fallen log, flanked by his two flunkies, Culgick and Rempty.
"Stoopid babies!" He waves his dogslicer high above his head. "You took toads from my pond and now you pay! Gimme your toads. And say you be stoopid!"
With a shrug, Doza spit out her toad and shouted "YOUS BE STOOPID!" Then she quickly popped the spit covered toad back into her mouth. Unfortunately this time she wasn't paying attention and managed to shove Rock Smacker into her mouth and was waving the toad in the air, trying to be threatening.
"You no get great toad!"
Shouts Short as he takes a step toward the Goblins. He is in awe of his and Doza's great powers, also still buzzed.
"Look she can spit toads! and sharpens her weapon with her teeth. While I have the Mighty Magik Choppa. You don't want to mess with us"
He takes another step toward Kettlehead and brandishes the Mighty Choppa